"You can go your own way..."

Have you ever wondered what you should do, but found direction absent? As an American I am expected to figure things out for myself- I am an "individual" after all. It is expected by my culture that I possess a certain amount of self-reliance. Of course, Alaska takes this to some frozen extremes- but anyway I look at it, those around me often act as though everyone should already know certain things (which many do not). They should be able to figure it out for themselves. People even want to figure things out entirely for themselves on their own with no help from other people or institutions. If you can break with tradition and solve a problem you have really arrived here in the States. The culture loves new things. It winks at bucking the mold even when it has to enforce not doing so. Striking out on your own and forging your own path is a good thing. It is a laudable thing. To say that of someone is to praise them.

When you want direction, though, many people who may be able to help may think that it is not their place to do so. Many people will act as though you should not ask for help. The problem is you need help. I need help. Everyone needs help. Everyone needs direction. There was a time when the Church answered all questions. That time is gone from our culture. The question is- should it be gone from our lives?

A Brief Prayer (well you just come in in the middle)

...And then, as it were all of a sudden, I realized that your grace was sufficient for me. I also forgot to look for the way out- but then I remembered that there was one- and that always. Thank you so much for not demanding my feelings be other than they are. Thank you for working for my good (and your glory), and not telling me to call every single event good. Thank you for making me in a way that I can (by your help) actually live consistently with your word. We think so many wrong things so often- and we are so confident of how right we are... but you have not abandoned me. You have not thrown me away. All praise be to Jesus Christ my Lord and God...

Blood and Syrup

Have you ever wanted to approach something or someone to resolve something (in your mind or theirs)- but when you did it got messy? It's like cooking hamburgers in the morning with syrup. At some point in the process you press down on the hamburger (covered in syrup) and it "bleeds". Then you are just staring at this awful mixture of blood and syrup. It truly is a little disturbing. Sometimes, I've found that dealing with problems is something that I might want to put off for fear of the mess I know that will ensue. What I fail to remember is how good a hamburger cooked in syrup is when it is done.

Loneliness and Value

Loneliness is a valueless fact. It sits upon your shoulders like a heavy burden; or, it recedes like a hollow ache into the back of your consciousness. It is neither right nor wrong. It is neither good nor bad. It just is. Sometimes you have it sometimes you don't. Some people barely know it. Others don't know what it is like to live without it. When you think of loneliness, think of the rain. You may not like it, or you may not like it now- but the rain is not bad. Loneliness is like the rain. It can ruin your day- or, it can drive you to seek the Lord of Heaven and Earth. I may not know what life without loneliness is really like- but I do know that G-d provides for me in times of trouble. I do know that when nothing makes sense at all in this crazy place we call the world, that G-d is not absent. I do know that He can be trusted. I do know that you do not have to be happy and healthy to feel the peace and presence of G-d.

ps- I will give anyone who can tell me what is wrong with this little paragraph twenty dollars. Just post your comments.

pps- previously in this post I mispelled Lonliness- I have corrected it at the request of my readers.

The Faithful Friend You Would Like To Lose

Have you ever found it harder to lose something than you expected? Have you ever found yourself wanting it back? You struggle inside yourself going back and forth between wanting it and thinking it's not really a good idea. And then sometimes the struggle is with wanting something that is not likely to ever happen and trying to "be realistic". It is amazing the highs and lows you can go through in a day. You can just feel the ice at nine in the morning you are so high but then at noon the ice may creep into your heart and you are hit with a hot blast of sand and grit. The joy is gone and all is dark. But then back up the mountain you go. Feelings are funny things.

Have you ever tried so hard for something- I mean so very very extremely hard- and just utterly failed, falling flat on your face? Have you ever given it all you got and then kept giving- but still did not make it? Have you ever dug so deep, so deep that you knew you had never dug there before, and still come up short? It is amazing to fail when you have tried. It is amazing in so many ways. I never really knew just how much I wanted to not lose something- not until I lost it.

When everything in your heart is abandoned and no one understands why it is that it hurts- and no one can see how they are hurting each other, when all is drowned out by the voice of selfish pain- a feeling that demands to be heard- then is the time that people so often learn a valuble lesson. And that lesson is most often too late. Not always, but most often it is.

Let the long dark tea time of the soul be the time that we prepare and learn. Scorn the pain too much and it will never leave you. Let it be heard.

Psalm 15

"How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? forever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me? Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death; Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved. But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation. I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me." -Psalm 13 (KJV)

What is one to do in times of trial and distress if G-d is really sovereign? If the Lord really has chosen you before the foundation of the world as the scriptures say (Ephesians 1), what does an honest man think when the going gets more than just tough? What do you pray to the Lord when all of your requests seem to go unheard? What is it that you are to do when everything that you love is taken from you?

There are those, of course, who do not think that G-d is sovereign over all things. And by those, I mean there are those Christians who espouse such a belief. It is true, they usually think He is sovereign in some way or in some things- but they do not know how to reconcile His sovereignty over all things with the suffering and loss they experience right now. They think to themselves that because they do not know how to reconcile it, it must not be.

Other Christians examine their own trials and losses and think that God must still be sovereign in all things (for they are loathe to abandon such a point) and so the promises of rebirth, ressurection, and kingdom, are where they place all their hope. In fact, many in this camp abandon all hope for good in THIS life. They choose to keep a stiff upper lip, grin and bear it, and just plug on through until death- where/ when they believe, all will be made right. They do not know what to make of their sufferings here, so they pin their hopes all on something in the future.

There are other responses to be sure- and here I make no attempt to support or tear down either response mentioned. These responses do make a point, however, and that is that one cannot live well with internal tension. A man or woman who experiences pain, suffering, loss, persecution, ridicule, and heartache must try to come to terms with it. We as people (and most assuredly even more so as Christians) seek to integrate all our beliefs and actions. We seek for what Nancy Percey calls Total Truth and what Francis Schaeffer called Truth with a capital T before her. We can say a lot of things, but we cannot live a lot of the things we say.

So how do we make sense of the defeats and trials of life? The first thing we need to do is be honest with G-d. David cries, "how long wilt thou forget me, O Lord?" How many of us have gotten to the place where we cannot shout the same cry? If you want to make sense of anything, you have to own up to it. We must first be honest about how we feel. For now, I will weep as you weep and I pray that you will mourn as I mourn.

On Disagreeing With G-d

A friend of mine said to me the other day, "I do not think that G-d minds if you disagree with Him." When pressed, he bowed out due to "an obligation". Now to be fair, I am sure his girlfriend really would have taken an axe to his head if he was late to engage in a theological discussion (and this is even funnier if you know her, but I won't spoil it for you). It got me thinking though. The reason it got me thinking is that I know this friend of mine and I do not take him to be a heretic or an imbecile. He is rather smart, certainly more educated than myself, and I felt like his choice of words was trying to get at something other than the words themselves.

So what could be meant by disagreeing with G-d? What could be meant that is not theologically abhorrent, that is. I think there is behind the statement a willingness to be honest first trusting that the Lord can one, handle it, and two cares enough to have us address our theological questions honestly. This is important. While I would never say it like my friend did, I do think that there is something there. More will surely follow.

Presidential Primaries

With so many primaries being moved ahead of their usual schedule, it certainly creates some additional road blocks for any candidates who are not as well known in the public eye. Ron Paul is such a candidate. He is currently trying to raise over 400,000 dollars to pay for advertising in four states: New Hampshire, Iowa (two very important primaries of course), North Carolina, and Iowa. I wonder why primaries are being pushed sooner than usual. You can make donations on Ron Paul's website if you wish to help give him a fighting chance. Also, I would love to hear some thoughts on the primaries being pushed to earlier dates.

Words Matter

Choose your words carefully because words matter.

