The Problem at the First

Have you ever wanted to give up when you know that you did not have to? Have you ever given up when you know you did not have to? It seems an interesting phenomenon, giving up, calling it quits, whatever you want to call it. I think that a person often knows when they were defeated and when they gave up and defeated themselves- both involve failure, but both have very different feelings. One feels like a war with something outside of yourself and one feels like a war with self. But why would you war against yourself?

What Do You Want?

While waiting I have lost the trail
And in the mists I that cut through time
I feel the latent power growing
Spilling out and taking mine.

The seas cut rough upon the bow
And Light the caps do dance on shore
We sail the world to find something
But always wanting something more.

Let light cut through the darkness thick
And find the hidden treasure there
For when we search among the seas
We risk the pains we fear to bare.

Who Cries To Save This Place?

I am homeless
I am bereft
I hear choirs of angels
And that is all that keeps me standing.

I despair of this world
I have failed in it.
It has beaten me badly,
But I hear choirs of angels.

I have grown to hate this place
Bereft of justice
Bereft of mercy
And this place is not my home.

What would I cry for?
Why would I scream for rain?
Here in this barren desert...
When I could scream to be taken from here.

I hear singing now here in this dark valley
I can feel the vibrations
And harmonies
And I hear the beat of angel's wings.

And so I will lift up my eyes.
And so I will not cry to the heavens.
I will rather sing and play
That my prayers may fill the golden bowls in heaven.

On Love and English

Be still my heart which beats this slow
For I would speak to you of love
And listen please amidst the din
And fix your eyes above.

I hear the voice of Him who calls
And what He says I would relate
Be still my heart which beats so slow
And see the glow of heaven's gate.

You have a choice and it is yours
But you are not your own
And in this time when kings of men
make violence for their throne-

You will be tested sore and true
And must rely not on yourself
To love another you must decide
And this must be within yourself.

You need that love that you must give
And they shall know you true
When of yourself you give it free-
I wish so much to do.

The feelings follow the acts of right
And follow your acts of wrong
And whether or not you see the fight
This day will be quite long.

To be in love is quite a thing
To give of love is so much more
And when the first is long gone by
The second holds much in store.

On Loving Someone

So it is telling the words people use when they are unhappy in a relationship. It is a travesty how many people pass each other by and give up all because they do not understand and communicate to each other appropriately and effectively. When you say that different people experience feeling loved in different ways it does not sound too weird- it makes sense to most people. If they think about it, they may even come to feel that it is an obvious truth. Yet so many have not thought through what this means in their own relationships. I know I did not consider this much at all. I know that I usually did for my girlfriends what I wanted them to do for me. I suppose it is not completely irresponsible if I did not know what made a particular girlfriend feel loved to act as a default this way- but for some reason it never occured to me to ask. That was stupid of me.
I mean, I know that I cannot change the past (oh, how I know it), but wow, how many times did I come so close to applying this idea to a relationship and not do it. If you know that your girlfriend wants to sit on the couch and have you look her in the eye and talk to her about whatever it is that she wants you to talk with her about- why would you not just do it- I mean you like the girl presumably? It does not matter if it is easy for you to sit and talk or touch or give her things, or cook for her (you could even be an awful cook), or tell her she is wonderful- if you know she wants that, if you know that that makes her feel loved- why wouldn't you do any one or more of those things? I mean, as a guy, if I knew that I had to change the starter on a car and what I really wanted to do was change the starter on my car- I wouldn't go buy a metric tool set to do the job if the car was filled with english sized hardware. I don't care if one is more expensive than the other, or if one is only available two towns over- if I want to change the starter on my car and I do not have the right tools, I'm not going to use the wrong ones just because it's easier or it comes more naturally for me. I am going to use the right ones. In the same way, how many times have I told a girl she was pretty who just wanted me to sit and talk with her. And also how many times has a girl said nice things about me over and over again when all she really needed to do was give me a back rub and cook me dinner and I would have been her manslave forever- even if she told me I was an idiot everyday.
When people feel loved, they can do a whole lot of things they can't when they don't feel loved. When people feel loved they can put up and get through all sorts of hardships that would wreck them if they did not feel loved. I say thank God for love. Thank Gary Chapman for his book. And also thank you Doctor, for the reccomendation.

