A Prayer To My God

After you destroy me
After I die
Please revive me
And make me to fly.

After you break my bones
and drown me in the sea
please lift me up
And give life to me.

After my body is stretched upon the rack
And all my bones are ground to dust
Please make me live
And cause me to trust.

After you beat me
And I am at my end
Please wake me from this nightmare
And cause me to dream again.

After the hordes surround me
And I am crushed to the earth
Please visit your breath upon me
And tell me of my birth.

I despair, no victory
And hope has fled my sight
Slay me Lord I am your slave
In hope, or in this night.

I cannot create in myself what I need
It does not exist within
Truth is not from within
I cannot save myself- especially not from myself
All toil and song
has lead me this long
and now the darkness I do see
and see that it is inside of me
The world seems lost and fading fast
And on its way strait down to hell
and dragging children down with it
as they clap and sing.

Here inside I feel the weight
The loss is heavy on my brow
The hope seems far
How long oh Lord?
I will toil
And I will trouble
And for my labours
My pain will double.

You who seek a way to light
Are better off than you think
It is those who do not see the dark
That stand upon the very brink.

You who seek a way to truth
Are better off than you know
And in despair your voice may rise
To heights in health you'd never throw.

Heavy sits the cold hard truth
On the backs of average men
And when the stones cry out to God
The time is lost and past again.

On the Allure of Being Understood

Have you ever wanted to be understood? Have you ever felt like you were not? Does the desire for being understood really also contain a desire to be accepted? It is possible to be accepted without being understood. It is possible to be loved without being understood. It is possible to have loyal friends and lovers who do not understand you. It is possible to be cared for by those who do not understand you. Why, then, is being understood so alluring? Why is the idea of it so intoxicating? It seems as if you could live your whole life without it, but it seems like most of us do not want to live our whole life without it. Why is that?

We also have to ask ourselves what we mean by "understood". Do we wish to be accurately profiled? Do we wish to be predictable to someone? Do we want someone to be able to finish our sentances? It seems like these things are not what we mean by "understood"- or at least they are not the full description of what we desire. It seems, actually, as if a person could spend enough time with us to be able to predict what we are going to do and finish our sentances, and the like- but still not really understand us.

So what is the allure of being understood? What do we really want?

On Other gods

I have seen them running in the dust
And in the dust they have died
And all they praised in ease
Was no comfort in hardship.

There was a time of light
A time far away from the night
And there was a time of hope
And now this time is a distant thing.

The cloud that trails their fleeing steps
Obscures the ground soaked with the sweat of their fear
And all their boasting has come to naught
This I tell you will come to pass.

On Veterans

Today and tomorrow we should consider our veterans. Does America have the right or obligation to police the world? That does not matter for this particular day. We can talk about that on sunday. Today and tomorrow, we as Americans should honour the dead and honour the living- those who have served. Many have paid the price that keeps them from any dialogue in the service of this country. Many have suffered. Many have fallen. My brothers, my sisters, I salute you. We are not worthy of your sacrifice- yet you have given it. Many have betrayed what you have done- yet you have died for us. Many have no understanding of service at all- yet you have given your lives for us. Those who are dead, those who are living- we salute you. May God have mercy upon you and show you the light of His salvation.

To Doug, who I will never climb with again

I am sorry that you had to leave. I am sorry that you were taken from us. I will never forget watching you deck in your mom's harness. I will never forget. I cannot buy you a beer when you get home now. I cannot tell you about the glory of God, now. I will never get to belay you again. I will never get to see you climb again. I will never get to see you fall again. I will never get to see you get back up again. I cried when I listened to the voice-mail from Liza. I cried a lot more when I was by the ocean in Boston. The waves kept crashing on the shore as the tide came in in the dark night. I wanted to be mad at God. But He was not the one. I wanted to be mad at someone- but looking for some scapegoat seemed so hollow. "Why did you have to go?" I asked myself. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away- may the name of the Lord be praised. I miss you Doug. I miss you. Goodbye Doug.