You know what it's like when you sit down and ask yourself an honest question? You know when you let it come out in words for the first time? When you have danced around it for so long and found ways to distract yourself or ignore the thing- when you have been avoiding it, it can come as quite a surprise.

The answer can come as a surprise too. You can live with questions for quite sometime and be so afraid to answer them honestly that... well, that a lot of things can happen that you really did not want to. But you thought you were protecting yourself, right? Well, protecting yourself is one thing. Building up emotional walls to do it is quite another.

I have long been avoiding a question. I have even longer been avoiding the answer. You know, I really thought I was doing the smart thing. People would sometimes think that I was keeping them at a distance, keeping them out, if you will. They would try and make some plea for me to open up. If it was a girlfriend, it would be an emotional plea- and it would not work at all. If it was from a friend, they would try and guess what the cause of my precautions were and usually get it wrong. Either way, they never really got through to me.

You know what did get through to me? A good argument from a credible source. That is what has given me pause. That is what has given me a reason to begin to dismantle my walls brick by brick. I got a good argument from a credible source. That is what G-d used to get through to me.

In this war that I wage against the most difficult of enemies, myself, I have seen a great victory. Praise the Lord, for it came through reason. He is the source of reason; He is the source of this freedom, this victory. Brick by brick. Stone by stone. Step by step.

The thing is, all the hard times, everything that stretched me, all the things I had to work for to try and love you and get through to you and make you feel loved- all those things were good for me. All that work was good for me. You were good for me. My relationship with God got better from being with you. Part of me would love to just say bad things. I would like to say that it was awful and that you were terrible and that the time was a waste... but I can't. You are beautiful and amazing. You are kind and compassionate. It still hurts that you left. It hurts because I lost something good. It hurts because there was something to lose. And good reasons are good both to have and to know and to be able to explain.

And all was dark that day
And we could not see the sun
And death walked among us
And we were furious in our tears
We were angry in our heartache
May God protect them if we ever find them
May God grant us forgiving hearts.

Happy Tonight

I envy you who are not surprised to find yourselves happy. I have laboured hard and joy has only been in Christ, but I have not been anything but melencholy and I still am surprised by joy every time. So today, this night, I thank the Lord who has brought joy and peace to me. Brick by brick, stone by stone, step by step. Tonight I am happy. I am many other things as well- and I feel many other things as well. I am, however (and this surprisingly), happy tonight. So I will say a few things in my happiness:

Find what you are looking for Sarah, and don't think that I hate you. Be well mama. Do not give up Clif. Do not forget your first love Matt. I miss you Doug. I miss you Mike. I miss you dad. Do not forsake meeting together Highline. God bless you and your family Irish. Be wise George. Find Jesus Lily, Eva, and Forest. And to my best friends- first, don't you dare. Second, listen to your wife every once in awhile. To all my friends, close and not so close- I love you all. May the peace of God come to you when it is right.

Minor Correction to a Paper You Will Probably Never Read

So I was reading a copy of my delightful school newspaper today when I noticed that not only did they quote me, but they misquoted me. I think to myself about how insignificant the problem is and I wonder if perhaps I could just let this one go. The truth of the matter is that the wall can go from dead to jam-packed full of people and back to dead again on a regular basis. Also there may or may not be an increase in usage. But I will say this, yes the wall really is amazing.

A Note For Monday

This is not my usual sort of fair, however I think the poem speaks well of a truth that I neglect so often. I apologize to the author if the spacing of the poem does not work out. I have not mastered the finer points of blogging yet. Please forgive me. Everyone else- think on this:

"In Blocking off what hurts
us, we think we are
walling ourselves off from
pain. But in the long
run, the wall, which prevents
growth, hurts us more than the
pain which, if we will only
bear it, soon passes over us.
Washes over us and is
gone. Long will we remember
pain, but the pain itself, as
it was at the
point of intensity that made
us feel as if we must
die of it, eventually
vanishes. Our memory of
it becomes only a
trace.
Walls remain. They grow
moss. They are difficult barriers
to cross, to get to others,
to get to closed-down
parts of ourselves."

-Alice Walker

Yes, He Is Dangerous

You know I wish I didn't still love you,
Or do I?
I dance around the feelings so much
But now I have grown tired
The simple truth is not always hard to understand
But often hard to swallow.

Did you know that I dream sometimes?
The air grows still
And thick the silence waits
With all my powers now so lost
And unto Him I pray.

Do not cast me aside
Do not throw me away
All the times I have been wrong
And now I drown in it.

I cannot stop the feeling
And so perhaps now I will stop the trying
And let it wash over me-
My love for you,
And all that regret...

I am here and stone by stone
I let it in and let it out
And all the things I kept inside
Slowly wet the earth with tears
And drown the ground with my blood
As every wall comes down.

Do I lay dying?
Or do I near a rebirth of things I thought long broken?
I miss the sound that soothed my heart
I miss the touch that calmed the beast-
And now though it may be to late...
I will let him out.

Ron Paul

I was coming out of the gym today after a workout when I ran into a man who was handing out flyers. Much to my suprise, the flyers were for Ron Paul. And here I thought I was alone in my support for Dr. Paul's presidential campaign way here up north. I was encouraged. Ron Paul for president.

"Sheep Go To Heaven"

"I'm not feeling alright today. I'm not feeling that great. I'm not catching on fire today. Love has started to fade." -Cake

Ever wonder why it is that you have not heard about something that you ernestly desired to hear about? Ever think to yourself, "hey, what's going on here?" Well, silence is the thing that seems to drive the moderns crazy most. Makes it hard to hear commands like:

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

Makes it all the more important. Sometimes you just want to shake something. Sometimes you just want to forget. Sometimes you just want to feel something else. Sometimes you just want it to stop. Be still.

The lillys fell that winter
And all was bathed in fire
And now the cherry trees are gone
And in my tears I am still
In the memory of beauty that has fled
I must be still.

The Ibex I Saw

The stars are out. It's not too cold. It's really pretty tonight. I saw a purple hoody today. I really wanted to buy it for you. There was no one there to slap me. It would have looked good on you. Suprisingly soft for wool. The night sky has been transformed into the heavens again. With the dark. Through the stars. They move through the night. When you struggle like this- the language of letting go or holding on really does come to mind. It seems horribly misleading and inaccurate- but it just jumps to your lips as you grope for words to express...

So many things to do or say- yet this one demands that I confront it now. This one refuses to be pushed aside. This one will not wait, will not rest on the back-burner. I have homework I say- angry silence (and this from myself). I have bills to pay- more of the same. I have friends to call back- not now, you don't. I will be heard- you will not not deal with me anymore. Oh, and to insure this- I will be felt. You will feel me and you will not stop feeling me until you have resolution- until you make resolution. I will force you to find it (and I can almost hear myself saying this); you will feel yourself.

I'm so glad I am starting to heal. One brick at a time. Skiing this winter, Lord-willing. The snow has already started. The ice is outside. New ice-tools, definately new ice-tools. But even as I begin to do what it is that I was made to do once again- still I know that I am changed. I will never be able to ignore myself the way I once did. This is going to get so messy. But why dip my toes?

This Is Not For Everyone

"But I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"

It is snowing right now.
But you are not here.
Did I send you away?

The library is quiet
But I cannot hear your voice
Did you run from me?

The coffee is hot
But it does not fill.
But did I make you think that you were there to fill me up?

Hours turned to days
Days turned to weeks
Weeks turned to months.

No great loss I told myself
But that did not explain
And you know how I like explanations.

"Hiding from me," you said
"Protecting you," you said I said.
You may care if I said it, but I only care if I believed it.

What is the truth?
There is a Christian way to see this,
And all knowledge that is true must be true in Christ.

And they will think I just said that,
Off-handedly,
As if I did not labour with great pain for just such a phrase.

Praise be to our creator
And thanks be to Him for His providence,
Who works all things.

