On Examinations

Sometimes when you are waiting for a seemingly needless reason, you think of things. I wonder why it is that people can be so impatient. I wonder why I can be so impatient. Action and faith. Action with faith. Action through faith. What is out of place? What sparrow has fallen unbeknownst? Life is as it is. May I not rest in myself.

On Reason

Why is it that reason does not seem to always be enough to justify a belief? Why is it that you can have reason contrary to your belief? Is it your brain? Does reason have nothing to do with belief? Is reason an illusion? (I had a class about this once- it was really funny that we reasoned for three hours about whether or not reason was an illusion). And I mean by that- Do we always make decisions based on things other than reason? Or is the disconnect between belief and reason (which we sometimes experience in our own lives) due to something else?

On False Distinction

So one of my professors tells me that he does not understand the materialist/ supernaturalist distinction. Now of course, he does actually understand it and he really just thinks it is bogus or at best trivial and meaningless. But his "rub you the wrong way" method of communicating does not automatically determine the truth value of his arguments. They still could be right. He tells me that the term supernatural is like the term fuzzy- only with more baggage. That is to say a supernatural being (such as an angel) is like a fuzzy animal (such as a kitten). So his question seems to be- what does fuzzy really tell you about the cat? In the same way- what does supernatural really tell you about the angel? He told me that the distinction may be largely to blame for the belief that some people have that science is somehow anti-religion, or anti-God (or gods). Now the challenge he put to me is to define supernatural in some sort of meaningful way. He did not seem taken with my suggestion that it was both significant and meaningful for supernatural to be a statement of our ignorance. Angels are not subject to the "laws of nature" I said- they may be subject to laws- but we do not know what they are. He asks me then, is anything not subject to the laws of nature then appropriately called supernatural? What about things before the big bang? Are they supernatural?
So I am thinking about it, but what things before the big bang? My problem is that I still do not quite grasp the fuzzy animal analogy. I mean I see what the analogy is saying- but I just find it easy to see what supernatural is saying- what it means. Now, of course, he wants a philosophical definition- which is a bit of work- so this will be continued later, but I think that when God disrupts the natural laws of the universe to perform a miracle that it makes perfect sense to call that a supernatural event. So what he wants to know (basically) is why anyone would insist on calling the ressurection of Jesus Christ a supernatural event. I think that is a valid question for him to ask. The answer will take as long or as short as it takes to think about. I suspect a significant amount of meditation will be required. May the Lord grant me wisdom beyond my years.

On The Inside

They say it comes from inside. He says it comes from inside. I need it to come from inside. Do you know what it is like in there- down deep where the ocean is dry where the desert is cold and the sun is dark? If it is in there it is anywhere it is everywhere- you just need to open up and out it flows- out from the inside. The liars, the hypocrites, we know what I mean. The fools, the ignorant- we know nothing. We say too much; we say too little. We are foolishly brave; we are cowards. Fear is where it starts. And fear is where it will end if you do not fear. Fear is the beginning. Stop. Like a caged beast prowling in the dark wounded and pacing. Big, angry, afraid. On the inside. On the inside. It is all on the inside. None of the answers and all of the questions. On the inside. On the blood soaked floor the brave ones slip and fall. You will suffer He says. As I have suffered, He says. And so I wait.
I do not wait in vain. His word is true. Time heals nothing. Only God heals anything. Only God heals anything on the inside.

Sufficient

The Lord, who indwells His children, is watching over them at every moment. Praise be the name of the Father, who, having created us, made known to us His love through His word by the death and resurection of His son. We who are in Him, should take strength and be encouraged- for God is sufficient.

