When I die inside of it
With the red roses dripping from the rafters
And the sweet sun burning in through the skin of it
I will lift my hands and look to the hills.

When I rise from this body of death and decay
And stand once again on two legs
Up from the blood and gore that cover my corpse
I will lift up my hands.

When the chains that bind me are loosed
And the weight that sits so heavy on me
Is taken up
I will lift my voice.

I am in the mud
I am fallen low
I am underneath the weight of sin and death
But I will rise- and this not on my own.

You all laugh at me
And some look on with pity
But I am nothing here and you are fools
And I will not laugh at your defeat.

This then I wait for:
The end of days
The end of me
And the return of the King.

Where in Hell

Funny how things go sometimes. It seems like just the other day I was on a search for something- and in the thick of it. What seems like yesterday has turned into years- and I still haven't found what I'm looking for (sorry Bono, I couldn't think of a different way to say it). When you are intentionally involved, the passage of time seems justified (whether fast or slow). When you are not consciously involved, however, it is as if you periodically wake up, look around and ask yourself- "where the heck am I?" When I was first in college, the possibilities for life seemed endless- now, I don't even want most things. I am not interested in very many possibilities any more...

Funny how things go sometimes. It seems like I just cannot seem to stay awake (metaphorically speaking). It is like I keep waking up in a different spot and find that more of my life has been lived- and apparently it was lived by me... what to do, what to do... hmmm...

I remember when Colonel Potter said, "if you ain't where you are, you ain't nowhere," on M.A.S.H. I just cannot seem to be where I am for very long. I always seem to be somewhere else.

The Isolation of Self

Why is it that people who need others and already know they need others walk alone? Why is it that people suffer when they do not need to? Why is it that members of a body would isolate themselves from the body as a whole? Why carry burdens yourself that will break you and that others would be happy to share?

A Psalm, part I

As you grind me into dust with the length of days
And batter me hard and long
Remember your promise
And do not forsake me
I have no strength left
My glory is turned to shame and I have fallen
I do not see anything in this darkness
No light
No sound
No hopeful children's laughter
No games and no pretty girls
My tongue no longer tastes
My eyes no longer see
My hands feel only the cold.

Long ago you heard me call
Long ago you answered
Long ago you saved me
I am sorry that it has come to this
I am sorry that I am so stiff-necked and rebellious
I am sorry that you have to beat me like this
I don't know how to see it- even though you told me.

Let the lost light filter down
Let the lost soul bend the knee
Let him bow before the starry crown
And let the blind man once again see.

Discontent

Now I can see the truth of my heart
It is not content
It is restless everynight
And cannot find peace
The answers are not within
And neither is the will to right-
Or so it seems.
I repeat and find new sins
And jump of cliffs that are too high
Because I do not trust my God
I always want more
I always seek for more
I am not content
I am a young fool
And all the destruction that I have wrought
Has been from my discontent
All the damage that I have done
Has been from my lack of trust
I am not at peace because I am not obedient
I am not obedient because I am afraid and hurting
I am afraid and hurting because I do not trust
I am willfull and stiff-necked
Rock-bottom awaits my redemption
Now and in the hour of my death.

To Mike

You ran fast. You smiled quick. When you were killed by small arms fire in Iraq we all lost something. I will miss you. I may never run as fast as you did in life- but I will not forget you. Goodbye Mike, the world is not the same without you.

The Lord Who Calls Us Home

When all hope was lost
And had swiftly fled the night
And I was so alone
And unable to fight-

That is when you came
He sent you from the past
A friend indeed in my time of need
With all the things that last.

I had forgotten just what we were
And could not hope to find
The answers that we already had
And I had lost in time.

But just the thought of you right now
reminds me from where I've come
And all the hopes that we once had
That God has put to shame.

I have been so far afield
And lost and on my own
But I think I remember now
The Lord who calls us home.

