Psalm 15

"How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? forever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me? Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death; Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved. But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation. I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me." -Psalm 13 (KJV)

What is one to do in times of trial and distress if G-d is really sovereign? If the Lord really has chosen you before the foundation of the world as the scriptures say (Ephesians 1), what does an honest man think when the going gets more than just tough? What do you pray to the Lord when all of your requests seem to go unheard? What is it that you are to do when everything that you love is taken from you?

There are those, of course, who do not think that G-d is sovereign over all things. And by those, I mean there are those Christians who espouse such a belief. It is true, they usually think He is sovereign in some way or in some things- but they do not know how to reconcile His sovereignty over all things with the suffering and loss they experience right now. They think to themselves that because they do not know how to reconcile it, it must not be.

Other Christians examine their own trials and losses and think that God must still be sovereign in all things (for they are loathe to abandon such a point) and so the promises of rebirth, ressurection, and kingdom, are where they place all their hope. In fact, many in this camp abandon all hope for good in THIS life. They choose to keep a stiff upper lip, grin and bear it, and just plug on through until death- where/ when they believe, all will be made right. They do not know what to make of their sufferings here, so they pin their hopes all on something in the future.

There are other responses to be sure- and here I make no attempt to support or tear down either response mentioned. These responses do make a point, however, and that is that one cannot live well with internal tension. A man or woman who experiences pain, suffering, loss, persecution, ridicule, and heartache must try to come to terms with it. We as people (and most assuredly even more so as Christians) seek to integrate all our beliefs and actions. We seek for what Nancy Percey calls Total Truth and what Francis Schaeffer called Truth with a capital T before her. We can say a lot of things, but we cannot live a lot of the things we say.

So how do we make sense of the defeats and trials of life? The first thing we need to do is be honest with G-d. David cries, "how long wilt thou forget me, O Lord?" How many of us have gotten to the place where we cannot shout the same cry? If you want to make sense of anything, you have to own up to it. We must first be honest about how we feel. For now, I will weep as you weep and I pray that you will mourn as I mourn.

On Disagreeing With G-d

A friend of mine said to me the other day, "I do not think that G-d minds if you disagree with Him." When pressed, he bowed out due to "an obligation". Now to be fair, I am sure his girlfriend really would have taken an axe to his head if he was late to engage in a theological discussion (and this is even funnier if you know her, but I won't spoil it for you). It got me thinking though. The reason it got me thinking is that I know this friend of mine and I do not take him to be a heretic or an imbecile. He is rather smart, certainly more educated than myself, and I felt like his choice of words was trying to get at something other than the words themselves.

So what could be meant by disagreeing with G-d? What could be meant that is not theologically abhorrent, that is. I think there is behind the statement a willingness to be honest first trusting that the Lord can one, handle it, and two cares enough to have us address our theological questions honestly. This is important. While I would never say it like my friend did, I do think that there is something there. More will surely follow.

Presidential Primaries

With so many primaries being moved ahead of their usual schedule, it certainly creates some additional road blocks for any candidates who are not as well known in the public eye. Ron Paul is such a candidate. He is currently trying to raise over 400,000 dollars to pay for advertising in four states: New Hampshire, Iowa (two very important primaries of course), North Carolina, and Iowa. I wonder why primaries are being pushed sooner than usual. You can make donations on Ron Paul's website if you wish to help give him a fighting chance. Also, I would love to hear some thoughts on the primaries being pushed to earlier dates.

Words Matter

Choose your words carefully because words matter.

You know what it's like when you sit down and ask yourself an honest question? You know when you let it come out in words for the first time? When you have danced around it for so long and found ways to distract yourself or ignore the thing- when you have been avoiding it, it can come as quite a surprise.

The answer can come as a surprise too. You can live with questions for quite sometime and be so afraid to answer them honestly that... well, that a lot of things can happen that you really did not want to. But you thought you were protecting yourself, right? Well, protecting yourself is one thing. Building up emotional walls to do it is quite another.

I have long been avoiding a question. I have even longer been avoiding the answer. You know, I really thought I was doing the smart thing. People would sometimes think that I was keeping them at a distance, keeping them out, if you will. They would try and make some plea for me to open up. If it was a girlfriend, it would be an emotional plea- and it would not work at all. If it was from a friend, they would try and guess what the cause of my precautions were and usually get it wrong. Either way, they never really got through to me.