On Praise

Growing up I might have had one too many let downs to handle on my own- and I certainly did not go try and get any help- I was a kid, I didn't know what was going on. I started to expect the worse after I had a few bad experiences "early in the game", so to speak. I have not really escaped that one. There are still some chickens in the coop (if you know what I mean). But anyways, I did not trust very easily (like a beaten dog, I suppose) and once I stopped trusting myself, it got much worse. There was really no need to convince me of the total depravity of Man. In fact, I wouldn't hear anything else. By the time I was ten, I knew that life was mean, nasty, and brutish. By the time I was twelve, I was already reading, drinking coffee everyday, writing poetry, and brooding constantly. If you had put me in a black turtleneck sweater and given me a pipe- you would have believed I was an old man with some sort of genetic disease that made me look young. You did not have to diagnose the problem when you were presenting me with the Gospel- I already knew I was dead if I was left to my own devices- and I knew the rest of you were too.
It was hard to grasp anything. I searched in books for things you cannot find in books. I forsook children my own age and sought out instead my elders to converse with. I was lost in pain. Really, I was quite a disturbing child- not that it was readily apparent for all to see- but I am just letting you know. So when I say that I found it ackward to be praised or complimented I hope that you will perhaps have a better understanding of why. Now this is the thing. I still do not usually take compliments well. If you are lucky, I will just shrug it off as a joke and insignificant. If you are not so lucky, I will distrust you, thinking that you probably want something that I would not approve of. Yes it is possible (as absurd as it sounds) to compliment me and then watch those words turn sour in my insides. It is possible to be kind and have me take it as meanness. What is the point of all this? you may wonder. The point is this: "Every good gift, and every perfect gift comes from up above from the father of heavenly lights with whom there is no shadow of turning." (James 1)
I do not write here to vent and gain some sort of cathartic healing. I no longer am under the illusion that my problems are, were, or will be unique in the world. I do not just write for myself. The Lord is the giver of good gifts. This is not important only for me. At some point, if you truly have faith in Jesus Christ and believe that His word is true in what it says about Him, you will have to be affected in your mind. I cannot go on forever in this life always thinking that gifts are a trick or a test. And neither can anyone reading this. Now I have been recently surprised when I was complimented and praised in what normally I would have considered an extravigant manner. But the Lord is God; the Lord is one. I was surprised because I believed the person. I will not say the praise did not make me nervous- but for the first time in a long time, I believed someone who had something nice to say. This is the work of God. I did not think the person was lying, or looking for something, or that their praise did not matter. I may have tried to dismiss it with my mouth- but in my heart I was actually stunned with my acceptance of it and of the implications that that had. How perfectly this ties into the first chapter of James. How important it is that God does not change. He can be trusted- and a wound from someone you trust is worth a lot more than gold from an enemy. But God is no enemy of mine- and what then is it to have a good gift from Him? It is life.

On Family

You know family is a good thing. I did not know most of my family growing up- and most of them were not a very big part of my life. But I found family in the Church. My Christian brothers and sisters are many of them "closer than a brother" to me. It is amazing that I have gotten this far in life- but it is not without my "Family". It is good to belong. I do not take kindly to attacks on my own- and unlike some- my own is not always flesh and blood. They have taken care of me- and I must do the same. Without Loyalty, it is hard to trust. And without trust, it is hard to live. I used to think that I didn't need much family and that it wasn't really anything all that good- but really I just found those who were loyal and they became my family- whether they were related to me by blood- like my sisters or my mother- or they were of the same spirit, like the doctor and Schaeffer- or they had bent over backwards out of love like my step-father. This was my family- and so I had lied to myself when I had told myself that I did not need family. It turned out I thought my family was more important to me than many of the people I knew who always said they thought their family was important.
Now I have been blessed with meeting more of my "actual" family. This has been a bit humbling. Have you ever felt like you came from nowhere? Have you ever felt like you had no roots? Like you were not connected to anything naturally? I did, but it is not the case. I did come from somewhere- and I am connected. I thank God for the opportunity to see those connections and pray that he would continue to give me a humble spirit and the faith to step forward.