Wednesday

"Better a thousand times to die, than for to live thus still tormented"
-John Dowland

One brick at a time. One rock at a time. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Just take your last step; then take your last step again. I regret. I have a hard time lying to myself- so I have to hide from myself instead. There are hard ways to deal with hard feelings. Sometimes you just cannot take it back. This time, I cannot, I want to, but I probably should not. If I probably should not, I probably should not want to. Wants are not the slaves of the mind, however (though I might wish it so). Hard days. Easy days. One brick at a time.

I dislike being blinded to my own culpability in things. Others do not always think to point it out, however- and even when they do, not always very well or effectively. All things are possible with G-d. The story is not over. I may wish it to be (thinking that if it was over, I would 'get on with it'). I do not determine my steps. Be well and forgive me. I do not forget. I do not brush aside like dust. May the Lord cause His own wisdom to hold sway in our hearts and minds.

And Then I Was Mad

You know, one struggles to find the words to express a feeling sometimes. You think you have it, but then you don't. You think you want to share it, but then you can't. You think it is simple, but then it isn't, or it turns out to be really hard. What do you say to your heart when it rails against your head? Who wins when there is conflict? I wonder a lot about the way things end up. I find it hard to trace them sometimes. Some people are so confident about their explanations of how things ended up the way they did, they fail to stop and realize that they might be wrong- or it might be important to think about things as they are first, and how they got that way second. This is often the way I see the war- but I don't suppose that you see it that way, do you?

24

24 is an amazing show. It caters to the high and low-brow audience. It deals in politics, love, grief, ethics, political philosophy, leadership, hard decisions, forgiveness, gun-fights, car-chases, and so much more. I wouldn't tell anyone to bring the kids- but it is far more than just a wild ride.

Weekend Interlude

I saw Dr. Toon this morning speak on the topic of Justification by faith alone. The formal response from the other speaker was "I agree", which made the response not a very interesting response. All in all, though- it is always good to see Dr. Toon.

Battle III

"He who hates me hates my Father also. If I had not done among them the works which no one else did, they would have no sin; but now they have seen and also hated both Me and my Father. But this happened that the word might be fufilled which is written in their law, 'They have hated Me without a cause.' But when the Helper comes, whom I shall send to you from the Father, He will testify of Me. And you also will bear witness, because you have been with me from the beginning. These things I have spoken to you, that you should not be made to stumble. They will put you out of the synagogues; yes, the time is coming that whoever kills you will think that he offers God service. And these things they will do to you because they have not known the Father nor me." -John 15:23-16:3

At times, a Christian may encounter friendliness and acceptence from the world. Sometimes this is because the Christian is not behaving or speaking in a manner consistent with his own professed faith. Sometimes this is because the Lord is going before the Christian and is moving people to respond kindly to them. As Jesus warns his disciples here, however, the world will often hate the Christian. They will seek to kill the Christian. They will throw the Christian out of town and ostracize him. Christians will be excommunicated. This proved true for all of the disciples. This proved true for so many of the disciples' disciples. This has been the case throuought history. The blood of the Martyrs of the Christian Church cries out not in a tiny whisper- but in a deafening roar. Jesus told His disciples in order to prepare them so that when they met resistance of all kinds they would not stumble. Do not be surprised when health, wealth, and prosperity does not come to you with your Christian faith. The whole Church has been warned- and that for a reason.

Battle II

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." -Ephesians 6:12,13

I sometimes feel that I am lulled into a false sense of ease (not security) in the Church here in the United States. I do not always have it in my mind that I have to withstand anything. I sometimes get the mistaken impression that if temptation is tempting, that something is wrong with me. I do not often think that I should suit up, when I prepare for the day. I do not often think that I am going to be attacked. But why is that? It certainly is not an impression that you can get from reading the Bible. Ease and safety have not been promised to the Church in this life. War has.

Battle I

Growing up in the Church, I often sang a song that had the line, "In heavenly armour we'll enter the land/ The battle belongs to the Lord/ No weapon that's fashioned against us will stand/ The battle belongs to the Lord..." This theme of battle has always jived with my Christian worldview- with my Christian metaphysic, more specifically. I have had a somewhat hard time in the easiest place to live on earth. To imagine this as a battle is no stretch at all.

When you feel abandoned, it can feel like a fight to do everything. It is no small thing that Christ has not abandoned me or you. And no small thing that the imagery is there in the Word.

Bad Examples

I was recently reading a copy of "The Commission" (a Southern Baptist magazine on missions). In it was an article about a young eastern european convert who had a possibility to play for his national soccer team. After he converted he decided that soccer was his idol and that in order to really follow Christ he was going to have to give up his chances at a professional career. I do not know this individual and it may be that in his case that that was a great decision. That is why I have not directly quoted and have been vague about the event. I am not interested in criticizing that particular person for his decision that I know nothing (directly) about.

However, the attitude that if you really love Jesus, something that you are really good at and takes up a lot (or even most) of your time is a bad thing or an idol... that is garbage. If you are good at something and you like it, well, there just is not much of a decision (again we are not concerned with the above mentioned individual case). What I do not like is when people hold this sort of example up as an example for others to follow. "... but G-d made me fast..." comes to mind (from "Chariots of Fire") as a more appropriate response.

Every believer should understand that G-d does not need them in the strictest sense. So He does not need a professional soccer player- and He does not need another missionary- and He does not need another Christian. Everyone of us was made a certain way and if you have certain talents and desires, you should think twice before you throw them to the wind.

I Am Back

At the Feast

The table's set and round are seats
The food is piled very high
With many spices and special treats
The master bids come nigh.

But do you hear the voice inside?
The one that never lets you sleep?
The one that always whispers harsh,
And always prays your cell to keep?

Do you feel the heavy weight?
And wonder if it goes away?
Will it weigh you down for life,
Until the Lord returns again?

Is there an ache that you would lose?
A hole that leads so deep inside?
Do you think you could come out?
Or must you run away to hide?

When everything pulls you far away
And those you love you leave behind
Do you wonder what is right?
And do you worry that you were blind?

It is hard to trust sometimes
And it is hard to see
And still we will not reach out our hands
It's only me, me, me.

The way to peace is not through will
The way to hope is not through peace
What we want is at our hands
And all we need is at the feast.

On Friends, In Brief

As everyone knows, certain things are necessary for life. Things such as air, water, and food are actually necessary conditions for being alive. And of course we all know that certain other things are necessary for proper functioning as a human being... or do we know? Things such as friends, purpose, and rest seem to sometimes not be treated as if they were as important as they actually are. And then for the Christian, of course, there is another set of things that are necessary for them to grow and have peace (let alone happiness). Do we understand worship, fellowship, spiritual disciplines, or giving? I know that many Christians do and are happy for it. Let us back up a moment, though, and think a little more about something that everyone needs.

Have you ever known someone who really did not have any friends? These people often stand out as different and odd and sad (if you notice them). They seem different, odd, and sad because they may be a big number, but they are not a big percentage. Most people have friends. There is nothing rare or unusual about having a friend. Most people have friends because it is excruciating to live without them. The vilest villain does not usually want to be alone. The bible speaks about the importance of choosing your friends wisely, in part, because G-d knows that it is not good for people to be alone. People realize that it is not good to be alone themselves and they will put not being alone above other considerations (that they might not ought to). They would most often prefer bad company to no company (for long periods, that is). Many people in the United States, for example, have never in their whole lives been 72 hours away from all contact with other people. People really do intuitively know that they need other people.

So if there is nothing rare or unusual about having a friend to talk to- and certainly nothing rare about wanting to have a friend to talk to... why then does the phrase "I feel like I have no one to talk to come across many people's lips?" My heart goes out to people who feel alone- but they would do well to remember the necessity of friends. It is not hard to get friends, but it is important to choose your friends wisely. Remember Proverbs 1:15 and Psalm 1:1.

