To my melbourne reader

I have been thinking about your comment. A response is forthcoming. Oh, and don't forget to at least make up a name next time.

On Catharsis in brief

I am not going to finish posting all thirty-one poems from my project (and some of you may be relieved- I understand that the quality of some of them is not quite that good). I was finding it very helpful to post them (even the horribly bad ones), but I have recently been led to believe that it may have helped cause some confusion. People who do not write poetry (and now we are making no reference to whether or not your poetry is good or bad) are often surprised by what and when poets write- and they often fail to understand the major cathartic effect that writing (and even showing to others) has. As much as I hate to give up a means to making myself feel better (and I am so selfish sometimes), I will have to put that aside for awhile in the interest of others. I am not interested (in this particular case) in confusing or hurting anyone by writing. Why they would be reading my blog is a whole other question that there is no real need to go into.

I hope this precautionary measure is overkill and needless. I would like to think that nothing I wrote here would really be all that... well, let's just say I am happy stopping the postings knowing that I might not really need to stop the postings (just in case, as it were). So bid Memories of Holden Ln goodbye. I will probably not delete the ones already posted unless there is a direct request, but we'll see how my spirit goes. If anyone actually likes these and wants to read more- let me know and I will e-mail you some more of them. There is a whole world of pain from loss out there. Sometimes it helps to read what others expressed when they went through a loss themselves. Cheers.

(#10)

Sometimes I can't feel things
and I get funny looks from you
And you look hurt and confused
That I'm not just like you
And just because I can't express
And just because it hurts too bad
And just because it's far too soon
You do not understand.

I feel like it was my hurt
That drove you far away
And I can say it bothers me
That that seems fair to me.

But all the damage in the world
Is never quite enough to say
I was never able dear
To do what you thought you needed.

"Walk In The Park" (#9)

I remember blue skies
and bike rides through the hills
and freckles on your skin
and the smell of your shampoo
I remember how you laughed
And how you looked at night
And all the stupid things you said
That I miss so much
I remember just how tall
And how you fit beside
And the way you skipped across the room
Wearing out your favourite jeans
Which were so hard to find
And then there was the time you smiled
And the time you made me think
And the things I put aside
To try and take you seriously
I am just a little sad
And just a little crazy too
And everything that passed away
Well,
Some of it will be missed.

Climbing Ice In Alaska III - Dragonfly Falls

Climbing Ice In Alaska II - Day Trip To Healy

Ryan and I geared up at the top of the falls before we rapped down and proceeded to smoke ourselves doing laps.

Climbing Ice In Alaska I - The French Start

Starting the trip off right.. French start with bagel sandwiches.

And For This I have Come (#8)

And then there was hope
On a cold and bitter early morning
And all around were the enemies
But deep inside was the faith.

And every blessing that I trod underfoot
Screams to me now
And I cannot stuff my ears
And all that I did not make and do
All this failure is here now
Here in my face
And what did I know?
I sit in a silent pain
A pain that screams at me
A pain that digs deep in the dark places
But what is that now?

Who even reads this?
You don't, that's for sure
And so thirty-one seems so many
For I just want to be silent
Just want to forget
Just want to pretend it never happened at all.
The rain doesn't fall now
It is far too cold for that.

Warm the dark fires burn
And all the tears are building
I feel too much
And admit too little
Here the lessons come
Not in the comfortable place
Not in the quiet place-
Not in the peaceful place
Not in the happy place.
They come here.

#7

It is hard to recapture things
That move like mist and hide like dark
I glimpse you every now and then,
But never really see for sure.

I feel a stale and somber pall
The tension building slowly now
And in its great crecendo here
I'll be wiped away somehow.

I wish that I could cry tonight
Or scream in not so silent rage
But something holds me back from that
And keeps me stalled this night.

I feel stuck- I hope that you
Are doing something else
And feeling qute a different thing
And nowhere near this dead..

It never seems to let me go
As if it was an entity
And though I try to shake it off
It's you that I will never see.

You Did Not Remain (#6)

I saw you in the nights and in my fervent dreams
And tasted sweetly on the branch
And felt the wind of change embrace
But you did not remain.

And in the nature of the time
With clarity abandoned now
In keeping with this wretched theme
You did not remain.

Now it is nothing that you left
But everything to me
And though I dreamed of you so long
You still did not remain.

I look above and thank the one
Who made us both to be
And though it went not quite so well
Still, you did not remain with me.

With such and such a time gone on
And hearts no longer beating true
The beast set free perhaps too late
For you did not remain.

