Funny Ha Ha?

I don't imagine that much happens when I'm dying. I think only of the pain. I forget that things are still going on around me both near and far away. It is funny how things blind you. Sometimes I really think everyone else is better off. Sometimes I almost want to ask the question, "why did you make me this way?" Ha, Ha. "Why so downcast oh my soul? Put your faith in God."

Drink deep from the well of the everlasting and savour all you see. Do not enjoy the pain and suffering. Weep well, my friends. Do not despise the small joys- they are gifts dear people. Do not deny the truth. Let it all flow as one giant mess. Who are you kidding anyways? Who do I think I am fooling? "Why so downcast oh my soul? Put your faith in God."

On Voting

There are elections being held at the university I attend today and tomorrow. I predict widespread apathy. These are the same people who do not vote for local and state officials as well (and rarely think about presidential elections either). This leads me to wonder why something so important has become so unimportant in the minds of "my generation". I wonder, has anything changed? Was one vote ever something that made the difference? Everyone is out for themselves it seems- if they can't change the world with one action, then why do it at all? The irony is that it is in your best interest to vote- which means it does matter, despite the consequences of inaction being delayed. Those consequences will come. Go out and vote. It won't rock the world immediately- but neither will not spending your entire paycheck on booze. We do little things that add up to big things all the time- and they are good for us and those we care about. Go and vote, even for your student government. Bad arguments will not turn laziness into a virtue. Vote.

On Glaciers

I love the ice on glaciers. It is so immense, so big, so alive. It is all around you. It stretches out before you and reaches up high into the mountains. It moves slowly. It has colour and shape. It is otherworldly. Here I am rappelling down an ice-clif and it is really like going inside the glacier. I was swallowed up and made tiny once again. Glaciers are really amazing.

Draw Near My Lord And Let Me Feel

Draw near to me Lord
Or I will perish
Fill me Lord
For I feel so very empty
Light flickers and fades at night
At the edges of my blurry vision
I have almost seen you yet again
Do not delay for I am dying
Here in the north
Here in the cold
Here by myself
Here alone.

The light falls and shadows rise
And give way to the dark night
That clothes me like a blanket.

"Hear the voice! It cries aloud in the streets."
I am listening
"Call to Him while He is still near!"
I have no voice
"Be still and know,"
My heart is not something I command and it races like a scared child.

Falling snow on coloured leaves
Clean upon decaying earth
And we mock the one who greaves
And cry for those who still give birth.

But I do not need to hear
The platitudes of everyday
But that which is most dear to me
Costs too much for me to see.

I am not like other men
And we are all the same
Draw near my Lord for I would faint
And never rise again.

On Love, Truth, and Intentions

Have you ever wondered what role your intentions have in your speech? I mean how much do they really matter? Have you ever been dismayed at the thought that the person you were talking to really did not care about your intentions- but only about the words that you said?

I think that intentions do matter- but not as much as most people I talk to. At present I have what might be described as a weak view of intentions in general. It goes up or down depending on the medium. Speech, for instance, would be more intimately connected to intentions, while writing might be much less so in my view. Intentions matter, but they do not remove me from responsibility.

I would like to sometimes pull a get out of jail card when talking to a woman. She may be offended at something I happened to say- and I might like to say-"hey! I did not mean it that way. Therefore you have no right to take it that way. Therefore I am not responsible for your feelings (whatever those may be). Therefore I get out of jail for free." This would be nice and although I may have never put it quite like that- I am sure that I have implied that very chain of reasoning on numerous occasions. Would that be right though? Unfortunately, I am not so sure. This does not mean that I have the level of doubt about it that you might like me to have- but I do have my doubts none the less.

Sticking with conversation for the moment I think that I have to stop and ask myself the question afresh- what place does my intention have in my speech? If I intend to convey love, hope, and truth- but actually communicate criticism, pessimism, and truth- what should I think? What should I think when others take what I say in a way that is different from what I meant? Am I responsible for how others take what I say? Or am I only responsible for the content of my speech? I think the answer to the question of practice (if not the answer to the question of theory), is found in the relationship between love and truth.

I once said to a friend that there was no love without truth and that truth without love is worthless. Whether or not this statement will hold up under intense philosophical scrutiny it really does get at the heart of the matter. "Love is patient; love is kind; it does not envy; it does not boast..." (from I Corinthians 13) and "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am nothing..." (ibid.) Love is great and that is a truth. Understand that and I will likely be able to understand the answer to my own question.

