A Brief Thought On Faith and Reason

‘there is no reason without faith, and no faith without reason: they are inextricably connected. They appear disjointed and opposed only when reason is understood in the narrow sense of positivism and faith is understood in the narrow sense of fideism.’ (Alban McCoy, An Intelligent Person’s Guide to Catholicism, (Continuum), p. 3.)

I couldn't agree more. Having spent eight months studying this very topic for a paper I wrote, I understand these words in a way that I could not have before. Try and separate them. I dare you. Faith and Reason are joined at the hip-- have at it if you like though.

On Failure

Failure is always a hard thing to cope with. Sometimes it's hard because our expectations were not met. We really thought that we could do better than that (and by extension, rightly or wrongly, we really thought we were better than that). Sometimes it is hard because it is embarrassing or shameful. We may have failed in front of others and they now think less of us (or we think they do, anyways). Of course, other times failure could be hard because it means we lose something. You fail at fidelity and you might lose your wife. You fail on a climb in the mountains and you might lose your friends life. You fail on a test (or series of tests) and you lose an opportunity to go to a school that you had hoped would furnish you with certain opportunities that you really do not think you will get anywhere else.

Failure is often hard for all sorts of reasons. I think that when we fail, we can react in a host of different ways. Some of those ways, though, are failures themselves. Getting back up is not always so easy. I hope that we all remember God when we fail. Let us not despise his rebuke and correction.

John, Barrack, and the Optimism I Found at DeadHorse

Does it get you down, thinking about choosing between McCain and Obama? Are you tempted to sit this one out? Do you find yourself thinking that maybe if these are the choices it just doesn't matter? Well, I sympathize with you. I would like to suggest, however, that you not forgo your local and state elections while in the throughs of a national voting depression. Primaries are coming up in Alaska and other states. Think a little smaller scale and consider trusting in God even when your choices seem... less than ideal. Voting is not something you should take for granted. And don't forget, you can always write in Mickey Mouse for president.

Fictional Emotional Undisciplined Expression

In the latest Batman installment, the character of Rachel Dawes says to Bruce Wayne, "Don't make me your only hope for a normal life." I thought that was just a bit on the odd side. It seemed like she really wanted to say something else (and maybe meant something else), but said that instead. I think she should have stuck to something like, "I really don't want to date you." I mean we all have "conflicting" feelings now and again, but does every feeling need a voice? If you were to voice all of your feelings all the time to a person, then every time they were in conflict you would confuse the person you were speaking to. Ask yourself this, "do I really want to confuse the people I care about?"

Quote of the Day (Chuckle)

Being a Christian has nothing whatsoever to do with being nice. And all are fallen, every single one. Some of us simply see little point in trying to hide our flaws. Now, your mileage may vary, but I happen to prefer open and snarling disagreement to the false smiles, whispers, and knives in the back that permeate so much of Churchianity.

- Vox Day

"I don't want to survive. I want to live." -- This from the fat cartoon captain in "Wall-E". I am definiely with him on this one.

Of Dreams And Reality

My my how things have gone
And how they change so suddenly
Even though the work was on
It's always only the fruit we see.

But while we slept oblivious
And dreamed of things that could not be
The Ghost came deep inside of us
And planted seeds we could not see.

And now the dreams grow out from in
And we are shocked to find them there
For we had looked for foolishness
But found much better weights to bear.

Do you wonder at the way?
Or do you ponder on the why?
Yet here we are with these things
The Ghost has placed in us to fly.

Shift

There then I saw a thing
A thing I had not thought to see
And though it looked askance at me
I knew where I would want to be.

To shift this way and see anew
Is a thing that's hard to do
And all the old ways must perchance
Be undone far in advance.

Before the new might come to light
That I might walk so upright
And see the world in this new way
For I have seen a thing today.

Happy Thoughts Of Things Gone Wrong?

Looking back you made me think
And really not so long ago
And though we never speak these days
I wonder what you really wanted.

The feelings just don't go away
And like a glacier I move on
It seems like there was more to say
But maybe yet again I'm wrong.

Although the trust just isn't there
And all our hearts went through a sieve
I'd like to think some pleasant things
And maybe just one more thing to give.

Goals and Dreams

Sometimes when you cannot sleep things come to you. Sometimes the things that come to you are unexpected and frightening. God has his ways. I trust Him a lot more than I trust you...and a whole lot more than I trust myself. I dream of peace. I dream of a happy sleep that is only interrupted by a sweet smell and soft skin. I guess we all have dreams. I know I am looking forward to a day of peace-- in this life, or the next. What are you looking forward to?

A Doctor For The Healthy?

Me and the worst of us are lined up today
See us in our fancy armour in our great array
We coat the field like dust and filth
And when we march the earth is moved.

Me and mine are on the move
And with our strength we must prove
That all your goodness will come to naught
And you are helpless and distraught.

The times you fall we rise to cheer
And in the night we feed on fear
All that shines we seek to dull
And crush and break the honest skull.

Think not for what you wish to see
For we will take it far from thee
Think not on all those things above
For we are here to crush your love.

Me and the worst of us are want to hide
And in the corners of your heart reside
We wait for you to rise and hope it's high
For when you fall from there you'll surely die.

There will be blood
Or so I'm told
And so I've thought for oh so long
And though I've never feared the time
I wonder now how you'll hold on.

There will be pain
there always was
And I am not above that price
And all we've sold is naught today
But we will feel it when it comes.

There will be love
I think you'll see
And it will surprise you at the time
But all the pain that came before
Will keep it hid I think you'll see.

There will be blood
Someone must pay
And we will give as we must
And though we wish it otherwise
There is just this one way.

And Things Always Work Out-- But Not Necessarily The Way You Thought

So I wasn't thinking about it but now I am. "Things don't always work out the way you plan..." Sounds like something I would say, but that wasn't me. But now I am thinking about it. (Which means that I can share the "worry" load)... good times... worth it... hmmm...

There Are These Things

There are these things we hope we'll find
And sometimes when we do
It stops us short and makes us blind
In darkness we see through.

There are these times we wish would stop
But on and on they go
And though we shout and cry in tears,
Wishing makes nothing so.

There are these people we really love
And sometimes far too late
We realize we hadn't said enough
But too late is just too late.

Have you ever wondered about the importance of distinguishing between category and magnitude?

Until We Meet Again

The death of a friend is always difficult. I really wish it weren't so. I do not wish it was different because I do not like the difficulty. I wish it was different because I wish you were still with us. I miss you Nick. I miss you a lot. I am sorry our time together here had to end so soon. It will never be the same without you. Farewell until we meet again.

Mornings

I am not what you would call a morning person. I once had a girlfriend who said she liked mornings best-- we're not together anymore (and I still can't find a dash on my keyboard). The thing is, although it is pregnant with possibility-- I'm not around to see it. New day, new chances-- sure, but how about new afternoon, new chances? Anyways, when I awake like a zombie and head for the bathroom, the last thing I want to hear is... well, anything. I don't want to hear any music. I don't want to hear any questions. I don't want to see anything you have to show me. I figure that if it's good at nine in the morning, it will be good at noon.

This is not to say that I haven't learned to live with other people-- I just (like everyone else I have ever met) like things a certain way. If there is any noise in the morning, I want to be the cause of it (right now, one of you is thinking that I am going to be horrified if I ever have kids-- I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it). I know pastors that love mornings-- I don't know what that is like. I do know, that I love late-night conversations, however-- and those certainly do not go well with early mornings.