Coloured Blue

I have seen them in the wake and never have I rode it through
And as I fall beneath the waves
I see the world completely blue
And coloured by this failure make
The rest of life a living hell
As I drown beneath the waves
I give up the light that filters down.

Pressing On...

When a goal is in view- waste may be cut and the fall may be taken. Great hardships may be endured if the goal is in mind. When there is a goal. When there is a goal. Without a goal, the easy seems hard. The hard seems impossible. And nothing really seems to matter, anyways. There is a goal in life. There is a goal in your life. There are many stages and levels of goals that make goals possible. Pressing on... towards what? You may ask yourself what you work for. You may ignore the question for a long time. But really, you need to know. You burn with the desire for it. You want a goal, you need a goal. If you don't find one already in play you may just make one up for yourself. What is a goal? What is your goal? What is my goal? Pressing on...

On The Edge of The World I Found It- On The Diving Board I Felt It.

I have journeyed to the edge of the world
And up above the diving board
And there I found peace-
But it was not there at the edge of the world
It was not there on the diving board
That is merely where it came to me
That is merely the place I was when He made it known.
And oh how I have wandered far from that place
But it was not the place
So peace may return - even here.
Peace may return amidst the din and press about me
Peace may indeed return-
For no longer is it found in any place.

In This Dark Cell

I know not what the angel speaks
Or where must be this place of love
But somewhere hidden deep below,
A light shines through above.

I whisper softly for the light
And hear the faintest call respond
But I am hard upon the stone
This prison will not have me long.

For I will die upon the floor
Deep within this well of fear
And with the aching of my heart
Will call to one who is so dear.

Psalm 124

"'If it had not been the Lord who was on our side,'
Let Israel now say-
'If it had not been the Lord who was on our side,
When men rose up against us,
Then they would have
swallowed us alive,
When their wrath was kindled against us;
Then the waters would have overwhelmed us,
The stream would have gone over our soul;
Then the swollen waters would have gone over our soul.'

Blessed be the Lord,
Who has not given us as prey to their teeth.
Our soul has escaped as a bird from the snare of the fowlers;
The snare is broken,
and we have escaped.
Our help is in the name of the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth."

(Psalm 124, NKJV)

The Death of Something

The great ones of this age
And their parroting disciples
Have told me I have no foundation.

They have told me that my light is a lie
They have told me I am lost without their truth.
They have told me I should doubt everything.

I have lost my grip on what was solid
I am carried by the great waves
The great waves in the stormy sea.

They have thrown me to my death
And I have jumped with them
And they claim knowledge as we all drown.

In a dark night on a wet sea
The waves are too big to swim against
Except for the monsters that move in the dark waters around and beneath us.

Who has drowned in hope?
Who has died in vain?
Where is the innocent punished?

This life is mean
This world is sick
And it sees only lies.

On Metaphor

You know, I've always thought that climbing was a great metaphor for life. But I've recently come to accept that there is an important difference between the two that fuzzies the analogy. That difference (of course) is that climbing is a lot simpler than life. Oh, and it's easier- definately easier. While I may appreciate that the simpler side of climbing makes for easy illustrations that are cut and dry- I still find myself not quite able to make decisions in life as easily as I can in climbing. Do I go on? Do I turn around? Do I wait? These are all questions that make great life metaphors and they are questions I have to ask every time I go into the mountains. The thing is, while it seems easy to say that life is like this or that aspect of climbing- it seems difficult to say that climbing is like this or that aspect of life. Well maybe the thing that makes it an easy metaphor is the thing that bothers me the most. Metaphors are always limited. Life never seems to be.

On Surprise

I have often wondered why it is that I am surprised when the Bible is proved right by my experience. I really should just nod like my Jewish friends from Brooklyn as if I expected it- but sometimes I don't.

The Problem at the First

Have you ever wanted to give up when you know that you did not have to? Have you ever given up when you know you did not have to? It seems an interesting phenomenon, giving up, calling it quits, whatever you want to call it. I think that a person often knows when they were defeated and when they gave up and defeated themselves- both involve failure, but both have very different feelings. One feels like a war with something outside of yourself and one feels like a war with self. But why would you war against yourself?

What Do You Want?

