To my melbourne reader

I have been thinking about your comment. A response is forthcoming. Oh, and don't forget to at least make up a name next time.

On Catharsis in brief

I am not going to finish posting all thirty-one poems from my project (and some of you may be relieved- I understand that the quality of some of them is not quite that good). I was finding it very helpful to post them (even the horribly bad ones), but I have recently been led to believe that it may have helped cause some confusion. People who do not write poetry (and now we are making no reference to whether or not your poetry is good or bad) are often surprised by what and when poets write- and they often fail to understand the major cathartic effect that writing (and even showing to others) has. As much as I hate to give up a means to making myself feel better (and I am so selfish sometimes), I will have to put that aside for awhile in the interest of others. I am not interested (in this particular case) in confusing or hurting anyone by writing. Why they would be reading my blog is a whole other question that there is no real need to go into.

I hope this precautionary measure is overkill and needless. I would like to think that nothing I wrote here would really be all that... well, let's just say I am happy stopping the postings knowing that I might not really need to stop the postings (just in case, as it were). So bid Memories of Holden Ln goodbye. I will probably not delete the ones already posted unless there is a direct request, but we'll see how my spirit goes. If anyone actually likes these and wants to read more- let me know and I will e-mail you some more of them. There is a whole world of pain from loss out there. Sometimes it helps to read what others expressed when they went through a loss themselves. Cheers.

(#10)

Sometimes I can't feel things
and I get funny looks from you
And you look hurt and confused
That I'm not just like you
And just because I can't express
And just because it hurts too bad
And just because it's far too soon
You do not understand.

I feel like it was my hurt
That drove you far away
And I can say it bothers me
That that seems fair to me.

But all the damage in the world
Is never quite enough to say
I was never able dear
To do what you thought you needed.

"Walk In The Park" (#9)

I remember blue skies
and bike rides through the hills
and freckles on your skin
and the smell of your shampoo
I remember how you laughed
And how you looked at night
And all the stupid things you said
That I miss so much
I remember just how tall
And how you fit beside
And the way you skipped across the room
Wearing out your favourite jeans
Which were so hard to find
And then there was the time you smiled
And the time you made me think
And the things I put aside
To try and take you seriously
I am just a little sad
And just a little crazy too
And everything that passed away
Well,
Some of it will be missed.

Climbing Ice In Alaska III - Dragonfly Falls

Climbing Ice In Alaska II - Day Trip To Healy

Ryan and I geared up at the top of the falls before we rapped down and proceeded to smoke ourselves doing laps.

Climbing Ice In Alaska I - The French Start

Starting the trip off right.. French start with bagel sandwiches.

And For This I have Come (#8)

And then there was hope
On a cold and bitter early morning
And all around were the enemies
But deep inside was the faith.

And every blessing that I trod underfoot
Screams to me now
And I cannot stuff my ears
And all that I did not make and do
All this failure is here now
Here in my face
And what did I know?
I sit in a silent pain
A pain that screams at me
A pain that digs deep in the dark places
But what is that now?

Who even reads this?
You don't, that's for sure
And so thirty-one seems so many
For I just want to be silent
Just want to forget
Just want to pretend it never happened at all.
The rain doesn't fall now
It is far too cold for that.

Warm the dark fires burn
And all the tears are building
I feel too much
And admit too little
Here the lessons come
Not in the comfortable place
Not in the quiet place-
Not in the peaceful place
Not in the happy place.
They come here.

#7

It is hard to recapture things
That move like mist and hide like dark
I glimpse you every now and then,
But never really see for sure.

I feel a stale and somber pall
The tension building slowly now
And in its great crecendo here
I'll be wiped away somehow.

I wish that I could cry tonight
Or scream in not so silent rage
But something holds me back from that
And keeps me stalled this night.

I feel stuck- I hope that you
Are doing something else
And feeling qute a different thing
And nowhere near this dead..

It never seems to let me go
As if it was an entity
And though I try to shake it off
It's you that I will never see.

You Did Not Remain (#6)

I saw you in the nights and in my fervent dreams
And tasted sweetly on the branch
And felt the wind of change embrace
But you did not remain.

And in the nature of the time
With clarity abandoned now
In keeping with this wretched theme
You did not remain.

Now it is nothing that you left
But everything to me
And though I dreamed of you so long
You still did not remain.

I look above and thank the one
Who made us both to be
And though it went not quite so well
Still, you did not remain with me.

With such and such a time gone on
And hearts no longer beating true
The beast set free perhaps too late
For you did not remain.

Be still and know that you were wrong
I tell myself tonight
And in the dark I hear a song
But you did not remain.

Fire and Skin (#5)

And all that tarnished silver there
I feel so close inside with you
But all the cheap and vulgar sin
Is just the thing to make it so.
And who the lie believes it true
With what your mother told you then
And when your father spoke it quiet
You were forever marked as such.

Make it round and make it fast
And come on over here to me
I couldn't ever make it last
but all that crazy fun,..

I am out here thinking back
The satin skin and golden locks
The gentle eyes always unsure
And all upon that round thing
I can barely keep it to myself
And memories come flooding back
But you are not the one to hear
And you take long to understand.

I think I had a crush on you
But then it bit me back
And when I tried to open up
That's when you attacked
And in you went the silence worked
And awkward's not the word
And oh the places that I went
And you set me all about.

Don't pretend you wanted less
Don't pretend at all
You wanted more and I was short
Or so it seemed to you.

I'll never be just quite the same
But that is prob'ly for the best
I wonder if it's really true...
Naah, it's probably for the best.

Expectations (#4)

I just feel so finite sometimes
So beyond my little self that
All I do and strive and try
Is just a dry fiction-
But I don't think it's that funny.
And all the things that I never wanted from you
You will never give to me
And all the things I think I need
I really never had at all
Which makes one wonder on the term-

need.

What just what do you think?
What did I really want from you?
And what was so repulsive,
That you just had to leave?

Maybe in the still cool light
Of those dawns when we still cared
And all our dreams were tangled there
Entwined together for awhile-
Maybe then i didn't ask
For enough to make you stay
And you thought my contentment
Was just a lack of real desire.

And now when people think to say,
"you should move yourself along,"
I know that that is crazy talk
For I cannot move myself along
And no one does and no one has
And all the lies we tell ourselves
Make us think we tell the truth
When we lie to each other.

I did not expect enough-
Perhaps that was the problem there
But deep inside I know the truth
That you just didn't love me.

So every explanation made
To ease my burdened heavy spirit
Is all a maddened sophist game
And I the only player here
Tell me now just what you think,
Tell me anything.

Let Your Journey's Hope Endure (#3)

I feel numb this particular day
I do not like to feel like this
And though I know that it is "safe"
Nothing ever really is.

You were on my mind today
And I'm not trying to forget
Just trying to move through it all
And remember both the good and bad.

I wonder when the feelings will
Start to fade from my heart
And I will not remember you
Much the same way at all.

I don't think I'll get there soon
But if you never pray for me
And hate me in your heart of hearts
Then I will be quite right.

But you don't want the smug pained look
And I don't want to feel this way
And no one wants a war right now
And everyone has made mistakes.

I don't know if I'm alright
I hate it when they ask me that
But I know that you were good
And I still have a hole.

One day maybe we will hug
And never look askance again
But I think that He'll have returned
And set up shop for good.

I could be wrong though if it's right
And so much changes as we walk
And in the journey peril-fraught
Enjoying things might lead to talk.

But all it takes is one lone soul
And nothing gaurding what we keep
And what we hope is rarely sure
And so with boldness must we leap.

