War With Self

2011-07-08T07:19:00.001-08:00

Interesting

And First to Crush the Wisdom Comes

2011-07-02T09:08:00.002-08:00

There are days of death and days of war
That bring us closer to your door
And while we shuffle anxious feet
We wait outside the door to meet.

We fail and lose and fall and die
And wonder vaguely towards the sky
The things we thought were sure are dead
And things we hoped are put to bed.

Life goes on, or so they say
and bad men usually get their way
But what is most surprising now
Is not the what or the how.

2011-03-04T00:05:00.001-09:00

Truth calls for love
Love stands on truth
We stand or fall on blood
And blood makes us clean or sends us below.
And so everywhere there is blood.

First

2011-03-03T12:18:00.001-09:00

Sometimes it so happens
And life can never be the same
And all we want to know
Is how can He possibly redeem this?

Going to Trust...

2011-02-25T00:15:00.004-09:00

You ever feel like you were stuck? You ever feel like there just wasn't a good option? You ever feel happy? You ever feel like things couldn't get any better? Feelings are important... but they do have a way of confusing things, don't they?

Trusting God when things seem bad and when things seem great can be hard to remember. Living with feelings can be hard to do. He is God however. Who else are you going to trust?

Meow Kitty

2011-02-22T17:21:00.000-09:00

Quote of the Week XLI

2011-02-21T11:30:00.002-09:00

All too often, however, we are enticed by the worldly substitutes. When facing hardship, we are apt to seek a friend before turning to the Psalms. When tempted to doubt God's provision, we turn to human leaders before going to the words of Jesus. When angry, we seek someone who will justify us rather than the wisdom of Proverbs. Within us all is the tendency to turn to the uninspired books of men ahead of the inspired Book of God. (J. Ligon Duncan, Ph.D. and Randy Stinson, Ph.D. from the preface of Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. Crossway Books. Wheaton: 2006.)

2011-02-13T09:47:00.001-09:00

Clock-time is a plague
A fading shadow of real order
The ticking of the seconds
Is not the sun, is not the moon.

There is a season
But it is not a roman god
There is a time
But we do not decide its beginning or ending.

Real days pass
And real hours come
We move through time like a wave
It mostly moves us.

Bonhoeffer

2011-02-02T00:39:00.001-09:00

I just finished a biography on Dietrich Bonhoeffer written by Eric Metaxas. Rarely have I seen such a gift of writing used on a biography. So much to think about. So much to be thankful for. I loved all of it.

2011-01-10T01:44:00.001-09:00

I dream a dream where gazes rise
Where all the hope and beauty lies
Where princes sleep and dragons rest
And all the coloured tucans nest.

Sleep tonight and you will wake
Though this storm is wild
Wait for me and I will take
You to that blessed dream my child.

Another Year

2011-01-09T01:58:00.003-09:00

Another year has passed. I now have more years than Baskin Robins has flavours. That one seemed a bit rough. I don't have that overly-optimistic feeling I once did. I am miraculously still here. Not to worry- I won't explain that. Still I do remember the fire. I do remember the desire. I do remember the capacity, the fervor, the zest... I remember being awake. It can take a lot to wake a sleeper. Let's hope that I am rousing.

Again

2010-12-28T02:11:00.001-09:00

And then death comes knocking
and of course I let him in
And all the hope collapses
And all is lost again.

2010-12-20T16:11:00.001-09:00

Sometimes I can't imagine making it in this life. I just think it is one epic fail after another. I imagine that if God had wanted to help me He would have done so long ago.

And I don't understand freedom. And I don't understand predestination. And I don't understand evil. And I get this feeling that I have outlived my usefulness. I worry that I am even more free than I realized and thus even more culpable.

How long will my heart contend with God? How long will I be a fool. Why must I wrestle? I hear bells.

Sleeping While Covered in Fur

2010-12-18T14:45:00.000-09:00

I have always liked cats. I really couldn't say why. I had some good ones in my day. One thing I like is how calm they can be. I like being at peace. I always have. I have not actually always been at peace. And unrest has not always been followed by periods of peace. Unrest has often been followed by more unrest. Perhaps that is why I value peace so...

Peace with God is peace indeed. Other things are incidental. How easy it is to forget that.

A Time to Win and a Time to Lose

2010-12-17T12:20:00.003-09:00

The ebb and flow of life with all its struggles, battles, and pain is something that escapes me. Yet the scriptures say:

3:1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
(Ecc. 3:1-8)

There is a time for every heartache and defeat under the sun. Let us- let me- remember that.

And Now Especially...

2010-12-16T13:18:00.001-09:00

Love lived seems love lost
Joy remembered seems a ghost
Happy days seem far removed
And I will praise His name.

The dead seem to linger
And their pain is a dam
That holds back all the ocean
But I will praise His name.

The sun seems to hide
Or maybe I am blind
For His word never fails
So will I praise His name.