While waiting I have lost the trail
And in the mists I that cut through time
I feel the latent power growing
Spilling out and taking mine.

The seas cut rough upon the bow
And Light the caps do dance on shore
We sail the world to find something
But always wanting something more.

Let light cut through the darkness thick
And find the hidden treasure there
For when we search among the seas
We risk the pains we fear to bare.

Who Cries To Save This Place?

I am homeless
I am bereft
I hear choirs of angels
And that is all that keeps me standing.

I despair of this world
I have failed in it.
It has beaten me badly,
But I hear choirs of angels.

I have grown to hate this place
Bereft of justice
Bereft of mercy
And this place is not my home.

What would I cry for?
Why would I scream for rain?
Here in this barren desert...
When I could scream to be taken from here.

I hear singing now here in this dark valley
I can feel the vibrations
And harmonies
And I hear the beat of angel's wings.

And so I will lift up my eyes.
And so I will not cry to the heavens.
I will rather sing and play
That my prayers may fill the golden bowls in heaven.

On Love and English

Be still my heart which beats this slow
For I would speak to you of love
And listen please amidst the din
And fix your eyes above.

I hear the voice of Him who calls
And what He says I would relate
Be still my heart which beats so slow
And see the glow of heaven's gate.

You have a choice and it is yours
But you are not your own
And in this time when kings of men
make violence for their throne-

You will be tested sore and true
And must rely not on yourself
To love another you must decide
And this must be within yourself.

You need that love that you must give
And they shall know you true
When of yourself you give it free-
I wish so much to do.

The feelings follow the acts of right
And follow your acts of wrong
And whether or not you see the fight
This day will be quite long.

To be in love is quite a thing
To give of love is so much more
And when the first is long gone by
The second holds much in store.

On Loving Someone

So it is telling the words people use when they are unhappy in a relationship. It is a travesty how many people pass each other by and give up all because they do not understand and communicate to each other appropriately and effectively. When you say that different people experience feeling loved in different ways it does not sound too weird- it makes sense to most people. If they think about it, they may even come to feel that it is an obvious truth. Yet so many have not thought through what this means in their own relationships. I know I did not consider this much at all. I know that I usually did for my girlfriends what I wanted them to do for me. I suppose it is not completely irresponsible if I did not know what made a particular girlfriend feel loved to act as a default this way- but for some reason it never occured to me to ask. That was stupid of me.
I mean, I know that I cannot change the past (oh, how I know it), but wow, how many times did I come so close to applying this idea to a relationship and not do it. If you know that your girlfriend wants to sit on the couch and have you look her in the eye and talk to her about whatever it is that she wants you to talk with her about- why would you not just do it- I mean you like the girl presumably? It does not matter if it is easy for you to sit and talk or touch or give her things, or cook for her (you could even be an awful cook), or tell her she is wonderful- if you know she wants that, if you know that that makes her feel loved- why wouldn't you do any one or more of those things? I mean, as a guy, if I knew that I had to change the starter on a car and what I really wanted to do was change the starter on my car- I wouldn't go buy a metric tool set to do the job if the car was filled with english sized hardware. I don't care if one is more expensive than the other, or if one is only available two towns over- if I want to change the starter on my car and I do not have the right tools, I'm not going to use the wrong ones just because it's easier or it comes more naturally for me. I am going to use the right ones. In the same way, how many times have I told a girl she was pretty who just wanted me to sit and talk with her. And also how many times has a girl said nice things about me over and over again when all she really needed to do was give me a back rub and cook me dinner and I would have been her manslave forever- even if she told me I was an idiot everyday.
When people feel loved, they can do a whole lot of things they can't when they don't feel loved. When people feel loved they can put up and get through all sorts of hardships that would wreck them if they did not feel loved. I say thank God for love. Thank Gary Chapman for his book. And also thank you Doctor, for the reccomendation.

Colours

Who has known this time before?
That speaks to saints and men
And who has laughed amidst their fear?
Knowing they would win.

I have gone so deep inside
And comforted the beast
But when he roars I still shake
And run to fetch the priest.