When I Pass

Do not cry when they take me
Do not shed your tears
Do not wail for me in the streets

When they strike me with there rifles hard
And I can't stay on my feet

Listen as I tell you
Do not hold fear
This world is not home

Do not miss me
I will be gone
Don't cry in the streets.

I will be happy
And you'll go on
Don't cry in the streets

They cannot be bold
Their lives are on hold
Do not hold their fear
Call Him and draw near.

The lights I see
You will see too
I know you'll go on.

You might miss me
But you'll get through
This life is not long.

I remember
And you should too,
Don't cry in the streets.

To My Niece, Lily

When I first held you in my arms
Everything stopped
There was no one else
And time did not disturb
As I held the most precious thing
That I had ever known
I felt so inadequate
And the world was so dangerous
And you were so small
I knew one day you would need help
And that I would not be there
And that you would be alone.
So I prayed this prayer:

Lord, you who are above all gods,
You who have made the heavens and the earth
You who know the hearts of all men,
The Lord of lords and the God of gods,
Cause the light of your face to shine upon this girl
And give to her the knowledge of your son Jesus-
For there is no other name under heaven by which men may be saved.

And I will continue to pray this prayer
While there is yet breath in my lungs
Sleep well, precious one,
No sparrow falls.

One Man Says

In a war there is death
And someone's going to lose
In a war inside yourself
You will always lose
Even if you win
When your hands are drenched in your own red blood
And you are truly dead
What will be left?
Of course you will need a resurection
If you win, you are dead.

Of My Fear

Hold me this night
For I cannot bear the weight of myself
Hold me tight
For it feels as if I don't exist
Sing to me,
Because if I hear your voice,
I can hold on
Whisper to me
Because if I feel your breath,
I can let go.

On Bacon

I really like bacon. It is definitely one of my favourite foods. What I like the most about it is the different textures it can have depending on how it is cooked. It really reminds me of ice. You know you can go climb the same waterfall seven times and you might have seven different experiences on the same waterfall. This is just like bacon. It's all bacon- and I usually like it all- but it can be thin or thick and fat. It can be dripping wet juicy and greasy or it can be lighter and crispy. It can have a myriad of colours from dark almost burnt brown to a lighter red with white stripes. It is beautiful in all its forms and I cannot tell you enough how I love it. Ahhh... bacon. And by the way- Julie Elliott rocks! Some TA's are just better than others. Ahhh... bacon.

I know Love

I understand what it is like to think first and act second. I know how difficult it can be to wait for thoughts to finish themselves in others and in yourself. But really what do I know? Do I know fear? Do I know pain? Maybe I know these things a bit. But what do I really know? I know confusion and I know love. God showed his love for me in this, that while I was yet a sinner He died for me. I do not think confusion needs much explanation. My thoughts are so often muddied by my sins and my mind so often in need of renewal that moments of clarity sound trumpets and ride in on white horses because they are so far different from the usual experience. But love... amidst the realization of the utter failure of self is the act of Jesus Christ on the cross. His purchase of the Church by his blood, His saving of all of me- this is love. I remember how as a small child I was so utterly devestated by the sin in myself. I remember the fear of punishment when the realization of my sin hit me like falling rock in the chest at the age of eight. I remember going to my knees- because that seemed the most appropriate before the Creator of the universe. I remember asking him to forgive me my sins. I remember asking him to come into my heart (this was the phrase I had heard at church- though not an entirely bad one). I knew I was wrong. I knew I was a sinner. People say to me now, "you were just influenced by your parents- you only believed you were a sinner because you trusted them". I really wish people would listen to themselves sometimes before they opened their mouths. I really wish I would listen to myself before I blurted things out. Even if that were true (I'm being a bit more than generous here) it still wouldn't change much. I put on a coat when it is cold first because I was taught it. I look both ways before crossing the street because I was told to by my parents. I share my cookies because my mom influenced me. The list of things that I know, the list of things that I believe, the list of things that I base decisions upon- this list of things is a list of the labour my parents love. Maybe some do not think that they need to teach their children anything. Maybe they think the government should do that (as if it even could). But it is the job of parents to raise up their children in the fear of the Lord. If they do not fear the Lord, then they will not teach their children. But this is love. Jesus Christ died for me. I know this. I know it more than the confusion in my own heart and mind. I know love.