The earth opens to swallow me
And I stand at the edge
And all the inky blackness
Let all that is within me praise His name.

Epic Fail...

2010-12-12T20:20:00.003-09:00

Determined to find meaning in Christmas I have decided to make an effort. I've always wanted to have something to hold onto... but holidays always seem so sad. It's true that I expect an epic fail...

How Long

2010-12-10T15:08:00.002-09:00

Psalm 13
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

13:1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

"Light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death..." I think many of us have felt what this request expresses. We may not have the gall to say such things to God. Maybe we feel it's not our place. Maybe we feel we don't deserve it. Maybe this, maybe that- we all feel things that we want to bring to the Lord but for some reason we don't.

Now maybe at the moment you are not thinking to yourself, God make me alive or I will die. However, I'm sure that there is something that you feel that you don't want to bring to God. And I know, it very well may be something like if you don't save me now I'm going to die.

I know that I don't want to bring certain things to God. I also know that I get tired of bringing them. I know that my perseverance fails me. But would it not, in point of fact, be a shame to God to not come through on His word? Of course it would. He has not, does not, and will not fail.

2010-12-07T16:29:00.002-09:00

As the blog is changing I decided to try a slightly new look. It will take me some time to work out all the details. Please forgive the annoying bits while I wade through it all. The Lord be praised.

2010-12-07T16:23:00.002-09:00

Dear reader,

It occurs to me that I don't seem to listen. That mostly means that you were right and now I am suffering the consequences. Some people say that you have to hit bottom to have a real change of heart. Am I going to find out?

2010-12-07T16:14:00.002-09:00

In this world death comes so easy. It comes in many forms. It comes in many ways. Life, on the other hand, seems so hard to come by. Life seems to be the struggle. There is little struggle for death. But life... Funny, the words of God to Cain...

In This War...

2010-12-06T17:46:00.002-09:00

I want what I cannot fake. I want what I cannot manufacture myself. I want something so great that it is hard to top it with one's wildest dreams. I want a repentant heart. I want repentance. I think we often deny that we want this when we succumb to easily besetting sins. I think we rationalize, deny, and "justify" our attitudes, feelings, and behaviors. But we all want something real. We don't want the fake. I don't want the fake. I don't want the appearance. I want the real. I want what cannot be faked. In this war...

2010-12-05T17:33:00.001-09:00

Emotions can be like a roller-coaster. They are up and down. They move fast. And they can make you feel out of control and at their mercy. It can be really hard to feel.

Fear

2010-12-04T23:19:00.003-09:00

Does anyone remember that song that starts, "Deep in the bosom of the gentle night is when I search for the light. Pick up my pen and start to write. I struggle to fight the forces of the pale moonlight... without fear... insomniac." Yeah I thought I would be alone on that one.

I do wonder though. What do you suppose it is like to be without fear? I John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." I wonder if I have not been perfected in love. It does seem like I am afraid an awful lot. Am I afraid of punishment? Well I don't want to take anything out of context-- but it is on my mind.

I am often surprised at what scares me and what doesn't. I would imagine that I am not the only one. I pray that God will deal with me in my fear and teach me what is good about it and what is not. Let Him be praised.

"Of the Imitation of Christ"

2010-12-03T14:45:00.003-09:00

I have been reading Thomas A Kempis' book "of the Imitation of Christ" for a couple months now. I wanted to cruise through it-- but it keeps stopping me dead in my tracks. I wanted to quote from it-- but there are at least two lines in every paragraph that cut me to the bone. All in all the book is far more relevant and far more insightful than most of what I have read this year. He saw me coming a mile away.

Here is another sample:

And if he who firmly purposes often fails, what shall he do who seldom, or with little firmness, purposes anything? (-Thomas A Kempis, "of the Imitation of Christ" chapter 19: Exercises of a Religious Person)

How quickly I lose my resolve to fear and shame. How quickly I give in and give up when I should persevere. How quickly I drop and do not even feign to rise. Christ have mercy.

2010-12-02T14:49:00.000-09:00

Why is it that walking in the cold makes me feel better?

2010-12-02T00:34:00.003-09:00

Dear self,

As the audience is no longer with us (or even important) I feel that I should point out that sometimes you also don't suck-- but only sometimes. And today definitely felt like a wash. Kathy is probably going "eek!" watching the highlights. That was a pretty good impression of Kathy-- too bad no one could hear it.

2010-12-01T22:16:00.001-09:00

Dear self,

Sometimes I really hate you. You suck. We were all thinking it- but I have to live with it so I should be the one to say it.

2010-12-01T10:00:00.000-09:00

I woke this morning and I thought, "what can I do?". My sins beset me and my hope fails me. What will this day have for me? What have I to offer my God today? All I have is brokenness, weakness, and betrayal. Christ have mercy.