Be still and know that you were wrong
I tell myself tonight
And in the dark I hear a song
But you did not remain.

Fire and Skin (#5)

And all that tarnished silver there
I feel so close inside with you
But all the cheap and vulgar sin
Is just the thing to make it so.
And who the lie believes it true
With what your mother told you then
And when your father spoke it quiet
You were forever marked as such.

Make it round and make it fast
And come on over here to me
I couldn't ever make it last
but all that crazy fun,..

I am out here thinking back
The satin skin and golden locks
The gentle eyes always unsure
And all upon that round thing
I can barely keep it to myself
And memories come flooding back
But you are not the one to hear
And you take long to understand.

I think I had a crush on you
But then it bit me back
And when I tried to open up
That's when you attacked
And in you went the silence worked
And awkward's not the word
And oh the places that I went
And you set me all about.

Don't pretend you wanted less
Don't pretend at all
You wanted more and I was short
Or so it seemed to you.

I'll never be just quite the same
But that is prob'ly for the best
I wonder if it's really true...
Naah, it's probably for the best.

Expectations (#4)

I just feel so finite sometimes
So beyond my little self that
All I do and strive and try
Is just a dry fiction-
But I don't think it's that funny.
And all the things that I never wanted from you
You will never give to me
And all the things I think I need
I really never had at all
Which makes one wonder on the term-

need.

What just what do you think?
What did I really want from you?
And what was so repulsive,
That you just had to leave?

Maybe in the still cool light
Of those dawns when we still cared
And all our dreams were tangled there
Entwined together for awhile-
Maybe then i didn't ask
For enough to make you stay
And you thought my contentment
Was just a lack of real desire.

And now when people think to say,
"you should move yourself along,"
I know that that is crazy talk
For I cannot move myself along
And no one does and no one has
And all the lies we tell ourselves
Make us think we tell the truth
When we lie to each other.

I did not expect enough-
Perhaps that was the problem there
But deep inside I know the truth
That you just didn't love me.

So every explanation made
To ease my burdened heavy spirit
Is all a maddened sophist game
And I the only player here
Tell me now just what you think,
Tell me anything.

Let Your Journey's Hope Endure (#3)

I feel numb this particular day
I do not like to feel like this
And though I know that it is "safe"
Nothing ever really is.

You were on my mind today
And I'm not trying to forget
Just trying to move through it all
And remember both the good and bad.

I wonder when the feelings will
Start to fade from my heart
And I will not remember you
Much the same way at all.

I don't think I'll get there soon
But if you never pray for me
And hate me in your heart of hearts
Then I will be quite right.

But you don't want the smug pained look
And I don't want to feel this way
And no one wants a war right now
And everyone has made mistakes.

I don't know if I'm alright
I hate it when they ask me that
But I know that you were good
And I still have a hole.

One day maybe we will hug
And never look askance again
But I think that He'll have returned
And set up shop for good.

I could be wrong though if it's right
And so much changes as we walk
And in the journey peril-fraught
Enjoying things might lead to talk.

But all it takes is one lone soul
And nothing gaurding what we keep
And what we hope is rarely sure
And so with boldness must we leap.

I hope this writing finds you well
Or in the faith that keeps you sure
And whether things are good or bad
Let your journey's hope endure.

If Only We Could See It (#2)

You rocked me like a blood hound baying through my veins
Still tight as the high pressure shoots through like fire
My still beating heart thumps like a dull drum racing towards the desert night
And I hoped.
You made me accept good things and compliments like sweet rain on dry crops
With the dusty earth yearning for the wet drops to calm the peoples
You were my rainmaker.
You calmed me down
You quenched my dry hoarse burning throat and beat me till I said, "you're welcome"
You would not let me duck and turn and creep my way out of either good or aide.

When I needed help you told me I had to let you help me.
When you said that I was a righteous man and a wonderfull person,
You made me accept it- you would not drop it
You were persistant like a buzzing bumble bee flying close to my ear
As I swatted at you over and over- you just dodged and returned.
When I could not believe in myself
You sang sweet songs to my cautious soul
When I would not believe it,
You said it again.
When I could not accept it,
You stared me in the eyes
And overwhelmed me with your love.