I hope this writing finds you well
Or in the faith that keeps you sure
And whether things are good or bad
Let your journey's hope endure.

If Only We Could See It (#2)

You rocked me like a blood hound baying through my veins
Still tight as the high pressure shoots through like fire
My still beating heart thumps like a dull drum racing towards the desert night
And I hoped.
You made me accept good things and compliments like sweet rain on dry crops
With the dusty earth yearning for the wet drops to calm the peoples
You were my rainmaker.
You calmed me down
You quenched my dry hoarse burning throat and beat me till I said, "you're welcome"
You would not let me duck and turn and creep my way out of either good or aide.

When I needed help you told me I had to let you help me.
When you said that I was a righteous man and a wonderfull person,
You made me accept it- you would not drop it
You were persistant like a buzzing bumble bee flying close to my ear
As I swatted at you over and over- you just dodged and returned.
When I could not believe in myself
You sang sweet songs to my cautious soul
When I would not believe it,
You said it again.
When I could not accept it,
You stared me in the eyes
And overwhelmed me with your love.

But when you did not believe
I could not persuade you
When you did not accept
I could not help you as you helped me
You did not trust me
You did not honour me
You did not accept me
My love was not enough
And though you knew the struggle
You ran
You fled into the night
As I had wanted to do so many times when you pressed me.
I was not enough
You did not believe your God would want good for you-
The God who became a man,
The God who was mocked a man,
The God who was beaten a man,
The God who was murdered a man.
This God who payed so dear for the will of His Father-
This God who payed so dear for the love of the Church
This God you did not believe (though he knows the number of the hairs on your head) to have kind intentions towards you.
Not with me
Not because of me.
I was not enough (nor should I be- but you know that is not what I mean)
I could not be true.
And so you left.
What you could not abide in me
was of course most abundant in yourself
And is this not so often the case with us?
We hate in others the things we hate in ourselves the most.

And I am left my mouth agape
With the sudden wind blowing through my hair
(for you left so suddenly)
And my dull eyes, wet with tears,
Are lost to a haze of nothingness
An idle fog hangs about me like a shroud
Obscuring my last vision of you
Until I am left with nothing
But your inconcievable decision
And no explanation at all.

It is not better to struggle alone
It is not good to turn away those who would help you
It is not wise to make decisions with no reason
And if you cannot explain it to yourself
You do not have a reason
If you cannot explain it to others
You may be forgiven
But we often have what we need and even want
Hidden right in front of us
If only we could see it.

Thirty-one Poems In Ten Days, or Memories of Holden Ln

#1

Have you ever wondered how you can go on feeling
When the feelings no longer seemed to be connected to reality?
I am trying to just let the feelings be
Just be as they are.

I don't really know how to cut and run
I can't seem to find the switch-
But even if I could, do you really think I could turn it off?

You know, I have been told my whole life
That expressing yourself is healthy-
But I kind of just thought that was for someone else-
The expressing that is
So now when I try, it feels weird, but seems normal
And I cannot write beautiful.

I do not have beauty inside me.

I do not feel beauty inside me.

I feel loss.

The heart I have is turned towards you
And all those miles apart are like
A knife embedded deep within
and all the life is flowing out
-But who am I to stop the flow?
And say this feeling must not be
For you are gone so far away-
But I am still right here.

Go Time

The posts may be spotty for the next two weeks, of course, they might not- but it is time for finals, so just in case, I thought I would warn you. Christmas is coming up- and so are a few republican primaries (in the next few months). Consider Ron Paul.

And So I Saw

That place that was so far away
And in here where I hold it close
And cannot reach the last long inch
I left my home to find my way
But you did not understand
And all that happened was so close
But might as well have been so far
And never reaching what I hoped'
Always just a breath away,
I always almost made it there.

Fear, Planning, and Uncertainty- The Big Picture We Do Not See

I was reminded of something by a comment on a picture of me rappelling down "into" a glacier, so to speak. It is only a few posts back if you want to reference it. Rappelling down over a cliff that you did not climb up- you don't always know what is down there, you don't always know if the rope is long enough, you don't always know if you are going to make it to the bottom- or even what the bottom is. Here is another picture of one of the group of us going over the same cliff. I think it will give a little perspective. He hasn't actually gotten to the overhanging part yet (which is where the photo of me a few posts ago was taken).



You can see the big picture when you look at these two photos- and I'm typing so you can assume that everything went alright. But here is what we did the night before. Mind you, this is the same exact rappel, however we had not done it before and... it was dark.



This is me getting ready to go down over the edge of the cliff. I cannot see anything. I am looking down to check the little bit of safety I have before I go over. And then I descend- but even though I am descending down the cliff (which you have now seen)- I am really only descending into the inky blackness of the night.

There are times in life, when what we must do is much the same. After the fact, or in a different light- what we have done may seem amazing and fantastic and beautiful. At the time we often do it, however, it is just uncertain and fearful. When you go down off the edge and into the night- what do you take with you?

Recommendation

The Prayer Book Society of the U.S.A. has a news blog. I reccommend that you check it out. I put it on the blogroll on the right. It is very interesting to see how other not-quite-so-individualistic Christians handle serious disagreements. Check it out. Let me know what you think.

A Coming I

I heard a voice call to the dead
A thousand lambs lay slain afield
And in the thunder loud he said,
"Rise up my children for death shall yield."

In the valley where we lay
On the bones of dead long gone
He bid them rise and come to Him
From dust and ashes in the dawn.

I was dying on that plain
My blood was leaking to the earth
And all around me the dead began
To rise alive, a second birth.

I watched my brothers open eyes
That our enemies had closed
And on the plain where battles waged
Our fathers dead before us rose.

I looked to heaven from the earth
And saw a thing I'd never seen
As on the clouds a man came down
And all my wounds had never been.

Morning

Some mornings you wake up and see a firy dream. Dreams comes true sometimes. Dreams come true.

Funny Ha Ha?

I don't imagine that much happens when I'm dying. I think only of the pain. I forget that things are still going on around me both near and far away. It is funny how things blind you. Sometimes I really think everyone else is better off. Sometimes I almost want to ask the question, "why did you make me this way?" Ha, Ha. "Why so downcast oh my soul? Put your faith in God."

Drink deep from the well of the everlasting and savour all you see. Do not enjoy the pain and suffering. Weep well, my friends. Do not despise the small joys- they are gifts dear people. Do not deny the truth. Let it all flow as one giant mess. Who are you kidding anyways? Who do I think I am fooling? "Why so downcast oh my soul? Put your faith in God."

On Voting

There are elections being held at the university I attend today and tomorrow. I predict widespread apathy. These are the same people who do not vote for local and state officials as well (and rarely think about presidential elections either). This leads me to wonder why something so important has become so unimportant in the minds of "my generation". I wonder, has anything changed? Was one vote ever something that made the difference? Everyone is out for themselves it seems- if they can't change the world with one action, then why do it at all? The irony is that it is in your best interest to vote- which means it does matter, despite the consequences of inaction being delayed. Those consequences will come. Go out and vote. It won't rock the world immediately- but neither will not spending your entire paycheck on booze. We do little things that add up to big things all the time- and they are good for us and those we care about. Go and vote, even for your student government. Bad arguments will not turn laziness into a virtue. Vote.

On Glaciers

I love the ice on glaciers. It is so immense, so big, so alive. It is all around you. It stretches out before you and reaches up high into the mountains. It moves slowly. It has colour and shape. It is otherworldly. Here I am rappelling down an ice-clif and it is really like going inside the glacier. I was swallowed up and made tiny once again. Glaciers are really amazing.