You know what did get through to me? A good argument from a credible source. That is what has given me pause. That is what has given me a reason to begin to dismantle my walls brick by brick. I got a good argument from a credible source. That is what G-d used to get through to me.

In this war that I wage against the most difficult of enemies, myself, I have seen a great victory. Praise the Lord, for it came through reason. He is the source of reason; He is the source of this freedom, this victory. Brick by brick. Stone by stone. Step by step.

The thing is, all the hard times, everything that stretched me, all the things I had to work for to try and love you and get through to you and make you feel loved- all those things were good for me. All that work was good for me. You were good for me. My relationship with God got better from being with you. Part of me would love to just say bad things. I would like to say that it was awful and that you were terrible and that the time was a waste... but I can't. You are beautiful and amazing. You are kind and compassionate. It still hurts that you left. It hurts because I lost something good. It hurts because there was something to lose. And good reasons are good both to have and to know and to be able to explain.

And all was dark that day
And we could not see the sun
And death walked among us
And we were furious in our tears
We were angry in our heartache
May God protect them if we ever find them
May God grant us forgiving hearts.

Happy Tonight

I envy you who are not surprised to find yourselves happy. I have laboured hard and joy has only been in Christ, but I have not been anything but melencholy and I still am surprised by joy every time. So today, this night, I thank the Lord who has brought joy and peace to me. Brick by brick, stone by stone, step by step. Tonight I am happy. I am many other things as well- and I feel many other things as well. I am, however (and this surprisingly), happy tonight. So I will say a few things in my happiness:

Find what you are looking for Sarah, and don't think that I hate you. Be well mama. Do not give up Clif. Do not forget your first love Matt. I miss you Doug. I miss you Mike. I miss you dad. Do not forsake meeting together Highline. God bless you and your family Irish. Be wise George. Find Jesus Lily, Eva, and Forest. And to my best friends- first, don't you dare. Second, listen to your wife every once in awhile. To all my friends, close and not so close- I love you all. May the peace of God come to you when it is right.

Minor Correction to a Paper You Will Probably Never Read

So I was reading a copy of my delightful school newspaper today when I noticed that not only did they quote me, but they misquoted me. I think to myself about how insignificant the problem is and I wonder if perhaps I could just let this one go. The truth of the matter is that the wall can go from dead to jam-packed full of people and back to dead again on a regular basis. Also there may or may not be an increase in usage. But I will say this, yes the wall really is amazing.

A Note For Monday

This is not my usual sort of fair, however I think the poem speaks well of a truth that I neglect so often. I apologize to the author if the spacing of the poem does not work out. I have not mastered the finer points of blogging yet. Please forgive me. Everyone else- think on this:

"In Blocking off what hurts
us, we think we are
walling ourselves off from
pain. But in the long
run, the wall, which prevents
growth, hurts us more than the
pain which, if we will only
bear it, soon passes over us.
Washes over us and is
gone. Long will we remember
pain, but the pain itself, as
it was at the
point of intensity that made
us feel as if we must
die of it, eventually
vanishes. Our memory of
it becomes only a
trace.
Walls remain. They grow
moss. They are difficult barriers
to cross, to get to others,
to get to closed-down
parts of ourselves."

-Alice Walker

Yes, He Is Dangerous

You know I wish I didn't still love you,
Or do I?
I dance around the feelings so much
But now I have grown tired
The simple truth is not always hard to understand
But often hard to swallow.

Did you know that I dream sometimes?
The air grows still
And thick the silence waits
With all my powers now so lost
And unto Him I pray.

Do not cast me aside
Do not throw me away
All the times I have been wrong
And now I drown in it.

I cannot stop the feeling
And so perhaps now I will stop the trying
And let it wash over me-
My love for you,
And all that regret...

I am here and stone by stone
I let it in and let it out
And all the things I kept inside
Slowly wet the earth with tears
And drown the ground with my blood
As every wall comes down.

Do I lay dying?
Or do I near a rebirth of things I thought long broken?
I miss the sound that soothed my heart
I miss the touch that calmed the beast-
And now though it may be to late...
I will let him out.