Where I go to see the wound
The lights have never been
And in the dark and secret cave
It reeks of pain and sin.

The carnage there will dull the mind
And fill it full with fear
And no one goes so deep inside
Without the Christ so dear.

For in the cave the beast does wait
Waiting to be free
And when he's loosed upon the world
What will become of me?

On The Kimberlys

I talked (or should I say laughed) with an Australian woman today who was up in Alaska doing research on a duck that looks like a clown (at least the males do). She said she was going to do more research back in Australia. I would like to personally thank her for laughing at all my jokes. I hope I wasn't too much and that we didn't dwell too long in the gutter. I would also like to thank the Lord for the respite (brief though it may be). I appreciate it. Thank you both.

Though long the day and dark the night
And though I feel I've lost
When 'ere the last hour comes around
Someone takes the cost.

And when I think my strength will fail
And I cannot go on
You, my Lord, are strong to me
And sing to me my song.

I search the world and scour the seas
And find not one true boon
But when I fall upon my knees
You sing to me the moon.

On Messages

Who wants to live forever? Those who are happy. Who wants to die? Those who think it will ease their pain. Who wants to feel alive? Those too close to death feel the light of the sun- Even as it beats hard upon them at noon. Their is a great tension between life and death and line between hope and despair is sometimes very thin. Sometimes we say what we mean. Sometimes we say what we want. Sometimes we keep both to ourselves. Sometimes we don't when we should. I will live forever. This is but a blink.

In Christ Alone I Stand Or Fall

In Christ alone I stand or fall
Though misery assaults me long
In Christ alone I stand or fall
And lift my voice to sing His song.

In Christ alone I live or die
And I would die this day
In Christ alone I reach the sky
As I strive and fail and pray.

In Christ alone my heart beats true
Steady as she goes
The rythm is the body does
And only Jesus knows.

In Christ alone I stand or fall
Though weary I press on
And though my flesh is breaking down
He carries my spirit on.

The Past

They pass me every day I wake
Here and there the ghosts I see
And though I sometimes wish they'd leave
Our meetings always seem to be.

They haunt me when I want to smile
And whisper when I try to rest
And though I really whish they'd stop
Sometimes it seems it's for the best.

The wraiths I see are burned inside
And I can't make them go
And though they hurt and though they scare
It's seeds of life they sow.

Remembering

This poem has no title. I wrote it when I was twelve or thirteen years old.

The moon shone bright in full glory on midsummer night's eve
Stars lit up the sky, far too numerous to believe
And I wore a painful smile
My heart was torn in two
The soldiers marched mile after mile
Leaving a dust cloud and a marred image of you
I heard your voice call my name
And turned only to glimpse a fleeting dove
I fell to my knees
Tears streamed down my face
Now I am wet, cold, and alone.

On Climbing

I was out climbing with Ben and Terry and I noticed that the undescribable things are the things I was drawn to. How do you tell someone who is not a climber what a perfect day climbing is like? More important still, how do you communicate things that you have trouble describing to yourself to those you love and care about?

There are reasons for everything. There are those who doubt causality with their lips- but I have yet to meet a man who doubts it with his heart. Yet we have limited knowledge and we still must make many decisions every day for we are free (a topic for another time, perhaps). Our decisions effect those around us even when it is not as obvious. Yet what do we base those decisions upon?

How many times have you done something and thought to yourself, "why did I just do that? I did not want to do that but I did it anyways." or "I really should have done that, and I really wanted to, but I did not- what was I thinking? Was I?" The apostle Paul speaks of this in his letter to the church of Rome and I wonder how it is we so easily "justify" things sometimes.

A Brief Time

This too will pass
This body of mine
While you are gone
I may not be fine
But when you return
It will be made well
And here while I wait
I can tell-
This is harder than it seems
This is not so complicated
I have seen it in my dreams
I have seen it is berated
As we suffer here on earth
Please forgive my spirit's dearth
Though it starves a little while
Yet in glory will it feed the mile.