Presidential Election and Electability

The election is more than a year away and people are making predictions- I have some thoughts on this. If predictions can be made with any amount of accuracy this far out from the election- I think we either have a populace in agreement, or we have a problem. We do not have a united populace. Therefore we have a problem, or perhaps it really is too soon to tell. Now you may think that this is an either or fallacy, but that is what the comments are for. It is a long way from the election- people should not be using electability as a criterion in making your decision this far out. It is important to begin thinking about who you are going to vote for- and it is important to vote- but we should not be excluding canidates from the election because of "electability" at this stage in the game. If Mitt Romney wants to run for president, then let him run- don't worry about the fact that he is a Mormon. If you like Ron Paul but fear that you would be wasting your vote because no one has heard of him and he doesn't have a chance- stop worrying. Listen to his speeches. Talk to your friends about him. At this stage in the game, character, track-record, and political philosophy should be all that we as voters should be concerned with. Remember that the God who made the universe is still watching and is not slow as some reckon slowness.

Mad Men and Cultural Critique

I have been watching a new show about advertising executives in the 1960's that is surpisingly well written. Take this quote for instance:

"Kids today have no one to look up to... because they are looking up to us." - From episode 4 of the TV show Mad Men

Does every generation think that the new generation is going to be the last because they are not like them or their fathers? I wonder if we have it in us to step back and see what should and should not be a priority when we criticize a particular generation. Please feel free to discuss this amongst yourselves.

A Heart That Bides

In the rain and in the mud
Where flowers drown and beauty hides
I hear the slow and steady thud
Of a heart that holds its time to bide.

The heavy past is hard to bear
The clouds block out the sun
And when the moon is drenched in blood
It seems too hard to run.

I never thought a hope was here
And never thought this dearth would bare
But all things here are possible
And we ourselves are in His care.

At the Edge

"A merry heart does good, like medicine, But a broken spirit dries the bones."- Proverbs 17:22 (NKJV)

Have you ever had a time in your life that was so full of hope and promise. A time that was full of learning and growth, a time where so many opportunities were coming together as if you were pregnant with hope- but then all of a sudden it all began to fall- and it wasn't necessarily falling quickly? Things were both oh so good, and oh so bad at the same time? Have you ever had a time in your life like that where you were not sure if it was all (and I mean all) going to be stripped away from you? You have to stop and ask yourself at times like these: what is the Lord doing? You have to ask yourself- how long Lord? Sometimes people burn brightest right before they burn out.

In times like these, when hurt comes easy, and your own sins and the sins of others come back to haunt you, when you wake with a groan and spend your time fending off despair, when everything seems like it is about to come together- or fall to pieces (and you do not know which), in these times I choose to remember something. If you ask yourself, "what is the Lord doing?" then you may begin to relax. The question reminds us of something- "the Lord". When you remember that Jesus Christ is Lord, the question takes on a different tone. The Lord is in charge; the Lord has authority. The Lord has power. The Lord is above you in all things. If you remember who is the servant and who is the master when you ask these questions- "what are you doing? How long oh Lord?" then you will be in an appropriate place to start to think about these things. Then you will be in an appropriate frame of mind to hear the answer.

"A man's heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps." - Proverbs 16:19 (NKJV)

Name that quote

"I just figured if I was gonna change the world, I would do it with cookies."

The Secrets of Womens

For anyone interested I would like to point out that Sidwaya has a regular piece titled the secrets of women. There is a link to the news paper already on the right with some other news sources that I frequent. I just never noticed that they had those things available. When I stop laughing I may be able to read some more of the secrets and let you know whether or not they only apply to African women.

The Logical Path

Nuri Kamal al-Maliki, the current prime-minister of Iraq was quoted by the New York Times as saying something quite interesting. It was said in response to comments from Senator Clinton (quoted here from MSNBC.com) and Senator Levin.

Updated: 4:44 a.m. AKT Aug 23, 2007
NEW YORK - Hillary Rodham Clinton said Wednesday the Iraqi Parliament should replace embattled Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki with a "less divisive and more unifying figure" to reconcile political and religious factions.

This is what al-Maliki said concerning the senator's comments:

But Mr. Maliki appeared to reach a new level of stridency with his reply to Senator Clinton, of New York, and Senator Levin, of Michigan. In remarks at a news briefing that referred to the senators by name, Mr. Maliki said they had spoken “as if Iraq is one of their cities.”
“Iraq is a sovereign country, and we will not allow anyone to talk about it as if it belongs to this country or that,” Mr. Maliki said. He added a phrase that could be translated as indicating that the senators ought to make sense again or should return to a logical path.

It is quite the thing to call for the removal of another country's politician of any rank. And here we have two of our own that sound to the whole world as if they have been called on doing just that. Do we really want to be in charge of the world, let alone think we are? Does Senator Clinton or Senator Levin really think it makes sense to speak publicly about their opinions on matters of staffing of foreign governments. I for one think that they have both abandoned the logical path. In so doing they have made the United States look very arrogant and ignorant. What I want to know is this- if you are going to accuse President Bush of making us look bad in foreign policy issues, why would you go and do the same thing? Hypocrisy is not the logical path.

Backwards and Broken

When you look at me like that
It Shakes me.
When I can see that you care,
in your eyes
It rattles my bones.
I lose my nerve under kindness
Like that in your eyes
I have to look away.
I am so used to harsh words
And harsh looks-
But I cannot look back
Not in your eyes, not when they are so kind
I do not want to look away
But I feel like you see inside me
And I am scared.
I feel exposed
Those who hate you cannot hurt you
Not nearly as much as those who care about you
And so if you care about me,
You can hurt me
And I am frightened
Like a child,
Because your eyes are so kind.

"...but God made me fast..."

I love to talk to people about God. I love to think about God. I love to meditate on God. I love to listen to other people speak about God. The study and contemplation of God fill me with something far beyond happiness. It is like a drug to me- only that seems far too cheap an explanation- and it is not a cheap thing.

When I was about eight years old I met a man named Rich. One day I asked him about Jesus and he kept answering my questions. It was amazing. Everytime he answered a question of mine I would ask him a question about his answer and he would answer that one, too. He took an eight-year-old boy seriously and answered all his questions. I felt something stirring in me then and that night I began to feel nauseous. I felt wicked and stubborn and guilty. I knew that I was an enemy of God. I knew I would not come to Him- but instead, He came to me. I knew that I would not choose Him- but instead He chose me. He opened my heart and took off the blinders from my eyes so that I could see. And when I could see, I became sick and I began to despair. I got down on my knees and I begged the Lord for mercy. I asked Him to come into my heart (I believe those were the words I chose at the time) and save me. I knew I needed to be saved. I asked Him to forgive me and take away my sins. My sins felt like a great weight upon me and I pleaded with the Lord to take them from me. I thought I would be overwhelmed and even killed. I was afraid once I could see myself a bit more like I really was. I was eight years old and I was afraid. A strange thing happened next, though- I was flooded with peace and assurance. I felt it in my bones. My skin tingled. I let out a sigh and I wept for so much- much of which I did not understand fully at the time. It was then that I first believed on the Lord Jesus Christ. Ever since then, nothing has satisfied me except Christ. Whenever I have strayed away- nothing but misery has followed me. I was bought- and there will be no resale.

Now I know hope. Now I know truth. Now I know life. This is all I desire- to study and meditate upon it- and explain to others all that I have learned- to answer all their questions that God will allow me to answer.

Goodnight

The night is not good from where I sit
And though the story may end in glory
The night is not good from where I sit.

The night is not good from where I stand
And though it may be necessary
And though it may prove to be all the difference
Still, the night is not good from where I stand.

The night is not good from where I lie
And though I may not change the night
And though I may have hope for tomorrow-
Still, the night is not good from where I lie.

All those things I've overlooked
And all those things I've let pass by
Apparently are not enough
To let a man just feel.

