Again

And then death comes knocking
and of course I let him in
And all the hope collapses
And all is lost again.

Sometimes I can't imagine making it in this life. I just think it is one epic fail after another. I imagine that if God had wanted to help me He would have done so long ago.

And I don't understand freedom. And I don't understand predestination. And I don't understand evil. And I get this feeling that I have outlived my usefulness. I worry that I am even more free than I realized and thus even more culpable.

How long will my heart contend with God? How long will I be a fool. Why must I wrestle? I hear bells.

Sleeping While Covered in Fur

I have always liked cats. I really couldn't say why. I had some good ones in my day. One thing I like is how calm they can be. I like being at peace. I always have. I have not actually always been at peace. And unrest has not always been followed by periods of peace. Unrest has often been followed by more unrest. Perhaps that is why I value peace so...

Peace with God is peace indeed. Other things are incidental. How easy it is to forget that.

A Time to Win and a Time to Lose

The ebb and flow of life with all its struggles, battles, and pain is something that escapes me. Yet the scriptures say:

3:1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
(Ecc. 3:1-8)

There is a time for every heartache and defeat under the sun. Let us- let me- remember that.

And Now Especially...

Love lived seems love lost
Joy remembered seems a ghost
Happy days seem far removed
And I will praise His name.

The dead seem to linger
And their pain is a dam
That holds back all the ocean
But I will praise His name.

The sun seems to hide
Or maybe I am blind
For His word never fails
So will I praise His name.

The earth opens to swallow me
And I stand at the edge
And all the inky blackness
Let all that is within me praise His name.

Epic Fail...

Determined to find meaning in Christmas I have decided to make an effort. I've always wanted to have something to hold onto... but holidays always seem so sad. It's true that I expect an epic fail...

How Long

Psalm 13
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

13:1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

"Light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death..." I think many of us have felt what this request expresses. We may not have the gall to say such things to God. Maybe we feel it's not our place. Maybe we feel we don't deserve it. Maybe this, maybe that- we all feel things that we want to bring to the Lord but for some reason we don't.

Now maybe at the moment you are not thinking to yourself, God make me alive or I will die. However, I'm sure that there is something that you feel that you don't want to bring to God. And I know, it very well may be something like if you don't save me now I'm going to die.

I know that I don't want to bring certain things to God. I also know that I get tired of bringing them. I know that my perseverance fails me. But would it not, in point of fact, be a shame to God to not come through on His word? Of course it would. He has not, does not, and will not fail.

As the blog is changing I decided to try a slightly new look. It will take me some time to work out all the details. Please forgive the annoying bits while I wade through it all. The Lord be praised.

Dear reader,

It occurs to me that I don't seem to listen. That mostly means that you were right and now I am suffering the consequences. Some people say that you have to hit bottom to have a real change of heart. Am I going to find out?

In this world death comes so easy. It comes in many forms. It comes in many ways. Life, on the other hand, seems so hard to come by. Life seems to be the struggle. There is little struggle for death. But life... Funny, the words of God to Cain...

In This War...

I want what I cannot fake. I want what I cannot manufacture myself. I want something so great that it is hard to top it with one's wildest dreams. I want a repentant heart. I want repentance. I think we often deny that we want this when we succumb to easily besetting sins. I think we rationalize, deny, and "justify" our attitudes, feelings, and behaviors. But we all want something real. We don't want the fake. I don't want the fake. I don't want the appearance. I want the real. I want what cannot be faked. In this war...

Emotions can be like a roller-coaster. They are up and down. They move fast. And they can make you feel out of control and at their mercy. It can be really hard to feel.

Fear

Does anyone remember that song that starts, "Deep in the bosom of the gentle night is when I search for the light. Pick up my pen and start to write. I struggle to fight the forces of the pale moonlight... without fear... insomniac." Yeah I thought I would be alone on that one.

I do wonder though. What do you suppose it is like to be without fear? I John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." I wonder if I have not been perfected in love. It does seem like I am afraid an awful lot. Am I afraid of punishment? Well I don't want to take anything out of context-- but it is on my mind.

I am often surprised at what scares me and what doesn't. I would imagine that I am not the only one. I pray that God will deal with me in my fear and teach me what is good about it and what is not. Let Him be praised.

"Of the Imitation of Christ"

I have been reading Thomas A Kempis' book "of the Imitation of Christ" for a couple months now. I wanted to cruise through it-- but it keeps stopping me dead in my tracks. I wanted to quote from it-- but there are at least two lines in every paragraph that cut me to the bone. All in all the book is far more relevant and far more insightful than most of what I have read this year. He saw me coming a mile away.

Here is another sample:

And if he who firmly purposes often fails, what shall he do who seldom, or with little firmness, purposes anything? (-Thomas A Kempis, "of the Imitation of Christ" chapter 19: Exercises of a Religious Person)

How quickly I lose my resolve to fear and shame. How quickly I give in and give up when I should persevere. How quickly I drop and do not even feign to rise. Christ have mercy.

Why is it that walking in the cold makes me feel better?