This day I Would Not See

The Lord protect me and keep me through these times. I think I would not choose this day. Yet this may be the most important day I have ever lived on this earth. Let the heavens rain down their mercy upon me. Let the strength of my creator fill me. I would not ask to live this day. I would not seek for it as I have for other things. I have loved you Lord for many years and you have surely loved me more. I would not search for this day unless I sought it to navigate around it. You are holy on your throne, oh Lord. Let me be silent before you- but not yet, there is still a lot of wailing to do. Let me look forward to the day of redemption- but know that you have made this day from eternity. I salute you my captain. Here and now I look to you. My heart is sick and I feel as though death waits for me close by. You are my strength when I am weak. I am weak, Lord. I am weak.

Today and the Judgement, Baby

So Here I am, thinking on the words of one of my fathers. Two days. Let it be. Come Lord.

Here Lies the Body

Here lies the body of one man down
Waiting for its redemption crown
Rotting while it goes to work
Spirit troubled with duties shirked
As the people pass it by
The children scream and wonder why-
A body comes to rest by and by-
Just why is it a body has to die?
Was it living was it dead
Was it ever more than just a head?
What will happen later on
What will happen when it is gone?
Here lies the body, its soul not at rest
Waiting for the coming, to rise up with the rest.

Alien

Deep in the bosom of eternal light
Far from the darkness flowing here
Lies the mansion of delight
And rooms prepared by one so dear.

High in the heavens is my home
Far from the wreckage rotting here
A kingdom with a King upon its throne
And creatures bowing low in fear.

Low in the valley here I wait
Far from Land and Home
Marching with a heavy weight
Under starry dome.

Remember

It's been so long since I've run free
A slave in birth, a slave I die
It's been so long since I've been free
And I do not remember why.

It's been so long since I've seen sky
Trapped beneath my flesh I lie
It's been so long since I've seen sky
And I do not know just how to fly.

It's been so long since I've stood up
And now my load is piled high
It's been so long since I've stood strait
And now it burdens me to die.

It's been so long since I've been whole
The pieces seem all of me
It's been so long since I've been whole
I feel broken from eternity.

It's been so long since I've been strong
I forget just how to call
It's been so long since I've been strong
I don't remember it at all.

Rouse Him- He is needed now and in the hour of my death

Who has heard it in the night?
Who has heard the shots?
We die while they debate,
And we die while we wait.

But we have hope
And we hold fast
And when we fall
We'll be home at last.

I dream a dream
While the world tears apart
I dream a dream
With the pieces of my heart
I dream a dream
And faith holds me sure
I dream a dream
For His blood has made me pure.

Those we wait on as we sink
And those we hope for in the fight
May they know better than ourselves
As we drown waiting for their light
May we not spurn them in their fear
For we ourselves have been afraid
May we not spurn them in our fear
For God, our hope through Christ has made.

Teach me now and in the hour of my death
Awake my spirit deep inside
Fill me with your holy breath
And let the lion come outside

The beast is noble
The beast is hurt
The beast is raging
In the dirt

In this prison He has lain
And paced about with aching fear
And now the time for him to gain
The freedom that we hold so dear.

I sit and wait for you are worth it
And though I may not ever win
I feel the beast begin to stir
The lion Christ has put within.

He Has Gone Before Me

Who has seen the early mists
As the dawn was want to come
And in that hour before the sun
The way is made before.

"I am but a worm I said"
But you were quick to scorn
And in your quiet voice you yelled,
"The way was made before".

With the passing of the dark
And with the dying of my death
I glimpse the shores where gold is paved
For the way is made before.

And here it is I find myself
And dare I hope to breathe clean air
And let the lion out the cage
For the way is made before

To Him Whose Light Shines in the Darkness

This is a simple song that I wrote with simple chords for the guitar. Sing at will.

G
Sweeter joy I've never known
C
Than in the pain and in the storm
G
Looking back it's all I see
C
The times when you were close to me.

Now I know they were not gay
But the peace I've found in harder days
Is better than the sweetest time
And I praise the Lord for He is mine.

Chorus
F Am
He is mine I am His
Em
I bow before His throne
F Am
He is mine I am His
C G
And I pray to Him alone.