So if you are one of those people who just love mornings-- fear not, I will not take them from you. You can have them. They are all yours. I will see you sometime after noon.

The District 7 State House Race

As many of you know, Schaeffer Cox is running against Mike Kelly in district 7 this summer. If anyone is interested, Schaeffer is holding a barbecue at Ballaine lake on Farmer's Loop on Saturday from noon-8pm. If you want to show support or ask him questions, or even just look him in the eye to size him up-- you should stop by Ballaine lake.

Welcome Back... To Myself

I have been away from the internet for awhile. I apologize for not giving notice of my absence prior. It is a wonderful fairbanks summer again. I am happy to return to the blogosphere.

Quote of the Week VII

Whether the treatment of that portion of our knowledge which lies within the province of pure reason advances with that undeviating certainty which characterizes the progress of science, we shall be at no loss to determine. If we find those who are engaged in metaphysical pursuits unable to come to an understanding as to the method which they ought to follow; if we find them, after the most elaborate preparations, invariably brought to a stand before the goal is reached, and compelled to retrace their steps and strike into fresh paths, we may then feel quite sure that they are far from having attained to the certainty of scientific progress, and may rather be said to be merely groping about in the dark. (Kant, Immanuel. "Critique of Pure Reason" Barnes and Noble; New York: 2004)

Quote of The Week VI

When testing world views we cannot presuppose the truth of a given context or framework, for that is precisely what is being tested. Combinationalism cannot be a test for the context (or model) by which the very facts, to which the combinationalists appeal, are given meaning. An apologist, for example cannot legitimately appeal to the miracle of Christ's resurrection as a proof for the existence of God. Unless there was already a God to perform that miracle (or act of God), the ressurection could not be a miraculous confirmation of God's existence. Acts of God presuppose a God who can act. And to presuppose a God who can act in order to prove by one of his acts that he exists is viciously circular reasoning.

(Norman Geisler. Page 129 of "Christian Apologetics". Baker Book House; Grand Rapids: 2006)

The Heart Is Held

But what could I give you if I wished?
And what could take the death from you again?
And all this talk of leaving so far gone for now
And every kiss a bitter memory.
But in these things you still remain
The questions and the still-born pain
These things I carry in my sack
That weigh me down and keep me back
These things that keep you close to me
Are never things I want to see.
And never do I let them go
But I'm not holding on, you know,
And it makes one wonder how that works,
And how the pain makes muscle-jerks
And all the symptoms here to see
But never answers for you or me,
But never answers for you or me.

And Never On My Own

The things that God has brought me through often surprise me. They are often things that I would never have imagined I could handle (and in a sense, it is often the case that "I" did not handle them by myself). It also comes as a surprise to me what circumstances actually bring me to my knees. The body has one head. The body will be one- let us remember him who has promised things through it.

It occurs to me that life must be a whole or nothing at all. The reason is simple, I cannot live in pieces. I cannot live in parts. I am one person and I cannot live as two or three or four. Integrating the parts must be my goal.

Panamerica and Beyond- Extrem Events Style

So I ran into Karl Bushby the other day and he was talking with two gentlemen from Germany. As it turns out, one of them was Matthias Jeschke, who was the driving force behind the 2006 trip from Prudhoe Bay to the tip of south America in three vehicles running on biofuels. It was a brilliant trip-- not only did they run on biofuels for more than fifteen-thousand miles, but they also broke the time record (they finished the drive in fifteen days). They have something else a little more spicy planned and I suggest you check it out. On a side note, the other fellow's name was Joachim- I've never met anyone named after that particular king of Israel before. Cheers Gents!

Quote of the Week V

The discipline of silence is the voluntary and tempory abstention from speaking so that certain spiritual goals might be sought

(From pg 184 of Donald Whitney's "Spiritual Disciplines For The Christian Life" NavPress; Colorado Springs: 1991)

On Boston

You know the thing I like about Boston? The thing I like is the size. You know it is right on the coast, but as near as an hour and a half from the mountains. There are about a million people- and a charming number of one way streets. There is a lovely new artistic bridge- and the old hideous expressway is no more. Plenty of pubs that serve decent clam chowder and a whole lot of music. I've always been partial to the BMFA and the Boston Museum of science often has exhibits I would tend to classify as "cool". There is plenty to visit, plenty to see, and if you like history-- well, for America, there is more than you can shake a fist at.

Quote of the Week IV

"Is there a problem here at all? According to Goldman, 'Plantinga owes us an answer to the question precisely what cognitive faculties are there, and which ones must be functioning properly for a given belief to be justified?' But why do I owe us an answer to that question? No doubt it would be nice to have one, and no doubt a really complete theory would include something like such an account. But this just means that without such an answer my account is incomplete-- which of course it is. For Goldman, on the other hand, the problem is not incompleteness, but something much more debilitating: we can see that no matter which level of generality we select, the analysis will give us the wrong results. No analogue of that problem, so far as I can see, afflicts my account."

(Plantinga, Alvin. "Warrant and Proper Function" page 29. Oxford University Press; New York: 1993)

Unexplained Notes On The Twenty-Seventh of March (ever expanding in mystic profundity)

Early Rise. Late Start. Close call. The Lord be praised. Coffee and Pancakes.

Listened to 1980 debate between Dr. R.C. Sproul and Dr. Greg Bahnsen on apologetics methodologies (Classical Synthesis and Presuppositionalism)

Ordered Chinese Food, will probably be here in about an hour- who's excited? (and how do you type a dash instead of a hyphen anyways?)

Chipped ice in front of apartment door- safety level is up 67%.

Eating an egg-roll right now- it is amazing.

Practiced guitar.

Found and copied a few choice definitions.

Took a Star-Trek break. Those Zindi are really gonna get it.

Quote of the Week III

"Really? That's too bad." He smiled. "May I suggest something? The next time you decide to call God, call me. Call God by calling me." To my religious ears, his suggestion sounded profane. Did this guy think he was God? He checked himself, as though reading my mind. "Not that I'm God or anything," he said. "Lucky for both of us, I'm not. But God does speak to me through other people, and I'm fairly confident he's able to speak to you through someone like me."

(from Nate Larkin's book "Samson and the Pirate Monks: Calling Men to Authentic Brotherhood" Thomas Nelson Inc. Nashville: 2006)

Quote of the Week II

"For now, to survive, I choose both acceptance and indignation. Then, even though your loss will never be okay, someday I will be." (Molly Fumia. "Safe Passage Words to Help the Grieving". Conari Press: 2003.)

Somethings cannot be undone by us. Sometimes we get in so far over our heads that we really are unable to fix it. I would like for the world to be a great place to live. I would like to fix all its problems. I cannot.

I am almost overwhelmed by the pain I see in the world sometimes. It is truly a nasty place. Reality is brutal at times. And we are so weak. Lord have mercy upon us. If you blink, we will perish.

A Note About Powerlessness

Someone I knew just committed suicide. If I were to carry the metaphor out further- would I say that that person lost the war? In the aftermath of tragedy like this all my words fail me. What could I possibly say? What could I possibly do? I cannot make it right. I cannot turn back time. I am powerless to help those left behind. And I feel a great pain and sadness that makes me think maybe I should take the problem of evil more seriously- perhaps not for the philosopher, mind you, but for the grieving parent, for my friends.