Dear self,

As the audience is no longer with us (or even important) I feel that I should point out that sometimes you also don't suck-- but only sometimes. And today definitely felt like a wash. Kathy is probably going "eek!" watching the highlights. That was a pretty good impression of Kathy-- too bad no one could hear it.

Dear self,

Sometimes I really hate you. You suck. We were all thinking it- but I have to live with it so I should be the one to say it.

I woke this morning and I thought, "what can I do?". My sins beset me and my hope fails me. What will this day have for me? What have I to offer my God today? All I have is brokenness, weakness, and betrayal. Christ have mercy.

Way down in the valley. I ran down here. Sometimes I think I'm afraid to be up high. Sometimes I think I hide in prison because freedom terrifies me. Way down in the valley. That's what we used to sing when we marched. I am truly sorry. But feelings do not reality make. Falling.

Lord how could it be? The night is long and dark. I cannot see. I do not hear your voice. What way out?

For That Birth

And then it broke one final time
And all was lost in dirt and grime
And on the earth was broken glass
And through the gate I could not pass.

Dark times inside that make me wail
And dream of life beyond the veil
The list of woes I brought in here
Is capped about with angry fear.

The Paralyzed are now my kin
And I can't seem to make it in
And stuck in pieces on the earth
I wait again for that birth.

Sometimes...

Sometimes things are not as you wish they were. It can be trying. You lose one too many battles- or just lose a choice battle that was particularly devastating and life can seem overwhelming. It can feel just like failure is what you were made for. Perhaps you really were made to be a warning to others and all you can think is:

"But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?" (Romans 9:20 ESV)

Question

Are there problems without answers?

New Season

It is time for a change. A new season is about to begin. This season is, of course, winter. I will be blogging again. It will not, however, be the same. As such I will soon cease the re-publishing on Facebook. If anyone is interested they will have to visit the actual blog site which is www.warwithself.blogspot.com

Here's to hope (glass raised).

Dear Reader,

I wonder sometimes. Will I make it? Probably not. Death to the bad and onward we go. Cheers.

A Long Experiment

So I have been having a lovely break from blogging and there are no promises that I will really start back up again. So in case I don't I thought I should just say thank you to all of my readers. The two of you were such an encouragement (drum fill, symbol clash). Cheers.

The weight is such a burden
And all the world it aches
and groans for its redemption
it trembles and it shakes.

The light it seems so weak
Just a sliver in the dark
A tiny shaft cut through the night
and such a tiny spark.

We cry in silence to our gods
And here we see the best
It comes to naught and we are left
With nothing but this test.

The World Slips By

The world slips by
I can feel it fall through my fingers like tiny grains of sand
The night moves on
And now is come like the brightest sun
All in my dreams are safe for a time
But great things begin to stir
And terrible consequences brew and bubble
The world will soon be on fire
and not just in my dreams...

A Break In The Shooting

The shooting stopped days ago
Must be wounded good
but where are you progenitor?
And why should I have stood?

The last round hit me bad old man
Did it shake your grave?
Did you weep and cry for me?
To see me misbehave?

You'd think I'd been done feeling this
And long ago done trying
But all the world's awash in this
And all my heart's for crying.

Case of the Mondays

I know what you are thinking... and we are all glad that Brazil has babies AND access to the internet.

Paddle In The Water

Sometimes things are as they seem. You think they are terrible because they really are. You feel they are great because, hey, they are actually great.

Do you ever wonder why you wonder about why you might think otherwise?

The Real

The real weighs like lead
And sometimes it really is gold
And always I hear it screaming
And always it makes me feel old.

The real is why I run
The real is why I stay
The real is why I weep
And why it turned out this way.

Hiding makes for nothing
But prisons in the mind
And all the real I would avoid
One day I know I'll find...

YouTube Is Just So Wonderful

Quote of the Week XL

Needless to say, this behavior was not only entirely predictable, it was predicted by many on both sides of the test standards issue. Personally, I don't care either way. As far as I'm concerned, attempting to fine-tune mass public education through technical measures falls well into the lipstick-on-a-pig category. (-Vox Day)

"I would rather feel contrition than know the definition thereof." - Thomas a Kempis
from chapter 1 of the first book in "Of The Imitation of Christ"

How many things do I know of that I do not practice? How much condemnation am I in danger of falling under?

I know many definitions- but do I live many of them? I think not. My mind and heart and spirit are not always in accord. I am weary with learning because I am slow to do.

If I was faithful to even a quarter of the knowledge I had...

So many vanities...

My heart breaks a thousand times
And then a thousand more
I wish that I could see my dream
And walk upon that shore.

Thou long afflicted by your sin
Come with me to sing this song
Gird your loins and lift your voice
The day is nigh; the night is long.


Though thou wish for brighter days
They come not at thy beck and call
And now we sing in darkest night
And under stars we beat the wall.

Sometimes and for a moment...

I imagine sometimes a place where things make sense and all the flowers bloom- the piano plays and the drinks are smooth... And all my fears do not make me alone. The life flows deep and so do I. Rythms are not foreign; they are inside me.

A place that I have not ruined. A place that is not dead. And all the tears are wiped away. Every single tear.

I imagine a place that is not here. And sometimes I wish it were now.

