When I die inside of it
With the red roses dripping from the rafters
And the sweet sun burning in through the skin of it
I will lift my hands and look to the hills.

When I rise from this body of death and decay
And stand once again on two legs
Up from the blood and gore that cover my corpse
I will lift up my hands.

When the chains that bind me are loosed
And the weight that sits so heavy on me
Is taken up
I will lift my voice.

I am in the mud
I am fallen low
I am underneath the weight of sin and death
But I will rise- and this not on my own.

You all laugh at me
And some look on with pity
But I am nothing here and you are fools
And I will not laugh at your defeat.

This then I wait for:
The end of days
The end of me
And the return of the King.

Where in Hell

Funny how things go sometimes. It seems like just the other day I was on a search for something- and in the thick of it. What seems like yesterday has turned into years- and I still haven't found what I'm looking for (sorry Bono, I couldn't think of a different way to say it). When you are intentionally involved, the passage of time seems justified (whether fast or slow). When you are not consciously involved, however, it is as if you periodically wake up, look around and ask yourself- "where the heck am I?" When I was first in college, the possibilities for life seemed endless- now, I don't even want most things. I am not interested in very many possibilities any more...

Funny how things go sometimes. It seems like I just cannot seem to stay awake (metaphorically speaking). It is like I keep waking up in a different spot and find that more of my life has been lived- and apparently it was lived by me... what to do, what to do... hmmm...

I remember when Colonel Potter said, "if you ain't where you are, you ain't nowhere," on M.A.S.H. I just cannot seem to be where I am for very long. I always seem to be somewhere else.

The Isolation of Self

Why is it that people who need others and already know they need others walk alone? Why is it that people suffer when they do not need to? Why is it that members of a body would isolate themselves from the body as a whole? Why carry burdens yourself that will break you and that others would be happy to share?

A Psalm, part I

As you grind me into dust with the length of days
And batter me hard and long
Remember your promise
And do not forsake me
I have no strength left
My glory is turned to shame and I have fallen
I do not see anything in this darkness
No light
No sound
No hopeful children's laughter
No games and no pretty girls
My tongue no longer tastes
My eyes no longer see
My hands feel only the cold.

Long ago you heard me call
Long ago you answered
Long ago you saved me
I am sorry that it has come to this
I am sorry that I am so stiff-necked and rebellious
I am sorry that you have to beat me like this
I don't know how to see it- even though you told me.

Let the lost light filter down
Let the lost soul bend the knee
Let him bow before the starry crown
And let the blind man once again see.

Discontent

Now I can see the truth of my heart
It is not content
It is restless everynight
And cannot find peace
The answers are not within
And neither is the will to right-
Or so it seems.
I repeat and find new sins
And jump of cliffs that are too high
Because I do not trust my God
I always want more
I always seek for more
I am not content
I am a young fool
And all the destruction that I have wrought
Has been from my discontent
All the damage that I have done
Has been from my lack of trust
I am not at peace because I am not obedient
I am not obedient because I am afraid and hurting
I am afraid and hurting because I do not trust
I am willfull and stiff-necked
Rock-bottom awaits my redemption
Now and in the hour of my death.

To Mike

You ran fast. You smiled quick. When you were killed by small arms fire in Iraq we all lost something. I will miss you. I may never run as fast as you did in life- but I will not forget you. Goodbye Mike, the world is not the same without you.

The Lord Who Calls Us Home

When all hope was lost
And had swiftly fled the night
And I was so alone
And unable to fight-

That is when you came
He sent you from the past
A friend indeed in my time of need
With all the things that last.

I had forgotten just what we were
And could not hope to find
The answers that we already had
And I had lost in time.

But just the thought of you right now
reminds me from where I've come
And all the hopes that we once had
That God has put to shame.

I have been so far afield
And lost and on my own
But I think I remember now
The Lord who calls us home.

Here We Go Again

Another year has passed campers. I for one may know more than I ever have before- but I certainly don't feel good about it. I just see better now what a truly long road it is likely to be. I remember my 11th birthday party. It was awsome. I mean I was shy and wasn't that good at being sociable- but it seemed normal. And I definitely thought normal was synonymous with good at the time. There were lot's of people- and even kids from my own class. I remember that my nana made my favourite cake. My mom made beef stew. Justin from school gave me a goldfish whom I promptly named void (and that died about three days later- I wrote a poem for him, I think... can't find it though). I thought the goldfish was cool- and I thought that getting a gift from a classmate ("dare I think him a friend?" I thought) was cool. Jennifer came too and got me something- and Jen and Justin's parents were there and they went off and "played" with my parents while we played amongst ourselves. There were presents and food and I think there might have been family, too- but probably not too many of them. All in all my elleventh birthday was ok- actually it was pretty good. I felt like I was normal for a bit, felt like I belonged for just a few hours. Good hours they were. I miss them. Another year and all that has come before has led me here. May God have mercy upon me and cause the light of His countenance to shine upon me. May He give me awareness of my birth in Christ that I have not known. May He show me how I am to live more this year than the last. May I, in my weakness- whether in despair or in triumph, whether in victory or defeat- give praise to His name and remember Him always. May He continue to withold that which I desire more than life until such time as is right. Blessed be the name of the Lord, without whom, knowledge falls apart. Another year.

How Can I...?

Find me oh Lord, for I am lost
The screams are ripped from my throat
As I fall through the darkness
The inky black surrounds me
And I only feel the rush of the wind upon my face
As I fall.

Find me, oh Lord, for I am yours
How can I worship you When my heart is so cold?
How can I hear you when the clubs of my enemies beat me round my ears?
Pick me up, oh God-
You who made the earth and all the heavens 'round,
Pick me up.

Find me, Oh Lord, for you are my rock
And all else is vanity
I am surrounded by the lies I have believed
They rot my heart out from within
I fall by them
They threaten to consume me
Save me from the war within myself.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge
You have spoken, my Lord
Fools despise instruction
You have spoken, my Lord
You have conquered death-
So let me die only once,
And this every day.