Here We Go Again

Another year has passed campers. I for one may know more than I ever have before- but I certainly don't feel good about it. I just see better now what a truly long road it is likely to be. I remember my 11th birthday party. It was awsome. I mean I was shy and wasn't that good at being sociable- but it seemed normal. And I definitely thought normal was synonymous with good at the time. There were lot's of people- and even kids from my own class. I remember that my nana made my favourite cake. My mom made beef stew. Justin from school gave me a goldfish whom I promptly named void (and that died about three days later- I wrote a poem for him, I think... can't find it though). I thought the goldfish was cool- and I thought that getting a gift from a classmate ("dare I think him a friend?" I thought) was cool. Jennifer came too and got me something- and Jen and Justin's parents were there and they went off and "played" with my parents while we played amongst ourselves. There were presents and food and I think there might have been family, too- but probably not too many of them. All in all my elleventh birthday was ok- actually it was pretty good. I felt like I was normal for a bit, felt like I belonged for just a few hours. Good hours they were. I miss them. Another year and all that has come before has led me here. May God have mercy upon me and cause the light of His countenance to shine upon me. May He give me awareness of my birth in Christ that I have not known. May He show me how I am to live more this year than the last. May I, in my weakness- whether in despair or in triumph, whether in victory or defeat- give praise to His name and remember Him always. May He continue to withold that which I desire more than life until such time as is right. Blessed be the name of the Lord, without whom, knowledge falls apart. Another year.

How Can I...?

Find me oh Lord, for I am lost
The screams are ripped from my throat
As I fall through the darkness
The inky black surrounds me
And I only feel the rush of the wind upon my face
As I fall.

Find me, oh Lord, for I am yours
How can I worship you When my heart is so cold?
How can I hear you when the clubs of my enemies beat me round my ears?
Pick me up, oh God-
You who made the earth and all the heavens 'round,
Pick me up.

Find me, Oh Lord, for you are my rock
And all else is vanity
I am surrounded by the lies I have believed
They rot my heart out from within
I fall by them
They threaten to consume me
Save me from the war within myself.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge
You have spoken, my Lord
Fools despise instruction
You have spoken, my Lord
You have conquered death-
So let me die only once,
And this every day.

A Prayer To My God

After you destroy me
After I die
Please revive me
And make me to fly.

After you break my bones
and drown me in the sea
please lift me up
And give life to me.

After my body is stretched upon the rack
And all my bones are ground to dust
Please make me live
And cause me to trust.

After you beat me
And I am at my end
Please wake me from this nightmare
And cause me to dream again.

After the hordes surround me
And I am crushed to the earth
Please visit your breath upon me
And tell me of my birth.

I despair, no victory
And hope has fled my sight
Slay me Lord I am your slave
In hope, or in this night.

I cannot create in myself what I need
It does not exist within
Truth is not from within
I cannot save myself- especially not from myself
All toil and song
has lead me this long
and now the darkness I do see
and see that it is inside of me
The world seems lost and fading fast
And on its way strait down to hell
and dragging children down with it
as they clap and sing.

Here inside I feel the weight
The loss is heavy on my brow
The hope seems far
How long oh Lord?
I will toil
And I will trouble
And for my labours
My pain will double.

You who seek a way to light
Are better off than you think
It is those who do not see the dark
That stand upon the very brink.

You who seek a way to truth
Are better off than you know
And in despair your voice may rise
To heights in health you'd never throw.

Heavy sits the cold hard truth
On the backs of average men
And when the stones cry out to God
The time is lost and past again.

On the Allure of Being Understood

Have you ever wanted to be understood? Have you ever felt like you were not? Does the desire for being understood really also contain a desire to be accepted? It is possible to be accepted without being understood. It is possible to be loved without being understood. It is possible to have loyal friends and lovers who do not understand you. It is possible to be cared for by those who do not understand you. Why, then, is being understood so alluring? Why is the idea of it so intoxicating? It seems as if you could live your whole life without it, but it seems like most of us do not want to live our whole life without it. Why is that?

We also have to ask ourselves what we mean by "understood". Do we wish to be accurately profiled? Do we wish to be predictable to someone? Do we want someone to be able to finish our sentances? It seems like these things are not what we mean by "understood"- or at least they are not the full description of what we desire. It seems, actually, as if a person could spend enough time with us to be able to predict what we are going to do and finish our sentances, and the like- but still not really understand us.

