Proof Of Love

When I have had my fill of love
And sit so drunk upon the sand
Filled with all that it provides
Will you leave me standing still?
And in the moment that you call
How will I begin to trust
The one who has so driven me
Into such a great despair?
I would not that any man
Be so pressed by such a one
And be so used and tossed about
Yet I have always wanted you
And no amount of sense has come to bear.
I am all alone it seems
And you are but a memory
Yet you speak of love as though you knew
As though you understood.
How may I in this dark night
See to hear your crys of love?
How may I believe your words?
What should count as proof of love,
That I might not throw reason to the wind?
You stray from me and strait away,
You claim yourself to misery
Yet when you willingly jump into
The parting way away from me,
You act surprised that truth is true.
Shall I remain true to you in dire straits?
Shall I remain true while you are here,
Elbow deep in my own guts-
Shall I remain?
I know not what shall sway me now-
Do not ask more silence from my lips
I know not what I can accept
When you have thrown me thus aside.
You cannot ask the things you do
And keep your conscience clean,
Love makes demands upon the soul
And does not count the reason cheap
Love with your mind as well, dear love
Though truth without love does not matter much
You still shall not find love apart from truth.
And will not find me at all if you persist.

A Prayer

How then now shall I at the last submit myself to your rule, oh Lord. As I grasp at wicked straws and futile dreams I am brought low by thine own hands from thy love. And I cannot in good conscience forget to scream thy wonders and mercies from the roof tops. Yet not as I would wish it- and not to assuage my heavy guilt- in your time and your way let it so be. I humbly ask thy forgiveness. Let me not be consumed by my own sins. Let not bitterness in my heart dwell with only ill effect. Praise be to you, oh Lord, the most high. You have laid me low. Praise be your name.

Canoeing

This weekend there was a lovely voyage on upper Chena in the H.M.S. Gunroy. There was a battle in which we were sunk, but all was not lost as we resurrected her from the depths and sailed on. Highlights of the Trip included Bonaparte imitations and a face-melting paddle solo at the end of our trip. A lovely voyage really.

The Park Road

I am looking forward to riding on the park road. What do you do about the bears, though? Let me know if anyone has any suggestions.

Footprints

Have you ever wondered what you will leave behind in a person's life once they are gone? Have you ever wondered what they will remember about you, if anything at all? I think the interesting thing is getting to the point where you want to leave more than foot prints in the snow that will presently disappear in the wind.

Sweet Summer Will Pass Away

Soon, thankfully, summer will be over, and the winter will return. Sweet winter. Sweet, sweet winter. I do not really care for the heat. It reminds me of hell. No one wants to be reminded of that.

What I'm Fighting For

You don't know
You don't understand
You have not been there
And your actions betray you anyways.

While the snowflakes fall
Slowly to the earth
I know peace.

I am nothing here
And you have made sure that I feel it
I am nothing here
And your words are a cruel hollow joke.

In the wind blowing
Chapping my skin and bringing hard the cold
I know peace.

I may fall soon
And it will be nothing to you
For sometimes you have to break someone to make someone
And I need breaking.

Not all loads are a burden
Not all work saps your soul
I remain restless until I find rest in thee.

The Simple Life

Life in the mountains is so simple. The hardest decisions are hard in a way that is usually categorically different from actual life. You just need to stay warm, eat food, drink water, and try to climb something (which amounts to going up). You talk to friends in camp (as in this picture of me and Frank somewhere in the Deltas) and when you succeed or turn around, you just go back to the car and drive home. Why life seems so much different back in town I may never know.

Dream

Long ago I had a dream
And in it I was happy still
And though the masses always teem
I drank and ate and had my fill.

Deeper still I look this day
deeper in the heart I fear
And in that place I find the dream
But I don't know if it's far or near.

Waking slow I rise to walk
And feel the sun upon my face
Sweet Jesus Here I look to you
For the strength to run the race.

You Can Never Go Home Again

Have you ever thought to yourself, "I would love to go back to this place; it was great when I was there last"? Have you ever gone back there only to find that it wasn't the same? If you haven't, you will (unless of course you never go back to a place you have already been). The funny thing is the draw of the memory. I remember some places and times in my life that were so great that... I mean the people, the fellowship, the accountability, the intellectual stimulation- all in one place at one time. I remember some people and places so fondly that just thinking about them makes me a bit teary. I long for that whole experience of the past sometimes and I wish that I could be in it now. The truth is, however, you can never go home again. I don't mean you shouldn't visit your mother on thanksgiving- what I am saying is something that you will all find out and understand if you aren't already nodding your heads while you read this. You can never go home again. When you return to a place that you once loved that you haven't been to in a long time- it has changed. I won't spend too much time on this, because I know no one ever gets it from hearing someone talk about it. Everyone has to experience it for themselves. I certainly didn't get it. I remember getting out of the service. I was so excited to go back home. I could not wait. I had plans laid out, arrangments made, the whole nine yards. Then my mother had a heart-attack and I went home (right before I was to get out of the service) to see her. It was quite the experience. Right away, as soon as I got home, I noticed a difference. My town was different. My family was different. My friends were gone and changed. I was upset at first- and that is when I remembered what someone had told me once (well, probably more than once)... you can never go home again. It is a significant statement that I never understood until I went home after being away for four years. I missed the way it was, but I knew that if my mother was ok that I did not have the reasons to go back to Boston that I thought I had. So after my visit, I flew back to the North and canceled my plans and stayed right where I was (though not on post anymore- which made all the difference). It was a good choice- but I couldn't have made it if I had not understood that you can never go home again. So to all you readers out there, Just remember the phrase, so that when you experience it- you will understand. I don't know anyone who has understood it that has not gone through it and I thank the Lord for the lessons He teaches us in life, especially the hard ones like this. So make a home wherever you are because God is there and He is not silent or slow to act. And don't forget to fly home and visit your mother every once in awhile.

Just A Brief Thought

You know I have noticed that people use religion and religious language to avoid dealing with two things. I have noticed they do these two things frequently. The two things that people do not want to confront (it seems to me) are culture and tradition, and their own emotions.
In the first, people want to avoid having to evaluate what their parents taught them, or their Church growing up taught them, or all their friends at home think. They do not want to consider that these things may be unnecessary or even wrong, so they dress it up in religious language to give it a sort of authority. They may even think (or begin to think) that this is really the authority a particular belief or way of doing things has. They might actually believe that they think this way, or they do things that way, because that is what Christians do or think. The truth of the matter, however, may be altogether different. There may be no biblical mandate whatsoever for doing things a certain way or thinking things are a certain way. It is hard to ignore tradition. It is hard to ignore the advice of the ones you love and trust. I say that if it is hard to ignore these things then you are doing good. You shouldn't ignore what your family or friends, or church says to you. You also shouldn't accept it unconditionally. If I love you (for instance), it does not make me infallable. My love for a person does not garauntee that I will give them good advice. So although if I love a person they should not ignore me- they also should not take whatever I say as gospel truth. (which is why meditation on the Word is so important)
In the second, people often feel a certain way and they ascribe that feeling to God, or to the Holy Spirit in their life, or to some act of conscience- when in reality, they do not want to admit that they feel a certain way. They do not want to have to deal with the consequences of their feelings- so they couch them in religious terms. They say that this or that doesn't seem right- I feel like the Spirit is telling me something. I do not for a second think that the Spirit will not guide you and even prompt you, but I also do not think it is wise to blame God for things that you yourself do and feel.
Since I am on a break, I will have to leave it at that for now.

