Again

And then death comes knocking
and of course I let him in
And all the hope collapses
And all is lost again.

Sometimes I can't imagine making it in this life. I just think it is one epic fail after another. I imagine that if God had wanted to help me He would have done so long ago.

And I don't understand freedom. And I don't understand predestination. And I don't understand evil. And I get this feeling that I have outlived my usefulness. I worry that I am even more free than I realized and thus even more culpable.

How long will my heart contend with God? How long will I be a fool. Why must I wrestle? I hear bells.

Sleeping While Covered in Fur

I have always liked cats. I really couldn't say why. I had some good ones in my day. One thing I like is how calm they can be. I like being at peace. I always have. I have not actually always been at peace. And unrest has not always been followed by periods of peace. Unrest has often been followed by more unrest. Perhaps that is why I value peace so...

Peace with God is peace indeed. Other things are incidental. How easy it is to forget that.

A Time to Win and a Time to Lose

The ebb and flow of life with all its struggles, battles, and pain is something that escapes me. Yet the scriptures say:

3:1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
(Ecc. 3:1-8)

There is a time for every heartache and defeat under the sun. Let us- let me- remember that.

And Now Especially...

Love lived seems love lost
Joy remembered seems a ghost
Happy days seem far removed
And I will praise His name.

The dead seem to linger
And their pain is a dam
That holds back all the ocean
But I will praise His name.

The sun seems to hide
Or maybe I am blind
For His word never fails
So will I praise His name.

The earth opens to swallow me
And I stand at the edge
And all the inky blackness
Let all that is within me praise His name.

Epic Fail...

Determined to find meaning in Christmas I have decided to make an effort. I've always wanted to have something to hold onto... but holidays always seem so sad. It's true that I expect an epic fail...

How Long

Psalm 13
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

13:1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

"Light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death..." I think many of us have felt what this request expresses. We may not have the gall to say such things to God. Maybe we feel it's not our place. Maybe we feel we don't deserve it. Maybe this, maybe that- we all feel things that we want to bring to the Lord but for some reason we don't.

Now maybe at the moment you are not thinking to yourself, God make me alive or I will die. However, I'm sure that there is something that you feel that you don't want to bring to God. And I know, it very well may be something like if you don't save me now I'm going to die.

I know that I don't want to bring certain things to God. I also know that I get tired of bringing them. I know that my perseverance fails me. But would it not, in point of fact, be a shame to God to not come through on His word? Of course it would. He has not, does not, and will not fail.

As the blog is changing I decided to try a slightly new look. It will take me some time to work out all the details. Please forgive the annoying bits while I wade through it all. The Lord be praised.

Dear reader,

It occurs to me that I don't seem to listen. That mostly means that you were right and now I am suffering the consequences. Some people say that you have to hit bottom to have a real change of heart. Am I going to find out?

In this world death comes so easy. It comes in many forms. It comes in many ways. Life, on the other hand, seems so hard to come by. Life seems to be the struggle. There is little struggle for death. But life... Funny, the words of God to Cain...

In This War...

I want what I cannot fake. I want what I cannot manufacture myself. I want something so great that it is hard to top it with one's wildest dreams. I want a repentant heart. I want repentance. I think we often deny that we want this when we succumb to easily besetting sins. I think we rationalize, deny, and "justify" our attitudes, feelings, and behaviors. But we all want something real. We don't want the fake. I don't want the fake. I don't want the appearance. I want the real. I want what cannot be faked. In this war...

Emotions can be like a roller-coaster. They are up and down. They move fast. And they can make you feel out of control and at their mercy. It can be really hard to feel.

Fear

Does anyone remember that song that starts, "Deep in the bosom of the gentle night is when I search for the light. Pick up my pen and start to write. I struggle to fight the forces of the pale moonlight... without fear... insomniac." Yeah I thought I would be alone on that one.

I do wonder though. What do you suppose it is like to be without fear? I John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." I wonder if I have not been perfected in love. It does seem like I am afraid an awful lot. Am I afraid of punishment? Well I don't want to take anything out of context-- but it is on my mind.

I am often surprised at what scares me and what doesn't. I would imagine that I am not the only one. I pray that God will deal with me in my fear and teach me what is good about it and what is not. Let Him be praised.

"Of the Imitation of Christ"

I have been reading Thomas A Kempis' book "of the Imitation of Christ" for a couple months now. I wanted to cruise through it-- but it keeps stopping me dead in my tracks. I wanted to quote from it-- but there are at least two lines in every paragraph that cut me to the bone. All in all the book is far more relevant and far more insightful than most of what I have read this year. He saw me coming a mile away.

Here is another sample:

And if he who firmly purposes often fails, what shall he do who seldom, or with little firmness, purposes anything? (-Thomas A Kempis, "of the Imitation of Christ" chapter 19: Exercises of a Religious Person)

How quickly I lose my resolve to fear and shame. How quickly I give in and give up when I should persevere. How quickly I drop and do not even feign to rise. Christ have mercy.

Why is it that walking in the cold makes me feel better?

Dear self,

As the audience is no longer with us (or even important) I feel that I should point out that sometimes you also don't suck-- but only sometimes. And today definitely felt like a wash. Kathy is probably going "eek!" watching the highlights. That was a pretty good impression of Kathy-- too bad no one could hear it.

Dear self,

Sometimes I really hate you. You suck. We were all thinking it- but I have to live with it so I should be the one to say it.

I woke this morning and I thought, "what can I do?". My sins beset me and my hope fails me. What will this day have for me? What have I to offer my God today? All I have is brokenness, weakness, and betrayal. Christ have mercy.

Way down in the valley. I ran down here. Sometimes I think I'm afraid to be up high. Sometimes I think I hide in prison because freedom terrifies me. Way down in the valley. That's what we used to sing when we marched. I am truly sorry. But feelings do not reality make. Falling.