They tell me not to be so ruled
As if feeling was being ruled
They tell me this in irony
For I told them the same long before- and they are much more guilty of it.

And in the night I call to Him
And there are only echoes here
And I will sit within this dark
But it is not a good thing here.

An angry response is not a poor response
A feeling is just a feeling
If you want one, you get them all
And if you don't want one- you don't care- you don't want any.

The night is not good from where I sit
And though the story may end in glory
And though I may know and believe it well
Still, the night is not good from where I sit.

I want you to stop. Take a deep breath. Now, I want you to remember. A lot has happened. It may take awhile. It has not always been clear. Relax now, and remember what has transpired. Remember the good. Remember the bad. Think about what has happened. Remember...

The World And The Glass

The song, "ain't no sunshine when she's gone" is interesting if you take it seriously- which of course the songwriter most likely never intended. Seriously though, what does trust do to your attitude?

On Value Judgments

I have been thinking about some things lately. I have been wondering about the way people formulate longer arguments. It seems telling to read what a person making a case for something expects to encounter in the way of objections. I think you can sometimes learn more from how people frame the discussion than you sometimes learn from the argument itself. People do not seem to realize how much information they give up in the way they frame a discussion or argument. You tell people so much in the way you dscribe an issue. You often tell them what you think before you even get into the details of your argument. That becomes problematic if you are trying to have an "open" discussion. When you state your case- you can give away your "position" that you supposedly don't have yet because you are waiting to hear the other side. Such is life, though.

A Hard Swim To Save My Life

I did not think the sun would rise
And now I sit in darkness here
I did not think the moon would shine
And now I see the truth of fear.

I left the place I wanted most
Because I could not see the shore
And in that rocky vessel host
I began to want no more.

You were there and I have jumped
And swim like mad for the distant coast
And though I'm very tired now
I could not find a way to patch the boat.

Sink well beloved
I pray you find
The answers to that
Which you left behind.

The North Face, or Oh How The Mighty Have Fallen

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Don't ever call The North Face. This is not even one of the bad calls. I didn't even get put on hold or have to actually talk to someone who didn't want to help me. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Harry Potty?

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This is the culmination of an important round table discussion on Harry Potter and society. I think you will find it gripping.

24

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Jump Turn Magic, Kevin, Jump Turn Magic

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Harry Potter Camping?

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Exhale Played

Exhale

There is a dark cloud that sits over me
There is a cold sun that does not warm
I can feel the threat of emptiness
Embrace the dream that made me breathe.

I feel the wind stop strait away
Standing in the corridor
The air is dead and calm
All the world has stopped in expectation.

I dream a dream this very night
I am filled with the hope of pregnant dawn
The rays not yet upon my face
The wind not yet in my hair.

Together

Just some old and not so old favourites.

Some Drives Are Just Better Than Others

What Did I expect?

Have you ever done something you knew would result in something unfavourable, knew before you even did it- but still went ahead and did it anyways? Just wondering. Comment away chillun's

Flight

How hot my love does burn for you
And equal is my wrath
And which can I be trusted with
In such an aftermath?

I long as one bound fast in chains
Who yearns for light beyond the stones
While in his prison he does hum
In aching, sad, and dreary tones.

What can you do, when you have naught,
And all the world detains you here?
What can you do when all your strength
Has so quickly turned to fear?

That You Might Know Of Dowland

Some composers do not get enough air time. They write beautiful music and are forgotten by the masses. I know my readers crave beauty and a sentiment they can relate to. Here is a sample of the lyrics alone of a song by Dowland entitled, "Can She Excuse My Wrongs?" I encourage everyone to check out this composer and lend him your ear.


"Can she excuse my wrongs with Virtue's cloak?
Shall I call her good when she proves unkind?
Are those clear fires which vanish into smoke?
Must I praise the leaves where no fruit I find?

No no: where shadows do for bodies stand,
Thou may'st be abus'd if thy sight be dim.
Cold love is like to words written on sand,
Or two bubbles which on the water swim.

Wilt thou be thus abused still,
Seeing that she will right thee never?
If thou canst not o'ercome her will
Thy love will be thus fruitless ever.

Was I so base, that I might not aspire
Unto those high joys which she holds from me?
As they are high , so high is my desire:
If she this deny, what can granted be?

If she will yeld to that which reason is,
It is Reason's will that Love should be just.
Dear make me happy still by granting this,
Or cut off delays if that die I must.

Better a thousand times to die,
Than for to live thus still tormented:
Dear, but remember it was I
Who for thy sake did die contented"

Proof Of Love

When I have had my fill of love
And sit so drunk upon the sand
Filled with all that it provides
Will you leave me standing still?
And in the moment that you call
How will I begin to trust
The one who has so driven me
Into such a great despair?
I would not that any man
Be so pressed by such a one
And be so used and tossed about
Yet I have always wanted you
And no amount of sense has come to bear.
I am all alone it seems
And you are but a memory
Yet you speak of love as though you knew
As though you understood.
How may I in this dark night
See to hear your crys of love?
How may I believe your words?
What should count as proof of love,
That I might not throw reason to the wind?
You stray from me and strait away,
You claim yourself to misery
Yet when you willingly jump into
The parting way away from me,
You act surprised that truth is true.
Shall I remain true to you in dire straits?
Shall I remain true while you are here,
Elbow deep in my own guts-
Shall I remain?
I know not what shall sway me now-
Do not ask more silence from my lips
I know not what I can accept
When you have thrown me thus aside.
You cannot ask the things you do
And keep your conscience clean,
Love makes demands upon the soul
And does not count the reason cheap
Love with your mind as well, dear love
Though truth without love does not matter much
You still shall not find love apart from truth.
And will not find me at all if you persist.

A Prayer

How then now shall I at the last submit myself to your rule, oh Lord. As I grasp at wicked straws and futile dreams I am brought low by thine own hands from thy love. And I cannot in good conscience forget to scream thy wonders and mercies from the roof tops. Yet not as I would wish it- and not to assuage my heavy guilt- in your time and your way let it so be. I humbly ask thy forgiveness. Let me not be consumed by my own sins. Let not bitterness in my heart dwell with only ill effect. Praise be to you, oh Lord, the most high. You have laid me low. Praise be your name.

Canoeing

This weekend there was a lovely voyage on upper Chena in the H.M.S. Gunroy. There was a battle in which we were sunk, but all was not lost as we resurrected her from the depths and sailed on. Highlights of the Trip included Bonaparte imitations and a face-melting paddle solo at the end of our trip. A lovely voyage really.

The Park Road

I am looking forward to riding on the park road. What do you do about the bears, though? Let me know if anyone has any suggestions.

Footprints

Have you ever wondered what you will leave behind in a person's life once they are gone? Have you ever wondered what they will remember about you, if anything at all? I think the interesting thing is getting to the point where you want to leave more than foot prints in the snow that will presently disappear in the wind.

Sweet Summer Will Pass Away

Soon, thankfully, summer will be over, and the winter will return. Sweet winter. Sweet, sweet winter. I do not really care for the heat. It reminds me of hell. No one wants to be reminded of that.

What I'm Fighting For

You don't know
You don't understand
You have not been there
And your actions betray you anyways.

While the snowflakes fall
Slowly to the earth
I know peace.

I am nothing here
And you have made sure that I feel it
I am nothing here
And your words are a cruel hollow joke.

In the wind blowing
Chapping my skin and bringing hard the cold
I know peace.

I may fall soon
And it will be nothing to you
For sometimes you have to break someone to make someone
And I need breaking.

Not all loads are a burden
Not all work saps your soul
I remain restless until I find rest in thee.

The Simple Life

Life in the mountains is so simple. The hardest decisions are hard in a way that is usually categorically different from actual life. You just need to stay warm, eat food, drink water, and try to climb something (which amounts to going up). You talk to friends in camp (as in this picture of me and Frank somewhere in the Deltas) and when you succeed or turn around, you just go back to the car and drive home. Why life seems so much different back in town I may never know.