I have always expected life to turn out bad. I have always wondered why some expected otherwise. But what parent could hope for anything but good things for their child? There are so many things in life we might wish to understand. There are so many things that we do not. Today and for a time I will mourn. Today and for a time we will all mourn. That, at least, makes sense.

Christian Cadre

I have stumbled upon a great resource. I wish I had found this a long time ago. If you are interested in Apologetics, the audio section of this site has links to all of my favourite places plus a few I had not heard of before. Quite a lot of work. My hat is off to the chaps at Christian Cadre. There is a link to the homepage on the side to your right (under the heading, "other resources"). Go and check it out.

Quote of the Week I

"The Roman Catholic apologists have worked out elaborate arguments to prove that theology and philosophy cover clearly differentiated domains of reality and follow clearly differentiated methods of investigation. Philosophy is said to deal with the domain of the natural reason, and Christianity is said to deal with the domain of faith. Theology, says Jacques Maritain, presupposes certain 'fundamental truths of the natural order as an introduction to the faith.' On the other hand, 'The premises of philosophy are self-supported and are not derived from those of theology'" (Van Til, Cornelius. "Christian Apologetics". P&R Publishing. Phillipsburg: 2003.)

Introduction To The Quote Of The Week.

I am going to start posting a "quote of the week" every week. I will not comment on it myself in a post for several days (if at all). I will, however, respond to comments on the quote. I (as always) encourage comments (dissenting, and the occasional "amen", as one sees fit). We shall see how she goes.

Responsibility and Control

Have you ever dreamed of something that seemed impossible? Have you ever woke up one morning only to find that not only was it possible, but because you had thought it impossible, you had not prepared for it- and now it was highly unlikely? Have you ever thought to yourself, "I'm stuck, and it is my own fault."? I have something to say about all this. As many people know, what you believe affects how you act. As fewer people know, you are not exactly in complete control of what you believe (try to stop believing that your mother,at one time, was alive and existed- go ahead and tell me what kind of genuine control you have over that). This means that in an important sense, you are not in complete control over how you act. You are, however, pretty well responsible for how you act. There is a tension that should haunt you a bit. Or perhaps it should haunt you a lot. I ask myself sometimes, "how did I get here?" It is not always so readily apparent.

The Dirtiness of Self

I have always disliked Wal-Mart. Every time I go into one of their stores I feel out of place. I feel extremely uncomfortable. I have nothing against big business in principle mind you- so it is not that. I have often wondered just what it is that bothers me so much about Wally World. I have never been able to figure it out. Sure, the people are fatter, poorer, and dirtier than in other stores (and at least half of the customers always seem to be wearing sweat-pants), but I do not feel out of place in an inner-city setting, or a third-world setting (both of which often have poorer and dirtier people... although not usually fatter). And let us not forget that I am not rich and I have read and accepted the book of James (among others). So the people do not seem to be sufficient reason for me to be disturbed every time I walk into a Wal-Mart. There is the huge amount of cheap crap for sale- but other places (like the Christmas Tree shop, or Building 19) which also sell loads of crap do not weird me out in the slightest. There is the "heard-of-sheep-grazing" set-up in the store that appeals to a particular type of consumerism that offers almost no concern for the product offered and very little customer service. It's all just "help yourself", if you will. That still does not seem like enough to really get under my skin, though.

So What could it be? Well, I am still not really sure. However, I think that the whole poverty of the place might remind me of everything I see as cheap and dirty in myself. Perhaps I need to come to terms (in some manner of speaking) with all of the work yet to be done by God in my own life. Perhaps I still hate myself a little too much and don't really like to be reminded of it. I suppose time will tell. Thank God for His faithfulness.

Brief Moments Out

I had some amazing cream-puff things tonight. They were really fabulous. And I don't even care how that sounds. Sometimes you just have to take a break and eat.

And Then

And then I said, "I love you."
And all the world apart
And Oh the silence when it fell,
It took with it my heart.

And then it was that I did doubt
That you were ever real
And all the things you never did
Took on a different feel.

And then you said, "I'm leaving."
And all the doubt was gone
And apparently it mattered most
That you would feel a certain way.

War With Self

Some people have asked me why I consider it necessary to view my own life as a war with myself. The anonymous have claimed it was disturbing. Some have thought it over the top. Many have not had the faintest idea what I mean by, "War With Self". Now I normally don't like to answer questions- and so usually I just shrug and remain silent. This night, however, I choose to speak. It is not that many would listen- and the ones who ask and complain and object are the least likely to listen to what I have to say here. The truth of the matter is that I spent most of my life with a self-loathing that some would find hard to believe. People didn't understand. People didn't even usually see it. I would think to myself, "they just don't understand because they have led better lives than I have. They have not screwed up the way I have. Some of them probably don't even really know what regret is." Now I may know better now (a bit, anyways), but that was then and then is never now.

With the dismal view of myself that I had, it was easy for me to accept that I could never reach God on my own. The Christian view of humanity fit perfectly with my own experience. When I read, "In Adam's fall, we sinned all," I felt a chord struck inside deep down. I knew what that meant. When I first heard the term, "total depravity" I thought, "what an apt description of my own miserable self."

This miserable self had zero recourse available in its noetic structure to fall back upon from within. And that which you hate is usually your enemy- and enemies must be slain in war. If they are not, you, yourself will be slain. And what did I hate more than anything else? What did I hate more than my dead father, more than the pain, more than the hostile cruel joke of a world? What did I hate more than the evil without? I hated the evil within. I transferred the evil within to be all of me- and so I hated myself. And something had to give. Something had to go. Only blood would bring peace.

But while I took total depravity to be something other than it was- namely that I was as bad as I could be, or that I was all bad, I was partly right, and it is very hard to shake a lie that is mostly true. I believed myself to be worthless, depraved and destitute of value. I was a fatalist long before I ever heard the name of John Calvin- and no amount of arminian-handwaving-bullshit would ever shake the error out of me. The vacuousness of the whole system (if you can even call it that) was ineffective in instilling anything but terror in my young mind (and you should know that it was only a thorough study of the doctrine of predestination that began to shake the fatalistic hopeless lies). The extent of the fall was not clear to me, but I had this hope (inconsistent though it was): though I could not reach God at all in this life, yet when I died or He returned He would make things right and fix what was broken. I awaited the second coming as one awaits air support when pinned down in battle. I had no hope for this life- I expected only suffering and misery. And this was deserved- as if all of life was a long purgatory. I was guilty of believing everything that Nietzsche claimed Christians believed. And I am sure I was not alone.

In this structure of belief, the idea of war is of course apt. All is bad; all must be destroyed. In the end it will be set right- until then you will fight to the death. Of course I was at war with myself. The full extent of the gospel was not yet clear to me (not to imply that I have arrived now, but...).

I was not, however, all bad. This life is not a lost cause. It did not turn out to be true that hope was only for the "after-life". And yet I still hang on to this imagery of warring with myself.

The truth is that it is a serious thing to deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow Jesus. I cannot demand metaphors of others. I do, however, choose my own. I may have good things, I may not have lost out for this life, but that does not mean that I am in no need of crucifixtion. I still sin. I still see darkly. I still rage against the right. I am still at war. I am at war with myself.

Late and Great I Feel A Void

I do not know about you, but I am still not sure it has really hit me yet. Sir Edmund Hillary is dead. I know it happened more than a month ago- but somehow I still feel like I am in shock. It is very similar to the way I felt after Alex Lowe died. Edmund Hillary was the first man to step on top of the highest mountain on the planet. I wish I had words to describe... I do not have them. I am sad to see him gone.