2010-12-01T00:31:00.002-09:00

Way down in the valley. I ran down here. Sometimes I think I'm afraid to be up high. Sometimes I think I hide in prison because freedom terrifies me. Way down in the valley. That's what we used to sing when we marched. I am truly sorry. But feelings do not reality make. Falling.

2010-11-30T15:29:00.001-09:00

Lord how could it be? The night is long and dark. I cannot see. I do not hear your voice. What way out?

For That Birth

2010-11-30T11:08:00.002-09:00

And then it broke one final time
And all was lost in dirt and grime
And on the earth was broken glass
And through the gate I could not pass.

Dark times inside that make me wail
And dream of life beyond the veil
The list of woes I brought in here
Is capped about with angry fear.

The Paralyzed are now my kin
And I can't seem to make it in
And stuck in pieces on the earth
I wait again for that birth.

Sometimes...

2010-11-30T10:48:00.003-09:00

Sometimes things are not as you wish they were. It can be trying. You lose one too many battles- or just lose a choice battle that was particularly devastating and life can seem overwhelming. It can feel just like failure is what you were made for. Perhaps you really were made to be a warning to others and all you can think is:

"But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?" (Romans 9:20 ESV)

Question

2010-11-28T18:13:00.001-09:00

Are there problems without answers?

New Season

2010-11-25T16:19:00.003-09:00

It is time for a change. A new season is about to begin. This season is, of course, winter. I will be blogging again. It will not, however, be the same. As such I will soon cease the re-publishing on Facebook. If anyone is interested they will have to visit the actual blog site which is www.warwithself.blogspot.com

Here's to hope (glass raised).

2010-11-22T21:21:00.001-09:00

Dear Reader,

I wonder sometimes. Will I make it? Probably not. Death to the bad and onward we go. Cheers.

A Long Experiment

2010-11-03T14:55:00.004-08:00

So I have been having a lovely break from blogging and there are no promises that I will really start back up again. So in case I don't I thought I should just say thank you to all of my readers. The two of you were such an encouragement (drum fill, symbol clash). Cheers.

2010-07-26T11:49:00.003-08:00

The weight is such a burden
And all the world it aches
and groans for its redemption
it trembles and it shakes.

The light it seems so weak
Just a sliver in the dark
A tiny shaft cut through the night
and such a tiny spark.

We cry in silence to our gods
And here we see the best
It comes to naught and we are left
With nothing but this test.

The World Slips By

2010-07-20T22:16:00.003-08:00

The world slips by
I can feel it fall through my fingers like tiny grains of sand
The night moves on
And now is come like the brightest sun
All in my dreams are safe for a time
But great things begin to stir
And terrible consequences brew and bubble
The world will soon be on fire
and not just in my dreams...

A Break In The Shooting

2010-07-16T01:12:00.004-08:00

The shooting stopped days ago
Must be wounded good
but where are you progenitor?
And why should I have stood?

The last round hit me bad old man
Did it shake your grave?
Did you weep and cry for me?
To see me misbehave?

You'd think I'd been done feeling this
And long ago done trying
But all the world's awash in this
And all my heart's for crying.

Case of the Mondays

2010-06-21T23:37:00.001-08:00

I know what you are thinking... and we are all glad that Brazil has babies AND access to the internet.

Paddle In The Water

2010-06-16T00:21:00.002-08:00

Sometimes things are as they seem. You think they are terrible because they really are. You feel they are great because, hey, they are actually great.

Do you ever wonder why you wonder about why you might think otherwise?

The Real

2010-06-15T00:15:00.002-08:00

The real weighs like lead
And sometimes it really is gold
And always I hear it screaming
And always it makes me feel old.

The real is why I run
The real is why I stay
The real is why I weep
And why it turned out this way.

Hiding makes for nothing
But prisons in the mind
And all the real I would avoid
One day I know I'll find...

YouTube Is Just So Wonderful

2010-06-12T00:04:00.001-08:00

Quote of the Week XL

2010-06-11T23:42:00.001-08:00

Needless to say, this behavior was not only entirely predictable, it was predicted by many on both sides of the test standards issue. Personally, I don't care either way. As far as I'm concerned, attempting to fine-tune mass public education through technical measures falls well into the lipstick-on-a-pig category. (-Vox Day)

2010-06-07T01:18:00.001-08:00

"I would rather feel contrition than know the definition thereof." - Thomas a Kempis
from chapter 1 of the first book in "Of The Imitation of Christ"

How many things do I know of that I do not practice? How much condemnation am I in danger of falling under?

I know many definitions- but do I live many of them? I think not. My mind and heart and spirit are not always in accord. I am weary with learning because I am slow to do.

If I was faithful to even a quarter of the knowledge I had...

So many vanities...

2010-05-25T09:49:00.001-08:00

My heart breaks a thousand times
And then a thousand more
I wish that I could see my dream
And walk upon that shore.

Thou long afflicted by your sin
Come with me to sing this song
Gird your loins and lift your voice
The day is nigh; the night is long.