A Few Days Off

So with finals bearing down, I will not be able to write much for a few days. Just thought I would let all my fans know that I will return- and I will continue to provide you with the joy of writing you have come to expect..

On The Road Again

Having started riding my bike again recently, I thought I would offer a friendly reminder to all the cyclists out there. Remember to lube your chain. If you are using the dry-lube (which attracts less dirt), you need to lube your bike chain every two or three days. If you do not think you can remember to do this that often, you should switch to a more traditional lubricant- because a dry chain is bad no matter what. Remember that. There is always a best way to do things for a given activity- but lube it up no matter what (even if all you have is wd-40).

A Prayer

Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ to the left of me, Christ to the right of me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ inside me.

Father, who hath made me and all the heavens and the earth besides, who hath brought me into being when I was naught, who hath raised the mountains from the earth and raised your son from the grave, to you oh holy one I come now in prayer. Let the light of your word make way for the work of your spirit to work in me that which I cannot work in myself. Let the voice of your word be set in my heart- make me to stand fast, oh Lord. May my heart be as you would that it be. May my mind think thoughts after your thoughts. May the whole of who I am be submitted to you. Thank you, oh Lord, for your loving kindness towards me, your humble servant. I lift my voice with all of the church to praise your name forever.

I love You Deep Upon The Dirt Where You Have Laid Me Low

I set my heart to love you
And set my will to the task
With my actions and not my words
So that when the time came to ask

The words would not be hollow
And the words would not be cheap
That those three words might fill your soul
And bring love to you down deep.

But all my heart's love is vacant
For you have left so soon
And counted cheap my very being
That you once made to swoon.

You have despised my love for you
And thrown it in the dirt
And every time I see you know
I only feel the hurt.

Why is the answer to run away?
Why is the answer to leave?
Why is my heart so cheap to you?
And where is my reprieve?

I can't believe you're going now
Just as my heart awakes
With all the love and charity
For you beloved sake.

So soon you will have laid me low
So soon the dam will break
And in the flood that follows then
The earth itself will shake.

The pieces of my broken heart
Will be to small to see
So soon I will be overcome
By what you have done to me.

Do not think that it's ok
Or that I will be unchanged
My love for you was deep and wide
And you cared not for me.

You know that actions speak quite loud
And words so soft they pass you by
And now that you have left me here
I would wait to die.

But life itself is not so cheap
And though the valley be this deep
Still will I lift my hands up high
And shout His praises to the sky.

May the Lord who made us both
Speak to the pain so wrought in you
And heal your every wound sweet child
And cover you with the morning dew.

I love you and it breaks my heart
I wish you would not go
You throw me down- it's no small thing
Yet who am I to know?



I

I am light as air
And with this easy yoke
I see the stormclouds as just clouds
With no malcontented guise

I lift my hands unto the sky
And from the hills my help pours down
With all the rolling of the sea
And in this day my hope draws near.

I see the way and it is clear
I see the moment all alone
Free from all the burdens now
Today the sun breaks free.

I have a nature

Describing man as having a nature seems a convenient thing. Why wouldn't there be something driving our behavior? Trying to imagine not having something internal driving our every decision seems almost unthinkable. I ask the question, "what is man's nature? Is it good or evil?" because I believe that I myself have internal driving forces that inform and make possible my decisions and behavior. I would like you to think (for at least a moment) what you would be like if you did not have a nature. How would you account for the activities of your mind? How would you account for your desires? How would you account for your behavior? Now I know so many of us are afraid of mental gymnastics, but really, you should just give it a try.

The Second Definition

The 2001 edition of the Random House Webster's College Dictionary says nature is:

5. the particular combination of qualities belonging to a person, animal, thing, or class by birth, origin, or constitution; native or inherent character. 6. character, kind, or sort: two books of the same nature. 7. characteristic disposition; temperament: an evil nature. 8. the natural, primitive condition of humankind. 9. biological functions or urges. 10. the laws and principles that guide the universe or an individual.

I find the frequent use of the term "character" very interesting. Let me know what you think.

On Nature

When I think of my nature I tend to think of moral desires and proclivities. I do not often think beyond this. I have not long thought on such things as being made in the image of God or what Francis Schaeffer calls the "mannishness of man". I think that in the realm of desires we feel the need of our nature. Is that the only realm, though?

First Definition

Noah Webster defined nature this way:

3. The essence, essential qualities or attributes of a thing, which constitute it what it is; as the nature of the soul; the nature of blood; the nature of a fluid; the nature of plants, or of a metal; the nature of a circle or an angle. When we speak of the nature of man, we understand the peculiar constitution of his body or mind or the qualities of the species which distinguish him from other animals. When we speak of the nature of a man, or as an individual of the race, we mean his particular qualities or constitution; either the peculiar temperament of his body, or the affections of his mind, his natural appetites, passions, disposition or temper. So of irrational animals. (Noah Webster." American Dictionary of the English Language." Foundation for American Christian Education: San Francisco, 1996.)

I would love to hear what people think about this one.

The Nature of Man question begins with...

What is it mean to have a certain nature? It seems have a lot of possible slants and it seems terribly grey. Now I realize that this is most likely a result of my ignorance and not something else. While Mencius says that human nature is good and the doctrine of the Christian Church is clear that man's nature is evil, I am forced to ask, "what is nature?"

The Nature of Man

The Chinese philosopher Mencius believed that man's nature was ultimately good. He believed that when a man sinned it was not the fault of his nature, but rather it was something else. Here is a quote from, "The Book of Mencius" where he applies this but also makes an interesting critique on men in doing so.

"Mencius said, 'Humanity is man's mind and righteousness is man's path. Pity the man who abandons the path and does not follow it, and who has lost his heart and does not know how to recover it. When people's dogs and fowls are lost, they go look for them, and yet, when they have lost their hearts, they do not go to look for them. The way of learning is none other than finding the lost mind." (Mencius, from: "A Source Book In Chinese Philosophy. Translated and Compiled by Wing-Tsit Chan. Princeton University Press: Princeton, 1973)

While I cannot agree with his view on the nature of man- I do find it interesting that he thinks that a lack of self-examination is absurd. I couldn't agree more. I know that my own priorities may have a way to go- but I just do not understand how people can not look into so many important things. Let me know what you think.

The Presence of the Lord

What do you think of when you see the sunrise? Do you see new possibilities? Do you see new chances? Do you see hope? I know that everymorning when the sun rises the Lord is present with me. I know that every noonday when the sun is high overhead (I have a good memory) baking the life out of everything on the ground- I know the Lord is present with me there too. I know that when the sun slips low below the horizon and sets the clouds on fire- then also is the Lord with me. I know in the dark watches of the long cold nights that brook no talk of happiness- I know that then, too, the Lord is with me. I know He is present in the lifting and present in the laying low. I know that He is present in the joining and present in the sundering. I know that He is present when I wake and present when I lie down to sleep at night. I know that God who is my Lord is ever-present with me. Do you remember He is there when you hurt? Do you remember He is there when you rejoice? Do you remember that He is there when you sin against Him? You cannot escape the creator. He is always here; He is always present.

