On ambiguity

So when you want to understand something that is ambiguous and you cannot get a verbal explanation- what exactly do you do? So you want something- you can't seem to get it, and you can't seem to get a strait answer- but it's like you have enough of an answer to think abandoning it would be proper- but not enough to actually change your feelings and cause you to give up hope? Introspection will only get you so far- but I am prone to it. But it is not enough- knowledge is never enough. You always need something more. And you never have all the information when you make decisions and choose to act or not act on things- yet you make these choices every day. So when you are in conflict with yourself (or so you think- even though it may be just conflict with circumstances)- how do you address your feelings and act with a seeming lack of information. Giving up is hard.

On my Rock

Praise be the name of the Lord,
For He has heard my cry and answered me.
Praise be the name of the Lord
For He has rescued me from the pit, from the open grave.
He is not slow as some reckon slowness-
But His hand is swift in trouble
And His mercy abounds towards me.
Praise be the name of the Lord,
For I am not swallowed up by the grave,
I am not consumed.
Let the heavens and earth declare:
Praise be the name of the Lord.

On Fatigue

While tired, temptations increase. Should one then avoid all things that make one tired? When does avoiding temptation go from being wise to being rediculous? At what point does it change? You cannot plan for everything. It is also unwise to not plan.

Quelquefois

Quelquefois, je pense en rouge.

On Faith

I never think that I'm on the same page when I talk with someone I don't know about faith- and I am usually right in thinking that. Everyone who has faith in things different than I do seems to want to deny that they have any faith at all. What is it about faith that is hard to define? Why is it so often compared to reason when the two do not describe the same things. They apples and oranges and yet they get treated like apples and rotten apples. The point is, it is a good policy to avoid using vocabulary that you really cannot define yourself.

On the Man's Dime

So I was driving down a dirt road today and I saw a post man in a quasi-secluded parkinglot taking a nap in his little mail-mobile.

How did I get here?

Have you ever woke up one day and wondered how in the world you could have possibly gotten here? Have you ever thought that there is no way that you could possibly have planned on being where you are now? Hmm... well, my friend Mocha started a blog too. She is a little nervous, but I assured her that no one could actually see her. I think she's off to a good start. www.eyesofmocha.blogspot.com Rock on mocha! Oh, and if you figure out how I got here- don't tell me, I don't think it will help.

On Dreaming

I have dreamed a dream I do not see save in my mind's eye. I cannot let go (though I try) though unrequited will I suffer as I wait for the ship to sink. It is a funny thing to want what cannot be taken- when it is not offered freely to you you have no recourse. You may wait. One may always wait. One may die waiting. Perhaps the ship will sink soon and the waiting will be over- then one may swim to shore and start new once again. But there is always the hope that that world is just another day over the horizon. If we could turn off our feelings- I suspect many of us would never have any, because we would not turn them back on.

On Wanting

Wanting is a tricky thing. I am not sure that it is tricky just because of language, however. When you want things that harm you- such as a second gallon of ice cream when you are fat, or when you want to view pornographic material knowing it will eat away another little piece of you inside, or when you want another line of coke, knowing that it might very well kill your physical body, or when you want another drink- knowing full well your wife might leave you and take the kids, or when you want to cheat on a test, even though you know and believe that it will damage the system and keep you from learning and growing- and possibly get you kicked out of school if you are caught, or when you want a boyfriend or girlfriend just so that you can be validated and have the whole in your soul partially covered- even though you know that "that is not what you really want"- in all of these things and more there is an internal tension. And the language here might confuse but it might also offer the key. What does it mean to want something that will harm you? Do you really want to harm yourself?

On Waking

Jeff Benowitz once told me that finding out that the world was only just under six thousand years old would be like being a bus driver and waking up one day and discovering that buses didn't exist. At first I thought this was a bit much- but now I am not so sure. I think perhaps it is an appropriate metaphor. But how many times have I woken up and found out there were no buses? Well, not everyday- but it has happened. I think this will prove to be the case with the war with self. I do not think it will be pleasant. I think the big question will be what have I been doing? Because, of course, there are no buses.

On Dying

The thing with dying is- it happens a lot and in a lot of ways. Now some of those ways are good and some of those ways are bad. Dying inside- that's bad. Dying to yourself- that's good. But what does it mean to die to yourself? Why is it that anyone would want to die to yourself? Is it just some strange metaphor for not being selfish? It seems a bit extreme a metaphor if that is all that it means. If you are alive in Christ, why would you want to die to yourself? Wouldn't that be dying to Christ? Well, no one that I know is saying that, of course... but what are they saying? What is this self that you should die to? Are you supposed to kill a part of yourself? Are you at war with yourself?

On Struggles

Why is it that you can struggle with something, give in, and then feel defeated? Are you really struggling with yourself? What is the difference between temptation and desire? If you are tempted to do something, do you, or do you not desire to do it? And if you do desire to do it, what makes it different from desiring something else that is not a temptation? Surely no one is going to suggest that temptation and desire are the same things, so what are they? How are they different?

On Expression

It seems to me that expression is a funny thing. By funny, I do not mean funny ha-ha. I mean it is odd or peculiar at times- but often difficult and obscure. Do we really want to communicate when we express ourselves? Or do we just want to unload something off of our chests? Hmmm...
Here's me showing up. I don't know what I'm doing? I just showed up and started typing. But why is it that I am typing?