On Waiting

Have you ever had to wait on something that really was quite difficult? Perhaps something that was hard to not want? Something that was frustrating to wait for? Something that you really wanted? Have you ever had to wait on another person? Do you really hate the anticipation, the uncertainty, the longing? Like pain, I have spent a lot of time waiting. My two constant friends, the pain and the wait. They always seem to be there. There are some pains that God chooses not to take away. These are always with me. There are some things that I cannot make myself stop longing for- and these I wait for. There are places inside that I do not like to visit- places I do not let people into. It is in the fear that my true qualities are manifest. In the calm, many act well. It is in the fear.

On Desire

You never can just change your own feelings. And it is hard to read the feelings of others. I, myself am quite adept at being cryptic when I want to and hurtfull when I am scared. Sometimes I pray for more sensitivity. Sometimes I pray for what I want. Fences are unpleasant things to walk upon.

In That Place I Broke With Movement

Dip down and wet your weary brow
The stream runs cold through dark green woods
The light filters through the moving canopy
And your sweat runs now to the sea.

On Joviality

The louder the laugh the greater the gain if the laugh is from within and is not feigned

On Preparedness

I find it is much less disconcerting to fail when you have spent a lot of time preparing for an endeavor. It is like then you really actually tried something. If you just show up and fail- or even succeed- what is that? If you have not invested into a thing- what does your failure or succes give you? It gives you nothing, most times. If you fail without investing you fail before you begin- you fail when you do not invest- not when you see the failure at hand. And if you succeed without investment (in most things) what have you really gained?

me 

On Home

I always feel like going to the mountains is like going home. But that is not quite true. Going to the mountains is going closer to death. Going to the mountains is suffering and trial. There is only the peace of pain and beauty so cruelly intermingled. One day I will no longer tire and the climb will end. Praise Him who has created all.

On Knowledge

I have learned four things that I am certain of in my short time here on earth so far.

1) You need to know and understand the truth.

2) Knowing and understanding the truth is not enough in and of itself.

3) You have to do something.

4) You are powerless to do it.

On ambiguity

So when you want to understand something that is ambiguous and you cannot get a verbal explanation- what exactly do you do? So you want something- you can't seem to get it, and you can't seem to get a strait answer- but it's like you have enough of an answer to think abandoning it would be proper- but not enough to actually change your feelings and cause you to give up hope? Introspection will only get you so far- but I am prone to it. But it is not enough- knowledge is never enough. You always need something more. And you never have all the information when you make decisions and choose to act or not act on things- yet you make these choices every day. So when you are in conflict with yourself (or so you think- even though it may be just conflict with circumstances)- how do you address your feelings and act with a seeming lack of information. Giving up is hard.

On my Rock

Praise be the name of the Lord,
For He has heard my cry and answered me.
Praise be the name of the Lord
For He has rescued me from the pit, from the open grave.
He is not slow as some reckon slowness-
But His hand is swift in trouble
And His mercy abounds towards me.
Praise be the name of the Lord,
For I am not swallowed up by the grave,
I am not consumed.
Let the heavens and earth declare:
Praise be the name of the Lord.

On Fatigue

While tired, temptations increase. Should one then avoid all things that make one tired? When does avoiding temptation go from being wise to being rediculous? At what point does it change? You cannot plan for everything. It is also unwise to not plan.

Quelquefois

Quelquefois, je pense en rouge.

