Sometimes I can't imagine making it in this life. I just think it is one epic fail after another. I imagine that if God had wanted to help me He would have done so long ago.

And I don't understand freedom. And I don't understand predestination. And I don't understand evil. And I get this feeling that I have outlived my usefulness. I worry that I am even more free than I realized and thus even more culpable.

How long will my heart contend with God? How long will I be a fool. Why must I wrestle? I hear bells.