If Only We Could See It (#2)

You rocked me like a blood hound baying through my veins
Still tight as the high pressure shoots through like fire
My still beating heart thumps like a dull drum racing towards the desert night
And I hoped.
You made me accept good things and compliments like sweet rain on dry crops
With the dusty earth yearning for the wet drops to calm the peoples
You were my rainmaker.
You calmed me down
You quenched my dry hoarse burning throat and beat me till I said, "you're welcome"
You would not let me duck and turn and creep my way out of either good or aide.

When I needed help you told me I had to let you help me.
When you said that I was a righteous man and a wonderfull person,
You made me accept it- you would not drop it
You were persistant like a buzzing bumble bee flying close to my ear
As I swatted at you over and over- you just dodged and returned.
When I could not believe in myself
You sang sweet songs to my cautious soul
When I would not believe it,
You said it again.
When I could not accept it,
You stared me in the eyes
And overwhelmed me with your love.

But when you did not believe
I could not persuade you
When you did not accept
I could not help you as you helped me
You did not trust me
You did not honour me
You did not accept me
My love was not enough
And though you knew the struggle
You ran
You fled into the night
As I had wanted to do so many times when you pressed me.
I was not enough
You did not believe your God would want good for you-
The God who became a man,
The God who was mocked a man,
The God who was beaten a man,
The God who was murdered a man.
This God who payed so dear for the will of His Father-
This God who payed so dear for the love of the Church
This God you did not believe (though he knows the number of the hairs on your head) to have kind intentions towards you.
Not with me
Not because of me.
I was not enough (nor should I be- but you know that is not what I mean)
I could not be true.
And so you left.
What you could not abide in me
was of course most abundant in yourself
And is this not so often the case with us?
We hate in others the things we hate in ourselves the most.

And I am left my mouth agape
With the sudden wind blowing through my hair
(for you left so suddenly)
And my dull eyes, wet with tears,
Are lost to a haze of nothingness
An idle fog hangs about me like a shroud
Obscuring my last vision of you
Until I am left with nothing
But your inconcievable decision
And no explanation at all.

It is not better to struggle alone
It is not good to turn away those who would help you
It is not wise to make decisions with no reason
And if you cannot explain it to yourself
You do not have a reason
If you cannot explain it to others
You may be forgiven
But we often have what we need and even want
Hidden right in front of us
If only we could see it.