Some days are like fire
Some days are like bliss
Some days are heavy
And some like a kiss

I cannot imagine
when I am alone
how I will make it
And what will be done.

Some pains are fire
and some pains are bliss
some pains are heavy
and some like a kiss...

Be at rest
Find peace my soul
Take all the pieces to the whole
Bind them up and make them sing
Let the dead to life us bring

You have fallen very far
And all the death and weakness choke
And though you cannot see the sun
Listen to the one who spoke

Be at rest
Find peace my soul
Though you hear the darkest song
Be at rest
Find peace my soul
Though it seems forever long
Be at rest
Find peace my soul
Listen to your maker's voice
Be at rest
Find peace my soul
Be at rest.

Quote of the Week XXXVIV

...what if I had? What if this wasn't happening? What if I had made it better? And then what happens in a situation like that is that you get so wrapped up in it that you have to come back to the reality of the grief. You tell yourself a story and all of a sudden you have to remember that it's not true. (Joss Wedon, Concerning the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode "The Body")

Blessings are made with blood
And peace is brought by sword
And Lions rip off scaly flesh
To bring us back to life.

Men are made with fire
And chiseled hard with steel
The way to life is dire
And many fall away.

The greatest praise I save for thee-
The one who breaks my bones
The one who brings me to the thick
And drags me through the fight.

So much so soon
And grey is here
And all we hate
We soon hold dear.

I wonder how the day will end
And know I do not have the strength
And so I turn another bend
And look outside to see.

I miss the things that held me most
And hate the missing in my heart
And fear the road that travels strait
And wonder if I'll make it far.

Day by day I take this time
Not too far might I see
Day by day I pray to you
Please, oh please make me be.

Dr. Horrible says:

"Sometimes there is a third even deeper layer that is just like the first..."

Hope

Hope is found in surprising places. We do not often see it coming. It is good to hope. I would like to hope more. Hope is not something you can create. Let us look to the one who can can create it.

Quote of the Week XXXVIII

Thus men, extending their inquiries beyond their capacities, and letting their thoughts wander into those depths where they can find no sure footing, it is no wonder that they raise questions and multiply disputes, which, never coming to any clear resolution, are proper only to continue and increase their doubts, and to confirm them at last in perfect scepticism. (John Locke, An Essay Concerning Humane Understanding)

Theodicy

Voddie Baucham "If God is so powerful and so Good, why do bad things happen?"



He is so right on that I don't even know where to begin.

Trust

I remember a time when I trusted the Lord more than I trusted anyone else. I remember a time when I did not trust Him hardly at all. The thing that gets me, is that He actually goes out of His way (so to speak) to periodically remind me that I can and should trust Him. Clearly He does not owe me any sort of further proof of His trustworthyness. There is no reason for me to doubt Him. Yet His mercy endures. He is patient. He leads me by the hand. He guards and protects me. It is something truly remarkable to trust someone. Let me put my trust where it belongs.

Trial Part III

...

Sometimes I am amazed at the compassion of my Lord. Sometimes there is so much to think about and so little to say...

To My Love V

I am for your liberty
And I desire that you be free
And all the world I wish for you
And pray that all your loves be true.

I imagine you to be
In a place where I can't see
And I wish that I would never do
Terrible hurtful things to you.

I imagine that won't be
Unless you never actually see
Me in all my favourite things
Me at all and what that brings.

But what if it is stuck in you?
That need for me like I need you
And though I seem a helpless case
Still you must needs see my face...

All above I pray for you
And trust that our King will see you through
And though in life we may never meet
Still my heart it skips a beat.

And though the thought that I might see
Makes me feel eternity
Still I wonder at the dream
And wonder at just how it seems.

Be well my love until the end
Be well my love around the bend
And all the parts you cannot see
Trust in Him to be with me.

Pancakes and Coffee

Some mornings, when you really do not know what to do with yourself, an opportunity presents itself (as the common phrase in English goes). Other times you just have pancakes and sip your coffee.

This morning I am sipping my coffee (the pancakes were fine, if you really must know). So I will get ready to go and do... well, I guess I'll go to work and wait, as it were. And in times like this I find that Jesus is what I really want. I wish it did not take times like this to remind me that Jesus is all I really want.

I do not want answers as much as I want Jesus. I do not want a way out- I want a way in. I do not want the pain to stop- I want to feel the presence of God. When times are desperate I do not want my life to go on- I want my spirit to be at peace with Jesus. There is only this King Jesus and He has made the world and He will cover it with fire. He has come as a man to die and He will return with a Sword in His mouth to Judge as God.

Sometimes things present themselves. Other times we have pancakes and coffee. At all times Jesus is Lord.

Quote of the Week XXXVII

I am a ghost... I entered the eighteenth circle of hell a long time ago. ("Number Four" from the film Broken Trail, after she was raped the first time in the film)

Begging your pardon...

My apologies for the long unexplained absence. I have been elsewhere than norm and have had a somewhat finicky internet connection. I hope to resume by early next week- if not sooner.

Quote of the Week XXXVI

"Love isn't brains, children, it's blood -- blood screaming inside you to work its will... (Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer "Lover's Walk" Season 3)

Trial 2