Draw Near My Lord And Let Me Feel

Draw near to me Lord
Or I will perish
Fill me Lord
For I feel so very empty
Light flickers and fades at night
At the edges of my blurry vision
I have almost seen you yet again
Do not delay for I am dying
Here in the north
Here in the cold
Here by myself
Here alone.

The light falls and shadows rise
And give way to the dark night
That clothes me like a blanket.

"Hear the voice! It cries aloud in the streets."
I am listening
"Call to Him while He is still near!"
I have no voice
"Be still and know,"
My heart is not something I command and it races like a scared child.

Falling snow on coloured leaves
Clean upon decaying earth
And we mock the one who greaves
And cry for those who still give birth.

But I do not need to hear
The platitudes of everyday
But that which is most dear to me
Costs too much for me to see.

I am not like other men
And we are all the same
Draw near my Lord for I would faint
And never rise again.

On Love, Truth, and Intentions

Have you ever wondered what role your intentions have in your speech? I mean how much do they really matter? Have you ever been dismayed at the thought that the person you were talking to really did not care about your intentions- but only about the words that you said?

I think that intentions do matter- but not as much as most people I talk to. At present I have what might be described as a weak view of intentions in general. It goes up or down depending on the medium. Speech, for instance, would be more intimately connected to intentions, while writing might be much less so in my view. Intentions matter, but they do not remove me from responsibility.

I would like to sometimes pull a get out of jail card when talking to a woman. She may be offended at something I happened to say- and I might like to say-"hey! I did not mean it that way. Therefore you have no right to take it that way. Therefore I am not responsible for your feelings (whatever those may be). Therefore I get out of jail for free." This would be nice and although I may have never put it quite like that- I am sure that I have implied that very chain of reasoning on numerous occasions. Would that be right though? Unfortunately, I am not so sure. This does not mean that I have the level of doubt about it that you might like me to have- but I do have my doubts none the less.

Sticking with conversation for the moment I think that I have to stop and ask myself the question afresh- what place does my intention have in my speech? If I intend to convey love, hope, and truth- but actually communicate criticism, pessimism, and truth- what should I think? What should I think when others take what I say in a way that is different from what I meant? Am I responsible for how others take what I say? Or am I only responsible for the content of my speech? I think the answer to the question of practice (if not the answer to the question of theory), is found in the relationship between love and truth.

I once said to a friend that there was no love without truth and that truth without love is worthless. Whether or not this statement will hold up under intense philosophical scrutiny it really does get at the heart of the matter. "Love is patient; love is kind; it does not envy; it does not boast..." (from I Corinthians 13) and "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am nothing..." (ibid.) Love is great and that is a truth. Understand that and I will likely be able to understand the answer to my own question.

The Gospel, Evangelism, and B. B. Warfield

"...upon a field of dead that the Son of righteousness has risen, and the shouts that announce His advent fall on deaf ears: yeah, even though the morning stars should again sing for joy and the air be palpitant with the echo of the great proclamation, their voice could not penetrate the ears of the dead. As we sweep our eyes over the world lying in its wickedness it is the valley of the prophet's vision which we see before us: a valley that is filled with bones, and lo! they are very dry. What benefit is there in proclaiming to dry bones even the greatest of redemptions? How shall we stand and cry, 'O, ye dry bones, hear ye the word of the Lord!' In vain the redemption, in vain its proclamation, unless there come a breath from heaven to breathe upon these slain that they may live." (Warfield, B.B. "Studies In Theology" New York: Oxford University 1932. pg 42)

I cannot help but be moved by both the truth and the method of delivery here. Think on these things.

I see and hear a thing above
And in my prayers I feel a peace
And now I know that you are here
and I am not alone.

The Things We Say

"If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but decieves his own heart, this one's religion is useless." -James 1:26

Sometimes, when I am thinking about things I wish I had never said to someone, I remember things I wish I had said, but didn't. I think you know the kind of things I mean- things like, "I'm sorry," "I love you too," or "why don't you let me cool down a bit, and then we can talk about this." The things we say to others are sometimes so careless. The things we don't say sometimes, make us out to be selfish cowards.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving. Packing, eating, stories, sledding, movie, eating, packing. What a day. Tomorrow (or technically today) I am going back to the deltas for the first time in a while. For this, I am truly thankful. For so many things I do not see the blessing- or at least not until it is too late- but for a return to the mountains, ahh... for this I must say it truly is a happy thanksgiving.

Losing

Sometimes when you remember those who have died it makes you sad. Sometimes it makes you happy. Sometimes it does all that and more. When things change, you have to deal with a loss. It doesn't matter whether or not that loss is a good thing or a bad thing. It does not matter that many people do not look at it this way. Whenever something changes, you lose something. It is really simple. Sometimes you lose something you wanted to keep. Sometimes you lose something you never wanted- often it is a little bit of both. Either way, though, every change involves a loss- whether that change is death, or a break-up, or a break-down, or a new job, etc... change involves loss.
The world lost Jessica. We don't get to have her back. I hate that sometimes, I really do.

On Love, Truth, And G-d

In my ongoing quest to understand how Jesus is the truth and why being right is not more important than love and why those do not contradict each other- I have undergone a lot of changes. Lucky for me the Lord honours those who seek Him diligently because I have not known quite how I should go about the whole thing. I have tried things that ended up not working and seriously damaging relationships I had and I have changed the frame of the whole discussion on more than one occasion. I am impressed by how much some people can give of themselves out of love. I am also impressed with the horrendous effects that abandoning truth has had on my brothers and sisters here in the United States.

Seasons come and go and we learn things that we did not expect to ever learn- even things we wanted to. What is the connection between G-d, Truth, and Love? Why is it true that one is more important than another, but that statement is either true or false and if you believe falsely you won't see that the one is greater than the other?

And all the while as I fight with myself and tear myself to pieces losing and winning battles that take me to places I never thought I would go- I somehow find my love for G-d rekindled in a way that is amazing.

I love my Church. I love my people. Oh yeah, it's not really my Church.

A Moment

Outside a clouded pale settles upon the earth. A white cloud, and everywhere it settles. The mountains on the horizon disappear like ghosts fading into another plain of existence and the trees all around become imbued with magic and beauty. White crystal flakes float and swirl down upon us and everywhere there is a stillness. The smoke from the stacks does not fight the cloud, does not try to fight beyond the pale, but rather it becomes a part of it, blending and adding and submitting to it. The silence comes from the stillness and as we look outside our warm walls we do not dare fight the stillness. We accept it, and so we sit.

The Heart of Gifts

And so it is I pick it up
And feel the very heart you gave
In the thing so lifeless now
I experience again your good intention.

And even in the golden ball
Which I never really liked
I see the heart that listened well
And tried to give accordingly.

And in the foreign words I feel
What cannot be described with sight
The very thing behind the thing
That burns so very bright.

I see your effort mainly here:
In the giving of good gifts
But that was not enough for me
And I felt alone outside your gate.

Was it from some book you read?
Or from some proverb you had heard?
That put your energies in gifts?
And kept you always scared of me?

I have seen a glimpse of you
And seen inside your heart
But just a glimpse was all I had
And now the objects left behind.

So many of them speak your love
And speak of your concern
But they are only things to me
And not the love I'd hoped to find.

The Light of Beauty

And when the light had faded down
And I saw you standing there
In all your calm and quietness
I became so still.

The light, it played upon your curls
I felt and saw the golden shine
But you were unapproachable
And so I gazed aloof.

I tried to approach you there
But felt so in a daze
I did not see a way in
So much light, too much light.

And then you were sitting there
Alone by the telescope
And there by the steps I reached
And you did not immediately protest.

