On Praise

Growing up I might have had one too many let downs to handle on my own- and I certainly did not go try and get any help- I was a kid, I didn't know what was going on. I started to expect the worse after I had a few bad experiences "early in the game", so to speak. I have not really escaped that one. There are still some chickens in the coop (if you know what I mean). But anyways, I did not trust very easily (like a beaten dog, I suppose) and once I stopped trusting myself, it got much worse. There was really no need to convince me of the total depravity of Man. In fact, I wouldn't hear anything else. By the time I was ten, I knew that life was mean, nasty, and brutish. By the time I was twelve, I was already reading, drinking coffee everyday, writing poetry, and brooding constantly. If you had put me in a black turtleneck sweater and given me a pipe- you would have believed I was an old man with some sort of genetic disease that made me look young. You did not have to diagnose the problem when you were presenting me with the Gospel- I already knew I was dead if I was left to my own devices- and I knew the rest of you were too.
It was hard to grasp anything. I searched in books for things you cannot find in books. I forsook children my own age and sought out instead my elders to converse with. I was lost in pain. Really, I was quite a disturbing child- not that it was readily apparent for all to see- but I am just letting you know. So when I say that I found it ackward to be praised or complimented I hope that you will perhaps have a better understanding of why. Now this is the thing. I still do not usually take compliments well. If you are lucky, I will just shrug it off as a joke and insignificant. If you are not so lucky, I will distrust you, thinking that you probably want something that I would not approve of. Yes it is possible (as absurd as it sounds) to compliment me and then watch those words turn sour in my insides. It is possible to be kind and have me take it as meanness. What is the point of all this? you may wonder. The point is this: "Every good gift, and every perfect gift comes from up above from the father of heavenly lights with whom there is no shadow of turning." (James 1)
I do not write here to vent and gain some sort of cathartic healing. I no longer am under the illusion that my problems are, were, or will be unique in the world. I do not just write for myself. The Lord is the giver of good gifts. This is not important only for me. At some point, if you truly have faith in Jesus Christ and believe that His word is true in what it says about Him, you will have to be affected in your mind. I cannot go on forever in this life always thinking that gifts are a trick or a test. And neither can anyone reading this. Now I have been recently surprised when I was complimented and praised in what normally I would have considered an extravigant manner. But the Lord is God; the Lord is one. I was surprised because I believed the person. I will not say the praise did not make me nervous- but for the first time in a long time, I believed someone who had something nice to say. This is the work of God. I did not think the person was lying, or looking for something, or that their praise did not matter. I may have tried to dismiss it with my mouth- but in my heart I was actually stunned with my acceptance of it and of the implications that that had. How perfectly this ties into the first chapter of James. How important it is that God does not change. He can be trusted- and a wound from someone you trust is worth a lot more than gold from an enemy. But God is no enemy of mine- and what then is it to have a good gift from Him? It is life.

On Family

You know family is a good thing. I did not know most of my family growing up- and most of them were not a very big part of my life. But I found family in the Church. My Christian brothers and sisters are many of them "closer than a brother" to me. It is amazing that I have gotten this far in life- but it is not without my "Family". It is good to belong. I do not take kindly to attacks on my own- and unlike some- my own is not always flesh and blood. They have taken care of me- and I must do the same. Without Loyalty, it is hard to trust. And without trust, it is hard to live. I used to think that I didn't need much family and that it wasn't really anything all that good- but really I just found those who were loyal and they became my family- whether they were related to me by blood- like my sisters or my mother- or they were of the same spirit, like the doctor and Schaeffer- or they had bent over backwards out of love like my step-father. This was my family- and so I had lied to myself when I had told myself that I did not need family. It turned out I thought my family was more important to me than many of the people I knew who always said they thought their family was important.
Now I have been blessed with meeting more of my "actual" family. This has been a bit humbling. Have you ever felt like you came from nowhere? Have you ever felt like you had no roots? Like you were not connected to anything naturally? I did, but it is not the case. I did come from somewhere- and I am connected. I thank God for the opportunity to see those connections and pray that he would continue to give me a humble spirit and the faith to step forward.

When I Pass

Do not cry when they take me
Do not shed your tears
Do not wail for me in the streets

When they strike me with there rifles hard
And I can't stay on my feet

Listen as I tell you
Do not hold fear
This world is not home

Do not miss me
I will be gone
Don't cry in the streets.

I will be happy
And you'll go on
Don't cry in the streets

They cannot be bold
Their lives are on hold
Do not hold their fear
Call Him and draw near.

The lights I see
You will see too
I know you'll go on.

You might miss me
But you'll get through
This life is not long.

I remember
And you should too,
Don't cry in the streets.

To My Niece, Lily

When I first held you in my arms
Everything stopped
There was no one else
And time did not disturb
As I held the most precious thing
That I had ever known
I felt so inadequate
And the world was so dangerous
And you were so small
I knew one day you would need help
And that I would not be there
And that you would be alone.
So I prayed this prayer:

Lord, you who are above all gods,
You who have made the heavens and the earth
You who know the hearts of all men,
The Lord of lords and the God of gods,
Cause the light of your face to shine upon this girl
And give to her the knowledge of your son Jesus-
For there is no other name under heaven by which men may be saved.