Cornelius Van Til

I have been tearing apart another book for my upcoming senior thesis: namely, "Christian Apologetics" by Cornelius Van Til. I think what impresses me most is how close he gets to the line of rude without actually going over it. He is truly unapologetic for his methodology of apologetics and its source in Reformed Theology. I think that he has displayed a different kind of honesty in practice (but not in principle) than Antony Flew. His honesty leads him to the very heart of the matter on every real point of contention between men: that is, their presuppositions. Van Til refers to this at one point as the colored glasses that a man sees the world through. If you change the glasses, you will change the way in which he sees everything he encounters.

I like his exposition on presuppositions. I have always sought after knowledge. I have always wanted to know things. At some point, however, you cannot keep going back in the chain of knowing. At some point the buck has to stop. Presuppositions are those things we hold first. Dr. Van Til does an admirable job explaining this. I cannot say a thing bad about this book yet. I will let you know if anything comes to mind though.

Another One Down

I finished Antony Flew's new book ("There Is A God...") last week. It was a very interesting case to examine. Dr. Flew had been perhaps the worlds most distinguished Atheist philosopher up until 2004 when he publicly mentioned that he now believed in a divine intelligence (of sorts, a god, if you will). This book which he just published last year (which has a longer subtitle in case you were wondering about the "...") describes how he came to believe that there is a god. I was most intrigued by his critical comments on other atheists. They were not all what one is used to (as critiques usually come from ardent theists, not reluctantly converted atheists). He says of his own journey to a belief in a god, that he merely followed the evidence wherever it went. I was delighted by his honesty and level-headedness. And seriously, some of the critical comments he has received from former fellow atheists has been shamefull- Dawkins has made some particularly unprofessional comments about Flew's age. The book was a very interesting read.

My First District Convention

I went to my first district convention this past weekend. It was wonderful. There was discussion and debate. There was voting and eating. It lasted more than six hours (or was it eight... I lost track of time). Wonderful chili. And I felt like I was into something. Really it was a great experience. I learned a lot and I even got to speak to my neighbors. I highly recommend it to anyone, really. Just try it out once, you may get hooked.

The Irrational Atheist

I finished Vox Day's book "The Irrational Atheist" about a week ago and I feel obligated to tell everyone that never before has anyone used footnotes like that. Truly something else. Bravo I say.

On Choosing Your Words

Cornelius Van Til once said, "There can be no intelligable reasoning unless those who reason together understand what they mean by their words." ("Christian Apologetics" P&R Publishing. Phillipsburg, 2003 p98) I cannot think of a better way to say that. Some people become exasperated when you choose your words carefully- and they sometimes become even more frustrated when you take their own words seriously. The thing is, if you want to actually have some sort of exchange with another person- you have to know what they are saying- and they need to know what you are saying. It just does not do to be fast and loose with any language. At some point, you will really have to be patient if you actually desire to communicate with someone. As an aside, I might remind you that after you take the time to be careful with particular words in a particular exchange, you are free to return to using particular words however you wish, but anyways...

In western analytic philosophy discussions are often begun by defining terms. This is important for philosophers because without it confusion may arise that prevents meaningful discourse. No one wants to be accused of equivocation- least of all a good western analytic philosopher. Equivocation, however, is hard to avoid if you are not careful with your words. English is especially vulnerable to this type of confusion as many of our words have multiple meanings. What bothers me is the attitude I encounter about discussions of all kinds. Being careful with your words is not something that is only important for philosophers. Let them teach you something for goodness sakes. Take a lesson from all their hard work- even if that is all you take (not that I am advocating that of course).

It seems that people want to be heard, but don't want to think before they speak. It seems that people want you to understand them, but they do not want to take the time to understand you. People write book reviews without having finished a book. People spend their time in conversation thinking about what they are going to say next rather than listening to what you are saying now. People are honestly offended when you point out something inconsistent that they have said- all too often they do not even stop to consider your motivation for pointing it out- and act as if they are more concerned with being seen as right than actually being right. You may even find your friends getting upset if you try and coax a little care in language out of them- somehow they can forget that you love them, care about them, and can generally be trusted.

I have known for a long time that love is more important than knowledge. The thing is (and this particularly for Americans), that is a proposition that is either true or false. If you come down one way or another on that proposition, you will act one way or another in life. To say then, that you think love is more important- this does not at all mean that knowledge and reasoning are unimportant. The very idea that helping your brother is more important than understanding something is a piece of understanding!

So please, everyone, remember who you are talking to and ask yourself if you really want to communicate with them. If you do, you will likely have to choose your words. It won't hurt too bad once you get used to it.

Still haven't forgotten

To my commenter from Sydney: I will respond very soon.

Charters of Some Importance

I have just posted a new link under "other resources" on the right side of this page. The new link will take you to the National Archives web page where you can view the Constitution, The Amendments to the Constitution (including the Bill of Rights, of course), the Declaration of Independence, and such. It is a good page with both text and pictures of the original documents. No one should be without it- how else will you know when your elected officials are breaking an oath they swore? I labeled the link "The Constitution of the United States of America"- does anyone think I should just label it "National Archives"? Let me know.

Tomorrow's Presidential Preference Pole.

Tomorrow is the day here in town. It's ok to vote, really it is. I promise I won't tell. You can go ahead and vote, really you can.

For Those Who Work Half The Year to Pay Direct and Indirect Taxes, Let Us Think

"The government that governs least is the government that governs best."
-Ron Paul, speaking on the founding fathers

Why is it that so many people think that the government should hold their hands? Why is it that people who say they want lower taxes and do not approve of the national debt act offended when their own personal projects have their government funding threatened? If you want lower taxes, if you want more money in your pocked, if you want the government to be less involved in your life, if you want the congress to have a balanced budget- something just has to give. We have to spend less money; And Let me just say that the government is not going to stop building and maintaining roads and it would be a very bad idea to stop paying the military. The government is not our mamma. And if you want to be left alone, if you want lower taxes, if you want a balanced budget- programs have to go- and some of those programs are very good and helpful. You can't do everything and you cannot have everything. Voice your opinion. Do some thinking. Talk to some people. As Ron Paul has also said more than once, cutting taxes does not cost the government anything- the government itself costs you and I something. Let's not get that backwards.

Super Tuesday And Question To Boot

Super Tuesday is coming up and there are plenty of primaries, caucuses, and presidential preference poles all over the country. I enjoy the political process and so I am excited about participating. I have spoken to a number of individuals, though, who have decided to not vote at all- in the primaries and the actual election. I am wondering if anyone would be willing to comment on why they, or someone they know has given up entirely on the American political process. Oh, and give it up for the peanut gallery.

Party Delegates

It is getting close to the big super tuesday event. Here in town, of course, we not only have Dean's recital and the superbowl (which will be competing for the same time slot), but we also have the presidential preference pole. I am planning on voting for Ron Paul. Afterwords the district has its convention (in my district, some are on another date) where they will choose delegates to travel down to the state convention (for the Republican party) in Anchorage and vote as you are directed (to reflect the popular vote in your local district). If there is a tie, then delegates at some point vote according to conscience in order to resolve the stalemate. The state convention sends delegates to the national convention (of course) to complete the picture. If you are a Republican- or a Ron Paul supporter- go out on the 5th of February and vote for someone.