Abort73

If you think that abortion is a choice, you should visit this site. If you think that abortion is wrong, you should also visit this site. If you are about to eat lunch and you think it is wrong, perhaps you should not visit this site (until after lunch). Avoid defending things that you have not seen.

The Divine Art of Meditation

On This page you can download and listen or read four sermons by Dr. Peter Toon on meditation given at St Thomas' Episcopal Church in Houston, TX. I feel that the art of meditation has been lost on me and much of the American church. I think you will find these four sermons quite enlightening. Unfortunately, I fear that meditation is not the only thing that has been lost by the Church at large in America. This should be another reminder of why history matters, and as Dr. John Piper has said, "the study of biography is mandated in scripture." Let us not forget what has gone before.

The Morning He Heard The Voice of God

Here is a brief piece on the Word of God and Extra Biblical revelation by John Piper that I thought you would all like to hear. Just click on the title of this post.

My Father's Son

I am my father's son
And every day I wake to find him gone
And every time I think of him it hurts
Just like it did at first.

I am my father's son
And he will never see me grow
And he can never tell me what to do
And everyday he's gone.

I am my father's son
And though I wish that he were here
And though I wish that he would know
It was said to be.

I am my father's son
I wish that I could know him now
I wish that he could read my words
For everyday forevermore I am my father's son.

Remembering Francis Schaeffer.

An article for you to read courtesy of Christianity Today (via CT Direct).

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/april/13.40.html

Is Autonomy a Lie? Is Relation eternal?

I have been told something for most of my life that I have never actually meditated or thought much upon. I have been told that love exists and always has existed in the Trinity. So the Father loves the Son who loves the Father who loves the Holy Spirit who loves the Father, etc... More recently I heard submission alluded to in the Trinity. The gospel of John attests to this last one in great detail and with frequent repetition. Jesus is forever doing the will of the father and not doing his own will. What has hit me hard, however, is the recent assertion by an Anglican priest named Dr. Peter Toon, that the individual as a noun does not exist. He said that Jesus most certainly was not an autonomous individual and that we as members of the Body of Christ- as members of the Church- were always just that. He said we are always our Father's sons. He said we were always our Lord's servants. He said we were always our brother's brothers. His assertion was that although there are individual persons, that those persons always exist in relation to someone and often in relation to some thing (as in a body or polotic). I, as an American, have believed my whole life that I was not these things. I have always believed that I was alone and independant. This has often in dark times underscored my belief that I was alone. I have not felt connected to family or other people most all my life. Dr. Toon's assertions on the nature of man as man in relation strikes a sharp blow that cuts deep into my American soul. I do not know how to respond, but I know that I have no good response from the Bible to contradict him. May the Lord grant mercy to us His servants and upon that clarity and discernment and trust in His word.

The Lion Inside

Shield me oh Lord from the wicked that surround me
And from my enemies within protect me oh my God
The truth of your Word lies heavy in the vault
The lion paces in the cage
Unleash my defender oh Lord and let him fight.

Forgive me oh Lord for I have sinned
Have mercy upon me in my hour of distress
My sins consume me
Let loose the Lion inside
Fight for me my Lord.

I am tired from the hiding
And all the running has made me weak
Let me stand in thy holy presence
Gird my loins with righteousness.
Make a path for me to walk upon oh Lord
Go before and clear the way.

Make me to stand in thy Word
Cause me to see what the world has hidden
Raise my broken body up
And fill me with thy strength.

To you, oh Lord, who saved my soul
To you I give my blessing
Let the praise from my lips flow from within
From the heart that you have made.

On Terrorism

There is less than a week left before the movie "300" comes out in theatres. Mostly shot with blue screen, there is a whole lot of to do about the fantastic look of the film. The story is one we all learned in highschool and has a strong emotional kick to it. Whenever the few take on the many and are willing to fight to the death... it can have a teary heart-rousing impact on all of us.

That impact is less strong, however, if the few are believed to be terrorists. They too are few and take on the many. What do you think?

Understanding What?

You know, I wonder sometimes about just what it is that makes me the way I am- and anyone who knows me has no idea what I am talking about- so if you don't know me, don't worry, you are not missing anything. What I want to know is, if I understand how I came to be, can I change anything? If knowing changes things, then there is real motivation to look into the past. If knowing is some sort of trivia, that just informs you on what to avoid if you ever reproduce, well then, I just don't have the same motivation.

I am tempted to make comparisons between myself and the middle east. Let's say we knew conclusively why the middle east is the hot bed of overflowing joy that it currently is. What would that mean for fixing anything? Is this a problem of too many factors to digest and put in their place? Or is it a problem of principle- are fixing it and knowing how it got that way two unrelated things? Or is it a poor analogy?

On Faith

I see before me the eyes of death
And my teachers bid me stare it down
But I just want to look away
I don't want to see.

I see before me the death of self
And my father's bid me learn it well
But I am afraid to make a choice
I just want to run away.

I see before me the path of pain
And my mothers bid me use it well
But I just want the pain to stop
And I just want to flee and hide.

I see before me a step to life
But I do not see the path
I only see the next foot forward
The rest remains unknown.

Holidays of Joy

Thank you americancatholic.org

"The roots of St. Valentine's Day lie in the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia, which was celebrated on Feb. 15. For 800 years the Romans had dedicated this day to the god Lupercus. On Lupercalia, a young man would draw the name of a young woman in a lottery and would then keep the woman as a sexual companion for the year.

Pope Gelasius I was, understandably, less than thrilled with this custom. So he changed the lottery to have both young men and women draw the names of saints whom they would then emulate for the year (a change that no doubt disappointed a few young men). Instead of Lupercus, the patron of the feast became Valentine. For Roman men, the day continued to be an occasion to seek the affections of women, and it became a tradition to give out handwritten messages of admiration that included Valentine's name."

Is This a Letter?

I am often reminded of the great gulf between us, you and I. We stare across it at each other. But it is a large gulf. Who would try to jump across it? It is too great. Where is there a bridge, someone always asks? Where can we connect? But when you look down, all you see is inky blackness- who knows how deep it is. And no bridge in sight. So we walk along the edges you and I, and sometimes we call to each other. I, myself, would just like to fall in and find the bottom. But there is the matter of the fence. This is all well and good to say out loud- but the real question is- who is writing? And who are they writing to?

When I die inside of it
With the red roses dripping from the rafters
And the sweet sun burning in through the skin of it
I will lift my hands and look to the hills.

When I rise from this body of death and decay
And stand once again on two legs
Up from the blood and gore that cover my corpse
I will lift up my hands.

When the chains that bind me are loosed
And the weight that sits so heavy on me
Is taken up
I will lift my voice.

I am in the mud
I am fallen low
I am underneath the weight of sin and death
But I will rise- and this not on my own.