Dream

Long ago I had a dream
And in it I was happy still
And though the masses always teem
I drank and ate and had my fill.

Deeper still I look this day
deeper in the heart I fear
And in that place I find the dream
But I don't know if it's far or near.

Waking slow I rise to walk
And feel the sun upon my face
Sweet Jesus Here I look to you
For the strength to run the race.

You Can Never Go Home Again

Have you ever thought to yourself, "I would love to go back to this place; it was great when I was there last"? Have you ever gone back there only to find that it wasn't the same? If you haven't, you will (unless of course you never go back to a place you have already been). The funny thing is the draw of the memory. I remember some places and times in my life that were so great that... I mean the people, the fellowship, the accountability, the intellectual stimulation- all in one place at one time. I remember some people and places so fondly that just thinking about them makes me a bit teary. I long for that whole experience of the past sometimes and I wish that I could be in it now. The truth is, however, you can never go home again. I don't mean you shouldn't visit your mother on thanksgiving- what I am saying is something that you will all find out and understand if you aren't already nodding your heads while you read this. You can never go home again. When you return to a place that you once loved that you haven't been to in a long time- it has changed. I won't spend too much time on this, because I know no one ever gets it from hearing someone talk about it. Everyone has to experience it for themselves. I certainly didn't get it. I remember getting out of the service. I was so excited to go back home. I could not wait. I had plans laid out, arrangments made, the whole nine yards. Then my mother had a heart-attack and I went home (right before I was to get out of the service) to see her. It was quite the experience. Right away, as soon as I got home, I noticed a difference. My town was different. My family was different. My friends were gone and changed. I was upset at first- and that is when I remembered what someone had told me once (well, probably more than once)... you can never go home again. It is a significant statement that I never understood until I went home after being away for four years. I missed the way it was, but I knew that if my mother was ok that I did not have the reasons to go back to Boston that I thought I had. So after my visit, I flew back to the North and canceled my plans and stayed right where I was (though not on post anymore- which made all the difference). It was a good choice- but I couldn't have made it if I had not understood that you can never go home again. So to all you readers out there, Just remember the phrase, so that when you experience it- you will understand. I don't know anyone who has understood it that has not gone through it and I thank the Lord for the lessons He teaches us in life, especially the hard ones like this. So make a home wherever you are because God is there and He is not silent or slow to act. And don't forget to fly home and visit your mother every once in awhile.

Just A Brief Thought

You know I have noticed that people use religion and religious language to avoid dealing with two things. I have noticed they do these two things frequently. The two things that people do not want to confront (it seems to me) are culture and tradition, and their own emotions.
In the first, people want to avoid having to evaluate what their parents taught them, or their Church growing up taught them, or all their friends at home think. They do not want to consider that these things may be unnecessary or even wrong, so they dress it up in religious language to give it a sort of authority. They may even think (or begin to think) that this is really the authority a particular belief or way of doing things has. They might actually believe that they think this way, or they do things that way, because that is what Christians do or think. The truth of the matter, however, may be altogether different. There may be no biblical mandate whatsoever for doing things a certain way or thinking things are a certain way. It is hard to ignore tradition. It is hard to ignore the advice of the ones you love and trust. I say that if it is hard to ignore these things then you are doing good. You shouldn't ignore what your family or friends, or church says to you. You also shouldn't accept it unconditionally. If I love you (for instance), it does not make me infallable. My love for a person does not garauntee that I will give them good advice. So although if I love a person they should not ignore me- they also should not take whatever I say as gospel truth. (which is why meditation on the Word is so important)
In the second, people often feel a certain way and they ascribe that feeling to God, or to the Holy Spirit in their life, or to some act of conscience- when in reality, they do not want to admit that they feel a certain way. They do not want to have to deal with the consequences of their feelings- so they couch them in religious terms. They say that this or that doesn't seem right- I feel like the Spirit is telling me something. I do not for a second think that the Spirit will not guide you and even prompt you, but I also do not think it is wise to blame God for things that you yourself do and feel.
Since I am on a break, I will have to leave it at that for now.

A Few Days Off

So with finals bearing down, I will not be able to write much for a few days. Just thought I would let all my fans know that I will return- and I will continue to provide you with the joy of writing you have come to expect..

On The Road Again

Having started riding my bike again recently, I thought I would offer a friendly reminder to all the cyclists out there. Remember to lube your chain. If you are using the dry-lube (which attracts less dirt), you need to lube your bike chain every two or three days. If you do not think you can remember to do this that often, you should switch to a more traditional lubricant- because a dry chain is bad no matter what. Remember that. There is always a best way to do things for a given activity- but lube it up no matter what (even if all you have is wd-40).

A Prayer

Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ to the left of me, Christ to the right of me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ inside me.

Father, who hath made me and all the heavens and the earth besides, who hath brought me into being when I was naught, who hath raised the mountains from the earth and raised your son from the grave, to you oh holy one I come now in prayer. Let the light of your word make way for the work of your spirit to work in me that which I cannot work in myself. Let the voice of your word be set in my heart- make me to stand fast, oh Lord. May my heart be as you would that it be. May my mind think thoughts after your thoughts. May the whole of who I am be submitted to you. Thank you, oh Lord, for your loving kindness towards me, your humble servant. I lift my voice with all of the church to praise your name forever.

I love You Deep Upon The Dirt Where You Have Laid Me Low

I set my heart to love you
And set my will to the task
With my actions and not my words
So that when the time came to ask

The words would not be hollow
And the words would not be cheap
That those three words might fill your soul
And bring love to you down deep.

But all my heart's love is vacant
For you have left so soon
And counted cheap my very being
That you once made to swoon.

You have despised my love for you
And thrown it in the dirt
And every time I see you know
I only feel the hurt.

Why is the answer to run away?
Why is the answer to leave?
Why is my heart so cheap to you?
And where is my reprieve?

I can't believe you're going now
Just as my heart awakes
With all the love and charity
For you beloved sake.

So soon you will have laid me low
So soon the dam will break
And in the flood that follows then
The earth itself will shake.

The pieces of my broken heart
Will be to small to see
So soon I will be overcome
By what you have done to me.

Do not think that it's ok
Or that I will be unchanged
My love for you was deep and wide
And you cared not for me.

You know that actions speak quite loud
And words so soft they pass you by
And now that you have left me here
I would wait to die.

But life itself is not so cheap
And though the valley be this deep
Still will I lift my hands up high
And shout His praises to the sky.

May the Lord who made us both
Speak to the pain so wrought in you
And heal your every wound sweet child
And cover you with the morning dew.

I love you and it breaks my heart
I wish you would not go
You throw me down- it's no small thing
Yet who am I to know?



I

I am light as air
And with this easy yoke
I see the stormclouds as just clouds
With no malcontented guise

I lift my hands unto the sky
And from the hills my help pours down
With all the rolling of the sea
And in this day my hope draws near.

I see the way and it is clear
I see the moment all alone
Free from all the burdens now
Today the sun breaks free.

I have a nature

Describing man as having a nature seems a convenient thing. Why wouldn't there be something driving our behavior? Trying to imagine not having something internal driving our every decision seems almost unthinkable. I ask the question, "what is man's nature? Is it good or evil?" because I believe that I myself have internal driving forces that inform and make possible my decisions and behavior. I would like you to think (for at least a moment) what you would be like if you did not have a nature. How would you account for the activities of your mind? How would you account for your desires? How would you account for your behavior? Now I know so many of us are afraid of mental gymnastics, but really, you should just give it a try.