So what is the allure of being understood? What do we really want?

On Other gods

I have seen them running in the dust
And in the dust they have died
And all they praised in ease
Was no comfort in hardship.

There was a time of light
A time far away from the night
And there was a time of hope
And now this time is a distant thing.

The cloud that trails their fleeing steps
Obscures the ground soaked with the sweat of their fear
And all their boasting has come to naught
This I tell you will come to pass.

On Veterans

Today and tomorrow we should consider our veterans. Does America have the right or obligation to police the world? That does not matter for this particular day. We can talk about that on sunday. Today and tomorrow, we as Americans should honour the dead and honour the living- those who have served. Many have paid the price that keeps them from any dialogue in the service of this country. Many have suffered. Many have fallen. My brothers, my sisters, I salute you. We are not worthy of your sacrifice- yet you have given it. Many have betrayed what you have done- yet you have died for us. Many have no understanding of service at all- yet you have given your lives for us. Those who are dead, those who are living- we salute you. May God have mercy upon you and show you the light of His salvation.

To Doug, who I will never climb with again

I am sorry that you had to leave. I am sorry that you were taken from us. I will never forget watching you deck in your mom's harness. I will never forget. I cannot buy you a beer when you get home now. I cannot tell you about the glory of God, now. I will never get to belay you again. I will never get to see you climb again. I will never get to see you fall again. I will never get to see you get back up again. I cried when I listened to the voice-mail from Liza. I cried a lot more when I was by the ocean in Boston. The waves kept crashing on the shore as the tide came in in the dark night. I wanted to be mad at God. But He was not the one. I wanted to be mad at someone- but looking for some scapegoat seemed so hollow. "Why did you have to go?" I asked myself. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away- may the name of the Lord be praised. I miss you Doug. I miss you. Goodbye Doug.

Coloured Blue

I have seen them in the wake and never have I rode it through
And as I fall beneath the waves
I see the world completely blue
And coloured by this failure make
The rest of life a living hell
As I drown beneath the waves
I give up the light that filters down.

Pressing On...

When a goal is in view- waste may be cut and the fall may be taken. Great hardships may be endured if the goal is in mind. When there is a goal. When there is a goal. Without a goal, the easy seems hard. The hard seems impossible. And nothing really seems to matter, anyways. There is a goal in life. There is a goal in your life. There are many stages and levels of goals that make goals possible. Pressing on... towards what? You may ask yourself what you work for. You may ignore the question for a long time. But really, you need to know. You burn with the desire for it. You want a goal, you need a goal. If you don't find one already in play you may just make one up for yourself. What is a goal? What is your goal? What is my goal? Pressing on...

On The Edge of The World I Found It- On The Diving Board I Felt It.

I have journeyed to the edge of the world
And up above the diving board
And there I found peace-
But it was not there at the edge of the world
It was not there on the diving board
That is merely where it came to me
That is merely the place I was when He made it known.
And oh how I have wandered far from that place
But it was not the place
So peace may return - even here.
Peace may return amidst the din and press about me
Peace may indeed return-
For no longer is it found in any place.

In This Dark Cell

I know not what the angel speaks
Or where must be this place of love
But somewhere hidden deep below,
A light shines through above.

I whisper softly for the light
And hear the faintest call respond
But I am hard upon the stone
This prison will not have me long.

For I will die upon the floor
Deep within this well of fear
And with the aching of my heart
Will call to one who is so dear.

Psalm 124

"'If it had not been the Lord who was on our side,'
Let Israel now say-
'If it had not been the Lord who was on our side,
When men rose up against us,
Then they would have
swallowed us alive,
When their wrath was kindled against us;
Then the waters would have overwhelmed us,
The stream would have gone over our soul;
Then the swollen waters would have gone over our soul.'

Blessed be the Lord,
Who has not given us as prey to their teeth.
Our soul has escaped as a bird from the snare of the fowlers;
The snare is broken,
and we have escaped.
Our help is in the name of the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth."

(Psalm 124, NKJV)