And as I threw myself against your walls
Over and over in a dark night
I became bloodied and bruised
And then it was my weariness that you decried.

And you began not only to remain inside
You also began to loose the arrows from above
And I did not then fight in the shade
Bravado was gone and I just died in the dark.

The volleys reigned down upon me
And truly I could not see the sun
Was your leaving a mercy?
Or just the final blow?

But never did the image leave
And always in my heart it stayed
With the sun upon your locks
And beauty all around my earth.

"You can go your own way..."

Have you ever wondered what you should do, but found direction absent? As an American I am expected to figure things out for myself- I am an "individual" after all. It is expected by my culture that I possess a certain amount of self-reliance. Of course, Alaska takes this to some frozen extremes- but anyway I look at it, those around me often act as though everyone should already know certain things (which many do not). They should be able to figure it out for themselves. People even want to figure things out entirely for themselves on their own with no help from other people or institutions. If you can break with tradition and solve a problem you have really arrived here in the States. The culture loves new things. It winks at bucking the mold even when it has to enforce not doing so. Striking out on your own and forging your own path is a good thing. It is a laudable thing. To say that of someone is to praise them.

When you want direction, though, many people who may be able to help may think that it is not their place to do so. Many people will act as though you should not ask for help. The problem is you need help. I need help. Everyone needs help. Everyone needs direction. There was a time when the Church answered all questions. That time is gone from our culture. The question is- should it be gone from our lives?

A Brief Prayer (well you just come in in the middle)

...And then, as it were all of a sudden, I realized that your grace was sufficient for me. I also forgot to look for the way out- but then I remembered that there was one- and that always. Thank you so much for not demanding my feelings be other than they are. Thank you for working for my good (and your glory), and not telling me to call every single event good. Thank you for making me in a way that I can (by your help) actually live consistently with your word. We think so many wrong things so often- and we are so confident of how right we are... but you have not abandoned me. You have not thrown me away. All praise be to Jesus Christ my Lord and God...

Blood and Syrup

Have you ever wanted to approach something or someone to resolve something (in your mind or theirs)- but when you did it got messy? It's like cooking hamburgers in the morning with syrup. At some point in the process you press down on the hamburger (covered in syrup) and it "bleeds". Then you are just staring at this awful mixture of blood and syrup. It truly is a little disturbing. Sometimes, I've found that dealing with problems is something that I might want to put off for fear of the mess I know that will ensue. What I fail to remember is how good a hamburger cooked in syrup is when it is done.

Loneliness and Value

Loneliness is a valueless fact. It sits upon your shoulders like a heavy burden; or, it recedes like a hollow ache into the back of your consciousness. It is neither right nor wrong. It is neither good nor bad. It just is. Sometimes you have it sometimes you don't. Some people barely know it. Others don't know what it is like to live without it. When you think of loneliness, think of the rain. You may not like it, or you may not like it now- but the rain is not bad. Loneliness is like the rain. It can ruin your day- or, it can drive you to seek the Lord of Heaven and Earth. I may not know what life without loneliness is really like- but I do know that G-d provides for me in times of trouble. I do know that when nothing makes sense at all in this crazy place we call the world, that G-d is not absent. I do know that He can be trusted. I do know that you do not have to be happy and healthy to feel the peace and presence of G-d.

ps- I will give anyone who can tell me what is wrong with this little paragraph twenty dollars. Just post your comments.

pps- previously in this post I mispelled Lonliness- I have corrected it at the request of my readers.

The Faithful Friend You Would Like To Lose

Have you ever found it harder to lose something than you expected? Have you ever found yourself wanting it back? You struggle inside yourself going back and forth between wanting it and thinking it's not really a good idea. And then sometimes the struggle is with wanting something that is not likely to ever happen and trying to "be realistic". It is amazing the highs and lows you can go through in a day. You can just feel the ice at nine in the morning you are so high but then at noon the ice may creep into your heart and you are hit with a hot blast of sand and grit. The joy is gone and all is dark. But then back up the mountain you go. Feelings are funny things.

Have you ever tried so hard for something- I mean so very very extremely hard- and just utterly failed, falling flat on your face? Have you ever given it all you got and then kept giving- but still did not make it? Have you ever dug so deep, so deep that you knew you had never dug there before, and still come up short? It is amazing to fail when you have tried. It is amazing in so many ways. I never really knew just how much I wanted to not lose something- not until I lost it.

When everything in your heart is abandoned and no one understands why it is that it hurts- and no one can see how they are hurting each other, when all is drowned out by the voice of selfish pain- a feeling that demands to be heard- then is the time that people so often learn a valuble lesson. And that lesson is most often too late. Not always, but most often it is.

Let the long dark tea time of the soul be the time that we prepare and learn. Scorn the pain too much and it will never leave you. Let it be heard.

Psalm 15

"How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? forever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me? Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death; Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved. But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation. I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me." -Psalm 13 (KJV)

What is one to do in times of trial and distress if G-d is really sovereign? If the Lord really has chosen you before the foundation of the world as the scriptures say (Ephesians 1), what does an honest man think when the going gets more than just tough? What do you pray to the Lord when all of your requests seem to go unheard? What is it that you are to do when everything that you love is taken from you?

There are those, of course, who do not think that G-d is sovereign over all things. And by those, I mean there are those Christians who espouse such a belief. It is true, they usually think He is sovereign in some way or in some things- but they do not know how to reconcile His sovereignty over all things with the suffering and loss they experience right now. They think to themselves that because they do not know how to reconcile it, it must not be.

Other Christians examine their own trials and losses and think that God must still be sovereign in all things (for they are loathe to abandon such a point) and so the promises of rebirth, ressurection, and kingdom, are where they place all their hope. In fact, many in this camp abandon all hope for good in THIS life. They choose to keep a stiff upper lip, grin and bear it, and just plug on through until death- where/ when they believe, all will be made right. They do not know what to make of their sufferings here, so they pin their hopes all on something in the future.

There are other responses to be sure- and here I make no attempt to support or tear down either response mentioned. These responses do make a point, however, and that is that one cannot live well with internal tension. A man or woman who experiences pain, suffering, loss, persecution, ridicule, and heartache must try to come to terms with it. We as people (and most assuredly even more so as Christians) seek to integrate all our beliefs and actions. We seek for what Nancy Percey calls Total Truth and what Francis Schaeffer called Truth with a capital T before her. We can say a lot of things, but we cannot live a lot of the things we say.

So how do we make sense of the defeats and trials of life? The first thing we need to do is be honest with G-d. David cries, "how long wilt thou forget me, O Lord?" How many of us have gotten to the place where we cannot shout the same cry? If you want to make sense of anything, you have to own up to it. We must first be honest about how we feel. For now, I will weep as you weep and I pray that you will mourn as I mourn.

On Disagreeing With G-d

A friend of mine said to me the other day, "I do not think that G-d minds if you disagree with Him." When pressed, he bowed out due to "an obligation". Now to be fair, I am sure his girlfriend really would have taken an axe to his head if he was late to engage in a theological discussion (and this is even funnier if you know her, but I won't spoil it for you). It got me thinking though. The reason it got me thinking is that I know this friend of mine and I do not take him to be a heretic or an imbecile. He is rather smart, certainly more educated than myself, and I felt like his choice of words was trying to get at something other than the words themselves.

So what could be meant by disagreeing with G-d? What could be meant that is not theologically abhorrent, that is. I think there is behind the statement a willingness to be honest first trusting that the Lord can one, handle it, and two cares enough to have us address our theological questions honestly. This is important. While I would never say it like my friend did, I do think that there is something there. More will surely follow.