Never in the darkest nights
Did I see a brighter light
Than the one that shone from Him
Christ my Lord who washed my sin

Even when all about was gray
I could feel my Lord would stay
At the turning of the hour
I have felt a holy power

He is mine I am His
I bow before His throne
He is mine I am His
And I pray to Him alone.

On The Law

Have you ever wondered why you think that God is arbitrary but just don't want to say it? I mean, do you not want to say it because you are scared you are right, or because you know you are wrong? Or is it something else?

He Is Being Taken

They take in their feed
They drink down their fill
And off to the tavern
They go for a swill.

Dancing and drinking
The night grows short
And those who stand shorter
Make for good sport.

So here in the badlands
Where dust and wind blow
Young souls are dying
They do as they're told.

On Family

I have to say that I have really been blessed by my family. There is something about coming from somewhere and belonging to something that family provides. This je ne sais quoi is an important bond that holds a person together. If a person is without this bond they will seek to find it in others. And it is right and good to make friends good enough that you consider them part of your family. Let me not forget the beauty and importance of family.

Drink Down the Night

They accuse you with their eyes
And hurl insults with their stares
As you pass them by in the streets
You can feel they do not care.

They would that you had died
And there is nothing you can do
Stuck and your hands are tied
Finished and you are through

You walk the night a stranger
All about is gay
You feel this night a stranger
And wait for other days

All about the party
All about they hide
They look at you a begger
Though their aching souls confide

Drink down the night
And swallow up the moon
Drink it down until first light
And take your hollow boon.

They hate you because the sickness
That is in their own hearts now
Is visible to everyone
Upon your weary brow.

End Trip

We ended our trip over spring break with no climbing, one injury, and several trips to and from fairbanks in what was origionally intended to be one long uninterupted trip. But at least we had the moonlight.

Making Camp

We didn't make it all the way to the hut the first day so we made a camp on the glacier about five miles from the road (ish). We set up the bibler and went to sleep as it was rapidly getting freezingly cold. We had a wonderfully romantic candle light dinner before bed.

Leaving the Car

We headed out on skis towards the Thayer Hut. We had to mess with bindings and skins a bit- but we are both relatively new to skis and mountaineering- so it was a good learning experience.

Arrival

We arrived at the Castner Creek Sunday afternoon (don't ask why it was so late- I just don't want to talk about it) and Frank Olive actually saw us leaving as he was heading back to town. The weather was gorgeous and there was just not a cloud in the sky.

Spring Break Continued

So after the trip to the bear in delta we continued on our way further south

The Bear

We made it down on sunday and paid our respects to the Bear.

Doubly Exposed

A couple of weeks ago Ben and I went to go climb a mountain.

We stopped at the IGA in Delta Junction on the way down to see the bear.

Sweet Chariot of the Lord

Swing low, sweet chariot
Oh Lord how I long to go home
Swing low, oh sweet chariot
Lord please carry me home
Do not put me down, do not take me out-
Oh Lord, please carry me home
Set my feet upon the rock, Oh Lord,
Oh Lord please carry me home
Pick me up out of the pit-
Oh Lord, please carry me home
Swing low, Lord, swing low
For that is where I am found
You are high, and I am low
Low upon the ground
Do not remove me, do not destroy me
Remember your covenant
Remember your Son
Do not withold your rebuke, Oh Lord
I am in your hands.
Swing low with your mighty chariot, my Lord
Come and carry me home
Do not deny me your instruction
Do not withold your love
Though you are fierce in anger
You will not break your covenant
For you are the Lord
And you have sworn by your own name.

Remove from me my shame oh Lord
Whether in comfort or in fire
Rip the scales from off my flesh
And embolden my desire.

As far as the east is from the west-
So make my sin from thee
As far as the east is from the west-
So make my sin from me.

Swing low, sweet chariot
Come and carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot
Oh Lord, show me the way back home.