Letting Go...?

Have you ever had difficulty dealing with some emotional things? Why is it that we want to describe it as letting go? Sometimes you are just grasping for a description of what you are feeling- or what you think someone else is feeling- and all you can say is- "I just can't let it go," or, "he just can't let it go." It is a strange thing. Why is it that that seems to be the only way we can think to sometimes describe how we are wrestling with something? Comments from the peanut gallery welcome.

Pirate Bar Hooker #1 and the Body of Christ

Have you ever felt like maybe your life was not quite what you had expected? Have you ever wondered just where it was that you supposedly fit in? I was watching Rambo IV the other day and when the credits rolled I noticed something... "Pirate Bar Hooker #1". Now May Kung did an excellent job in the role. The film would not have been the same without her... but do you ever wonder just what exactly you are getting on the "credits" so to speak? I think we all have felt like a Pirate Bar Hooker #1 at some time or another. We are all different parts of the body, which part am I?

Because once I loved you
And once I was enthralled
And because you showed me
What it means to love.
Because you were beautiful
and weren't like me
and were kind
to me.
Because we fit and flew on wings
and other things which make me gasp,
I am changed.

-Meriwether
2002

MTV and the Presidential Election

Today in Fairbanks by the Mayflower restaurant at 4pm there will be a bunch of people doing a signwave that MTV is supposed to cover. Come out and support your candidate of choice. I will hopefully be there waving a Ron Paul sign- but we'll see if I can get off of work. Come out and support whichever candidate you desire. Let's have a good showing for the Folks at MTV.

Presidential Preference Pole

On February 5th there will be a republican presidential preference pole in Fairbanks. If you are a registered republican you should go and cast your vote for the candidate of your choice. If you are not a registered republican but you are a Ron Paul supporter, you should go as well- you can change your registration at the door.

To My Readers

Sorry about the absence- it will continue for a little longer. I am ice-climbing and skiing. It is pretty awsome. I should be back in about a week. Hope everyone is having a great new year.

To my melbourne reader

I have been thinking about your comment. A response is forthcoming. Oh, and don't forget to at least make up a name next time.

On Catharsis in brief

I am not going to finish posting all thirty-one poems from my project (and some of you may be relieved- I understand that the quality of some of them is not quite that good). I was finding it very helpful to post them (even the horribly bad ones), but I have recently been led to believe that it may have helped cause some confusion. People who do not write poetry (and now we are making no reference to whether or not your poetry is good or bad) are often surprised by what and when poets write- and they often fail to understand the major cathartic effect that writing (and even showing to others) has. As much as I hate to give up a means to making myself feel better (and I am so selfish sometimes), I will have to put that aside for awhile in the interest of others. I am not interested (in this particular case) in confusing or hurting anyone by writing. Why they would be reading my blog is a whole other question that there is no real need to go into.

I hope this precautionary measure is overkill and needless. I would like to think that nothing I wrote here would really be all that... well, let's just say I am happy stopping the postings knowing that I might not really need to stop the postings (just in case, as it were). So bid Memories of Holden Ln goodbye. I will probably not delete the ones already posted unless there is a direct request, but we'll see how my spirit goes. If anyone actually likes these and wants to read more- let me know and I will e-mail you some more of them. There is a whole world of pain from loss out there. Sometimes it helps to read what others expressed when they went through a loss themselves. Cheers.

(#10)

Sometimes I can't feel things
and I get funny looks from you
And you look hurt and confused
That I'm not just like you
And just because I can't express
And just because it hurts too bad
And just because it's far too soon
You do not understand.

I feel like it was my hurt
That drove you far away
And I can say it bothers me
That that seems fair to me.

But all the damage in the world
Is never quite enough to say
I was never able dear
To do what you thought you needed.

"Walk In The Park" (#9)

I remember blue skies
and bike rides through the hills
and freckles on your skin
and the smell of your shampoo
I remember how you laughed
And how you looked at night
And all the stupid things you said
That I miss so much
I remember just how tall
And how you fit beside
And the way you skipped across the room
Wearing out your favourite jeans
Which were so hard to find
And then there was the time you smiled
And the time you made me think
And the things I put aside
To try and take you seriously
I am just a little sad
And just a little crazy too
And everything that passed away
Well,
Some of it will be missed.

Climbing Ice In Alaska III - Dragonfly Falls

Climbing Ice In Alaska II - Day Trip To Healy

Ryan and I geared up at the top of the falls before we rapped down and proceeded to smoke ourselves doing laps.

Climbing Ice In Alaska I - The French Start

Starting the trip off right.. French start with bagel sandwiches.

And For This I have Come (#8)

And then there was hope
On a cold and bitter early morning
And all around were the enemies
But deep inside was the faith.

And every blessing that I trod underfoot
Screams to me now
And I cannot stuff my ears
And all that I did not make and do
All this failure is here now
Here in my face
And what did I know?
I sit in a silent pain
A pain that screams at me
A pain that digs deep in the dark places
But what is that now?

Who even reads this?
You don't, that's for sure
And so thirty-one seems so many
For I just want to be silent
Just want to forget
Just want to pretend it never happened at all.
The rain doesn't fall now
It is far too cold for that.

Warm the dark fires burn
And all the tears are building
I feel too much
And admit too little
Here the lessons come
Not in the comfortable place
Not in the quiet place-
Not in the peaceful place
Not in the happy place.
They come here.

#7

It is hard to recapture things
That move like mist and hide like dark
I glimpse you every now and then,
But never really see for sure.

I feel a stale and somber pall
The tension building slowly now
And in its great crecendo here
I'll be wiped away somehow.

I wish that I could cry tonight
Or scream in not so silent rage
But something holds me back from that
And keeps me stalled this night.

I feel stuck- I hope that you
Are doing something else
And feeling qute a different thing
And nowhere near this dead..

It never seems to let me go
As if it was an entity
And though I try to shake it off
It's you that I will never see.

You Did Not Remain (#6)

I saw you in the nights and in my fervent dreams
And tasted sweetly on the branch
And felt the wind of change embrace
But you did not remain.

And in the nature of the time
With clarity abandoned now
In keeping with this wretched theme
You did not remain.

Now it is nothing that you left
But everything to me
And though I dreamed of you so long
You still did not remain.

I look above and thank the one
Who made us both to be
And though it went not quite so well
Still, you did not remain with me.

With such and such a time gone on
And hearts no longer beating true
The beast set free perhaps too late
For you did not remain.

Be still and know that you were wrong
I tell myself tonight
And in the dark I hear a song
But you did not remain.

Fire and Skin (#5)

And all that tarnished silver there
I feel so close inside with you
But all the cheap and vulgar sin
Is just the thing to make it so.
And who the lie believes it true
With what your mother told you then
And when your father spoke it quiet
You were forever marked as such.

Make it round and make it fast
And come on over here to me
I couldn't ever make it last
but all that crazy fun,..

I am out here thinking back
The satin skin and golden locks
The gentle eyes always unsure
And all upon that round thing
I can barely keep it to myself
And memories come flooding back
But you are not the one to hear
And you take long to understand.

I think I had a crush on you
But then it bit me back
And when I tried to open up
That's when you attacked
And in you went the silence worked
And awkward's not the word
And oh the places that I went
And you set me all about.

Don't pretend you wanted less
Don't pretend at all
You wanted more and I was short
Or so it seemed to you.