You all laugh at me
And some look on with pity
But I am nothing here and you are fools
And I will not laugh at your defeat.

This then I wait for:
The end of days
The end of me
And the return of the King.

Where in Hell

Funny how things go sometimes. It seems like just the other day I was on a search for something- and in the thick of it. What seems like yesterday has turned into years- and I still haven't found what I'm looking for (sorry Bono, I couldn't think of a different way to say it). When you are intentionally involved, the passage of time seems justified (whether fast or slow). When you are not consciously involved, however, it is as if you periodically wake up, look around and ask yourself- "where the heck am I?" When I was first in college, the possibilities for life seemed endless- now, I don't even want most things. I am not interested in very many possibilities any more...

Funny how things go sometimes. It seems like I just cannot seem to stay awake (metaphorically speaking). It is like I keep waking up in a different spot and find that more of my life has been lived- and apparently it was lived by me... what to do, what to do... hmmm...

I remember when Colonel Potter said, "if you ain't where you are, you ain't nowhere," on M.A.S.H. I just cannot seem to be where I am for very long. I always seem to be somewhere else.

The Isolation of Self

Why is it that people who need others and already know they need others walk alone? Why is it that people suffer when they do not need to? Why is it that members of a body would isolate themselves from the body as a whole? Why carry burdens yourself that will break you and that others would be happy to share?

A Psalm, part I

As you grind me into dust with the length of days
And batter me hard and long
Remember your promise
And do not forsake me
I have no strength left
My glory is turned to shame and I have fallen
I do not see anything in this darkness
No light
No sound
No hopeful children's laughter
No games and no pretty girls
My tongue no longer tastes
My eyes no longer see
My hands feel only the cold.

Long ago you heard me call
Long ago you answered
Long ago you saved me
I am sorry that it has come to this
I am sorry that I am so stiff-necked and rebellious
I am sorry that you have to beat me like this
I don't know how to see it- even though you told me.

Let the lost light filter down
Let the lost soul bend the knee
Let him bow before the starry crown
And let the blind man once again see.

Discontent

Now I can see the truth of my heart
It is not content
It is restless everynight
And cannot find peace
The answers are not within
And neither is the will to right-
Or so it seems.
I repeat and find new sins
And jump of cliffs that are too high
Because I do not trust my God
I always want more
I always seek for more
I am not content
I am a young fool
And all the destruction that I have wrought
Has been from my discontent
All the damage that I have done
Has been from my lack of trust
I am not at peace because I am not obedient
I am not obedient because I am afraid and hurting
I am afraid and hurting because I do not trust
I am willfull and stiff-necked
Rock-bottom awaits my redemption
Now and in the hour of my death.

To Mike

You ran fast. You smiled quick. When you were killed by small arms fire in Iraq we all lost something. I will miss you. I may never run as fast as you did in life- but I will not forget you. Goodbye Mike, the world is not the same without you.

The Lord Who Calls Us Home

When all hope was lost
And had swiftly fled the night
And I was so alone
And unable to fight-

That is when you came
He sent you from the past
A friend indeed in my time of need
With all the things that last.

I had forgotten just what we were
And could not hope to find
The answers that we already had
And I had lost in time.

But just the thought of you right now
reminds me from where I've come
And all the hopes that we once had
That God has put to shame.

I have been so far afield
And lost and on my own
But I think I remember now
The Lord who calls us home.

Here We Go Again

Another year has passed campers. I for one may know more than I ever have before- but I certainly don't feel good about it. I just see better now what a truly long road it is likely to be. I remember my 11th birthday party. It was awsome. I mean I was shy and wasn't that good at being sociable- but it seemed normal. And I definitely thought normal was synonymous with good at the time. There were lot's of people- and even kids from my own class. I remember that my nana made my favourite cake. My mom made beef stew. Justin from school gave me a goldfish whom I promptly named void (and that died about three days later- I wrote a poem for him, I think... can't find it though). I thought the goldfish was cool- and I thought that getting a gift from a classmate ("dare I think him a friend?" I thought) was cool. Jennifer came too and got me something- and Jen and Justin's parents were there and they went off and "played" with my parents while we played amongst ourselves. There were presents and food and I think there might have been family, too- but probably not too many of them. All in all my elleventh birthday was ok- actually it was pretty good. I felt like I was normal for a bit, felt like I belonged for just a few hours. Good hours they were. I miss them. Another year and all that has come before has led me here. May God have mercy upon me and cause the light of His countenance to shine upon me. May He give me awareness of my birth in Christ that I have not known. May He show me how I am to live more this year than the last. May I, in my weakness- whether in despair or in triumph, whether in victory or defeat- give praise to His name and remember Him always. May He continue to withold that which I desire more than life until such time as is right. Blessed be the name of the Lord, without whom, knowledge falls apart. Another year.

How Can I...?

Find me oh Lord, for I am lost
The screams are ripped from my throat
As I fall through the darkness
The inky black surrounds me
And I only feel the rush of the wind upon my face
As I fall.

Find me, oh Lord, for I am yours
How can I worship you When my heart is so cold?
How can I hear you when the clubs of my enemies beat me round my ears?
Pick me up, oh God-
You who made the earth and all the heavens 'round,
Pick me up.

Find me, Oh Lord, for you are my rock
And all else is vanity
I am surrounded by the lies I have believed
They rot my heart out from within
I fall by them
They threaten to consume me
Save me from the war within myself.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge
You have spoken, my Lord
Fools despise instruction
You have spoken, my Lord
You have conquered death-
So let me die only once,
And this every day.

A Prayer To My God

After you destroy me
After I die
Please revive me
And make me to fly.

After you break my bones
and drown me in the sea
please lift me up
And give life to me.

After my body is stretched upon the rack
And all my bones are ground to dust
Please make me live
And cause me to trust.

After you beat me
And I am at my end
Please wake me from this nightmare
And cause me to dream again.

After the hordes surround me
And I am crushed to the earth
Please visit your breath upon me
And tell me of my birth.

I despair, no victory
And hope has fled my sight
Slay me Lord I am your slave
In hope, or in this night.

I cannot create in myself what I need
It does not exist within
Truth is not from within
I cannot save myself- especially not from myself
All toil and song
has lead me this long
and now the darkness I do see
and see that it is inside of me
The world seems lost and fading fast
And on its way strait down to hell
and dragging children down with it
as they clap and sing.

Here inside I feel the weight
The loss is heavy on my brow
The hope seems far
How long oh Lord?
I will toil
And I will trouble
And for my labours
My pain will double.

You who seek a way to light
Are better off than you think
It is those who do not see the dark
That stand upon the very brink.

You who seek a way to truth
Are better off than you know
And in despair your voice may rise
To heights in health you'd never throw.

Heavy sits the cold hard truth
On the backs of average men
And when the stones cry out to God
The time is lost and past again.

On the Allure of Being Understood

Have you ever wanted to be understood? Have you ever felt like you were not? Does the desire for being understood really also contain a desire to be accepted? It is possible to be accepted without being understood. It is possible to be loved without being understood. It is possible to have loyal friends and lovers who do not understand you. It is possible to be cared for by those who do not understand you. Why, then, is being understood so alluring? Why is the idea of it so intoxicating? It seems as if you could live your whole life without it, but it seems like most of us do not want to live our whole life without it. Why is that?

