So it is telling the words people use when they are unhappy in a relationship. It is a travesty how many people pass each other by and give up all because they do not understand and communicate to each other appropriately and effectively. When you say that different people experience feeling loved in different ways it does not sound too weird- it makes sense to most people. If they think about it, they may even come to feel that it is an obvious truth. Yet so many have not thought through what this means in their own relationships. I know I did not consider this much at all. I know that I usually did for my girlfriends what I wanted them to do for me. I suppose it is not completely irresponsible if I did not know what made a particular girlfriend feel loved to act as a default this way- but for some reason it never occured to me to ask. That was stupid of me.
I mean, I know that I cannot change the past (oh, how I know it), but wow, how many times did I come so close to applying this idea to a relationship and not do it. If you know that your girlfriend wants to sit on the couch and have you look her in the eye and talk to her about whatever it is that she wants you to talk with her about- why would you not just do it- I mean you like the girl presumably? It does not matter if it is easy for you to sit and talk or touch or give her things, or cook for her (you could even be an awful cook), or tell her she is wonderful- if you know she wants that, if you know that that makes her feel loved- why wouldn't you do any one or more of those things? I mean, as a guy, if I knew that I had to change the starter on a car and what I really wanted to do was change the starter on my car- I wouldn't go buy a metric tool set to do the job if the car was filled with english sized hardware. I don't care if one is more expensive than the other, or if one is only available two towns over- if I want to change the starter on my car and I do not have the right tools, I'm not going to use the wrong ones just because it's easier or it comes more naturally for me. I am going to use the right ones. In the same way, how many times have I told a girl she was pretty who just wanted me to sit and talk with her. And also how many times has a girl said nice things about me over and over again when all she really needed to do was give me a back rub and cook me dinner and I would have been her manslave forever- even if she told me I was an idiot everyday.
When people feel loved, they can do a whole lot of things they can't when they don't feel loved. When people feel loved they can put up and get through all sorts of hardships that would wreck them if they did not feel loved. I say thank God for love. Thank Gary Chapman for his book. And also thank you Doctor, for the reccomendation.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” -II Corinthians 12:9
You've been marked on my visitor map! Click to zoom in.
Get your own map at hit2map.com
14 comments:
so, I sorta disagree. I think that sometimes a person can't communicate love the way their significant other needs it, and thats a problem. Or they are perfectly able to do it, and just don't because they are losers. I don't think that a person should change they way they communicate love just to hold onto the other person. That will mess them up. True Story.
Um.. April.. you said the same thing Joe said but you said you disagreed. What's up with that?
Hal
Often people make the extra effort, particularly in the beginning of a relationship but then can get lazy or complacent. Sometimes people have difficulty communicating love the way their partner needs because it doesn't fit with their ideal of how a man or woman acts or with some "role" we see ourselves in. I don't agree with April that it is in order to "hang on to someone." My thought is that it shows sensitivity to your partner. We all have different family and life histories that create who we are and how we experience life and LOVE.
Alice Nichol
I must misunderstand something. Its a common problem. I thought Joe was saying that if you know what a person wants, you should just give it to them even if its not the way you express love. I think a person shouldn't change the way they express love because the person they like doesn't understand them.
does that make sence?
The way you express love and the way that you recieve love (or the things that make you feel loved) are not the same thing. It is not about hanging on or not hanging on to someone- it is about choosing to love someone. I am not talking about the euphoric in-love feeling, I am talking about actually loving someone.
You may express love or appreciation towards people easier in some ways and have a harder time with expressing it others- but the point is that you are loving someone else, not yourself- so if you want someone to talk to you and pay attention to what you say- and they give you gifts, instead, and don't listen to a word you say- you will not feel loved, appreciated, etc... So, it is important to figure out what makes the people you care about (not just significant others) feel loved and cared for. One of the key things to consider is that what makes you feel loved is not necessarily going to be the same as what makes another person feel loved. There may only be a handful of general categories (five according to Chapman), but it is still important to figure out which ones apply to you and which ones apply to the person you are in a relationship with (whatever type of relationship that may be).
I think that this is true for the most part but it does leave out one very important aspect. It is often what goes unsaid that causes the problems...if it's something as simple as speaking two different languages, then get a dictionary and figure out what they're saying. Silence is the only language that cannot be translated.
oops that last one was Ben...oh yeah
Dude there is some great truth in there. I can totally dig the the whole manslave part for a backrub and Supper!!
I don't think that any couple out there communicates love perfectly. Therefore every couple has to learn how to communicate throughout their relationship. So today I want to ask the question of my love,"How can I love you more today?" She might think I'm crazy.... well... she's right!! Crazy for Hannah!
Keep up the good bloggin' peace Albe of Anchorage
Ben, if you could have said anything more true on this topic at this time- I do not know what it would be. Silence is not golden. I wholeheartedly agree with you on this. You cannot translate silence.
Albe, that is awsome, and so are you.
You may not always feel loved or even want to love your someone. Meny time i have seen where love is more work then pleasure Love is not a game to be played. No human person without divine intervention can love another the way they should be loved. You can not have a true love for your someone if you have any selfish motives involved. If you try to love your someone to meet a need you have it will fail.
Joe- I think a lot of people have difficulty understanding this becuz the idea seems so elementary. Why in the world would you need to "ask" what your partner needs to feel loved? It's such a silly question. You should just "get" it, or they should just "know" you love them. The problem can arise when either people aren't aware this is happening in their relationship and they think it must be a bad fit or they think it's too obvious to address and couldn't possibly be the problem. Something else must be inherently wrong with them or they just don't care.
And on a side note April, (correct me if I'm wrong, Joe) I believe the book also acknowledged that knowing your partner expresses love to you differently, and interpreting their "preferred" expressions as their love for you, can be helpful. It wasn't all about changing yourself, although changing a few of your own behavior patterns is usually much easier than changing your interpretations of someone else's behavior.
-Bridget
Ah, B-Stock... I am afraid I am going to have to agree with you. And yes, the book is about communication and understanding- so it is not just a one-sided thing at all- and April, you should just read it.
-Joseph
Very thoughtful Joseph. I would like to read the book.
Post a Comment