I'll never be just quite the same
But that is prob'ly for the best
I wonder if it's really true...
Naah, it's probably for the best.

Expectations (#4)

I just feel so finite sometimes
So beyond my little self that
All I do and strive and try
Is just a dry fiction-
But I don't think it's that funny.
And all the things that I never wanted from you
You will never give to me
And all the things I think I need
I really never had at all
Which makes one wonder on the term-

need.

What just what do you think?
What did I really want from you?
And what was so repulsive,
That you just had to leave?

Maybe in the still cool light
Of those dawns when we still cared
And all our dreams were tangled there
Entwined together for awhile-
Maybe then i didn't ask
For enough to make you stay
And you thought my contentment
Was just a lack of real desire.

And now when people think to say,
"you should move yourself along,"
I know that that is crazy talk
For I cannot move myself along
And no one does and no one has
And all the lies we tell ourselves
Make us think we tell the truth
When we lie to each other.

I did not expect enough-
Perhaps that was the problem there
But deep inside I know the truth
That you just didn't love me.

So every explanation made
To ease my burdened heavy spirit
Is all a maddened sophist game
And I the only player here
Tell me now just what you think,
Tell me anything.

Let Your Journey's Hope Endure (#3)

I feel numb this particular day
I do not like to feel like this
And though I know that it is "safe"
Nothing ever really is.

You were on my mind today
And I'm not trying to forget
Just trying to move through it all
And remember both the good and bad.

I wonder when the feelings will
Start to fade from my heart
And I will not remember you
Much the same way at all.

I don't think I'll get there soon
But if you never pray for me
And hate me in your heart of hearts
Then I will be quite right.

But you don't want the smug pained look
And I don't want to feel this way
And no one wants a war right now
And everyone has made mistakes.

I don't know if I'm alright
I hate it when they ask me that
But I know that you were good
And I still have a hole.

One day maybe we will hug
And never look askance again
But I think that He'll have returned
And set up shop for good.

I could be wrong though if it's right
And so much changes as we walk
And in the journey peril-fraught
Enjoying things might lead to talk.

But all it takes is one lone soul
And nothing gaurding what we keep
And what we hope is rarely sure
And so with boldness must we leap.

I hope this writing finds you well
Or in the faith that keeps you sure
And whether things are good or bad
Let your journey's hope endure.

If Only We Could See It (#2)

You rocked me like a blood hound baying through my veins
Still tight as the high pressure shoots through like fire
My still beating heart thumps like a dull drum racing towards the desert night
And I hoped.
You made me accept good things and compliments like sweet rain on dry crops
With the dusty earth yearning for the wet drops to calm the peoples
You were my rainmaker.
You calmed me down
You quenched my dry hoarse burning throat and beat me till I said, "you're welcome"
You would not let me duck and turn and creep my way out of either good or aide.

When I needed help you told me I had to let you help me.
When you said that I was a righteous man and a wonderfull person,
You made me accept it- you would not drop it
You were persistant like a buzzing bumble bee flying close to my ear
As I swatted at you over and over- you just dodged and returned.
When I could not believe in myself
You sang sweet songs to my cautious soul
When I would not believe it,
You said it again.
When I could not accept it,
You stared me in the eyes
And overwhelmed me with your love.

But when you did not believe
I could not persuade you
When you did not accept
I could not help you as you helped me
You did not trust me
You did not honour me
You did not accept me
My love was not enough
And though you knew the struggle
You ran
You fled into the night
As I had wanted to do so many times when you pressed me.
I was not enough
You did not believe your God would want good for you-
The God who became a man,
The God who was mocked a man,
The God who was beaten a man,
The God who was murdered a man.
This God who payed so dear for the will of His Father-
This God who payed so dear for the love of the Church
This God you did not believe (though he knows the number of the hairs on your head) to have kind intentions towards you.
Not with me
Not because of me.
I was not enough (nor should I be- but you know that is not what I mean)
I could not be true.
And so you left.
What you could not abide in me
was of course most abundant in yourself
And is this not so often the case with us?
We hate in others the things we hate in ourselves the most.

And I am left my mouth agape
With the sudden wind blowing through my hair
(for you left so suddenly)
And my dull eyes, wet with tears,
Are lost to a haze of nothingness
An idle fog hangs about me like a shroud
Obscuring my last vision of you
Until I am left with nothing
But your inconcievable decision
And no explanation at all.

It is not better to struggle alone
It is not good to turn away those who would help you
It is not wise to make decisions with no reason
And if you cannot explain it to yourself
You do not have a reason
If you cannot explain it to others
You may be forgiven
But we often have what we need and even want
Hidden right in front of us
If only we could see it.

Thirty-one Poems In Ten Days, or Memories of Holden Ln

#1

Have you ever wondered how you can go on feeling
When the feelings no longer seemed to be connected to reality?
I am trying to just let the feelings be
Just be as they are.

I don't really know how to cut and run
I can't seem to find the switch-
But even if I could, do you really think I could turn it off?

You know, I have been told my whole life
That expressing yourself is healthy-
But I kind of just thought that was for someone else-
The expressing that is
So now when I try, it feels weird, but seems normal
And I cannot write beautiful.

I do not have beauty inside me.

I do not feel beauty inside me.

I feel loss.

The heart I have is turned towards you
And all those miles apart are like
A knife embedded deep within
and all the life is flowing out
-But who am I to stop the flow?
And say this feeling must not be
For you are gone so far away-
But I am still right here.

Go Time

The posts may be spotty for the next two weeks, of course, they might not- but it is time for finals, so just in case, I thought I would warn you. Christmas is coming up- and so are a few republican primaries (in the next few months). Consider Ron Paul.

And So I Saw

That place that was so far away
And in here where I hold it close
And cannot reach the last long inch
I left my home to find my way
But you did not understand
And all that happened was so close
But might as well have been so far
And never reaching what I hoped'
Always just a breath away,
I always almost made it there.

Fear, Planning, and Uncertainty- The Big Picture We Do Not See

I was reminded of something by a comment on a picture of me rappelling down "into" a glacier, so to speak. It is only a few posts back if you want to reference it. Rappelling down over a cliff that you did not climb up- you don't always know what is down there, you don't always know if the rope is long enough, you don't always know if you are going to make it to the bottom- or even what the bottom is. Here is another picture of one of the group of us going over the same cliff. I think it will give a little perspective. He hasn't actually gotten to the overhanging part yet (which is where the photo of me a few posts ago was taken).



You can see the big picture when you look at these two photos- and I'm typing so you can assume that everything went alright. But here is what we did the night before. Mind you, this is the same exact rappel, however we had not done it before and... it was dark.



This is me getting ready to go down over the edge of the cliff. I cannot see anything. I am looking down to check the little bit of safety I have before I go over. And then I descend- but even though I am descending down the cliff (which you have now seen)- I am really only descending into the inky blackness of the night.

There are times in life, when what we must do is much the same. After the fact, or in a different light- what we have done may seem amazing and fantastic and beautiful. At the time we often do it, however, it is just uncertain and fearful. When you go down off the edge and into the night- what do you take with you?

Recommendation

The Prayer Book Society of the U.S.A. has a news blog. I reccommend that you check it out. I put it on the blogroll on the right. It is very interesting to see how other not-quite-so-individualistic Christians handle serious disagreements. Check it out. Let me know what you think.