The Second Definition

The 2001 edition of the Random House Webster's College Dictionary says nature is:

5. the particular combination of qualities belonging to a person, animal, thing, or class by birth, origin, or constitution; native or inherent character. 6. character, kind, or sort: two books of the same nature. 7. characteristic disposition; temperament: an evil nature. 8. the natural, primitive condition of humankind. 9. biological functions or urges. 10. the laws and principles that guide the universe or an individual.

I find the frequent use of the term "character" very interesting. Let me know what you think.

On Nature

When I think of my nature I tend to think of moral desires and proclivities. I do not often think beyond this. I have not long thought on such things as being made in the image of God or what Francis Schaeffer calls the "mannishness of man". I think that in the realm of desires we feel the need of our nature. Is that the only realm, though?

First Definition

Noah Webster defined nature this way:

3. The essence, essential qualities or attributes of a thing, which constitute it what it is; as the nature of the soul; the nature of blood; the nature of a fluid; the nature of plants, or of a metal; the nature of a circle or an angle. When we speak of the nature of man, we understand the peculiar constitution of his body or mind or the qualities of the species which distinguish him from other animals. When we speak of the nature of a man, or as an individual of the race, we mean his particular qualities or constitution; either the peculiar temperament of his body, or the affections of his mind, his natural appetites, passions, disposition or temper. So of irrational animals. (Noah Webster." American Dictionary of the English Language." Foundation for American Christian Education: San Francisco, 1996.)

I would love to hear what people think about this one.

The Nature of Man question begins with...

What is it mean to have a certain nature? It seems have a lot of possible slants and it seems terribly grey. Now I realize that this is most likely a result of my ignorance and not something else. While Mencius says that human nature is good and the doctrine of the Christian Church is clear that man's nature is evil, I am forced to ask, "what is nature?"

The Nature of Man

The Chinese philosopher Mencius believed that man's nature was ultimately good. He believed that when a man sinned it was not the fault of his nature, but rather it was something else. Here is a quote from, "The Book of Mencius" where he applies this but also makes an interesting critique on men in doing so.

"Mencius said, 'Humanity is man's mind and righteousness is man's path. Pity the man who abandons the path and does not follow it, and who has lost his heart and does not know how to recover it. When people's dogs and fowls are lost, they go look for them, and yet, when they have lost their hearts, they do not go to look for them. The way of learning is none other than finding the lost mind." (Mencius, from: "A Source Book In Chinese Philosophy. Translated and Compiled by Wing-Tsit Chan. Princeton University Press: Princeton, 1973)

While I cannot agree with his view on the nature of man- I do find it interesting that he thinks that a lack of self-examination is absurd. I couldn't agree more. I know that my own priorities may have a way to go- but I just do not understand how people can not look into so many important things. Let me know what you think.

The Presence of the Lord

What do you think of when you see the sunrise? Do you see new possibilities? Do you see new chances? Do you see hope? I know that everymorning when the sun rises the Lord is present with me. I know that every noonday when the sun is high overhead (I have a good memory) baking the life out of everything on the ground- I know the Lord is present with me there too. I know that when the sun slips low below the horizon and sets the clouds on fire- then also is the Lord with me. I know in the dark watches of the long cold nights that brook no talk of happiness- I know that then, too, the Lord is with me. I know He is present in the lifting and present in the laying low. I know that He is present in the joining and present in the sundering. I know that He is present when I wake and present when I lie down to sleep at night. I know that God who is my Lord is ever-present with me. Do you remember He is there when you hurt? Do you remember He is there when you rejoice? Do you remember that He is there when you sin against Him? You cannot escape the creator. He is always here; He is always present.

Abort73

If you think that abortion is a choice, you should visit this site. If you think that abortion is wrong, you should also visit this site. If you are about to eat lunch and you think it is wrong, perhaps you should not visit this site (until after lunch). Avoid defending things that you have not seen.

The Divine Art of Meditation

On This page you can download and listen or read four sermons by Dr. Peter Toon on meditation given at St Thomas' Episcopal Church in Houston, TX. I feel that the art of meditation has been lost on me and much of the American church. I think you will find these four sermons quite enlightening. Unfortunately, I fear that meditation is not the only thing that has been lost by the Church at large in America. This should be another reminder of why history matters, and as Dr. John Piper has said, "the study of biography is mandated in scripture." Let us not forget what has gone before.

The Morning He Heard The Voice of God

Here is a brief piece on the Word of God and Extra Biblical revelation by John Piper that I thought you would all like to hear. Just click on the title of this post.

My Father's Son

I am my father's son
And every day I wake to find him gone
And every time I think of him it hurts
Just like it did at first.

I am my father's son
And he will never see me grow
And he can never tell me what to do
And everyday he's gone.

I am my father's son
And though I wish that he were here
And though I wish that he would know
It was said to be.

I am my father's son
I wish that I could know him now
I wish that he could read my words
For everyday forevermore I am my father's son.

Remembering Francis Schaeffer.

An article for you to read courtesy of Christianity Today (via CT Direct).

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/april/13.40.html

Is Autonomy a Lie? Is Relation eternal?

I have been told something for most of my life that I have never actually meditated or thought much upon. I have been told that love exists and always has existed in the Trinity. So the Father loves the Son who loves the Father who loves the Holy Spirit who loves the Father, etc... More recently I heard submission alluded to in the Trinity. The gospel of John attests to this last one in great detail and with frequent repetition. Jesus is forever doing the will of the father and not doing his own will. What has hit me hard, however, is the recent assertion by an Anglican priest named Dr. Peter Toon, that the individual as a noun does not exist. He said that Jesus most certainly was not an autonomous individual and that we as members of the Body of Christ- as members of the Church- were always just that. He said we are always our Father's sons. He said we were always our Lord's servants. He said we were always our brother's brothers. His assertion was that although there are individual persons, that those persons always exist in relation to someone and often in relation to some thing (as in a body or polotic). I, as an American, have believed my whole life that I was not these things. I have always believed that I was alone and independant. This has often in dark times underscored my belief that I was alone. I have not felt connected to family or other people most all my life. Dr. Toon's assertions on the nature of man as man in relation strikes a sharp blow that cuts deep into my American soul. I do not know how to respond, but I know that I have no good response from the Bible to contradict him. May the Lord grant mercy to us His servants and upon that clarity and discernment and trust in His word.

The Lion Inside

Shield me oh Lord from the wicked that surround me
And from my enemies within protect me oh my God
The truth of your Word lies heavy in the vault
The lion paces in the cage
Unleash my defender oh Lord and let him fight.

Forgive me oh Lord for I have sinned
Have mercy upon me in my hour of distress
My sins consume me
Let loose the Lion inside
Fight for me my Lord.

I am tired from the hiding
And all the running has made me weak
Let me stand in thy holy presence
Gird my loins with righteousness.
Make a path for me to walk upon oh Lord
Go before and clear the way.

Make me to stand in thy Word
Cause me to see what the world has hidden
Raise my broken body up
And fill me with thy strength.

To you, oh Lord, who saved my soul
To you I give my blessing
Let the praise from my lips flow from within
From the heart that you have made.

On Terrorism

There is less than a week left before the movie "300" comes out in theatres. Mostly shot with blue screen, there is a whole lot of to do about the fantastic look of the film. The story is one we all learned in highschool and has a strong emotional kick to it. Whenever the few take on the many and are willing to fight to the death... it can have a teary heart-rousing impact on all of us.

That impact is less strong, however, if the few are believed to be terrorists. They too are few and take on the many. What do you think?

Understanding What?

You know, I wonder sometimes about just what it is that makes me the way I am- and anyone who knows me has no idea what I am talking about- so if you don't know me, don't worry, you are not missing anything. What I want to know is, if I understand how I came to be, can I change anything? If knowing changes things, then there is real motivation to look into the past. If knowing is some sort of trivia, that just informs you on what to avoid if you ever reproduce, well then, I just don't have the same motivation.