We also have to ask ourselves what we mean by "understood". Do we wish to be accurately profiled? Do we wish to be predictable to someone? Do we want someone to be able to finish our sentances? It seems like these things are not what we mean by "understood"- or at least they are not the full description of what we desire. It seems, actually, as if a person could spend enough time with us to be able to predict what we are going to do and finish our sentances, and the like- but still not really understand us.

So what is the allure of being understood? What do we really want?

On Other gods

I have seen them running in the dust
And in the dust they have died
And all they praised in ease
Was no comfort in hardship.

There was a time of light
A time far away from the night
And there was a time of hope
And now this time is a distant thing.

The cloud that trails their fleeing steps
Obscures the ground soaked with the sweat of their fear
And all their boasting has come to naught
This I tell you will come to pass.

On Veterans

Today and tomorrow we should consider our veterans. Does America have the right or obligation to police the world? That does not matter for this particular day. We can talk about that on sunday. Today and tomorrow, we as Americans should honour the dead and honour the living- those who have served. Many have paid the price that keeps them from any dialogue in the service of this country. Many have suffered. Many have fallen. My brothers, my sisters, I salute you. We are not worthy of your sacrifice- yet you have given it. Many have betrayed what you have done- yet you have died for us. Many have no understanding of service at all- yet you have given your lives for us. Those who are dead, those who are living- we salute you. May God have mercy upon you and show you the light of His salvation.

To Doug, who I will never climb with again

I am sorry that you had to leave. I am sorry that you were taken from us. I will never forget watching you deck in your mom's harness. I will never forget. I cannot buy you a beer when you get home now. I cannot tell you about the glory of God, now. I will never get to belay you again. I will never get to see you climb again. I will never get to see you fall again. I will never get to see you get back up again. I cried when I listened to the voice-mail from Liza. I cried a lot more when I was by the ocean in Boston. The waves kept crashing on the shore as the tide came in in the dark night. I wanted to be mad at God. But He was not the one. I wanted to be mad at someone- but looking for some scapegoat seemed so hollow. "Why did you have to go?" I asked myself. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away- may the name of the Lord be praised. I miss you Doug. I miss you. Goodbye Doug.

Coloured Blue

I have seen them in the wake and never have I rode it through
And as I fall beneath the waves
I see the world completely blue
And coloured by this failure make
The rest of life a living hell
As I drown beneath the waves
I give up the light that filters down.

Pressing On...

When a goal is in view- waste may be cut and the fall may be taken. Great hardships may be endured if the goal is in mind. When there is a goal. When there is a goal. Without a goal, the easy seems hard. The hard seems impossible. And nothing really seems to matter, anyways. There is a goal in life. There is a goal in your life. There are many stages and levels of goals that make goals possible. Pressing on... towards what? You may ask yourself what you work for. You may ignore the question for a long time. But really, you need to know. You burn with the desire for it. You want a goal, you need a goal. If you don't find one already in play you may just make one up for yourself. What is a goal? What is your goal? What is my goal? Pressing on...

On The Edge of The World I Found It- On The Diving Board I Felt It.

I have journeyed to the edge of the world
And up above the diving board
And there I found peace-
But it was not there at the edge of the world
It was not there on the diving board
That is merely where it came to me
That is merely the place I was when He made it known.
And oh how I have wandered far from that place
But it was not the place
So peace may return - even here.
Peace may return amidst the din and press about me
Peace may indeed return-
For no longer is it found in any place.

In This Dark Cell

I know not what the angel speaks
Or where must be this place of love
But somewhere hidden deep below,
A light shines through above.

I whisper softly for the light
And hear the faintest call respond
But I am hard upon the stone
This prison will not have me long.

For I will die upon the floor
Deep within this well of fear
And with the aching of my heart
Will call to one who is so dear.

Psalm 124

"'If it had not been the Lord who was on our side,'
Let Israel now say-
'If it had not been the Lord who was on our side,
When men rose up against us,
Then they would have
swallowed us alive,
When their wrath was kindled against us;
Then the waters would have overwhelmed us,
The stream would have gone over our soul;
Then the swollen waters would have gone over our soul.'

Blessed be the Lord,
Who has not given us as prey to their teeth.
Our soul has escaped as a bird from the snare of the fowlers;
The snare is broken,
and we have escaped.
Our help is in the name of the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth."

(Psalm 124, NKJV)

The Death of Something

The great ones of this age
And their parroting disciples
Have told me I have no foundation.

They have told me that my light is a lie
They have told me I am lost without their truth.
They have told me I should doubt everything.

I have lost my grip on what was solid
I am carried by the great waves
The great waves in the stormy sea.

They have thrown me to my death
And I have jumped with them
And they claim knowledge as we all drown.

In a dark night on a wet sea
The waves are too big to swim against
Except for the monsters that move in the dark waters around and beneath us.

Who has drowned in hope?
Who has died in vain?
Where is the innocent punished?

This life is mean
This world is sick
And it sees only lies.

On Metaphor

You know, I've always thought that climbing was a great metaphor for life. But I've recently come to accept that there is an important difference between the two that fuzzies the analogy. That difference (of course) is that climbing is a lot simpler than life. Oh, and it's easier- definately easier. While I may appreciate that the simpler side of climbing makes for easy illustrations that are cut and dry- I still find myself not quite able to make decisions in life as easily as I can in climbing. Do I go on? Do I turn around? Do I wait? These are all questions that make great life metaphors and they are questions I have to ask every time I go into the mountains. The thing is, while it seems easy to say that life is like this or that aspect of climbing- it seems difficult to say that climbing is like this or that aspect of life. Well maybe the thing that makes it an easy metaphor is the thing that bothers me the most. Metaphors are always limited. Life never seems to be.

On Surprise

I have often wondered why it is that I am surprised when the Bible is proved right by my experience. I really should just nod like my Jewish friends from Brooklyn as if I expected it- but sometimes I don't.

The Problem at the First

Have you ever wanted to give up when you know that you did not have to? Have you ever given up when you know you did not have to? It seems an interesting phenomenon, giving up, calling it quits, whatever you want to call it. I think that a person often knows when they were defeated and when they gave up and defeated themselves- both involve failure, but both have very different feelings. One feels like a war with something outside of yourself and one feels like a war with self. But why would you war against yourself?

What Do You Want?

While waiting I have lost the trail
And in the mists I that cut through time
I feel the latent power growing
Spilling out and taking mine.

The seas cut rough upon the bow
And Light the caps do dance on shore
We sail the world to find something
But always wanting something more.

Let light cut through the darkness thick
And find the hidden treasure there
For when we search among the seas
We risk the pains we fear to bare.

Who Cries To Save This Place?

I am homeless
I am bereft
I hear choirs of angels
And that is all that keeps me standing.

I despair of this world
I have failed in it.
It has beaten me badly,
But I hear choirs of angels.

I have grown to hate this place
Bereft of justice
Bereft of mercy
And this place is not my home.

