Identity

Where do I come from?
I just want to know
(thinking somehow I'll know then something).

If I come from nowhere
Where can I go?
(Perhaps it is nowhere and I wait to die).

Why can't I see you?
Inside my mind.
(Are you a figment of my broken soul?)

I do not know me
And I cannot find
(I have no hist'ry and nowhere to hide)

Please tell me something
Something that's true
(For I am a vapour yearning for you).

Please do not leave me
For I am all fear
(And I do not know, how to be here).

To My Love III

And then again and all at once
I couldn't hear and couldn't fight
And all my strength was washed away
And everything was hanging...

I don't know the smallest thing
And I can't hold to everything
and every single word I hear
Is like again to kill me dear...

I am so low
I am so low
Down here we go
Down here so low.

I never thought you'd ever hear
And all the dreams I wasted dear
I never thought that I would land
Just thought that I was drifting...

I always wanted just one thing
But never ever could begin
And every time I close my eyes
I see the dead before me...

I am so low
I am so low
Down here we go
Down here so low.

I used to think so many things
that now I think are terrible
And all the times I thought of you
I never thought you'd come...

I am dreaming of my God
And everyone is seeking Him
And I am running through the throng
Running home to Him...

I am so low
I am so low
Down here we go
Down here so low.

Until the day when every wrong
Is made to right- I can't go on
But on and on the world just goes
And all inside is broken...

But I hold out this very hope
And I just thought that you should know
And every time I think of you
I'll pray that you are flying...

Quote of the Week XII

"Why would you have Denny's lighting in your home?"

(From the illustrious thug, "Bonesey")

Why?

Have you ever thought about how bad things make you appreciate good things? For instance, if you are really thirsty, a tall cool glass of water is appreciated a lot more than if you are not. If you have been poor, money may be appreciated a lot more when you have it than if you had always had plenty. How many times have you realized just how much you cared for someone after it was too late (one way or another)? We all know of some things that we not only appreciate better after some sort of lack or suffering-- but also we know of things that we probably would not appreciate at all if we had not, "gone without."

It may very well be that the pain of this life is for something in "the next." I sure would like that. I think you would, too.

To My Love II

Will it be safe to hurt with you?
I hope so.
Will it be as I could hope
And will you take from me this coil?
And will you not turn me away
When you are not enough to cheer?

I will wait and hope some more
And everything that I wish for
Will be out there and me in here
As you are not yet with me dear.

I am not well tonight.
I hope that you are better off
But if you're not I'll still be here
But I am not enough to cheer
And if you're not I'll sit by you
A long way off until it's true
And if you're not remember this
I am broken, too.

Chalcedon

I was reading an entry from the Catholic Encyclopedia last night that was fascinating. I always love the amount of seemingly obscure historical detail found in the entries there (there is a link to the main page on the right). What I found the most interesting is all the drama and backdrop that was explained before getting to the stuff I had already heard. For instance, the council met somewhere else and then had to move to Chalcedon(near Constantinople) at the "request" of the emperor. Disputed issues of jurisdiction between Bishops were settled. Also, there was a giant controversy (discussed at the council) prior to the meetings that led to the death of a Bishop. And there was so much more. It reminded me of my life. I wonder how many times I have given a thirty-second version of something that involved sin, betrayal, and death. There is so much that we often leave out. Sometimes, perhaps, we shouldn't.

Christ Have Mercy

"One of illegitimate birth shall not enter the assembly of the Lord; even to the tenth generation none of his descendants shall enter the assembly of the Lord."

(Deuteronomy 23:2 NKJV)

I believe that the double-edged sword has laid the blow that no one else could really make. It seems to me that here and now the Holiness of God brings fear. And so we must fear the Lord. I begin to see the holiness of the Lord as something that is not peripheral. It is not something abstract. It is not something that makes me at all comfortable with myself. Christ have mercy.

Hallelujah

Life so hard I cannot take
And pain so heavy I cannot stand
Another brick and I will break
My load is like a sea of sand.

Oh the joy of just one glimpse
And how I love the slightest breeze
And dreaming on now ever since
I fear the fear my heart will seize.

I cannot bear the pain today
And in this moment I can't stand
I am never here this way
And in this sea I see no land.

Michael row my boat somewhere
Please, I beg of you
Place within my heart somehow
A hallelujah to see me through.

The Fallen And Me A Step Behind

I was just thinking about my dad, my uncle, Richard Harrington III, Mike, Chris, Jess, Doug, Lauren, and Nick. I miss them and I can't get any of them back. I wish they were all still here. In James 1:17 it says, "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." (NKJV)

I wonder when I read that. No variation. The God who does the one thing is the same God who does another. There is no shadow of turning. The God who raises the dead is the same God who cuts down men like wheat. The way He was then is the way He is now. He is the same in the old testament as He is in the new. The scriptures say that God is constant.

Sometimes I find that hard to swallow, but other times, I realize that I need Him to be, or all those people that I can't get back... well, I sometimes realize that if God changes, I am doomed.

Thank you Lord, for being the rock of my salvation. Grief assails me heavy and hard-- Oh Lord, do not delay.

James and Spiritual Discipline

I have been muddling my way through trying to memorize the book of James (it's in the Bible for those of my readers outside the circle of contextual knowing). I am almost through two chapters and I have to say I really think that I could do a better job of it. I think that I really haven't made faster progress because I haven't put in more frequent (or smarter) practice.

Memorization is a wonderful spiritual discipline. It is, however, quite obviously, a discipline. Let us not forget that work is not antithetical to grace.

To My Love I

I am the dead one, the low one
I am the weak one, the bad one
I am always stuck, but never still
And I do fear the coming kill.

I've spent nothing, but nothing's here
And all my labours dissapear
The darkness without is not the fear
It's the darkness within that scares me dear.

I have not the wherewithal
To stand up strait and stand up tall
I seem to stand-- and that upright
But like a puppet, it's the strings I fight.

And all the world conspires again
And I am ready for the blow
And all my fears are justified
I just thought that you should know.

You are probably being great
And being someone I am not
While I am doing things I hate
And hating all the things I've got.

If I could claw my way up there
To the light I've rarely seen
Perhaps I'd catch a glimpse of you
But only God can intervene.

Quote of the Week XI

"Grace, we must learn, is opposed to earning, not to effort."

(From the series introduction by Dallas Willard found in Love Your God With All Your Mind by J.P. Moreland)

Going Back?

I feel mostly unprepared. We shall see.

In every war there is a turning point. There is always a turn. Why not today?