Fo' Life

Yes, fo' Life

An Error In Estimation

So here I am. I am thinking of the great burdens that weigh upon me. I am certainly loaded down. And I have a sneaking suspicion that I am in error about something or some things. I know that I cannot deny the truths I read in scripture. I know that I do not know them all. Ignorance may account for some errors, then- but I do not think them all to be accounted for by a lack of stumbling upon a particular passage.
I think that there is a lot to digest and take in. I am a bit overwhelmed, perhaps- but the Lord will see me through. He will give me wisdom and discernment. Praise be the name of the Lord.

Where did I start? Where did I begin?

That day I knew something was wrong.
That day I knew it was over
That day I woke up with regret
That day my soul broke
It broke before the fall
It broke before the blow
It broke before the sin
Those would come
My soul saw this and it gave way and fell to pieces
Scattered about the earth.
I have never been the same since then- but it was not the first time...

It was wrong.
I knew it was.
No one ever told me
I just knew it deep down inside.
No one ever warned me
And now I was guilty
I knew a law had been broken
I knew I had been broken.
Life was now a sentance of death
To be carried out upon my rotting carcass
And it did not even make me feel better
- What I had done that is-
Only guilty, only ashamed.
I was born in sin- and it seemed so too would I die in it.
But that was not the first, either.

She came to me that day.
It was cool-
Maybe it was cold.
I remember the wind in my face
I remember the grass in front of the school sloping down the short hill
I remember the cloudy sky
I remember the faded brick of the building
I remember the leaves rustling fiercly
The colour of the asphalt
The sound of the cars-
Not many cars
For she came for me early
And I didn't have to walk
I always walked
We took a cab home
We never took a cab home
I always walked.
It was yellow
And even now I tell you through tears
I saw something in her eyes
She looked so guilty
She looked so hurt
She looked like she was overwhelmed and did not know what to do or say
But if she was overwhelmed...
What was I to do?
How could I have more strength than her?
Yet I must
I must
I had to
I had to be strong
Aparently this was how life was to be
She told me quickly and we got in the back seat of the cab
The seat was vinyl
She apologized
I did not understand
Did God apologize?
Then why would she?
Why should she?
She told me quickly and I didn't know what it meant
She told me quickly and I didn't know why
So few cars on the street in the middle of the school day.
So few cars.

Why would he leave me?
Why was I not worth staying for?
Could he see the future?
Could he see what I would do, what I would become?
Is that why he left?
Is that why he was not around?
I must not be worth staying around for.
I must not be worth anything
I must be worthless
He must hate me
And despise me for what I truly am
I think somehow he really did know me for what I would become
I think somehow he knew
And so this must be what life is
Perhaps there is a rest when it is over
That sounds nice
That sounds really nice.

On Mornings

Here is the day that has come and we who have been moved do now so move as to affect that which was decreed long before the foundation of the world. May we give thanks for this blessing and give praise to the Lord.

Chemical Explanation

"We're about ready to...
Rock steady."
This is how it went
And down we go
And down we come
From up on high
But we were not on high
We were wrong
And we told everyone
What was wrong
And they believed us
Because they trusted us.
And maybe now
We're about ready
And maybe now
We can rock steady.

On Consistency and Its Death

What does the Lord require of me? Is this not the question? Why ask, how then shall I be saved? Should I not concern myself with what is required of me? Is there something required of me? Why should my salvation be the end all of life? Why should my verbal confession be the goal of any preacher or friend or missionary? Is life about me? No no no no no! Life is not about me. If I keep thinking that it is, then I will keep thinking about myself. If I keep the focus on myself- I will see all that is not right with myself.
Does anyone think that God is trying to trick them? Does anyone believe that the God of the Bible is reluctant to save people and upset that some make it? Is faith in God equal to excepting some propositions? Did Jesus or did Jesus not reduce the whole of the law to two statements? Is this the sort of thing that is hard to understand? Am I supposed to continually doubt myself and my faith and everything else? Two statements. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, strength, mind. And love your neighbor as yourself. This is the love of God. This is the Law of God. This is not some trick that requires a theologian to interpret for anyone. This is not works. The Gospel and the Law are not at odds. Salvation by grace through faith is not an idea new to the "New Testement". What is new is that the Gentiles are now brought in to God's covenant with Jacob. The whole world will be blessed through you, the Lord said. Abraham was not saved by works. Jacob was not saved by works. Moses was not saved by works. God has always and only saved men through grace and faith by Jesus Christ. There is unity in the Bible because there is unity in God.
Who has believed a lie? I have believed a lie. Who has made decisions based upon a lie? I have made decisions based upon a lie. Who needs God to guide and direct him for His name's sake? I do. May my Lord and savior Jesus Christ the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, who has adopted me as His own lead and guide me, His child, in the way that I should walk. Amen and amen.