Colours

Who has known this time before?
That speaks to saints and men
And who has laughed amidst their fear?
Knowing they would win.

I have gone so deep inside
And comforted the beast
But when he roars I still shake
And run to fetch the priest.

Where I go to see the wound
The lights have never been
And in the dark and secret cave
It reeks of pain and sin.

The carnage there will dull the mind
And fill it full with fear
And no one goes so deep inside
Without the Christ so dear.

For in the cave the beast does wait
Waiting to be free
And when he's loosed upon the world
What will become of me?

On The Kimberlys

I talked (or should I say laughed) with an Australian woman today who was up in Alaska doing research on a duck that looks like a clown (at least the males do). She said she was going to do more research back in Australia. I would like to personally thank her for laughing at all my jokes. I hope I wasn't too much and that we didn't dwell too long in the gutter. I would also like to thank the Lord for the respite (brief though it may be). I appreciate it. Thank you both.

Though long the day and dark the night
And though I feel I've lost
When 'ere the last hour comes around
Someone takes the cost.

And when I think my strength will fail
And I cannot go on
You, my Lord, are strong to me
And sing to me my song.

I search the world and scour the seas
And find not one true boon
But when I fall upon my knees
You sing to me the moon.

On Messages

Who wants to live forever? Those who are happy. Who wants to die? Those who think it will ease their pain. Who wants to feel alive? Those too close to death feel the light of the sun- Even as it beats hard upon them at noon. Their is a great tension between life and death and line between hope and despair is sometimes very thin. Sometimes we say what we mean. Sometimes we say what we want. Sometimes we keep both to ourselves. Sometimes we don't when we should. I will live forever. This is but a blink.

In Christ Alone I Stand Or Fall

In Christ alone I stand or fall
Though misery assaults me long
In Christ alone I stand or fall
And lift my voice to sing His song.

In Christ alone I live or die
And I would die this day
In Christ alone I reach the sky
As I strive and fail and pray.

In Christ alone my heart beats true
Steady as she goes
The rythm is the body does
And only Jesus knows.

In Christ alone I stand or fall
Though weary I press on
And though my flesh is breaking down
He carries my spirit on.

The Past

They pass me every day I wake
Here and there the ghosts I see
And though I sometimes wish they'd leave
Our meetings always seem to be.

They haunt me when I want to smile
And whisper when I try to rest
And though I really whish they'd stop
Sometimes it seems it's for the best.

The wraiths I see are burned inside
And I can't make them go
And though they hurt and though they scare
It's seeds of life they sow.

Remembering

This poem has no title. I wrote it when I was twelve or thirteen years old.

The moon shone bright in full glory on midsummer night's eve
Stars lit up the sky, far too numerous to believe
And I wore a painful smile
My heart was torn in two
The soldiers marched mile after mile
Leaving a dust cloud and a marred image of you
I heard your voice call my name
And turned only to glimpse a fleeting dove
I fell to my knees
Tears streamed down my face
Now I am wet, cold, and alone.

On Climbing

I was out climbing with Ben and Terry and I noticed that the undescribable things are the things I was drawn to. How do you tell someone who is not a climber what a perfect day climbing is like? More important still, how do you communicate things that you have trouble describing to yourself to those you love and care about?

There are reasons for everything. There are those who doubt causality with their lips- but I have yet to meet a man who doubts it with his heart. Yet we have limited knowledge and we still must make many decisions every day for we are free (a topic for another time, perhaps). Our decisions effect those around us even when it is not as obvious. Yet what do we base those decisions upon?

How many times have you done something and thought to yourself, "why did I just do that? I did not want to do that but I did it anyways." or "I really should have done that, and I really wanted to, but I did not- what was I thinking? Was I?" The apostle Paul speaks of this in his letter to the church of Rome and I wonder how it is we so easily "justify" things sometimes.