Presidential Primaries

With so many primaries being moved ahead of their usual schedule, it certainly creates some additional road blocks for any candidates who are not as well known in the public eye. Ron Paul is such a candidate. He is currently trying to raise over 400,000 dollars to pay for advertising in four states: New Hampshire, Iowa (two very important primaries of course), North Carolina, and Iowa. I wonder why primaries are being pushed sooner than usual. You can make donations on Ron Paul's website if you wish to help give him a fighting chance. Also, I would love to hear some thoughts on the primaries being pushed to earlier dates.

Words Matter

Choose your words carefully because words matter.

You know what it's like when you sit down and ask yourself an honest question? You know when you let it come out in words for the first time? When you have danced around it for so long and found ways to distract yourself or ignore the thing- when you have been avoiding it, it can come as quite a surprise.

The answer can come as a surprise too. You can live with questions for quite sometime and be so afraid to answer them honestly that... well, that a lot of things can happen that you really did not want to. But you thought you were protecting yourself, right? Well, protecting yourself is one thing. Building up emotional walls to do it is quite another.

I have long been avoiding a question. I have even longer been avoiding the answer. You know, I really thought I was doing the smart thing. People would sometimes think that I was keeping them at a distance, keeping them out, if you will. They would try and make some plea for me to open up. If it was a girlfriend, it would be an emotional plea- and it would not work at all. If it was from a friend, they would try and guess what the cause of my precautions were and usually get it wrong. Either way, they never really got through to me.

You know what did get through to me? A good argument from a credible source. That is what has given me pause. That is what has given me a reason to begin to dismantle my walls brick by brick. I got a good argument from a credible source. That is what G-d used to get through to me.

In this war that I wage against the most difficult of enemies, myself, I have seen a great victory. Praise the Lord, for it came through reason. He is the source of reason; He is the source of this freedom, this victory. Brick by brick. Stone by stone. Step by step.

The thing is, all the hard times, everything that stretched me, all the things I had to work for to try and love you and get through to you and make you feel loved- all those things were good for me. All that work was good for me. You were good for me. My relationship with God got better from being with you. Part of me would love to just say bad things. I would like to say that it was awful and that you were terrible and that the time was a waste... but I can't. You are beautiful and amazing. You are kind and compassionate. It still hurts that you left. It hurts because I lost something good. It hurts because there was something to lose. And good reasons are good both to have and to know and to be able to explain.

And all was dark that day
And we could not see the sun
And death walked among us
And we were furious in our tears
We were angry in our heartache
May God protect them if we ever find them
May God grant us forgiving hearts.

Happy Tonight

I envy you who are not surprised to find yourselves happy. I have laboured hard and joy has only been in Christ, but I have not been anything but melencholy and I still am surprised by joy every time. So today, this night, I thank the Lord who has brought joy and peace to me. Brick by brick, stone by stone, step by step. Tonight I am happy. I am many other things as well- and I feel many other things as well. I am, however (and this surprisingly), happy tonight. So I will say a few things in my happiness:

Find what you are looking for Sarah, and don't think that I hate you. Be well mama. Do not give up Clif. Do not forget your first love Matt. I miss you Doug. I miss you Mike. I miss you dad. Do not forsake meeting together Highline. God bless you and your family Irish. Be wise George. Find Jesus Lily, Eva, and Forest. And to my best friends- first, don't you dare. Second, listen to your wife every once in awhile. To all my friends, close and not so close- I love you all. May the peace of God come to you when it is right.

Minor Correction to a Paper You Will Probably Never Read

So I was reading a copy of my delightful school newspaper today when I noticed that not only did they quote me, but they misquoted me. I think to myself about how insignificant the problem is and I wonder if perhaps I could just let this one go. The truth of the matter is that the wall can go from dead to jam-packed full of people and back to dead again on a regular basis. Also there may or may not be an increase in usage. But I will say this, yes the wall really is amazing.

A Note For Monday

This is not my usual sort of fair, however I think the poem speaks well of a truth that I neglect so often. I apologize to the author if the spacing of the poem does not work out. I have not mastered the finer points of blogging yet. Please forgive me. Everyone else- think on this:

"In Blocking off what hurts
us, we think we are
walling ourselves off from
pain. But in the long
run, the wall, which prevents
growth, hurts us more than the
pain which, if we will only
bear it, soon passes over us.
Washes over us and is
gone. Long will we remember
pain, but the pain itself, as
it was at the
point of intensity that made
us feel as if we must
die of it, eventually
vanishes. Our memory of
it becomes only a
trace.
Walls remain. They grow
moss. They are difficult barriers
to cross, to get to others,
to get to closed-down
parts of ourselves."

-Alice Walker

Yes, He Is Dangerous

You know I wish I didn't still love you,
Or do I?
I dance around the feelings so much
But now I have grown tired
The simple truth is not always hard to understand
But often hard to swallow.

Did you know that I dream sometimes?
The air grows still
And thick the silence waits
With all my powers now so lost
And unto Him I pray.

Do not cast me aside
Do not throw me away
All the times I have been wrong
And now I drown in it.

I cannot stop the feeling
And so perhaps now I will stop the trying
And let it wash over me-
My love for you,
And all that regret...

I am here and stone by stone
I let it in and let it out
And all the things I kept inside
Slowly wet the earth with tears
And drown the ground with my blood
As every wall comes down.

Do I lay dying?
Or do I near a rebirth of things I thought long broken?
I miss the sound that soothed my heart
I miss the touch that calmed the beast-
And now though it may be to late...
I will let him out.

Ron Paul

I was coming out of the gym today after a workout when I ran into a man who was handing out flyers. Much to my suprise, the flyers were for Ron Paul. And here I thought I was alone in my support for Dr. Paul's presidential campaign way here up north. I was encouraged. Ron Paul for president.

"Sheep Go To Heaven"

"I'm not feeling alright today. I'm not feeling that great. I'm not catching on fire today. Love has started to fade." -Cake

Ever wonder why it is that you have not heard about something that you ernestly desired to hear about? Ever think to yourself, "hey, what's going on here?" Well, silence is the thing that seems to drive the moderns crazy most. Makes it hard to hear commands like:

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

Makes it all the more important. Sometimes you just want to shake something. Sometimes you just want to forget. Sometimes you just want to feel something else. Sometimes you just want it to stop. Be still.

The lillys fell that winter
And all was bathed in fire
And now the cherry trees are gone
And in my tears I am still
In the memory of beauty that has fled
I must be still.

The Ibex I Saw

The stars are out. It's not too cold. It's really pretty tonight. I saw a purple hoody today. I really wanted to buy it for you. There was no one there to slap me. It would have looked good on you. Suprisingly soft for wool. The night sky has been transformed into the heavens again. With the dark. Through the stars. They move through the night. When you struggle like this- the language of letting go or holding on really does come to mind. It seems horribly misleading and inaccurate- but it just jumps to your lips as you grope for words to express...

So many things to do or say- yet this one demands that I confront it now. This one refuses to be pushed aside. This one will not wait, will not rest on the back-burner. I have homework I say- angry silence (and this from myself). I have bills to pay- more of the same. I have friends to call back- not now, you don't. I will be heard- you will not not deal with me anymore. Oh, and to insure this- I will be felt. You will feel me and you will not stop feeling me until you have resolution- until you make resolution. I will force you to find it (and I can almost hear myself saying this); you will feel yourself.

I'm so glad I am starting to heal. One brick at a time. Skiing this winter, Lord-willing. The snow has already started. The ice is outside. New ice-tools, definately new ice-tools. But even as I begin to do what it is that I was made to do once again- still I know that I am changed. I will never be able to ignore myself the way I once did. This is going to get so messy. But why dip my toes?