The Gospel, Evangelism, and B. B. Warfield

"...upon a field of dead that the Son of righteousness has risen, and the shouts that announce His advent fall on deaf ears: yeah, even though the morning stars should again sing for joy and the air be palpitant with the echo of the great proclamation, their voice could not penetrate the ears of the dead. As we sweep our eyes over the world lying in its wickedness it is the valley of the prophet's vision which we see before us: a valley that is filled with bones, and lo! they are very dry. What benefit is there in proclaiming to dry bones even the greatest of redemptions? How shall we stand and cry, 'O, ye dry bones, hear ye the word of the Lord!' In vain the redemption, in vain its proclamation, unless there come a breath from heaven to breathe upon these slain that they may live." (Warfield, B.B. "Studies In Theology" New York: Oxford University 1932. pg 42)

I cannot help but be moved by both the truth and the method of delivery here. Think on these things.

I see and hear a thing above
And in my prayers I feel a peace
And now I know that you are here
and I am not alone.

The Things We Say

"If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but decieves his own heart, this one's religion is useless." -James 1:26

Sometimes, when I am thinking about things I wish I had never said to someone, I remember things I wish I had said, but didn't. I think you know the kind of things I mean- things like, "I'm sorry," "I love you too," or "why don't you let me cool down a bit, and then we can talk about this." The things we say to others are sometimes so careless. The things we don't say sometimes, make us out to be selfish cowards.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving. Packing, eating, stories, sledding, movie, eating, packing. What a day. Tomorrow (or technically today) I am going back to the deltas for the first time in a while. For this, I am truly thankful. For so many things I do not see the blessing- or at least not until it is too late- but for a return to the mountains, ahh... for this I must say it truly is a happy thanksgiving.

Losing

Sometimes when you remember those who have died it makes you sad. Sometimes it makes you happy. Sometimes it does all that and more. When things change, you have to deal with a loss. It doesn't matter whether or not that loss is a good thing or a bad thing. It does not matter that many people do not look at it this way. Whenever something changes, you lose something. It is really simple. Sometimes you lose something you wanted to keep. Sometimes you lose something you never wanted- often it is a little bit of both. Either way, though, every change involves a loss- whether that change is death, or a break-up, or a break-down, or a new job, etc... change involves loss.
The world lost Jessica. We don't get to have her back. I hate that sometimes, I really do.

On Love, Truth, And G-d

In my ongoing quest to understand how Jesus is the truth and why being right is not more important than love and why those do not contradict each other- I have undergone a lot of changes. Lucky for me the Lord honours those who seek Him diligently because I have not known quite how I should go about the whole thing. I have tried things that ended up not working and seriously damaging relationships I had and I have changed the frame of the whole discussion on more than one occasion. I am impressed by how much some people can give of themselves out of love. I am also impressed with the horrendous effects that abandoning truth has had on my brothers and sisters here in the United States.

Seasons come and go and we learn things that we did not expect to ever learn- even things we wanted to. What is the connection between G-d, Truth, and Love? Why is it true that one is more important than another, but that statement is either true or false and if you believe falsely you won't see that the one is greater than the other?

And all the while as I fight with myself and tear myself to pieces losing and winning battles that take me to places I never thought I would go- I somehow find my love for G-d rekindled in a way that is amazing.

I love my Church. I love my people. Oh yeah, it's not really my Church.

A Moment

Outside a clouded pale settles upon the earth. A white cloud, and everywhere it settles. The mountains on the horizon disappear like ghosts fading into another plain of existence and the trees all around become imbued with magic and beauty. White crystal flakes float and swirl down upon us and everywhere there is a stillness. The smoke from the stacks does not fight the cloud, does not try to fight beyond the pale, but rather it becomes a part of it, blending and adding and submitting to it. The silence comes from the stillness and as we look outside our warm walls we do not dare fight the stillness. We accept it, and so we sit.

The Heart of Gifts

And so it is I pick it up
And feel the very heart you gave
In the thing so lifeless now
I experience again your good intention.

And even in the golden ball
Which I never really liked
I see the heart that listened well
And tried to give accordingly.

And in the foreign words I feel
What cannot be described with sight
The very thing behind the thing
That burns so very bright.

I see your effort mainly here:
In the giving of good gifts
But that was not enough for me
And I felt alone outside your gate.

Was it from some book you read?
Or from some proverb you had heard?
That put your energies in gifts?
And kept you always scared of me?

I have seen a glimpse of you
And seen inside your heart
But just a glimpse was all I had
And now the objects left behind.

So many of them speak your love
And speak of your concern
But they are only things to me
And not the love I'd hoped to find.

The Light of Beauty

And when the light had faded down
And I saw you standing there
In all your calm and quietness
I became so still.

The light, it played upon your curls
I felt and saw the golden shine
But you were unapproachable
And so I gazed aloof.

I tried to approach you there
But felt so in a daze
I did not see a way in
So much light, too much light.

And then you were sitting there
Alone by the telescope
And there by the steps I reached
And you did not immediately protest.