Though thou wish for brighter days
They come not at thy beck and call
And now we sing in darkest night
And under stars we beat the wall.

Sometimes and for a moment...

2010-05-24T03:07:00.001-08:00

I imagine sometimes a place where things make sense and all the flowers bloom- the piano plays and the drinks are smooth... And all my fears do not make me alone. The life flows deep and so do I. Rythms are not foreign; they are inside me.

A place that I have not ruined. A place that is not dead. And all the tears are wiped away. Every single tear.

I imagine a place that is not here. And sometimes I wish it were now.

2010-03-23T23:06:00.003-08:00

Some days are like fire
Some days are like bliss
Some days are heavy
And some like a kiss

I cannot imagine
when I am alone
how I will make it
And what will be done.

Some pains are fire
and some pains are bliss
some pains are heavy
and some like a kiss...

2010-03-09T23:17:00.003-09:00

Be at rest
Find peace my soul
Take all the pieces to the whole
Bind them up and make them sing
Let the dead to life us bring

You have fallen very far
And all the death and weakness choke
And though you cannot see the sun
Listen to the one who spoke

Be at rest
Find peace my soul
Though you hear the darkest song
Be at rest
Find peace my soul
Though it seems forever long
Be at rest
Find peace my soul
Listen to your maker's voice
Be at rest
Find peace my soul
Be at rest.

Quote of the Week XXXVIV

2010-03-03T19:56:00.003-09:00

...what if I had? What if this wasn't happening? What if I had made it better? And then what happens in a situation like that is that you get so wrapped up in it that you have to come back to the reality of the grief. You tell yourself a story and all of a sudden you have to remember that it's not true. (Joss Wedon, Concerning the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode "The Body")

2010-02-24T23:04:00.003-09:00

Blessings are made with blood
And peace is brought by sword
And Lions rip off scaly flesh
To bring us back to life.

Men are made with fire
And chiseled hard with steel
The way to life is dire
And many fall away.

The greatest praise I save for thee-
The one who breaks my bones
The one who brings me to the thick
And drags me through the fight.

2010-02-21T22:27:00.002-09:00

So much so soon
And grey is here
And all we hate
We soon hold dear.

I wonder how the day will end
And know I do not have the strength
And so I turn another bend
And look outside to see.

I miss the things that held me most
And hate the missing in my heart
And fear the road that travels strait
And wonder if I'll make it far.

Day by day I take this time
Not too far might I see
Day by day I pray to you
Please, oh please make me be.

Dr. Horrible says:

2010-02-01T21:23:00.001-09:00

"Sometimes there is a third even deeper layer that is just like the first..."

Hope

2010-01-28T23:35:00.000-09:00

Hope is found in surprising places. We do not often see it coming. It is good to hope. I would like to hope more. Hope is not something you can create. Let us look to the one who can can create it.

Quote of the Week XXXVIII

2010-01-27T22:52:00.005-09:00

Thus men, extending their inquiries beyond their capacities, and letting their thoughts wander into those depths where they can find no sure footing, it is no wonder that they raise questions and multiply disputes, which, never coming to any clear resolution, are proper only to continue and increase their doubts, and to confirm them at last in perfect scepticism. (John Locke, An Essay Concerning Humane Understanding)

Theodicy

2010-01-26T22:36:00.000-09:00

Voddie Baucham "If God is so powerful and so Good, why do bad things happen?"

He is so right on that I don't even know where to begin.

Trust

2010-01-25T23:30:00.000-09:00

I remember a time when I trusted the Lord more than I trusted anyone else. I remember a time when I did not trust Him hardly at all. The thing that gets me, is that He actually goes out of His way (so to speak) to periodically remind me that I can and should trust Him. Clearly He does not owe me any sort of further proof of His trustworthyness. There is no reason for me to doubt Him. Yet His mercy endures. He is patient. He leads me by the hand. He guards and protects me. It is something truly remarkable to trust someone. Let me put my trust where it belongs.

Trial Part III

2010-01-22T22:01:00.001-09:00

...

2010-01-21T23:39:00.002-09:00

Sometimes I am amazed at the compassion of my Lord. Sometimes there is so much to think about and so little to say...

To My Love V

2010-01-20T23:41:00.002-09:00

I am for your liberty
And I desire that you be free
And all the world I wish for you
And pray that all your loves be true.

I imagine you to be
In a place where I can't see
And I wish that I would never do
Terrible hurtful things to you.

I imagine that won't be
Unless you never actually see
Me in all my favourite things
Me at all and what that brings.

But what if it is stuck in you?
That need for me like I need you
And though I seem a helpless case
Still you must needs see my face...

All above I pray for you
And trust that our King will see you through
And though in life we may never meet
Still my heart it skips a beat.

And though the thought that I might see
Makes me feel eternity
Still I wonder at the dream
And wonder at just how it seems.

Be well my love until the end
Be well my love around the bend
And all the parts you cannot see
Trust in Him to be with me.