On Faith

I never think that I'm on the same page when I talk with someone I don't know about faith- and I am usually right in thinking that. Everyone who has faith in things different than I do seems to want to deny that they have any faith at all. What is it about faith that is hard to define? Why is it so often compared to reason when the two do not describe the same things. They apples and oranges and yet they get treated like apples and rotten apples. The point is, it is a good policy to avoid using vocabulary that you really cannot define yourself.

On the Man's Dime

So I was driving down a dirt road today and I saw a post man in a quasi-secluded parkinglot taking a nap in his little mail-mobile.

How did I get here?

Have you ever woke up one day and wondered how in the world you could have possibly gotten here? Have you ever thought that there is no way that you could possibly have planned on being where you are now? Hmm... well, my friend Mocha started a blog too. She is a little nervous, but I assured her that no one could actually see her. I think she's off to a good start. www.eyesofmocha.blogspot.com Rock on mocha! Oh, and if you figure out how I got here- don't tell me, I don't think it will help.

On Dreaming

I have dreamed a dream I do not see save in my mind's eye. I cannot let go (though I try) though unrequited will I suffer as I wait for the ship to sink. It is a funny thing to want what cannot be taken- when it is not offered freely to you you have no recourse. You may wait. One may always wait. One may die waiting. Perhaps the ship will sink soon and the waiting will be over- then one may swim to shore and start new once again. But there is always the hope that that world is just another day over the horizon. If we could turn off our feelings- I suspect many of us would never have any, because we would not turn them back on.

On Wanting

Wanting is a tricky thing. I am not sure that it is tricky just because of language, however. When you want things that harm you- such as a second gallon of ice cream when you are fat, or when you want to view pornographic material knowing it will eat away another little piece of you inside, or when you want another line of coke, knowing that it might very well kill your physical body, or when you want another drink- knowing full well your wife might leave you and take the kids, or when you want to cheat on a test, even though you know and believe that it will damage the system and keep you from learning and growing- and possibly get you kicked out of school if you are caught, or when you want a boyfriend or girlfriend just so that you can be validated and have the whole in your soul partially covered- even though you know that "that is not what you really want"- in all of these things and more there is an internal tension. And the language here might confuse but it might also offer the key. What does it mean to want something that will harm you? Do you really want to harm yourself?

On Waking

Jeff Benowitz once told me that finding out that the world was only just under six thousand years old would be like being a bus driver and waking up one day and discovering that buses didn't exist. At first I thought this was a bit much- but now I am not so sure. I think perhaps it is an appropriate metaphor. But how many times have I woken up and found out there were no buses? Well, not everyday- but it has happened. I think this will prove to be the case with the war with self. I do not think it will be pleasant. I think the big question will be what have I been doing? Because, of course, there are no buses.

On Dying

The thing with dying is- it happens a lot and in a lot of ways. Now some of those ways are good and some of those ways are bad. Dying inside- that's bad. Dying to yourself- that's good. But what does it mean to die to yourself? Why is it that anyone would want to die to yourself? Is it just some strange metaphor for not being selfish? It seems a bit extreme a metaphor if that is all that it means. If you are alive in Christ, why would you want to die to yourself? Wouldn't that be dying to Christ? Well, no one that I know is saying that, of course... but what are they saying? What is this self that you should die to? Are you supposed to kill a part of yourself? Are you at war with yourself?

On Struggles

Why is it that you can struggle with something, give in, and then feel defeated? Are you really struggling with yourself? What is the difference between temptation and desire? If you are tempted to do something, do you, or do you not desire to do it? And if you do desire to do it, what makes it different from desiring something else that is not a temptation? Surely no one is going to suggest that temptation and desire are the same things, so what are they? How are they different?

On Expression

It seems to me that expression is a funny thing. By funny, I do not mean funny ha-ha. I mean it is odd or peculiar at times- but often difficult and obscure. Do we really want to communicate when we express ourselves? Or do we just want to unload something off of our chests? Hmmm...
Here's me showing up. I don't know what I'm doing? I just showed up and started typing. But why is it that I am typing?