What would I cry for?
Why would I scream for rain?
Here in this barren desert...
When I could scream to be taken from here.

I hear singing now here in this dark valley
I can feel the vibrations
And harmonies
And I hear the beat of angel's wings.

And so I will lift up my eyes.
And so I will not cry to the heavens.
I will rather sing and play
That my prayers may fill the golden bowls in heaven.

On Love and English

Be still my heart which beats this slow
For I would speak to you of love
And listen please amidst the din
And fix your eyes above.

I hear the voice of Him who calls
And what He says I would relate
Be still my heart which beats so slow
And see the glow of heaven's gate.

You have a choice and it is yours
But you are not your own
And in this time when kings of men
make violence for their throne-

You will be tested sore and true
And must rely not on yourself
To love another you must decide
And this must be within yourself.

You need that love that you must give
And they shall know you true
When of yourself you give it free-
I wish so much to do.

The feelings follow the acts of right
And follow your acts of wrong
And whether or not you see the fight
This day will be quite long.

To be in love is quite a thing
To give of love is so much more
And when the first is long gone by
The second holds much in store.

On Loving Someone

So it is telling the words people use when they are unhappy in a relationship. It is a travesty how many people pass each other by and give up all because they do not understand and communicate to each other appropriately and effectively. When you say that different people experience feeling loved in different ways it does not sound too weird- it makes sense to most people. If they think about it, they may even come to feel that it is an obvious truth. Yet so many have not thought through what this means in their own relationships. I know I did not consider this much at all. I know that I usually did for my girlfriends what I wanted them to do for me. I suppose it is not completely irresponsible if I did not know what made a particular girlfriend feel loved to act as a default this way- but for some reason it never occured to me to ask. That was stupid of me.
I mean, I know that I cannot change the past (oh, how I know it), but wow, how many times did I come so close to applying this idea to a relationship and not do it. If you know that your girlfriend wants to sit on the couch and have you look her in the eye and talk to her about whatever it is that she wants you to talk with her about- why would you not just do it- I mean you like the girl presumably? It does not matter if it is easy for you to sit and talk or touch or give her things, or cook for her (you could even be an awful cook), or tell her she is wonderful- if you know she wants that, if you know that that makes her feel loved- why wouldn't you do any one or more of those things? I mean, as a guy, if I knew that I had to change the starter on a car and what I really wanted to do was change the starter on my car- I wouldn't go buy a metric tool set to do the job if the car was filled with english sized hardware. I don't care if one is more expensive than the other, or if one is only available two towns over- if I want to change the starter on my car and I do not have the right tools, I'm not going to use the wrong ones just because it's easier or it comes more naturally for me. I am going to use the right ones. In the same way, how many times have I told a girl she was pretty who just wanted me to sit and talk with her. And also how many times has a girl said nice things about me over and over again when all she really needed to do was give me a back rub and cook me dinner and I would have been her manslave forever- even if she told me I was an idiot everyday.
When people feel loved, they can do a whole lot of things they can't when they don't feel loved. When people feel loved they can put up and get through all sorts of hardships that would wreck them if they did not feel loved. I say thank God for love. Thank Gary Chapman for his book. And also thank you Doctor, for the reccomendation.

Colours

Who has known this time before?
That speaks to saints and men
And who has laughed amidst their fear?
Knowing they would win.

I have gone so deep inside
And comforted the beast
But when he roars I still shake
And run to fetch the priest.

Where I go to see the wound
The lights have never been
And in the dark and secret cave
It reeks of pain and sin.

The carnage there will dull the mind
And fill it full with fear
And no one goes so deep inside
Without the Christ so dear.

For in the cave the beast does wait
Waiting to be free
And when he's loosed upon the world
What will become of me?

On The Kimberlys

I talked (or should I say laughed) with an Australian woman today who was up in Alaska doing research on a duck that looks like a clown (at least the males do). She said she was going to do more research back in Australia. I would like to personally thank her for laughing at all my jokes. I hope I wasn't too much and that we didn't dwell too long in the gutter. I would also like to thank the Lord for the respite (brief though it may be). I appreciate it. Thank you both.

Though long the day and dark the night
And though I feel I've lost
When 'ere the last hour comes around
Someone takes the cost.

And when I think my strength will fail
And I cannot go on
You, my Lord, are strong to me
And sing to me my song.

I search the world and scour the seas
And find not one true boon
But when I fall upon my knees
You sing to me the moon.

On Messages

Who wants to live forever? Those who are happy. Who wants to die? Those who think it will ease their pain. Who wants to feel alive? Those too close to death feel the light of the sun- Even as it beats hard upon them at noon. Their is a great tension between life and death and line between hope and despair is sometimes very thin. Sometimes we say what we mean. Sometimes we say what we want. Sometimes we keep both to ourselves. Sometimes we don't when we should. I will live forever. This is but a blink.

In Christ Alone I Stand Or Fall

In Christ alone I stand or fall
Though misery assaults me long
In Christ alone I stand or fall
And lift my voice to sing His song.

In Christ alone I live or die
And I would die this day
In Christ alone I reach the sky
As I strive and fail and pray.

In Christ alone my heart beats true
Steady as she goes
The rythm is the body does
And only Jesus knows.

In Christ alone I stand or fall
Though weary I press on
And though my flesh is breaking down
He carries my spirit on.

The Past

They pass me every day I wake
Here and there the ghosts I see
And though I sometimes wish they'd leave
Our meetings always seem to be.

They haunt me when I want to smile
And whisper when I try to rest
And though I really whish they'd stop
Sometimes it seems it's for the best.

The wraiths I see are burned inside
And I can't make them go
And though they hurt and though they scare
It's seeds of life they sow.

Remembering

This poem has no title. I wrote it when I was twelve or thirteen years old.

The moon shone bright in full glory on midsummer night's eve
Stars lit up the sky, far too numerous to believe
And I wore a painful smile
My heart was torn in two
The soldiers marched mile after mile
Leaving a dust cloud and a marred image of you
I heard your voice call my name
And turned only to glimpse a fleeting dove
I fell to my knees
Tears streamed down my face
Now I am wet, cold, and alone.

On Climbing

I was out climbing with Ben and Terry and I noticed that the undescribable things are the things I was drawn to. How do you tell someone who is not a climber what a perfect day climbing is like? More important still, how do you communicate things that you have trouble describing to yourself to those you love and care about?

There are reasons for everything. There are those who doubt causality with their lips- but I have yet to meet a man who doubts it with his heart. Yet we have limited knowledge and we still must make many decisions every day for we are free (a topic for another time, perhaps). Our decisions effect those around us even when it is not as obvious. Yet what do we base those decisions upon?

How many times have you done something and thought to yourself, "why did I just do that? I did not want to do that but I did it anyways." or "I really should have done that, and I really wanted to, but I did not- what was I thinking? Was I?" The apostle Paul speaks of this in his letter to the church of Rome and I wonder how it is we so easily "justify" things sometimes.

A Brief Time

This too will pass
This body of mine
While you are gone
I may not be fine
But when you return
It will be made well
And here while I wait
I can tell-
This is harder than it seems
This is not so complicated
I have seen it in my dreams
I have seen it is berated
As we suffer here on earth
Please forgive my spirit's dearth
Though it starves a little while
Yet in glory will it feed the mile.