And I will continue to pray this prayer
While there is yet breath in my lungs
Sleep well, precious one,
No sparrow falls.

One Man Says

In a war there is death
And someone's going to lose
In a war inside yourself
You will always lose
Even if you win
When your hands are drenched in your own red blood
And you are truly dead
What will be left?
Of course you will need a resurection
If you win, you are dead.

Of My Fear

Hold me this night
For I cannot bear the weight of myself
Hold me tight
For it feels as if I don't exist
Sing to me,
Because if I hear your voice,
I can hold on
Whisper to me
Because if I feel your breath,
I can let go.

On Bacon

I really like bacon. It is definitely one of my favourite foods. What I like the most about it is the different textures it can have depending on how it is cooked. It really reminds me of ice. You know you can go climb the same waterfall seven times and you might have seven different experiences on the same waterfall. This is just like bacon. It's all bacon- and I usually like it all- but it can be thin or thick and fat. It can be dripping wet juicy and greasy or it can be lighter and crispy. It can have a myriad of colours from dark almost burnt brown to a lighter red with white stripes. It is beautiful in all its forms and I cannot tell you enough how I love it. Ahhh... bacon. And by the way- Julie Elliott rocks! Some TA's are just better than others. Ahhh... bacon.

I know Love

I understand what it is like to think first and act second. I know how difficult it can be to wait for thoughts to finish themselves in others and in yourself. But really what do I know? Do I know fear? Do I know pain? Maybe I know these things a bit. But what do I really know? I know confusion and I know love. God showed his love for me in this, that while I was yet a sinner He died for me. I do not think confusion needs much explanation. My thoughts are so often muddied by my sins and my mind so often in need of renewal that moments of clarity sound trumpets and ride in on white horses because they are so far different from the usual experience. But love... amidst the realization of the utter failure of self is the act of Jesus Christ on the cross. His purchase of the Church by his blood, His saving of all of me- this is love. I remember how as a small child I was so utterly devestated by the sin in myself. I remember the fear of punishment when the realization of my sin hit me like falling rock in the chest at the age of eight. I remember going to my knees- because that seemed the most appropriate before the Creator of the universe. I remember asking him to forgive me my sins. I remember asking him to come into my heart (this was the phrase I had heard at church- though not an entirely bad one). I knew I was wrong. I knew I was a sinner. People say to me now, "you were just influenced by your parents- you only believed you were a sinner because you trusted them". I really wish people would listen to themselves sometimes before they opened their mouths. I really wish I would listen to myself before I blurted things out. Even if that were true (I'm being a bit more than generous here) it still wouldn't change much. I put on a coat when it is cold first because I was taught it. I look both ways before crossing the street because I was told to by my parents. I share my cookies because my mom influenced me. The list of things that I know, the list of things that I believe, the list of things that I base decisions upon- this list of things is a list of the labour my parents love. Maybe some do not think that they need to teach their children anything. Maybe they think the government should do that (as if it even could). But it is the job of parents to raise up their children in the fear of the Lord. If they do not fear the Lord, then they will not teach their children. But this is love. Jesus Christ died for me. I know this. I know it more than the confusion in my own heart and mind. I know love.

On Waiting

Have you ever had to wait on something that really was quite difficult? Perhaps something that was hard to not want? Something that was frustrating to wait for? Something that you really wanted? Have you ever had to wait on another person? Do you really hate the anticipation, the uncertainty, the longing? Like pain, I have spent a lot of time waiting. My two constant friends, the pain and the wait. They always seem to be there. There are some pains that God chooses not to take away. These are always with me. There are some things that I cannot make myself stop longing for- and these I wait for. There are places inside that I do not like to visit- places I do not let people into. It is in the fear that my true qualities are manifest. In the calm, many act well. It is in the fear.

On Desire

You never can just change your own feelings. And it is hard to read the feelings of others. I, myself am quite adept at being cryptic when I want to and hurtfull when I am scared. Sometimes I pray for more sensitivity. Sometimes I pray for what I want. Fences are unpleasant things to walk upon.

In That Place I Broke With Movement

Dip down and wet your weary brow
The stream runs cold through dark green woods
The light filters through the moving canopy
And your sweat runs now to the sea.

On Joviality

The louder the laugh the greater the gain if the laugh is from within and is not feigned

On Preparedness

I find it is much less disconcerting to fail when you have spent a lot of time preparing for an endeavor. It is like then you really actually tried something. If you just show up and fail- or even succeed- what is that? If you have not invested into a thing- what does your failure or succes give you? It gives you nothing, most times. If you fail without investing you fail before you begin- you fail when you do not invest- not when you see the failure at hand. And if you succeed without investment (in most things) what have you really gained?

me 

On Home

I always feel like going to the mountains is like going home. But that is not quite true. Going to the mountains is going closer to death. Going to the mountains is suffering and trial. There is only the peace of pain and beauty so cruelly intermingled. One day I will no longer tire and the climb will end. Praise Him who has created all.

On Knowledge

I have learned four things that I am certain of in my short time here on earth so far.

1) You need to know and understand the truth.

2) Knowing and understanding the truth is not enough in and of itself.

3) You have to do something.

4) You are powerless to do it.