And as I threw myself against your walls
Over and over in a dark night
I became bloodied and bruised
And then it was my weariness that you decried.

And you began not only to remain inside
You also began to loose the arrows from above
And I did not then fight in the shade
Bravado was gone and I just died in the dark.

The volleys reigned down upon me
And truly I could not see the sun
Was your leaving a mercy?
Or just the final blow?

But never did the image leave
And always in my heart it stayed
With the sun upon your locks
And beauty all around my earth.

"You can go your own way..."

Have you ever wondered what you should do, but found direction absent? As an American I am expected to figure things out for myself- I am an "individual" after all. It is expected by my culture that I possess a certain amount of self-reliance. Of course, Alaska takes this to some frozen extremes- but anyway I look at it, those around me often act as though everyone should already know certain things (which many do not). They should be able to figure it out for themselves. People even want to figure things out entirely for themselves on their own with no help from other people or institutions. If you can break with tradition and solve a problem you have really arrived here in the States. The culture loves new things. It winks at bucking the mold even when it has to enforce not doing so. Striking out on your own and forging your own path is a good thing. It is a laudable thing. To say that of someone is to praise them.

When you want direction, though, many people who may be able to help may think that it is not their place to do so. Many people will act as though you should not ask for help. The problem is you need help. I need help. Everyone needs help. Everyone needs direction. There was a time when the Church answered all questions. That time is gone from our culture. The question is- should it be gone from our lives?

A Brief Prayer (well you just come in in the middle)

...And then, as it were all of a sudden, I realized that your grace was sufficient for me. I also forgot to look for the way out- but then I remembered that there was one- and that always. Thank you so much for not demanding my feelings be other than they are. Thank you for working for my good (and your glory), and not telling me to call every single event good. Thank you for making me in a way that I can (by your help) actually live consistently with your word. We think so many wrong things so often- and we are so confident of how right we are... but you have not abandoned me. You have not thrown me away. All praise be to Jesus Christ my Lord and God...

Blood and Syrup

Have you ever wanted to approach something or someone to resolve something (in your mind or theirs)- but when you did it got messy? It's like cooking hamburgers in the morning with syrup. At some point in the process you press down on the hamburger (covered in syrup) and it "bleeds". Then you are just staring at this awful mixture of blood and syrup. It truly is a little disturbing. Sometimes, I've found that dealing with problems is something that I might want to put off for fear of the mess I know that will ensue. What I fail to remember is how good a hamburger cooked in syrup is when it is done.

Loneliness and Value

Loneliness is a valueless fact. It sits upon your shoulders like a heavy burden; or, it recedes like a hollow ache into the back of your consciousness. It is neither right nor wrong. It is neither good nor bad. It just is. Sometimes you have it sometimes you don't. Some people barely know it. Others don't know what it is like to live without it. When you think of loneliness, think of the rain. You may not like it, or you may not like it now- but the rain is not bad. Loneliness is like the rain. It can ruin your day- or, it can drive you to seek the Lord of Heaven and Earth. I may not know what life without loneliness is really like- but I do know that G-d provides for me in times of trouble. I do know that when nothing makes sense at all in this crazy place we call the world, that G-d is not absent. I do know that He can be trusted. I do know that you do not have to be happy and healthy to feel the peace and presence of G-d.

ps- I will give anyone who can tell me what is wrong with this little paragraph twenty dollars. Just post your comments.

pps- previously in this post I mispelled Lonliness- I have corrected it at the request of my readers.

The Faithful Friend You Would Like To Lose

Have you ever found it harder to lose something than you expected? Have you ever found yourself wanting it back? You struggle inside yourself going back and forth between wanting it and thinking it's not really a good idea. And then sometimes the struggle is with wanting something that is not likely to ever happen and trying to "be realistic". It is amazing the highs and lows you can go through in a day. You can just feel the ice at nine in the morning you are so high but then at noon the ice may creep into your heart and you are hit with a hot blast of sand and grit. The joy is gone and all is dark. But then back up the mountain you go. Feelings are funny things.

Have you ever tried so hard for something- I mean so very very extremely hard- and just utterly failed, falling flat on your face? Have you ever given it all you got and then kept giving- but still did not make it? Have you ever dug so deep, so deep that you knew you had never dug there before, and still come up short? It is amazing to fail when you have tried. It is amazing in so many ways. I never really knew just how much I wanted to not lose something- not until I lost it.

When everything in your heart is abandoned and no one understands why it is that it hurts- and no one can see how they are hurting each other, when all is drowned out by the voice of selfish pain- a feeling that demands to be heard- then is the time that people so often learn a valuble lesson. And that lesson is most often too late. Not always, but most often it is.

Let the long dark tea time of the soul be the time that we prepare and learn. Scorn the pain too much and it will never leave you. Let it be heard.