I am tempted to make comparisons between myself and the middle east. Let's say we knew conclusively why the middle east is the hot bed of overflowing joy that it currently is. What would that mean for fixing anything? Is this a problem of too many factors to digest and put in their place? Or is it a problem of principle- are fixing it and knowing how it got that way two unrelated things? Or is it a poor analogy?

On Faith

I see before me the eyes of death
And my teachers bid me stare it down
But I just want to look away
I don't want to see.

I see before me the death of self
And my father's bid me learn it well
But I am afraid to make a choice
I just want to run away.

I see before me the path of pain
And my mothers bid me use it well
But I just want the pain to stop
And I just want to flee and hide.

I see before me a step to life
But I do not see the path
I only see the next foot forward
The rest remains unknown.

Holidays of Joy

Thank you americancatholic.org

"The roots of St. Valentine's Day lie in the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia, which was celebrated on Feb. 15. For 800 years the Romans had dedicated this day to the god Lupercus. On Lupercalia, a young man would draw the name of a young woman in a lottery and would then keep the woman as a sexual companion for the year.

Pope Gelasius I was, understandably, less than thrilled with this custom. So he changed the lottery to have both young men and women draw the names of saints whom they would then emulate for the year (a change that no doubt disappointed a few young men). Instead of Lupercus, the patron of the feast became Valentine. For Roman men, the day continued to be an occasion to seek the affections of women, and it became a tradition to give out handwritten messages of admiration that included Valentine's name."

Is This a Letter?

I am often reminded of the great gulf between us, you and I. We stare across it at each other. But it is a large gulf. Who would try to jump across it? It is too great. Where is there a bridge, someone always asks? Where can we connect? But when you look down, all you see is inky blackness- who knows how deep it is. And no bridge in sight. So we walk along the edges you and I, and sometimes we call to each other. I, myself, would just like to fall in and find the bottom. But there is the matter of the fence. This is all well and good to say out loud- but the real question is- who is writing? And who are they writing to?

When I die inside of it
With the red roses dripping from the rafters
And the sweet sun burning in through the skin of it
I will lift my hands and look to the hills.

When I rise from this body of death and decay
And stand once again on two legs
Up from the blood and gore that cover my corpse
I will lift up my hands.

When the chains that bind me are loosed
And the weight that sits so heavy on me
Is taken up
I will lift my voice.

I am in the mud
I am fallen low
I am underneath the weight of sin and death
But I will rise- and this not on my own.

You all laugh at me
And some look on with pity
But I am nothing here and you are fools
And I will not laugh at your defeat.

This then I wait for:
The end of days
The end of me
And the return of the King.

Where in Hell

Funny how things go sometimes. It seems like just the other day I was on a search for something- and in the thick of it. What seems like yesterday has turned into years- and I still haven't found what I'm looking for (sorry Bono, I couldn't think of a different way to say it). When you are intentionally involved, the passage of time seems justified (whether fast or slow). When you are not consciously involved, however, it is as if you periodically wake up, look around and ask yourself- "where the heck am I?" When I was first in college, the possibilities for life seemed endless- now, I don't even want most things. I am not interested in very many possibilities any more...

Funny how things go sometimes. It seems like I just cannot seem to stay awake (metaphorically speaking). It is like I keep waking up in a different spot and find that more of my life has been lived- and apparently it was lived by me... what to do, what to do... hmmm...

I remember when Colonel Potter said, "if you ain't where you are, you ain't nowhere," on M.A.S.H. I just cannot seem to be where I am for very long. I always seem to be somewhere else.

The Isolation of Self

Why is it that people who need others and already know they need others walk alone? Why is it that people suffer when they do not need to? Why is it that members of a body would isolate themselves from the body as a whole? Why carry burdens yourself that will break you and that others would be happy to share?

A Psalm, part I

As you grind me into dust with the length of days
And batter me hard and long
Remember your promise
And do not forsake me
I have no strength left
My glory is turned to shame and I have fallen
I do not see anything in this darkness
No light
No sound
No hopeful children's laughter
No games and no pretty girls
My tongue no longer tastes
My eyes no longer see
My hands feel only the cold.

Long ago you heard me call
Long ago you answered
Long ago you saved me
I am sorry that it has come to this
I am sorry that I am so stiff-necked and rebellious
I am sorry that you have to beat me like this
I don't know how to see it- even though you told me.

Let the lost light filter down
Let the lost soul bend the knee
Let him bow before the starry crown
And let the blind man once again see.

Discontent

Now I can see the truth of my heart
It is not content
It is restless everynight
And cannot find peace
The answers are not within
And neither is the will to right-
Or so it seems.
I repeat and find new sins
And jump of cliffs that are too high
Because I do not trust my God
I always want more
I always seek for more
I am not content
I am a young fool
And all the destruction that I have wrought
Has been from my discontent
All the damage that I have done
Has been from my lack of trust
I am not at peace because I am not obedient
I am not obedient because I am afraid and hurting
I am afraid and hurting because I do not trust
I am willfull and stiff-necked
Rock-bottom awaits my redemption
Now and in the hour of my death.

To Mike

You ran fast. You smiled quick. When you were killed by small arms fire in Iraq we all lost something. I will miss you. I may never run as fast as you did in life- but I will not forget you. Goodbye Mike, the world is not the same without you.

The Lord Who Calls Us Home

When all hope was lost
And had swiftly fled the night
And I was so alone
And unable to fight-

That is when you came
He sent you from the past
A friend indeed in my time of need
With all the things that last.

I had forgotten just what we were
And could not hope to find
The answers that we already had
And I had lost in time.

But just the thought of you right now
reminds me from where I've come
And all the hopes that we once had
That God has put to shame.

I have been so far afield
And lost and on my own
But I think I remember now
The Lord who calls us home.

Here We Go Again

Another year has passed campers. I for one may know more than I ever have before- but I certainly don't feel good about it. I just see better now what a truly long road it is likely to be. I remember my 11th birthday party. It was awsome. I mean I was shy and wasn't that good at being sociable- but it seemed normal. And I definitely thought normal was synonymous with good at the time. There were lot's of people- and even kids from my own class. I remember that my nana made my favourite cake. My mom made beef stew. Justin from school gave me a goldfish whom I promptly named void (and that died about three days later- I wrote a poem for him, I think... can't find it though). I thought the goldfish was cool- and I thought that getting a gift from a classmate ("dare I think him a friend?" I thought) was cool. Jennifer came too and got me something- and Jen and Justin's parents were there and they went off and "played" with my parents while we played amongst ourselves. There were presents and food and I think there might have been family, too- but probably not too many of them. All in all my elleventh birthday was ok- actually it was pretty good. I felt like I was normal for a bit, felt like I belonged for just a few hours. Good hours they were. I miss them. Another year and all that has come before has led me here. May God have mercy upon me and cause the light of His countenance to shine upon me. May He give me awareness of my birth in Christ that I have not known. May He show me how I am to live more this year than the last. May I, in my weakness- whether in despair or in triumph, whether in victory or defeat- give praise to His name and remember Him always. May He continue to withold that which I desire more than life until such time as is right. Blessed be the name of the Lord, without whom, knowledge falls apart. Another year.

How Can I...?

Find me oh Lord, for I am lost
The screams are ripped from my throat
As I fall through the darkness
The inky black surrounds me
And I only feel the rush of the wind upon my face
As I fall.

Find me, oh Lord, for I am yours
How can I worship you When my heart is so cold?
How can I hear you when the clubs of my enemies beat me round my ears?
Pick me up, oh God-
You who made the earth and all the heavens 'round,
Pick me up.

Find me, Oh Lord, for you are my rock
And all else is vanity
I am surrounded by the lies I have believed
They rot my heart out from within
I fall by them
They threaten to consume me
Save me from the war within myself.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge
You have spoken, my Lord
Fools despise instruction
You have spoken, my Lord
You have conquered death-
So let me die only once,
And this every day.