This Is Not For Everyone

"But I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"

It is snowing right now.
But you are not here.
Did I send you away?

The library is quiet
But I cannot hear your voice
Did you run from me?

The coffee is hot
But it does not fill.
But did I make you think that you were there to fill me up?

Hours turned to days
Days turned to weeks
Weeks turned to months.

No great loss I told myself
But that did not explain
And you know how I like explanations.

"Hiding from me," you said
"Protecting you," you said I said.
You may care if I said it, but I only care if I believed it.

What is the truth?
There is a Christian way to see this,
And all knowledge that is true must be true in Christ.

And they will think I just said that,
Off-handedly,
As if I did not labour with great pain for just such a phrase.

Praise be to our creator
And thanks be to Him for His providence,
Who works all things.

Wednesday

"Better a thousand times to die, than for to live thus still tormented"
-John Dowland

One brick at a time. One rock at a time. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Just take your last step; then take your last step again. I regret. I have a hard time lying to myself- so I have to hide from myself instead. There are hard ways to deal with hard feelings. Sometimes you just cannot take it back. This time, I cannot, I want to, but I probably should not. If I probably should not, I probably should not want to. Wants are not the slaves of the mind, however (though I might wish it so). Hard days. Easy days. One brick at a time.

I dislike being blinded to my own culpability in things. Others do not always think to point it out, however- and even when they do, not always very well or effectively. All things are possible with G-d. The story is not over. I may wish it to be (thinking that if it was over, I would 'get on with it'). I do not determine my steps. Be well and forgive me. I do not forget. I do not brush aside like dust. May the Lord cause His own wisdom to hold sway in our hearts and minds.

And Then I Was Mad

You know, one struggles to find the words to express a feeling sometimes. You think you have it, but then you don't. You think you want to share it, but then you can't. You think it is simple, but then it isn't, or it turns out to be really hard. What do you say to your heart when it rails against your head? Who wins when there is conflict? I wonder a lot about the way things end up. I find it hard to trace them sometimes. Some people are so confident about their explanations of how things ended up the way they did, they fail to stop and realize that they might be wrong- or it might be important to think about things as they are first, and how they got that way second. This is often the way I see the war- but I don't suppose that you see it that way, do you?

24

24 is an amazing show. It caters to the high and low-brow audience. It deals in politics, love, grief, ethics, political philosophy, leadership, hard decisions, forgiveness, gun-fights, car-chases, and so much more. I wouldn't tell anyone to bring the kids- but it is far more than just a wild ride.

Weekend Interlude

I saw Dr. Toon this morning speak on the topic of Justification by faith alone. The formal response from the other speaker was "I agree", which made the response not a very interesting response. All in all, though- it is always good to see Dr. Toon.

Battle III

"He who hates me hates my Father also. If I had not done among them the works which no one else did, they would have no sin; but now they have seen and also hated both Me and my Father. But this happened that the word might be fufilled which is written in their law, 'They have hated Me without a cause.' But when the Helper comes, whom I shall send to you from the Father, He will testify of Me. And you also will bear witness, because you have been with me from the beginning. These things I have spoken to you, that you should not be made to stumble. They will put you out of the synagogues; yes, the time is coming that whoever kills you will think that he offers God service. And these things they will do to you because they have not known the Father nor me." -John 15:23-16:3

At times, a Christian may encounter friendliness and acceptence from the world. Sometimes this is because the Christian is not behaving or speaking in a manner consistent with his own professed faith. Sometimes this is because the Lord is going before the Christian and is moving people to respond kindly to them. As Jesus warns his disciples here, however, the world will often hate the Christian. They will seek to kill the Christian. They will throw the Christian out of town and ostracize him. Christians will be excommunicated. This proved true for all of the disciples. This proved true for so many of the disciples' disciples. This has been the case throuought history. The blood of the Martyrs of the Christian Church cries out not in a tiny whisper- but in a deafening roar. Jesus told His disciples in order to prepare them so that when they met resistance of all kinds they would not stumble. Do not be surprised when health, wealth, and prosperity does not come to you with your Christian faith. The whole Church has been warned- and that for a reason.

Battle II

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." -Ephesians 6:12,13

I sometimes feel that I am lulled into a false sense of ease (not security) in the Church here in the United States. I do not always have it in my mind that I have to withstand anything. I sometimes get the mistaken impression that if temptation is tempting, that something is wrong with me. I do not often think that I should suit up, when I prepare for the day. I do not often think that I am going to be attacked. But why is that? It certainly is not an impression that you can get from reading the Bible. Ease and safety have not been promised to the Church in this life. War has.

Battle I

Growing up in the Church, I often sang a song that had the line, "In heavenly armour we'll enter the land/ The battle belongs to the Lord/ No weapon that's fashioned against us will stand/ The battle belongs to the Lord..." This theme of battle has always jived with my Christian worldview- with my Christian metaphysic, more specifically. I have had a somewhat hard time in the easiest place to live on earth. To imagine this as a battle is no stretch at all.

When you feel abandoned, it can feel like a fight to do everything. It is no small thing that Christ has not abandoned me or you. And no small thing that the imagery is there in the Word.

Bad Examples

I was recently reading a copy of "The Commission" (a Southern Baptist magazine on missions). In it was an article about a young eastern european convert who had a possibility to play for his national soccer team. After he converted he decided that soccer was his idol and that in order to really follow Christ he was going to have to give up his chances at a professional career. I do not know this individual and it may be that in his case that that was a great decision. That is why I have not directly quoted and have been vague about the event. I am not interested in criticizing that particular person for his decision that I know nothing (directly) about.

However, the attitude that if you really love Jesus, something that you are really good at and takes up a lot (or even most) of your time is a bad thing or an idol... that is garbage. If you are good at something and you like it, well, there just is not much of a decision (again we are not concerned with the above mentioned individual case). What I do not like is when people hold this sort of example up as an example for others to follow. "... but G-d made me fast..." comes to mind (from "Chariots of Fire") as a more appropriate response.

Every believer should understand that G-d does not need them in the strictest sense. So He does not need a professional soccer player- and He does not need another missionary- and He does not need another Christian. Everyone of us was made a certain way and if you have certain talents and desires, you should think twice before you throw them to the wind.

I Am Back

At the Feast

The table's set and round are seats
The food is piled very high
With many spices and special treats
The master bids come nigh.

But do you hear the voice inside?
The one that never lets you sleep?
The one that always whispers harsh,
And always prays your cell to keep?

Do you feel the heavy weight?
And wonder if it goes away?
Will it weigh you down for life,
Until the Lord returns again?

Is there an ache that you would lose?
A hole that leads so deep inside?
Do you think you could come out?
Or must you run away to hide?

When everything pulls you far away
And those you love you leave behind
Do you wonder what is right?
And do you worry that you were blind?

It is hard to trust sometimes
And it is hard to see
And still we will not reach out our hands
It's only me, me, me.

The way to peace is not through will
The way to hope is not through peace
What we want is at our hands
And all we need is at the feast.

On Friends, In Brief

As everyone knows, certain things are necessary for life. Things such as air, water, and food are actually necessary conditions for being alive. And of course we all know that certain other things are necessary for proper functioning as a human being... or do we know? Things such as friends, purpose, and rest seem to sometimes not be treated as if they were as important as they actually are. And then for the Christian, of course, there is another set of things that are necessary for them to grow and have peace (let alone happiness). Do we understand worship, fellowship, spiritual disciplines, or giving? I know that many Christians do and are happy for it. Let us back up a moment, though, and think a little more about something that everyone needs.