Ron Paul

I was coming out of the gym today after a workout when I ran into a man who was handing out flyers. Much to my suprise, the flyers were for Ron Paul. And here I thought I was alone in my support for Dr. Paul's presidential campaign way here up north. I was encouraged. Ron Paul for president.

"Sheep Go To Heaven"

"I'm not feeling alright today. I'm not feeling that great. I'm not catching on fire today. Love has started to fade." -Cake

Ever wonder why it is that you have not heard about something that you ernestly desired to hear about? Ever think to yourself, "hey, what's going on here?" Well, silence is the thing that seems to drive the moderns crazy most. Makes it hard to hear commands like:

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

Makes it all the more important. Sometimes you just want to shake something. Sometimes you just want to forget. Sometimes you just want to feel something else. Sometimes you just want it to stop. Be still.

The lillys fell that winter
And all was bathed in fire
And now the cherry trees are gone
And in my tears I am still
In the memory of beauty that has fled
I must be still.

The Ibex I Saw

The stars are out. It's not too cold. It's really pretty tonight. I saw a purple hoody today. I really wanted to buy it for you. There was no one there to slap me. It would have looked good on you. Suprisingly soft for wool. The night sky has been transformed into the heavens again. With the dark. Through the stars. They move through the night. When you struggle like this- the language of letting go or holding on really does come to mind. It seems horribly misleading and inaccurate- but it just jumps to your lips as you grope for words to express...

So many things to do or say- yet this one demands that I confront it now. This one refuses to be pushed aside. This one will not wait, will not rest on the back-burner. I have homework I say- angry silence (and this from myself). I have bills to pay- more of the same. I have friends to call back- not now, you don't. I will be heard- you will not not deal with me anymore. Oh, and to insure this- I will be felt. You will feel me and you will not stop feeling me until you have resolution- until you make resolution. I will force you to find it (and I can almost hear myself saying this); you will feel yourself.

I'm so glad I am starting to heal. One brick at a time. Skiing this winter, Lord-willing. The snow has already started. The ice is outside. New ice-tools, definately new ice-tools. But even as I begin to do what it is that I was made to do once again- still I know that I am changed. I will never be able to ignore myself the way I once did. This is going to get so messy. But why dip my toes?

This Is Not For Everyone

"But I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"

It is snowing right now.
But you are not here.
Did I send you away?

The library is quiet
But I cannot hear your voice
Did you run from me?

The coffee is hot
But it does not fill.
But did I make you think that you were there to fill me up?

Hours turned to days
Days turned to weeks
Weeks turned to months.

No great loss I told myself
But that did not explain
And you know how I like explanations.

"Hiding from me," you said
"Protecting you," you said I said.
You may care if I said it, but I only care if I believed it.

What is the truth?
There is a Christian way to see this,
And all knowledge that is true must be true in Christ.

And they will think I just said that,
Off-handedly,
As if I did not labour with great pain for just such a phrase.

Praise be to our creator
And thanks be to Him for His providence,
Who works all things.

Wednesday

"Better a thousand times to die, than for to live thus still tormented"
-John Dowland

One brick at a time. One rock at a time. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Just take your last step; then take your last step again. I regret. I have a hard time lying to myself- so I have to hide from myself instead. There are hard ways to deal with hard feelings. Sometimes you just cannot take it back. This time, I cannot, I want to, but I probably should not. If I probably should not, I probably should not want to. Wants are not the slaves of the mind, however (though I might wish it so). Hard days. Easy days. One brick at a time.

I dislike being blinded to my own culpability in things. Others do not always think to point it out, however- and even when they do, not always very well or effectively. All things are possible with G-d. The story is not over. I may wish it to be (thinking that if it was over, I would 'get on with it'). I do not determine my steps. Be well and forgive me. I do not forget. I do not brush aside like dust. May the Lord cause His own wisdom to hold sway in our hearts and minds.

And Then I Was Mad

You know, one struggles to find the words to express a feeling sometimes. You think you have it, but then you don't. You think you want to share it, but then you can't. You think it is simple, but then it isn't, or it turns out to be really hard. What do you say to your heart when it rails against your head? Who wins when there is conflict? I wonder a lot about the way things end up. I find it hard to trace them sometimes. Some people are so confident about their explanations of how things ended up the way they did, they fail to stop and realize that they might be wrong- or it might be important to think about things as they are first, and how they got that way second. This is often the way I see the war- but I don't suppose that you see it that way, do you?