God Bless the Wind

sorrow and weeping
but part of my fabric
and in this being
do I move and breathe

And in this slime
always fighting
against myself and time
never righting

But who would deny?
Who they were inside
And who would change?
Who they were inside

Here I break your legs
And here I spit in your face
Now get up
You've only twenty-six point two miles to go.

Run you bastard
All I want to hear is your broken bones crunch
Let the blood spit
And slick the path behind you

You are illegitimate
There is no sympathy
And if you have it for yourself
You are a coward.

And so when the alarm sounds
Early in the morning
I rise to be beaten
I rise in the hopes that today will be my last.

In the hopes that this burden will be lifted
That this great weight
This impossible load
I will no longer carry

I cannot put it down myself
I cannot move up with it on my back
I can only stare towards the summit
And feel the wind on my face.

On Friends

People wonder what I do up north in Alaska. I hang out with friends just like everyone of them.

On the Truth and Lies and Living

Gary Cox said the degree to which you believe the truth is directly related to the degree to which you are free (from bitterness, rage, slander, lust, pick a slave master). I am reasonably sure that most people want to be free in this way- even those who do not believe in God at all. Maybe especially those who do not believe in God- for if you wanted to be the master of your own destiny, you certainly wouldn't want to be enslaved to your passions or addictions or any such thing. But that aside, it is true that the lies we believe (about ourselves and about the world) certainly do have an impact on us. May God give us grace to consider these things.

On The Strenuous Life

The truth can be a hard thing to swallow. But the truth will set us free. It is hard to win a race- but that does not mean the race should not be run. It is hard to climb a mountain- but that does not mean it should not be climbed. It is hard to give birth to a child- yet that is not enough keep us from having children. Hardness is not badness. Yet it seems many people of my generation and the one after mine do not want to experience the hardness of thinking about their faith. They often seem adverse to reason. They seem to want only emotional satisfaction- and that only if it comes easily and quickly. If a man will not wrestle with predestination and the Bible- what will he do when he has to wrestle with torture or public ridicule? What will he do when he must die for His Lord? Life is not about ease. Ease is not the goal. Christ said that His children would suffer and be hated. Christ said that life would be hard. How can a man not think on a thing when and after it is brought to his attention as pertaining to the truth of God's word? Surely it is not because it is hard and requires effort and time. May the Lord have mercy on us the ignorant.

On Meeting

The Lord is strong in His temple. He lifts up the weak and humbles the mighty. It is good to meet with Him. He brings his children together from afar. He knows everyone of them by name. He is our Champion. He is our Judge. Let the earth be silent before Him.

On Learning

Why is it that sometimes one can take so long to learn one thing? Why is it that the answer to your problem can be right in front of you for so long and you just do not see it? I trust that the Lord has a better plan than I do and will not leave me to my own devices indefinately. He disciplines those he loves after all. I think it would go better with me to remember that more often.

I do it so you don't have to

I was running today and it was really cold. I think it was twenty-below. I just want everyone to know that twenty-below zero F. is really quite chilly.

Cold Work Is Hard Play and Better Play In good time

While I was ice-climbing today in the twenty-below weather, I had a thought: the Lord has better timing than I do and I do well to trust Him.

On Providence

One day I found myself in a strange place that I had never imagined possible. I didn't think it was strange to be there- I thought it strange the way it effected me- or rather the way it did not effect me. I often wonder how it is that I have made it this long- how I have gotten this far... well, luck is only God's will for the Irish.

On Burdens

It is true that no one gets by on their own. No one exists in a vacuum. No one was meant to. So what does that mean?