Have you ever known someone who really did not have any friends? These people often stand out as different and odd and sad (if you notice them). They seem different, odd, and sad because they may be a big number, but they are not a big percentage. Most people have friends. There is nothing rare or unusual about having a friend. Most people have friends because it is excruciating to live without them. The vilest villain does not usually want to be alone. The bible speaks about the importance of choosing your friends wisely, in part, because G-d knows that it is not good for people to be alone. People realize that it is not good to be alone themselves and they will put not being alone above other considerations (that they might not ought to). They would most often prefer bad company to no company (for long periods, that is). Many people in the United States, for example, have never in their whole lives been 72 hours away from all contact with other people. People really do intuitively know that they need other people.

So if there is nothing rare or unusual about having a friend to talk to- and certainly nothing rare about wanting to have a friend to talk to... why then does the phrase "I feel like I have no one to talk to come across many people's lips?" My heart goes out to people who feel alone- but they would do well to remember the necessity of friends. It is not hard to get friends, but it is important to choose your friends wisely. Remember Proverbs 1:15 and Psalm 1:1.

Presidential Election and Electability

The election is more than a year away and people are making predictions- I have some thoughts on this. If predictions can be made with any amount of accuracy this far out from the election- I think we either have a populace in agreement, or we have a problem. We do not have a united populace. Therefore we have a problem, or perhaps it really is too soon to tell. Now you may think that this is an either or fallacy, but that is what the comments are for. It is a long way from the election- people should not be using electability as a criterion in making your decision this far out. It is important to begin thinking about who you are going to vote for- and it is important to vote- but we should not be excluding canidates from the election because of "electability" at this stage in the game. If Mitt Romney wants to run for president, then let him run- don't worry about the fact that he is a Mormon. If you like Ron Paul but fear that you would be wasting your vote because no one has heard of him and he doesn't have a chance- stop worrying. Listen to his speeches. Talk to your friends about him. At this stage in the game, character, track-record, and political philosophy should be all that we as voters should be concerned with. Remember that the God who made the universe is still watching and is not slow as some reckon slowness.

Mad Men and Cultural Critique

I have been watching a new show about advertising executives in the 1960's that is surpisingly well written. Take this quote for instance:

"Kids today have no one to look up to... because they are looking up to us." - From episode 4 of the TV show Mad Men

Does every generation think that the new generation is going to be the last because they are not like them or their fathers? I wonder if we have it in us to step back and see what should and should not be a priority when we criticize a particular generation. Please feel free to discuss this amongst yourselves.

A Heart That Bides

In the rain and in the mud
Where flowers drown and beauty hides
I hear the slow and steady thud
Of a heart that holds its time to bide.

The heavy past is hard to bear
The clouds block out the sun
And when the moon is drenched in blood
It seems too hard to run.

I never thought a hope was here
And never thought this dearth would bare
But all things here are possible
And we ourselves are in His care.

At the Edge

"A merry heart does good, like medicine, But a broken spirit dries the bones."- Proverbs 17:22 (NKJV)

Have you ever had a time in your life that was so full of hope and promise. A time that was full of learning and growth, a time where so many opportunities were coming together as if you were pregnant with hope- but then all of a sudden it all began to fall- and it wasn't necessarily falling quickly? Things were both oh so good, and oh so bad at the same time? Have you ever had a time in your life like that where you were not sure if it was all (and I mean all) going to be stripped away from you? You have to stop and ask yourself at times like these: what is the Lord doing? You have to ask yourself- how long Lord? Sometimes people burn brightest right before they burn out.

In times like these, when hurt comes easy, and your own sins and the sins of others come back to haunt you, when you wake with a groan and spend your time fending off despair, when everything seems like it is about to come together- or fall to pieces (and you do not know which), in these times I choose to remember something. If you ask yourself, "what is the Lord doing?" then you may begin to relax. The question reminds us of something- "the Lord". When you remember that Jesus Christ is Lord, the question takes on a different tone. The Lord is in charge; the Lord has authority. The Lord has power. The Lord is above you in all things. If you remember who is the servant and who is the master when you ask these questions- "what are you doing? How long oh Lord?" then you will be in an appropriate place to start to think about these things. Then you will be in an appropriate frame of mind to hear the answer.

"A man's heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps." - Proverbs 16:19 (NKJV)

Name that quote

"I just figured if I was gonna change the world, I would do it with cookies."

The Secrets of Womens

For anyone interested I would like to point out that Sidwaya has a regular piece titled the secrets of women. There is a link to the news paper already on the right with some other news sources that I frequent. I just never noticed that they had those things available. When I stop laughing I may be able to read some more of the secrets and let you know whether or not they only apply to African women.

The Logical Path

Nuri Kamal al-Maliki, the current prime-minister of Iraq was quoted by the New York Times as saying something quite interesting. It was said in response to comments from Senator Clinton (quoted here from MSNBC.com) and Senator Levin.

Updated: 4:44 a.m. AKT Aug 23, 2007
NEW YORK - Hillary Rodham Clinton said Wednesday the Iraqi Parliament should replace embattled Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki with a "less divisive and more unifying figure" to reconcile political and religious factions.

This is what al-Maliki said concerning the senator's comments:

But Mr. Maliki appeared to reach a new level of stridency with his reply to Senator Clinton, of New York, and Senator Levin, of Michigan. In remarks at a news briefing that referred to the senators by name, Mr. Maliki said they had spoken “as if Iraq is one of their cities.”
“Iraq is a sovereign country, and we will not allow anyone to talk about it as if it belongs to this country or that,” Mr. Maliki said. He added a phrase that could be translated as indicating that the senators ought to make sense again or should return to a logical path.

It is quite the thing to call for the removal of another country's politician of any rank. And here we have two of our own that sound to the whole world as if they have been called on doing just that. Do we really want to be in charge of the world, let alone think we are? Does Senator Clinton or Senator Levin really think it makes sense to speak publicly about their opinions on matters of staffing of foreign governments. I for one think that they have both abandoned the logical path. In so doing they have made the United States look very arrogant and ignorant. What I want to know is this- if you are going to accuse President Bush of making us look bad in foreign policy issues, why would you go and do the same thing? Hypocrisy is not the logical path.

Backwards and Broken

When you look at me like that
It Shakes me.
When I can see that you care,
in your eyes
It rattles my bones.
I lose my nerve under kindness
Like that in your eyes
I have to look away.
I am so used to harsh words
And harsh looks-
But I cannot look back
Not in your eyes, not when they are so kind
I do not want to look away
But I feel like you see inside me
And I am scared.
I feel exposed
Those who hate you cannot hurt you
Not nearly as much as those who care about you
And so if you care about me,
You can hurt me
And I am frightened
Like a child,
Because your eyes are so kind.

"...but God made me fast..."

I love to talk to people about God. I love to think about God. I love to meditate on God. I love to listen to other people speak about God. The study and contemplation of God fill me with something far beyond happiness. It is like a drug to me- only that seems far too cheap an explanation- and it is not a cheap thing.