But when you did not believe
I could not persuade you
When you did not accept
I could not help you as you helped me
You did not trust me
You did not honour me
You did not accept me
My love was not enough
And though you knew the struggle
You ran
You fled into the night
As I had wanted to do so many times when you pressed me.
I was not enough
You did not believe your God would want good for you-
The God who became a man,
The God who was mocked a man,
The God who was beaten a man,
The God who was murdered a man.
This God who payed so dear for the will of His Father-
This God who payed so dear for the love of the Church
This God you did not believe (though he knows the number of the hairs on your head) to have kind intentions towards you.
Not with me
Not because of me.
I was not enough (nor should I be- but you know that is not what I mean)
I could not be true.
And so you left.
What you could not abide in me
was of course most abundant in yourself
And is this not so often the case with us?
We hate in others the things we hate in ourselves the most.

And I am left my mouth agape
With the sudden wind blowing through my hair
(for you left so suddenly)
And my dull eyes, wet with tears,
Are lost to a haze of nothingness
An idle fog hangs about me like a shroud
Obscuring my last vision of you
Until I am left with nothing
But your inconcievable decision
And no explanation at all.

It is not better to struggle alone
It is not good to turn away those who would help you
It is not wise to make decisions with no reason
And if you cannot explain it to yourself
You do not have a reason
If you cannot explain it to others
You may be forgiven
But we often have what we need and even want
Hidden right in front of us
If only we could see it.

Thirty-one Poems In Ten Days, or Memories of Holden Ln

#1

Have you ever wondered how you can go on feeling
When the feelings no longer seemed to be connected to reality?
I am trying to just let the feelings be
Just be as they are.

I don't really know how to cut and run
I can't seem to find the switch-
But even if I could, do you really think I could turn it off?

You know, I have been told my whole life
That expressing yourself is healthy-
But I kind of just thought that was for someone else-
The expressing that is
So now when I try, it feels weird, but seems normal
And I cannot write beautiful.

I do not have beauty inside me.

I do not feel beauty inside me.

I feel loss.

The heart I have is turned towards you
And all those miles apart are like
A knife embedded deep within
and all the life is flowing out
-But who am I to stop the flow?
And say this feeling must not be
For you are gone so far away-
But I am still right here.

Go Time

The posts may be spotty for the next two weeks, of course, they might not- but it is time for finals, so just in case, I thought I would warn you. Christmas is coming up- and so are a few republican primaries (in the next few months). Consider Ron Paul.

And So I Saw

That place that was so far away
And in here where I hold it close
And cannot reach the last long inch
I left my home to find my way
But you did not understand
And all that happened was so close
But might as well have been so far
And never reaching what I hoped'
Always just a breath away,
I always almost made it there.

Fear, Planning, and Uncertainty- The Big Picture We Do Not See

I was reminded of something by a comment on a picture of me rappelling down "into" a glacier, so to speak. It is only a few posts back if you want to reference it. Rappelling down over a cliff that you did not climb up- you don't always know what is down there, you don't always know if the rope is long enough, you don't always know if you are going to make it to the bottom- or even what the bottom is. Here is another picture of one of the group of us going over the same cliff. I think it will give a little perspective. He hasn't actually gotten to the overhanging part yet (which is where the photo of me a few posts ago was taken).



You can see the big picture when you look at these two photos- and I'm typing so you can assume that everything went alright. But here is what we did the night before. Mind you, this is the same exact rappel, however we had not done it before and... it was dark.



This is me getting ready to go down over the edge of the cliff. I cannot see anything. I am looking down to check the little bit of safety I have before I go over. And then I descend- but even though I am descending down the cliff (which you have now seen)- I am really only descending into the inky blackness of the night.

There are times in life, when what we must do is much the same. After the fact, or in a different light- what we have done may seem amazing and fantastic and beautiful. At the time we often do it, however, it is just uncertain and fearful. When you go down off the edge and into the night- what do you take with you?

Recommendation

The Prayer Book Society of the U.S.A. has a news blog. I reccommend that you check it out. I put it on the blogroll on the right. It is very interesting to see how other not-quite-so-individualistic Christians handle serious disagreements. Check it out. Let me know what you think.

A Coming I

I heard a voice call to the dead
A thousand lambs lay slain afield
And in the thunder loud he said,
"Rise up my children for death shall yield."

In the valley where we lay
On the bones of dead long gone
He bid them rise and come to Him
From dust and ashes in the dawn.

I was dying on that plain
My blood was leaking to the earth
And all around me the dead began
To rise alive, a second birth.

I watched my brothers open eyes
That our enemies had closed
And on the plain where battles waged
Our fathers dead before us rose.

I looked to heaven from the earth
And saw a thing I'd never seen
As on the clouds a man came down
And all my wounds had never been.

Morning

Some mornings you wake up and see a firy dream. Dreams comes true sometimes. Dreams come true.