A Brief Time

This too will pass
This body of mine
While you are gone
I may not be fine
But when you return
It will be made well
And here while I wait
I can tell-
This is harder than it seems
This is not so complicated
I have seen it in my dreams
I have seen it is berated
As we suffer here on earth
Please forgive my spirit's dearth
Though it starves a little while
Yet in glory will it feed the mile.

This day I Would Not See

The Lord protect me and keep me through these times. I think I would not choose this day. Yet this may be the most important day I have ever lived on this earth. Let the heavens rain down their mercy upon me. Let the strength of my creator fill me. I would not ask to live this day. I would not seek for it as I have for other things. I have loved you Lord for many years and you have surely loved me more. I would not search for this day unless I sought it to navigate around it. You are holy on your throne, oh Lord. Let me be silent before you- but not yet, there is still a lot of wailing to do. Let me look forward to the day of redemption- but know that you have made this day from eternity. I salute you my captain. Here and now I look to you. My heart is sick and I feel as though death waits for me close by. You are my strength when I am weak. I am weak, Lord. I am weak.

Today and the Judgement, Baby

So Here I am, thinking on the words of one of my fathers. Two days. Let it be. Come Lord.

Here Lies the Body

Here lies the body of one man down
Waiting for its redemption crown
Rotting while it goes to work
Spirit troubled with duties shirked
As the people pass it by
The children scream and wonder why-
A body comes to rest by and by-
Just why is it a body has to die?
Was it living was it dead
Was it ever more than just a head?
What will happen later on
What will happen when it is gone?
Here lies the body, its soul not at rest
Waiting for the coming, to rise up with the rest.

Alien

Deep in the bosom of eternal light
Far from the darkness flowing here
Lies the mansion of delight
And rooms prepared by one so dear.

High in the heavens is my home
Far from the wreckage rotting here
A kingdom with a King upon its throne
And creatures bowing low in fear.

Low in the valley here I wait
Far from Land and Home
Marching with a heavy weight
Under starry dome.

Remember

It's been so long since I've run free
A slave in birth, a slave I die
It's been so long since I've been free
And I do not remember why.

It's been so long since I've seen sky
Trapped beneath my flesh I lie
It's been so long since I've seen sky
And I do not know just how to fly.

It's been so long since I've stood up
And now my load is piled high
It's been so long since I've stood strait
And now it burdens me to die.

It's been so long since I've been whole
The pieces seem all of me
It's been so long since I've been whole
I feel broken from eternity.

It's been so long since I've been strong
I forget just how to call
It's been so long since I've been strong
I don't remember it at all.

Rouse Him- He is needed now and in the hour of my death

Who has heard it in the night?
Who has heard the shots?
We die while they debate,
And we die while we wait.

But we have hope
And we hold fast
And when we fall
We'll be home at last.

I dream a dream
While the world tears apart
I dream a dream
With the pieces of my heart
I dream a dream
And faith holds me sure
I dream a dream
For His blood has made me pure.

Those we wait on as we sink
And those we hope for in the fight
May they know better than ourselves
As we drown waiting for their light
May we not spurn them in their fear
For we ourselves have been afraid
May we not spurn them in our fear
For God, our hope through Christ has made.

Teach me now and in the hour of my death
Awake my spirit deep inside
Fill me with your holy breath
And let the lion come outside

The beast is noble
The beast is hurt
The beast is raging
In the dirt

In this prison He has lain
And paced about with aching fear
And now the time for him to gain
The freedom that we hold so dear.

I sit and wait for you are worth it
And though I may not ever win
I feel the beast begin to stir
The lion Christ has put within.

He Has Gone Before Me

Who has seen the early mists
As the dawn was want to come
And in that hour before the sun
The way is made before.

"I am but a worm I said"
But you were quick to scorn
And in your quiet voice you yelled,
"The way was made before".

With the passing of the dark
And with the dying of my death
I glimpse the shores where gold is paved
For the way is made before.

And here it is I find myself
And dare I hope to breathe clean air
And let the lion out the cage
For the way is made before