A Coming I

I heard a voice call to the dead
A thousand lambs lay slain afield
And in the thunder loud he said,
"Rise up my children for death shall yield."

In the valley where we lay
On the bones of dead long gone
He bid them rise and come to Him
From dust and ashes in the dawn.

I was dying on that plain
My blood was leaking to the earth
And all around me the dead began
To rise alive, a second birth.

I watched my brothers open eyes
That our enemies had closed
And on the plain where battles waged
Our fathers dead before us rose.

I looked to heaven from the earth
And saw a thing I'd never seen
As on the clouds a man came down
And all my wounds had never been.

Morning

Some mornings you wake up and see a firy dream. Dreams comes true sometimes. Dreams come true.

Funny Ha Ha?

I don't imagine that much happens when I'm dying. I think only of the pain. I forget that things are still going on around me both near and far away. It is funny how things blind you. Sometimes I really think everyone else is better off. Sometimes I almost want to ask the question, "why did you make me this way?" Ha, Ha. "Why so downcast oh my soul? Put your faith in God."

Drink deep from the well of the everlasting and savour all you see. Do not enjoy the pain and suffering. Weep well, my friends. Do not despise the small joys- they are gifts dear people. Do not deny the truth. Let it all flow as one giant mess. Who are you kidding anyways? Who do I think I am fooling? "Why so downcast oh my soul? Put your faith in God."

On Voting

There are elections being held at the university I attend today and tomorrow. I predict widespread apathy. These are the same people who do not vote for local and state officials as well (and rarely think about presidential elections either). This leads me to wonder why something so important has become so unimportant in the minds of "my generation". I wonder, has anything changed? Was one vote ever something that made the difference? Everyone is out for themselves it seems- if they can't change the world with one action, then why do it at all? The irony is that it is in your best interest to vote- which means it does matter, despite the consequences of inaction being delayed. Those consequences will come. Go out and vote. It won't rock the world immediately- but neither will not spending your entire paycheck on booze. We do little things that add up to big things all the time- and they are good for us and those we care about. Go and vote, even for your student government. Bad arguments will not turn laziness into a virtue. Vote.

On Glaciers

I love the ice on glaciers. It is so immense, so big, so alive. It is all around you. It stretches out before you and reaches up high into the mountains. It moves slowly. It has colour and shape. It is otherworldly. Here I am rappelling down an ice-clif and it is really like going inside the glacier. I was swallowed up and made tiny once again. Glaciers are really amazing.

Draw Near My Lord And Let Me Feel

Draw near to me Lord
Or I will perish
Fill me Lord
For I feel so very empty
Light flickers and fades at night
At the edges of my blurry vision
I have almost seen you yet again
Do not delay for I am dying
Here in the north
Here in the cold
Here by myself
Here alone.

The light falls and shadows rise
And give way to the dark night
That clothes me like a blanket.

"Hear the voice! It cries aloud in the streets."
I am listening
"Call to Him while He is still near!"
I have no voice
"Be still and know,"
My heart is not something I command and it races like a scared child.

Falling snow on coloured leaves
Clean upon decaying earth
And we mock the one who greaves
And cry for those who still give birth.

But I do not need to hear
The platitudes of everyday
But that which is most dear to me
Costs too much for me to see.

I am not like other men
And we are all the same
Draw near my Lord for I would faint
And never rise again.

On Love, Truth, and Intentions

Have you ever wondered what role your intentions have in your speech? I mean how much do they really matter? Have you ever been dismayed at the thought that the person you were talking to really did not care about your intentions- but only about the words that you said?

I think that intentions do matter- but not as much as most people I talk to. At present I have what might be described as a weak view of intentions in general. It goes up or down depending on the medium. Speech, for instance, would be more intimately connected to intentions, while writing might be much less so in my view. Intentions matter, but they do not remove me from responsibility.

I would like to sometimes pull a get out of jail card when talking to a woman. She may be offended at something I happened to say- and I might like to say-"hey! I did not mean it that way. Therefore you have no right to take it that way. Therefore I am not responsible for your feelings (whatever those may be). Therefore I get out of jail for free." This would be nice and although I may have never put it quite like that- I am sure that I have implied that very chain of reasoning on numerous occasions. Would that be right though? Unfortunately, I am not so sure. This does not mean that I have the level of doubt about it that you might like me to have- but I do have my doubts none the less.

Sticking with conversation for the moment I think that I have to stop and ask myself the question afresh- what place does my intention have in my speech? If I intend to convey love, hope, and truth- but actually communicate criticism, pessimism, and truth- what should I think? What should I think when others take what I say in a way that is different from what I meant? Am I responsible for how others take what I say? Or am I only responsible for the content of my speech? I think the answer to the question of practice (if not the answer to the question of theory), is found in the relationship between love and truth.

I once said to a friend that there was no love without truth and that truth without love is worthless. Whether or not this statement will hold up under intense philosophical scrutiny it really does get at the heart of the matter. "Love is patient; love is kind; it does not envy; it does not boast..." (from I Corinthians 13) and "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am nothing..." (ibid.) Love is great and that is a truth. Understand that and I will likely be able to understand the answer to my own question.

The Gospel, Evangelism, and B. B. Warfield

"...upon a field of dead that the Son of righteousness has risen, and the shouts that announce His advent fall on deaf ears: yeah, even though the morning stars should again sing for joy and the air be palpitant with the echo of the great proclamation, their voice could not penetrate the ears of the dead. As we sweep our eyes over the world lying in its wickedness it is the valley of the prophet's vision which we see before us: a valley that is filled with bones, and lo! they are very dry. What benefit is there in proclaiming to dry bones even the greatest of redemptions? How shall we stand and cry, 'O, ye dry bones, hear ye the word of the Lord!' In vain the redemption, in vain its proclamation, unless there come a breath from heaven to breathe upon these slain that they may live." (Warfield, B.B. "Studies In Theology" New York: Oxford University 1932. pg 42)

I cannot help but be moved by both the truth and the method of delivery here. Think on these things.

I see and hear a thing above
And in my prayers I feel a peace
And now I know that you are here
and I am not alone.

The Things We Say

"If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but decieves his own heart, this one's religion is useless." -James 1:26

Sometimes, when I am thinking about things I wish I had never said to someone, I remember things I wish I had said, but didn't. I think you know the kind of things I mean- things like, "I'm sorry," "I love you too," or "why don't you let me cool down a bit, and then we can talk about this." The things we say to others are sometimes so careless. The things we don't say sometimes, make us out to be selfish cowards.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving. Packing, eating, stories, sledding, movie, eating, packing. What a day. Tomorrow (or technically today) I am going back to the deltas for the first time in a while. For this, I am truly thankful. For so many things I do not see the blessing- or at least not until it is too late- but for a return to the mountains, ahh... for this I must say it truly is a happy thanksgiving.

Losing

Sometimes when you remember those who have died it makes you sad. Sometimes it makes you happy. Sometimes it does all that and more. When things change, you have to deal with a loss. It doesn't matter whether or not that loss is a good thing or a bad thing. It does not matter that many people do not look at it this way. Whenever something changes, you lose something. It is really simple. Sometimes you lose something you wanted to keep. Sometimes you lose something you never wanted- often it is a little bit of both. Either way, though, every change involves a loss- whether that change is death, or a break-up, or a break-down, or a new job, etc... change involves loss.
The world lost Jessica. We don't get to have her back. I hate that sometimes, I really do.