Pancakes and Coffee

2010-01-19T08:47:00.002-09:00

Some mornings, when you really do not know what to do with yourself, an opportunity presents itself (as the common phrase in English goes). Other times you just have pancakes and sip your coffee.

This morning I am sipping my coffee (the pancakes were fine, if you really must know). So I will get ready to go and do... well, I guess I'll go to work and wait, as it were. And in times like this I find that Jesus is what I really want. I wish it did not take times like this to remind me that Jesus is all I really want.

I do not want answers as much as I want Jesus. I do not want a way out- I want a way in. I do not want the pain to stop- I want to feel the presence of God. When times are desperate I do not want my life to go on- I want my spirit to be at peace with Jesus. There is only this King Jesus and He has made the world and He will cover it with fire. He has come as a man to die and He will return with a Sword in His mouth to Judge as God.

Sometimes things present themselves. Other times we have pancakes and coffee. At all times Jesus is Lord.

Quote of the Week XXXVII

2010-01-18T20:27:00.006-09:00

I am a ghost... I entered the eighteenth circle of hell a long time ago. ("Number Four" from the film Broken Trail, after she was raped the first time in the film)

Begging your pardon...

2010-01-12T01:08:00.002-09:00

My apologies for the long unexplained absence. I have been elsewhere than norm and have had a somewhat finicky internet connection. I hope to resume by early next week- if not sooner.

Quote of the Week XXXVI

2010-01-04T10:37:00.002-09:00

"Love isn't brains, children, it's blood -- blood screaming inside you to work its will... (Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer "Lover's Walk" Season 3)

Trial 2

2010-01-01T10:28:00.000-09:00

We Are Not What We Will Be (to the Christian)

2009-12-31T16:55:00.000-09:00

We know that we are not what we will be, but that God is purifying a Bride for Christ- - right this minute, in each of you—in order to perfect us on that Great and Glorious Day when Jesus shall return for his people (Eph. 5:25ff; cf. Phil. 3:12-21). (The Wrath of God: An Encouragement for His People and A Warning to His Enemies Charles R. Biggs)

I look forward to transformation even though I know that it is often a painful process. I take great comfort in the thought that I am not what I will be. We all want to change something about ourselves. We have all tried to change something and failed. The hope I have for change is not in presidents or rifles... it is in Jesus.

No one is like Him; yet we are made like Him. No one can see Him; yet our eyes are opened to see Him. Everyone is deaf; yet our ears are opened to hear the sound of His voice. We are His sheep. The church is His bride. We have been brought into the Church (if indeed we are in Him). We are His people.

Praise God for what He is doing in us. We are not what we will be.

Quote of the Week XXXV

2009-12-30T21:39:00.002-09:00

I must not fear; fear is the mind-killer... (Frank Herbert, from Dune

"Christmas Eve" ... a Silent Night

2009-12-28T23:50:00.000-09:00

I began the delayed Christmas celebration this evening. It is amazing the effect that being surrounded by people you love and who love you has on you. I feel like I should say something... but for once, my heart is still.

Quote of the Week XXXIV

2009-12-25T16:05:00.001-09:00

“Since our hearts cannot, in God’s mercy, either seize upon life ardently enough or accept it with the gratefulness we owe, unless our minds are first struck and overwhelmed by fear of God’s wrath and by dread of eternal death, we are taught by Scripture to perceive apart from Christ, God is, so to speak, hostile to us, and his hand is armed for destruction; to embrace his benevolence and fatherly love in Christ alone” ("Institutes of the Christian Religion II.XVI.ii)

Christmas

2009-12-25T11:29:00.000-09:00

I wish you all a merry Christmas. Cheers.

Christmas Eve

2009-12-24T07:31:00.001-09:00

I have never been comfortable with holidays... never been psyched about gifts- perhaps something in me was broken long ago and remains unrepaired- perhaps not. Regardless of why, the holidays have always made me feel terrible. We rarely ever treat the days as holy- and I hardly understood what that even meant.

It's not that I have not gotten gifts that I treasure more than words can describe- I was just playing an acoustic guitar, in fact, and it reminds me of certain people every time I play it. I like that. It is not that I have not enjoyed giving gifts on occasion- sometimes they are well received and enjoyed. Who doesn't enjoy making someone's day and doing good to them? But still I always feel awkward on Christmas.

When people give me nice gifts I often feel obligated rather than over-joyed. And I hardly feel worth the effort (and that particular feeling has little to do with reality- it just is). And of course it is worse if you cannot give them what you perceive as an equal gift.

On this eve of a certain holiday I brace myself for awkwardness and regret. I will not likely feel closer to Jesus when it is over. But that is not so important- what is important is will I be closer to Jesus when it is over.

God of Wrath Our Beautiful Savior

2009-12-23T07:01:00.000-09:00

Oh beautiful Saviour
Thou long-expected God of wrath
We long for you our God
The real and whole divinity.