When I was about eight years old I met a man named Rich. One day I asked him about Jesus and he kept answering my questions. It was amazing. Everytime he answered a question of mine I would ask him a question about his answer and he would answer that one, too. He took an eight-year-old boy seriously and answered all his questions. I felt something stirring in me then and that night I began to feel nauseous. I felt wicked and stubborn and guilty. I knew that I was an enemy of God. I knew I would not come to Him- but instead, He came to me. I knew that I would not choose Him- but instead He chose me. He opened my heart and took off the blinders from my eyes so that I could see. And when I could see, I became sick and I began to despair. I got down on my knees and I begged the Lord for mercy. I asked Him to come into my heart (I believe those were the words I chose at the time) and save me. I knew I needed to be saved. I asked Him to forgive me and take away my sins. My sins felt like a great weight upon me and I pleaded with the Lord to take them from me. I thought I would be overwhelmed and even killed. I was afraid once I could see myself a bit more like I really was. I was eight years old and I was afraid. A strange thing happened next, though- I was flooded with peace and assurance. I felt it in my bones. My skin tingled. I let out a sigh and I wept for so much- much of which I did not understand fully at the time. It was then that I first believed on the Lord Jesus Christ. Ever since then, nothing has satisfied me except Christ. Whenever I have strayed away- nothing but misery has followed me. I was bought- and there will be no resale.

Now I know hope. Now I know truth. Now I know life. This is all I desire- to study and meditate upon it- and explain to others all that I have learned- to answer all their questions that God will allow me to answer.

Goodnight

The night is not good from where I sit
And though the story may end in glory
The night is not good from where I sit.

The night is not good from where I stand
And though it may be necessary
And though it may prove to be all the difference
Still, the night is not good from where I stand.

The night is not good from where I lie
And though I may not change the night
And though I may have hope for tomorrow-
Still, the night is not good from where I lie.

All those things I've overlooked
And all those things I've let pass by
Apparently are not enough
To let a man just feel.

They tell me not to be so ruled
As if feeling was being ruled
They tell me this in irony
For I told them the same long before- and they are much more guilty of it.

And in the night I call to Him
And there are only echoes here
And I will sit within this dark
But it is not a good thing here.

An angry response is not a poor response
A feeling is just a feeling
If you want one, you get them all
And if you don't want one- you don't care- you don't want any.

The night is not good from where I sit
And though the story may end in glory
And though I may know and believe it well
Still, the night is not good from where I sit.

I want you to stop. Take a deep breath. Now, I want you to remember. A lot has happened. It may take awhile. It has not always been clear. Relax now, and remember what has transpired. Remember the good. Remember the bad. Think about what has happened. Remember...

The World And The Glass

The song, "ain't no sunshine when she's gone" is interesting if you take it seriously- which of course the songwriter most likely never intended. Seriously though, what does trust do to your attitude?

On Value Judgments

I have been thinking about some things lately. I have been wondering about the way people formulate longer arguments. It seems telling to read what a person making a case for something expects to encounter in the way of objections. I think you can sometimes learn more from how people frame the discussion than you sometimes learn from the argument itself. People do not seem to realize how much information they give up in the way they frame a discussion or argument. You tell people so much in the way you dscribe an issue. You often tell them what you think before you even get into the details of your argument. That becomes problematic if you are trying to have an "open" discussion. When you state your case- you can give away your "position" that you supposedly don't have yet because you are waiting to hear the other side. Such is life, though.

A Hard Swim To Save My Life

I did not think the sun would rise
And now I sit in darkness here
I did not think the moon would shine
And now I see the truth of fear.

I left the place I wanted most
Because I could not see the shore
And in that rocky vessel host
I began to want no more.

You were there and I have jumped
And swim like mad for the distant coast
And though I'm very tired now
I could not find a way to patch the boat.

Sink well beloved
I pray you find
The answers to that
Which you left behind.

The North Face, or Oh How The Mighty Have Fallen

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Don't ever call The North Face. This is not even one of the bad calls. I didn't even get put on hold or have to actually talk to someone who didn't want to help me. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Harry Potty?

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This is the culmination of an important round table discussion on Harry Potter and society. I think you will find it gripping.

24

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Jump Turn Magic, Kevin, Jump Turn Magic

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Harry Potter Camping?

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Exhale Played

Exhale

There is a dark cloud that sits over me
There is a cold sun that does not warm
I can feel the threat of emptiness
Embrace the dream that made me breathe.

I feel the wind stop strait away
Standing in the corridor
The air is dead and calm
All the world has stopped in expectation.

I dream a dream this very night
I am filled with the hope of pregnant dawn
The rays not yet upon my face
The wind not yet in my hair.

Together

Just some old and not so old favourites.

Some Drives Are Just Better Than Others

What Did I expect?

Have you ever done something you knew would result in something unfavourable, knew before you even did it- but still went ahead and did it anyways? Just wondering. Comment away chillun's

Flight

How hot my love does burn for you
And equal is my wrath
And which can I be trusted with
In such an aftermath?

I long as one bound fast in chains
Who yearns for light beyond the stones
While in his prison he does hum
In aching, sad, and dreary tones.

What can you do, when you have naught,
And all the world detains you here?
What can you do when all your strength
Has so quickly turned to fear?

That You Might Know Of Dowland

Some composers do not get enough air time. They write beautiful music and are forgotten by the masses. I know my readers crave beauty and a sentiment they can relate to. Here is a sample of the lyrics alone of a song by Dowland entitled, "Can She Excuse My Wrongs?" I encourage everyone to check out this composer and lend him your ear.


"Can she excuse my wrongs with Virtue's cloak?
Shall I call her good when she proves unkind?
Are those clear fires which vanish into smoke?
Must I praise the leaves where no fruit I find?

No no: where shadows do for bodies stand,
Thou may'st be abus'd if thy sight be dim.
Cold love is like to words written on sand,
Or two bubbles which on the water swim.

Wilt thou be thus abused still,
Seeing that she will right thee never?
If thou canst not o'ercome her will
Thy love will be thus fruitless ever.

Was I so base, that I might not aspire
Unto those high joys which she holds from me?
As they are high , so high is my desire:
If she this deny, what can granted be?

If she will yeld to that which reason is,
It is Reason's will that Love should be just.
Dear make me happy still by granting this,
Or cut off delays if that die I must.

Better a thousand times to die,
Than for to live thus still tormented:
Dear, but remember it was I
Who for thy sake did die contented"

Proof Of Love

When I have had my fill of love
And sit so drunk upon the sand
Filled with all that it provides
Will you leave me standing still?
And in the moment that you call
How will I begin to trust
The one who has so driven me
Into such a great despair?
I would not that any man
Be so pressed by such a one
And be so used and tossed about
Yet I have always wanted you
And no amount of sense has come to bear.
I am all alone it seems
And you are but a memory
Yet you speak of love as though you knew
As though you understood.
How may I in this dark night
See to hear your crys of love?
How may I believe your words?
What should count as proof of love,
That I might not throw reason to the wind?
You stray from me and strait away,
You claim yourself to misery
Yet when you willingly jump into
The parting way away from me,
You act surprised that truth is true.
Shall I remain true to you in dire straits?
Shall I remain true while you are here,
Elbow deep in my own guts-
Shall I remain?
I know not what shall sway me now-
Do not ask more silence from my lips
I know not what I can accept
When you have thrown me thus aside.
You cannot ask the things you do
And keep your conscience clean,
Love makes demands upon the soul
And does not count the reason cheap
Love with your mind as well, dear love
Though truth without love does not matter much
You still shall not find love apart from truth.
And will not find me at all if you persist.

A Prayer

How then now shall I at the last submit myself to your rule, oh Lord. As I grasp at wicked straws and futile dreams I am brought low by thine own hands from thy love. And I cannot in good conscience forget to scream thy wonders and mercies from the roof tops. Yet not as I would wish it- and not to assuage my heavy guilt- in your time and your way let it so be. I humbly ask thy forgiveness. Let me not be consumed by my own sins. Let not bitterness in my heart dwell with only ill effect. Praise be to you, oh Lord, the most high. You have laid me low. Praise be your name.