This day I Would Not See

The Lord protect me and keep me through these times. I think I would not choose this day. Yet this may be the most important day I have ever lived on this earth. Let the heavens rain down their mercy upon me. Let the strength of my creator fill me. I would not ask to live this day. I would not seek for it as I have for other things. I have loved you Lord for many years and you have surely loved me more. I would not search for this day unless I sought it to navigate around it. You are holy on your throne, oh Lord. Let me be silent before you- but not yet, there is still a lot of wailing to do. Let me look forward to the day of redemption- but know that you have made this day from eternity. I salute you my captain. Here and now I look to you. My heart is sick and I feel as though death waits for me close by. You are my strength when I am weak. I am weak, Lord. I am weak.

Today and the Judgement, Baby

So Here I am, thinking on the words of one of my fathers. Two days. Let it be. Come Lord.

Here Lies the Body

Here lies the body of one man down
Waiting for its redemption crown
Rotting while it goes to work
Spirit troubled with duties shirked
As the people pass it by
The children scream and wonder why-
A body comes to rest by and by-
Just why is it a body has to die?
Was it living was it dead
Was it ever more than just a head?
What will happen later on
What will happen when it is gone?
Here lies the body, its soul not at rest
Waiting for the coming, to rise up with the rest.

Alien

Deep in the bosom of eternal light
Far from the darkness flowing here
Lies the mansion of delight
And rooms prepared by one so dear.

High in the heavens is my home
Far from the wreckage rotting here
A kingdom with a King upon its throne
And creatures bowing low in fear.

Low in the valley here I wait
Far from Land and Home
Marching with a heavy weight
Under starry dome.

Remember

It's been so long since I've run free
A slave in birth, a slave I die
It's been so long since I've been free
And I do not remember why.

It's been so long since I've seen sky
Trapped beneath my flesh I lie
It's been so long since I've seen sky
And I do not know just how to fly.

It's been so long since I've stood up
And now my load is piled high
It's been so long since I've stood strait
And now it burdens me to die.

It's been so long since I've been whole
The pieces seem all of me
It's been so long since I've been whole
I feel broken from eternity.

It's been so long since I've been strong
I forget just how to call
It's been so long since I've been strong
I don't remember it at all.

Rouse Him- He is needed now and in the hour of my death

Who has heard it in the night?
Who has heard the shots?
We die while they debate,
And we die while we wait.

But we have hope
And we hold fast
And when we fall
We'll be home at last.

I dream a dream
While the world tears apart
I dream a dream
With the pieces of my heart
I dream a dream
And faith holds me sure
I dream a dream
For His blood has made me pure.

Those we wait on as we sink
And those we hope for in the fight
May they know better than ourselves
As we drown waiting for their light
May we not spurn them in their fear
For we ourselves have been afraid
May we not spurn them in our fear
For God, our hope through Christ has made.

Teach me now and in the hour of my death
Awake my spirit deep inside
Fill me with your holy breath
And let the lion come outside

The beast is noble
The beast is hurt
The beast is raging
In the dirt

In this prison He has lain
And paced about with aching fear
And now the time for him to gain
The freedom that we hold so dear.

I sit and wait for you are worth it
And though I may not ever win
I feel the beast begin to stir
The lion Christ has put within.

He Has Gone Before Me

Who has seen the early mists
As the dawn was want to come
And in that hour before the sun
The way is made before.

"I am but a worm I said"
But you were quick to scorn
And in your quiet voice you yelled,
"The way was made before".

With the passing of the dark
And with the dying of my death
I glimpse the shores where gold is paved
For the way is made before.

And here it is I find myself
And dare I hope to breathe clean air
And let the lion out the cage
For the way is made before

To Him Whose Light Shines in the Darkness

This is a simple song that I wrote with simple chords for the guitar. Sing at will.

G
Sweeter joy I've never known
C
Than in the pain and in the storm
G
Looking back it's all I see
C
The times when you were close to me.

Now I know they were not gay
But the peace I've found in harder days
Is better than the sweetest time
And I praise the Lord for He is mine.

Chorus
F Am
He is mine I am His
Em
I bow before His throne
F Am
He is mine I am His
C G
And I pray to Him alone.

Never in the darkest nights
Did I see a brighter light
Than the one that shone from Him
Christ my Lord who washed my sin

Even when all about was gray
I could feel my Lord would stay
At the turning of the hour
I have felt a holy power

He is mine I am His
I bow before His throne
He is mine I am His
And I pray to Him alone.

On The Law

Have you ever wondered why you think that God is arbitrary but just don't want to say it? I mean, do you not want to say it because you are scared you are right, or because you know you are wrong? Or is it something else?

He Is Being Taken

They take in their feed
They drink down their fill
And off to the tavern
They go for a swill.

Dancing and drinking
The night grows short
And those who stand shorter
Make for good sport.

So here in the badlands
Where dust and wind blow
Young souls are dying
They do as they're told.

On Family

I have to say that I have really been blessed by my family. There is something about coming from somewhere and belonging to something that family provides. This je ne sais quoi is an important bond that holds a person together. If a person is without this bond they will seek to find it in others. And it is right and good to make friends good enough that you consider them part of your family. Let me not forget the beauty and importance of family.

Drink Down the Night

They accuse you with their eyes
And hurl insults with their stares
As you pass them by in the streets
You can feel they do not care.

They would that you had died
And there is nothing you can do
Stuck and your hands are tied
Finished and you are through

You walk the night a stranger
All about is gay
You feel this night a stranger
And wait for other days

All about the party
All about they hide
They look at you a begger
Though their aching souls confide

Drink down the night
And swallow up the moon
Drink it down until first light
And take your hollow boon.

They hate you because the sickness
That is in their own hearts now
Is visible to everyone
Upon your weary brow.

End Trip

We ended our trip over spring break with no climbing, one injury, and several trips to and from fairbanks in what was origionally intended to be one long uninterupted trip. But at least we had the moonlight.

Making Camp

We didn't make it all the way to the hut the first day so we made a camp on the glacier about five miles from the road (ish). We set up the bibler and went to sleep as it was rapidly getting freezingly cold. We had a wonderfully romantic candle light dinner before bed.

Leaving the Car

We headed out on skis towards the Thayer Hut. We had to mess with bindings and skins a bit- but we are both relatively new to skis and mountaineering- so it was a good learning experience.

Arrival

We arrived at the Castner Creek Sunday afternoon (don't ask why it was so late- I just don't want to talk about it) and Frank Olive actually saw us leaving as he was heading back to town. The weather was gorgeous and there was just not a cloud in the sky.

Spring Break Continued

So after the trip to the bear in delta we continued on our way further south

The Bear

We made it down on sunday and paid our respects to the Bear.

Doubly Exposed

A couple of weeks ago Ben and I went to go climb a mountain.

We stopped at the IGA in Delta Junction on the way down to see the bear.