We do not seek to make
A false and soothing deity
But wait upon your light
Shine upon your people oh Lord.

With a sword in your mouth
And a robe soon dipped in their blood
Let us watch and wait now
Come now long-expected Jesus.

When the Heart Rules

2009-12-22T22:03:00.000-09:00

I find that sometimes when I'm the loneliest... I do the stupidest things. It is amazing how fast one can become so very very weak...

I remember Tim Johnson speaking at my high school graduation telling everyone to follow their hearts... I have listened to that little piece of advice. It has gotten me to some great places... and some terrible ones. The heart is deceitful above all things. I am not really sure why I thought it would be a good idea to take that little tidbit seriously... alas, now we are here.

God gave us all hearts and we should not ignore them. That does not mean, however that our feelings should rule us.

On Mercy

2009-12-21T22:16:00.003-09:00

The Lord is faithful when we are not. This is a sobering thought. It makes me afraid mostly. I mean, how is it that one is supposed to respond to the suspension of justice in the world? I think fear is appropriate. Mercy is a powerful thing. The whole bit about explaining away "the fear of the Lord" as something less than fear not only is terribly wrong- but it also allows us all to continue in all sorts of evil- both evil done to us, and evil we do.

Justice, however, is not really suspended, is it... that is why Jesus was crucified. How quickly we forget. Let us not forget that when the consequences of our actions are withheld for a time. Jesus really did pay a price... and there really will be a judgment.

Desire = ?

2009-12-18T08:06:00.003-09:00

Have you ever felt disqualified for something that you really wanted? You know, something deep-seated and burning... something you did not want to let go of. When I think things like that I do sometimes wonder if I have a right to think that just because I have the desire that it is ok for me to pursue whatever it is that I want.

There are plenty of good things in life that would be bad for some people to do under some circumstances. I wonder sometimes at the things I was taught when I was young. People would tell me things like, "the world is your oyster- you can be anything you want to be." Well that was just not true- I can want vocations that I have no aptitude for. I wanted to be a fighter-jet pilot. I've had glasses as long as I can remember and I can't always read the coffee menu if I'm at the back of the line (and wearing my glasses). I cannot be anything I want to be. I cannot have anything I want to have just because I desire it. I cannot go anywhere I want to go. Life has never been like that. It is not looking like life will be like that anytime soon.

So what do you do when you really want something but you are not sure it is ok for you to have it?

Lamentations 3:22,23

2009-12-17T09:01:00.003-09:00

22 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;[a]
his mercies never come to an end;
23they are new every morning;
(C) great is your faithfulness.(Lamentations 3:22,23 ESV)

A Pause

2009-12-16T05:12:00.002-09:00

I woke early this morning. This is something I do not do very often (It was before five in the morning). I put on some clothes, put some left-over pizza in the oven to heat up, and went outside to start the car to let it warm up.

It was so serenely beautiful outside at five in the morning. It was dark- but not pitch black, because of all the snow. It was warm (for the area, anyways). There was a light dusting of snow all around and in the air- and it was quiet. A peaceful, beautiful, wonder-inspiring stillness that shakes the soul. I looked over to see the mountains that were hiding in the clouds like ghosts so very far away. I couldn't see them, but I knew they were there and I smiled.

I just had to sing a quiet song to Jesus.

Patience...

2009-12-15T21:38:00.002-09:00

"Patience is a virtue," that is what they used to tell us. The quicker ones realized that the only way to gain patience was to have your patience tried. Not many of us had a real strong desire for that sort of experience.

As things try my patience these days I remember what my friends and I were told as children. It is hard having your patience tried. It is hard to think of the fruit that God will produce when you are undergoing trial. I am reminded of this passage in James:

12(U) Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive(V) the crown of life,(W) which God has promised to those who love him. 13Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. 15Then desire(X) when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and(Y) sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

Am I patient under trial? I pray the Lord to lead me.

In Brief, Daydreams

2009-12-14T23:41:00.003-09:00

Have you ever had a really depressing day dream? You know you are just sort of sitting around doing nothing and your mind starts to wander and you begin to imagine something... but then it all ends badly. I find it odd sometimes how I can work myself into an emotional state just by day-dreaming. I think that sometimes when you are thinking of dark things you find yourself in a dark place without ever traveling.

I am not a fan of positive thinking, however. Pretending is not how you make things better... but why is it that pretending can make things feel so much worse?

Quote of the Week XXXIII

2009-12-13T22:07:00.002-09:00

What the hand is to the lute,
What the breath is to the flute,
What is fragrance to the smell,
What the spring is to the well,
What the flower is to the bee,
That is Jesus Christ to me.