On Love, Truth, And G-d

In my ongoing quest to understand how Jesus is the truth and why being right is not more important than love and why those do not contradict each other- I have undergone a lot of changes. Lucky for me the Lord honours those who seek Him diligently because I have not known quite how I should go about the whole thing. I have tried things that ended up not working and seriously damaging relationships I had and I have changed the frame of the whole discussion on more than one occasion. I am impressed by how much some people can give of themselves out of love. I am also impressed with the horrendous effects that abandoning truth has had on my brothers and sisters here in the United States.

Seasons come and go and we learn things that we did not expect to ever learn- even things we wanted to. What is the connection between G-d, Truth, and Love? Why is it true that one is more important than another, but that statement is either true or false and if you believe falsely you won't see that the one is greater than the other?

And all the while as I fight with myself and tear myself to pieces losing and winning battles that take me to places I never thought I would go- I somehow find my love for G-d rekindled in a way that is amazing.

I love my Church. I love my people. Oh yeah, it's not really my Church.

A Moment

Outside a clouded pale settles upon the earth. A white cloud, and everywhere it settles. The mountains on the horizon disappear like ghosts fading into another plain of existence and the trees all around become imbued with magic and beauty. White crystal flakes float and swirl down upon us and everywhere there is a stillness. The smoke from the stacks does not fight the cloud, does not try to fight beyond the pale, but rather it becomes a part of it, blending and adding and submitting to it. The silence comes from the stillness and as we look outside our warm walls we do not dare fight the stillness. We accept it, and so we sit.

The Heart of Gifts

And so it is I pick it up
And feel the very heart you gave
In the thing so lifeless now
I experience again your good intention.

And even in the golden ball
Which I never really liked
I see the heart that listened well
And tried to give accordingly.

And in the foreign words I feel
What cannot be described with sight
The very thing behind the thing
That burns so very bright.

I see your effort mainly here:
In the giving of good gifts
But that was not enough for me
And I felt alone outside your gate.

Was it from some book you read?
Or from some proverb you had heard?
That put your energies in gifts?
And kept you always scared of me?

I have seen a glimpse of you
And seen inside your heart
But just a glimpse was all I had
And now the objects left behind.

So many of them speak your love
And speak of your concern
But they are only things to me
And not the love I'd hoped to find.

The Light of Beauty

And when the light had faded down
And I saw you standing there
In all your calm and quietness
I became so still.

The light, it played upon your curls
I felt and saw the golden shine
But you were unapproachable
And so I gazed aloof.

I tried to approach you there
But felt so in a daze
I did not see a way in
So much light, too much light.

And then you were sitting there
Alone by the telescope
And there by the steps I reached
And you did not immediately protest.

And as I threw myself against your walls
Over and over in a dark night
I became bloodied and bruised
And then it was my weariness that you decried.

And you began not only to remain inside
You also began to loose the arrows from above
And I did not then fight in the shade
Bravado was gone and I just died in the dark.

The volleys reigned down upon me
And truly I could not see the sun
Was your leaving a mercy?
Or just the final blow?

But never did the image leave
And always in my heart it stayed
With the sun upon your locks
And beauty all around my earth.

"You can go your own way..."

Have you ever wondered what you should do, but found direction absent? As an American I am expected to figure things out for myself- I am an "individual" after all. It is expected by my culture that I possess a certain amount of self-reliance. Of course, Alaska takes this to some frozen extremes- but anyway I look at it, those around me often act as though everyone should already know certain things (which many do not). They should be able to figure it out for themselves. People even want to figure things out entirely for themselves on their own with no help from other people or institutions. If you can break with tradition and solve a problem you have really arrived here in the States. The culture loves new things. It winks at bucking the mold even when it has to enforce not doing so. Striking out on your own and forging your own path is a good thing. It is a laudable thing. To say that of someone is to praise them.

When you want direction, though, many people who may be able to help may think that it is not their place to do so. Many people will act as though you should not ask for help. The problem is you need help. I need help. Everyone needs help. Everyone needs direction. There was a time when the Church answered all questions. That time is gone from our culture. The question is- should it be gone from our lives?

A Brief Prayer (well you just come in in the middle)

...And then, as it were all of a sudden, I realized that your grace was sufficient for me. I also forgot to look for the way out- but then I remembered that there was one- and that always. Thank you so much for not demanding my feelings be other than they are. Thank you for working for my good (and your glory), and not telling me to call every single event good. Thank you for making me in a way that I can (by your help) actually live consistently with your word. We think so many wrong things so often- and we are so confident of how right we are... but you have not abandoned me. You have not thrown me away. All praise be to Jesus Christ my Lord and God...

Blood and Syrup

Have you ever wanted to approach something or someone to resolve something (in your mind or theirs)- but when you did it got messy? It's like cooking hamburgers in the morning with syrup. At some point in the process you press down on the hamburger (covered in syrup) and it "bleeds". Then you are just staring at this awful mixture of blood and syrup. It truly is a little disturbing. Sometimes, I've found that dealing with problems is something that I might want to put off for fear of the mess I know that will ensue. What I fail to remember is how good a hamburger cooked in syrup is when it is done.

Loneliness and Value

Loneliness is a valueless fact. It sits upon your shoulders like a heavy burden; or, it recedes like a hollow ache into the back of your consciousness. It is neither right nor wrong. It is neither good nor bad. It just is. Sometimes you have it sometimes you don't. Some people barely know it. Others don't know what it is like to live without it. When you think of loneliness, think of the rain. You may not like it, or you may not like it now- but the rain is not bad. Loneliness is like the rain. It can ruin your day- or, it can drive you to seek the Lord of Heaven and Earth. I may not know what life without loneliness is really like- but I do know that G-d provides for me in times of trouble. I do know that when nothing makes sense at all in this crazy place we call the world, that G-d is not absent. I do know that He can be trusted. I do know that you do not have to be happy and healthy to feel the peace and presence of G-d.

ps- I will give anyone who can tell me what is wrong with this little paragraph twenty dollars. Just post your comments.

pps- previously in this post I mispelled Lonliness- I have corrected it at the request of my readers.

The Faithful Friend You Would Like To Lose

Have you ever found it harder to lose something than you expected? Have you ever found yourself wanting it back? You struggle inside yourself going back and forth between wanting it and thinking it's not really a good idea. And then sometimes the struggle is with wanting something that is not likely to ever happen and trying to "be realistic". It is amazing the highs and lows you can go through in a day. You can just feel the ice at nine in the morning you are so high but then at noon the ice may creep into your heart and you are hit with a hot blast of sand and grit. The joy is gone and all is dark. But then back up the mountain you go. Feelings are funny things.

Have you ever tried so hard for something- I mean so very very extremely hard- and just utterly failed, falling flat on your face? Have you ever given it all you got and then kept giving- but still did not make it? Have you ever dug so deep, so deep that you knew you had never dug there before, and still come up short? It is amazing to fail when you have tried. It is amazing in so many ways. I never really knew just how much I wanted to not lose something- not until I lost it.

When everything in your heart is abandoned and no one understands why it is that it hurts- and no one can see how they are hurting each other, when all is drowned out by the voice of selfish pain- a feeling that demands to be heard- then is the time that people so often learn a valuble lesson. And that lesson is most often too late. Not always, but most often it is.

Let the long dark tea time of the soul be the time that we prepare and learn. Scorn the pain too much and it will never leave you. Let it be heard.