Sweet Chariot of the Lord

Swing low, sweet chariot
Oh Lord how I long to go home
Swing low, oh sweet chariot
Lord please carry me home
Do not put me down, do not take me out-
Oh Lord, please carry me home
Set my feet upon the rock, Oh Lord,
Oh Lord please carry me home
Pick me up out of the pit-
Oh Lord, please carry me home
Swing low, Lord, swing low
For that is where I am found
You are high, and I am low
Low upon the ground
Do not remove me, do not destroy me
Remember your covenant
Remember your Son
Do not withold your rebuke, Oh Lord
I am in your hands.
Swing low with your mighty chariot, my Lord
Come and carry me home
Do not deny me your instruction
Do not withold your love
Though you are fierce in anger
You will not break your covenant
For you are the Lord
And you have sworn by your own name.

Remove from me my shame oh Lord
Whether in comfort or in fire
Rip the scales from off my flesh
And embolden my desire.

As far as the east is from the west-
So make my sin from thee
As far as the east is from the west-
So make my sin from me.

Swing low, sweet chariot
Come and carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot
Oh Lord, show me the way back home.

Fo' Life

Yes, fo' Life

An Error In Estimation

So here I am. I am thinking of the great burdens that weigh upon me. I am certainly loaded down. And I have a sneaking suspicion that I am in error about something or some things. I know that I cannot deny the truths I read in scripture. I know that I do not know them all. Ignorance may account for some errors, then- but I do not think them all to be accounted for by a lack of stumbling upon a particular passage.
I think that there is a lot to digest and take in. I am a bit overwhelmed, perhaps- but the Lord will see me through. He will give me wisdom and discernment. Praise be the name of the Lord.

Where did I start? Where did I begin?

That day I knew something was wrong.
That day I knew it was over
That day I woke up with regret
That day my soul broke
It broke before the fall
It broke before the blow
It broke before the sin
Those would come
My soul saw this and it gave way and fell to pieces
Scattered about the earth.
I have never been the same since then- but it was not the first time...

It was wrong.
I knew it was.
No one ever told me
I just knew it deep down inside.
No one ever warned me
And now I was guilty
I knew a law had been broken
I knew I had been broken.
Life was now a sentance of death
To be carried out upon my rotting carcass
And it did not even make me feel better
- What I had done that is-
Only guilty, only ashamed.
I was born in sin- and it seemed so too would I die in it.
But that was not the first, either.

She came to me that day.
It was cool-
Maybe it was cold.
I remember the wind in my face
I remember the grass in front of the school sloping down the short hill
I remember the cloudy sky
I remember the faded brick of the building
I remember the leaves rustling fiercly
The colour of the asphalt
The sound of the cars-
Not many cars
For she came for me early
And I didn't have to walk
I always walked
We took a cab home
We never took a cab home
I always walked.
It was yellow
And even now I tell you through tears
I saw something in her eyes
She looked so guilty
She looked so hurt
She looked like she was overwhelmed and did not know what to do or say
But if she was overwhelmed...
What was I to do?
How could I have more strength than her?
Yet I must
I must
I had to
I had to be strong
Aparently this was how life was to be
She told me quickly and we got in the back seat of the cab
The seat was vinyl
She apologized
I did not understand
Did God apologize?
Then why would she?
Why should she?
She told me quickly and I didn't know what it meant
She told me quickly and I didn't know why
So few cars on the street in the middle of the school day.
So few cars.

Why would he leave me?
Why was I not worth staying for?
Could he see the future?
Could he see what I would do, what I would become?
Is that why he left?
Is that why he was not around?
I must not be worth staying around for.
I must not be worth anything
I must be worthless
He must hate me
And despise me for what I truly am
I think somehow he really did know me for what I would become
I think somehow he knew
And so this must be what life is
Perhaps there is a rest when it is over
That sounds nice
That sounds really nice.

On Mornings

Here is the day that has come and we who have been moved do now so move as to affect that which was decreed long before the foundation of the world. May we give thanks for this blessing and give praise to the Lord.

Chemical Explanation

"We're about ready to...
Rock steady."
This is how it went
And down we go
And down we come
From up on high
But we were not on high
We were wrong
And we told everyone
What was wrong
And they believed us
Because they trusted us.
And maybe now
We're about ready
And maybe now
We can rock steady.

On Consistency and Its Death

What does the Lord require of me? Is this not the question? Why ask, how then shall I be saved? Should I not concern myself with what is required of me? Is there something required of me? Why should my salvation be the end all of life? Why should my verbal confession be the goal of any preacher or friend or missionary? Is life about me? No no no no no! Life is not about me. If I keep thinking that it is, then I will keep thinking about myself. If I keep the focus on myself- I will see all that is not right with myself.
Does anyone think that God is trying to trick them? Does anyone believe that the God of the Bible is reluctant to save people and upset that some make it? Is faith in God equal to excepting some propositions? Did Jesus or did Jesus not reduce the whole of the law to two statements? Is this the sort of thing that is hard to understand? Am I supposed to continually doubt myself and my faith and everything else? Two statements. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, strength, mind. And love your neighbor as yourself. This is the love of God. This is the Law of God. This is not some trick that requires a theologian to interpret for anyone. This is not works. The Gospel and the Law are not at odds. Salvation by grace through faith is not an idea new to the "New Testement". What is new is that the Gentiles are now brought in to God's covenant with Jacob. The whole world will be blessed through you, the Lord said. Abraham was not saved by works. Jacob was not saved by works. Moses was not saved by works. God has always and only saved men through grace and faith by Jesus Christ. There is unity in the Bible because there is unity in God.
Who has believed a lie? I have believed a lie. Who has made decisions based upon a lie? I have made decisions based upon a lie. Who needs God to guide and direct him for His name's sake? I do. May my Lord and savior Jesus Christ the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, who has adopted me as His own lead and guide me, His child, in the way that I should walk. Amen and amen.

God Bless the Wind

sorrow and weeping
but part of my fabric
and in this being
do I move and breathe

And in this slime
always fighting
against myself and time
never righting

But who would deny?
Who they were inside
And who would change?
Who they were inside

Here I break your legs
And here I spit in your face
Now get up
You've only twenty-six point two miles to go.

Run you bastard
All I want to hear is your broken bones crunch
Let the blood spit
And slick the path behind you

You are illegitimate
There is no sympathy
And if you have it for yourself
You are a coward.

And so when the alarm sounds
Early in the morning
I rise to be beaten
I rise in the hopes that today will be my last.

In the hopes that this burden will be lifted
That this great weight
This impossible load
I will no longer carry

I cannot put it down myself
I cannot move up with it on my back
I can only stare towards the summit
And feel the wind on my face.

On Friends

People wonder what I do up north in Alaska. I hang out with friends just like everyone of them.

On the Truth and Lies and Living

Gary Cox said the degree to which you believe the truth is directly related to the degree to which you are free (from bitterness, rage, slander, lust, pick a slave master). I am reasonably sure that most people want to be free in this way- even those who do not believe in God at all. Maybe especially those who do not believe in God- for if you wanted to be the master of your own destiny, you certainly wouldn't want to be enslaved to your passions or addictions or any such thing. But that aside, it is true that the lies we believe (about ourselves and about the world) certainly do have an impact on us. May God give us grace to consider these things.