What's the mother to the child,
What the guide in pathless wild,
What is oil to troubled wave,
What is ransom to the slave,
What is water to the sea,
That is Jesus Christ to me.
- C.H. Spurgeon

Trial- a Sermon Series (Part 1)

2009-12-12T11:57:00.002-09:00

If the video is giving you trouble or you simply just want to listen to the audio on your mp3 player- click here or on the post title. For future sermons in this series just click on the post title and it will take you to a page where you can download the audio-only. Cheers.

Hanukkah

2009-12-11T23:39:00.002-09:00

I just came from a bit of a Hanukkah ceremony. It was not at a jewish home and we did our jelly doughnuts were not fried- but we did tell the story, light the first candle and answer the children's questions. I love ceremonies that teach you things about God and give children another time to ask questions which gives adults time to pass on what was passed on to them. It really can be quite beautiful. In fact, rather than having an aversion to religious tradition... I actually have a deep love for it. I practice the faith that was handed down to me by faithful men. They received it from faithful men. And this gives us all a connection to our past. This connection leads us all the way back to Jesus' incarnation. Christians did not come from nowhere and they are not going nowhere. We pass on what was passed on to us. So I have to say that I really appreciate Hanukkah. God has provided for His people in the past and He will provide for me today. To Him alone be the glory.

Au Revoir Guy

2009-12-10T23:55:00.002-09:00

Guy Lacelle has died in an avalanche in Hyalite Canyon during the Bozeman Ice Festival. He will be sorely missed.

Rock and Ice Magazine: Guy Lacelle Dies

2009-12-10T23:54:00.000-09:00

Rock and Ice Magazine: Guy Lacelle Dies

Providence

2009-12-10T10:25:00.002-09:00

I'm always amazed at the timing of things. You know sometimes things just go south when you thought they couldn't get any worse. And sometimes they just turn around in a day when you thought there was no real hope. Sometimes the things you thought would be best turn out to be a nightmare. Sometimes you see the worst things in your life bear fruit for God. In all things, He has perfect timing.

As Night Follows Day

2009-12-09T22:24:00.008-09:00

I was reading the Prayer Book Society of America's blog when I stumbled upon this essay:

Article reprinted from Cross†Way Issue Autumn 2009 No. 114
(C)opyright Church Society; material may be used for non-profit purposes provided that the source is acknowledged and the text is not altered.
AS NIGHT FOLLOWS DAY?
By David Phillips

My personal tutor at theological college was Michael Vasey. Michael was, I believe, opposed to the ordination of women as presbyters (priests). But when the General Synod voted in favour of this he is reported to have said that if the Church could do so despite the teaching of Scripture then it must follow that it could not object to homosexual practice. Accordingly in his book ‘Strangers and Friends’ published three years later he set out to argue from Scripture that the Church should
change its mind.

In a similar vein in 2003 the then Bishop of Oxford, Richard Harries, argued in an article in the Daily Telegraph that “The Church has got it wrong in the past - there's no doubt about it. I think you can take the view that, just as the Church eventually abolished slavery, so they ended up in favour of votes for women, so they voted for the ordination of women, and this is just one more issue where the Church has got it wrong.” His argument was that the Church had got it wrong on homosexual conduct.

There are many who sincerely believe that it is right for the Church to ordain women as presbyters, and wrong for it to endorse homosexual practice. Although some have argued this distinction forcefully I am convinced that the acceptance of one almost inevitably leads to the acceptance of the other. Some will find this conclusion offensive but I find it rather obvious.

The same argument?
First then, are the cases different? Some argue that the ordination of women is a ‘second order’ issue because it concerns church order whilst sexual conduct is a ‘first order’ issue because it concerns salvation. I am far from comfortable with this distinction because I believe that the ordination of women as presbyters is contrary to Scripture and I am not willing to suggest that it is therefore unimportant or less important. Nevertheless, I do think many see the two issues as
differing in degree. The distinction of first and second order is also not shared by those in favour of both. They see both as fundamental matters of justice and of the openness of the gospel. They therefore consider both to be first order issues and they are not going to rest having achieved one without achieving the other.

Some do argue the case as to why the Bible supports one and not the other, but I find the arguments badly lacking. I simply cannot see that the passages to which they plead actually support what they claim. For example some use the long list of women who are engaged in the Lord’s work in Scripture to claim that women should be involved in the Lord’s work, but none of these roles are as presbyters. The jump to say that they should be presbyters, when the Bible itself confines it to men
is unwarranted.

Others sadly seem to set up a straw man. They argue as if only Anglo-Catholics are against women priests and because Anglo-Catholics have a defective view of ministry then the opposition to women as presbyters must be wrong. This conveniently but disingenuously ignores the fact that evangelicals argue from Scripture that women should not be presbyters. It is also unfair to Anglo- Catholics many of whom do also argue from Scripture that women should not be presbyters (priests).

But is it fair to argue that the acceptance of one will lead to the acceptance of the other? What grounds are there for asserting this?

First, there are the facts of history. There are now too many cases to ignore – national denominations which have embraced the ordination of women which then went on to embrace homosexual practice. The Evangelical Lutheran Church of the US is the most recent casualty which in August voted to permit sexual immorality amongst its clergy.