24

24 is an amazing show. It caters to the high and low-brow audience. It deals in politics, love, grief, ethics, political philosophy, leadership, hard decisions, forgiveness, gun-fights, car-chases, and so much more. I wouldn't tell anyone to bring the kids- but it is far more than just a wild ride.

Weekend Interlude

I saw Dr. Toon this morning speak on the topic of Justification by faith alone. The formal response from the other speaker was "I agree", which made the response not a very interesting response. All in all, though- it is always good to see Dr. Toon.

Battle III

"He who hates me hates my Father also. If I had not done among them the works which no one else did, they would have no sin; but now they have seen and also hated both Me and my Father. But this happened that the word might be fufilled which is written in their law, 'They have hated Me without a cause.' But when the Helper comes, whom I shall send to you from the Father, He will testify of Me. And you also will bear witness, because you have been with me from the beginning. These things I have spoken to you, that you should not be made to stumble. They will put you out of the synagogues; yes, the time is coming that whoever kills you will think that he offers God service. And these things they will do to you because they have not known the Father nor me." -John 15:23-16:3

At times, a Christian may encounter friendliness and acceptence from the world. Sometimes this is because the Christian is not behaving or speaking in a manner consistent with his own professed faith. Sometimes this is because the Lord is going before the Christian and is moving people to respond kindly to them. As Jesus warns his disciples here, however, the world will often hate the Christian. They will seek to kill the Christian. They will throw the Christian out of town and ostracize him. Christians will be excommunicated. This proved true for all of the disciples. This proved true for so many of the disciples' disciples. This has been the case throuought history. The blood of the Martyrs of the Christian Church cries out not in a tiny whisper- but in a deafening roar. Jesus told His disciples in order to prepare them so that when they met resistance of all kinds they would not stumble. Do not be surprised when health, wealth, and prosperity does not come to you with your Christian faith. The whole Church has been warned- and that for a reason.

Battle II

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." -Ephesians 6:12,13

I sometimes feel that I am lulled into a false sense of ease (not security) in the Church here in the United States. I do not always have it in my mind that I have to withstand anything. I sometimes get the mistaken impression that if temptation is tempting, that something is wrong with me. I do not often think that I should suit up, when I prepare for the day. I do not often think that I am going to be attacked. But why is that? It certainly is not an impression that you can get from reading the Bible. Ease and safety have not been promised to the Church in this life. War has.

Battle I

Growing up in the Church, I often sang a song that had the line, "In heavenly armour we'll enter the land/ The battle belongs to the Lord/ No weapon that's fashioned against us will stand/ The battle belongs to the Lord..." This theme of battle has always jived with my Christian worldview- with my Christian metaphysic, more specifically. I have had a somewhat hard time in the easiest place to live on earth. To imagine this as a battle is no stretch at all.

When you feel abandoned, it can feel like a fight to do everything. It is no small thing that Christ has not abandoned me or you. And no small thing that the imagery is there in the Word.

Bad Examples

I was recently reading a copy of "The Commission" (a Southern Baptist magazine on missions). In it was an article about a young eastern european convert who had a possibility to play for his national soccer team. After he converted he decided that soccer was his idol and that in order to really follow Christ he was going to have to give up his chances at a professional career. I do not know this individual and it may be that in his case that that was a great decision. That is why I have not directly quoted and have been vague about the event. I am not interested in criticizing that particular person for his decision that I know nothing (directly) about.

However, the attitude that if you really love Jesus, something that you are really good at and takes up a lot (or even most) of your time is a bad thing or an idol... that is garbage. If you are good at something and you like it, well, there just is not much of a decision (again we are not concerned with the above mentioned individual case). What I do not like is when people hold this sort of example up as an example for others to follow. "... but G-d made me fast..." comes to mind (from "Chariots of Fire") as a more appropriate response.

Every believer should understand that G-d does not need them in the strictest sense. So He does not need a professional soccer player- and He does not need another missionary- and He does not need another Christian. Everyone of us was made a certain way and if you have certain talents and desires, you should think twice before you throw them to the wind.

I Am Back