Secondly, the shift seems inevitable because unbiblical innovation necessarily leads to division. When pretty much all of Christendom has been united in saying that the Bible says one thing and then people start arguing that it says something different there are bound to be some who disagree. Some inevitably will feel unable to remain when a Church seeks to legitimise what they believe to be error. It is well known that more than 20 members of the General Synod left the Church of England after the 1992 decision to ordain women as priests. In total more than 500 clergy left although some later returned and a few may have used it as an excuse to get out with compensation. There were not a few members of Church Society among them. What was left was therefore weaker and more liberal. The same things happened years ago in the US Episcopal Church. Indeed most of the protestant, reformed, evangelicals left a generation or more ago often turning to Presbyterianism. Things are different in the Church of England because it is our national and established church so fewer people have left over recent decades but the general point is valid, the ordination of women in the Church of England has weakened the ‘conservative’ voice. Furthermore, the women so appointed are more likely to be liberal because a woman who accepts the classical evangelical or Anglo-Catholic position is not going to seek such a role.

Thirdly, the pressure from outside the Church increases. My experience, and I think that of others too, is that it is often outsiders who spot the flaws in our cherished ideas. Media interviewers are particularly good at this. Some in the church have elaborate arguments as to why Scripture does not say what it appears, but interviewers cannot see how this differs from arguments about sexual conduct, they are quick to see the gaps and pounce. In contrast when we stick doggedly with what the Bible actually teaches they may think we are mad (though they don’t usually say so on air) but they also see that we are being consistent. Moreover, they can see that whatever else might be said Christians through history have held both issues to be wrong.

Fourthly, as Michael Vasey demonstrates, evangelicals are not immune to misreading Scripture in order to conform to their own desires or to the spirit of the age. There are increasing numbers of people claiming to be evangelical who are arguing publicly that the Bible has been misunderstood and it really supports homosexual conduct. Whatever the details we have seen an apparent instance of this over the summer. A Vicar of a church in Chelmsford Diocese who after only a few months left his apparently evangelical parish after the uproar when he preached that homosexual practice is wrong. Likewise when Jeffrey John was appointed as Dean of St. Albans we found that some who claimed to be evangelical were not only unconcerned but apparently welcoming of the fact that he teaches that homosexual practice is acceptable. For myself I think the matter is so clear that anyone who can read the Bible as permitting such sin is not an evangelical because they have a distorted
way of approaching Scripture.

Fifthly, the nature of the arguments used in favour of both are disturbingly similar. I have already mentioned the trumpeting of justice and equality. It ought to be sufficient to say that it cannot be just to encourage people to disobey the Word of the Lord, but apparently our ideas of justice trump His. Others argued that the ordination of women is a ‘gospel imperative’ and in the last few weeks this has been articulated again amongst the largest of the break-away Anglican churches in the US which now wants to ordain women and so follow the same disastrous route as the body they left. The argument is that without this change the gospel we preach will not be taken seriously. Not only is this nonsense, it suggests that the gospel is not the power of God unto salvation and it is exactly the same argument some use in favour of accepting homosexual practice.

Then there are spurious arguments about words. The interpretation of the word ‘head’ is the most celebrated. People became convinced that ‘head’ did not mean what Christians had previously thought it meant. Indeed I have heard it said that those of us who read it as such are ‘uneducated’. The ‘educated’ view is apparently that there are a couple of readings in ancient Greek where it means something different and therefore these must be the meaning in the Bible. I find it hard to credit that people can take such an argument seriously yet it seemed to sweep all before it. Now we are seeing the same thing with arguments about words in Romans or Leviticus concerning sexual immorality. Many seem convinced that the real sin of Sodom was anything but Sodomy. The arguments can sound clever, even bamboozle people, but they are feeble and so devoid of any real evidence that unless people were obsessed with proving their argument it is hard to see why they would give them any credence, but alas they do.

I believe the same can be said of other arguments. For example it is argued that Mary Magdalene was sent by Jesus to tell the disciples of the resurrection. She was thus sent and so can be called an Apostle (which means one sent). Therefore women can be presbyters. This is a string of non sequiturs; they do not follow logically from one another. Moreover, it ought to be obvious that the argument is wrong because it reaches a conclusion that is contrary to what Scripture actually teaches. If this sort of argument can be allowed it is hardly surprising to find others saying that David and Jonathan were homosexual lovers and therefore homosexual practice is acceptable. The premise is wrong, the logic is wrong and the conclusion is wrong, but who cares so long as we can make the Bible say what we want it to say? The damage has been done because people have been encouraged to mishandle the Word of Truth.

Therefore, recognising that many will be far from pleased with the conclusion, I am forced to say that the acceptance of the presbyteral ministry of women within a Church more or less inevitably leads to the acceptance of homosexual practice. I hope this is not so, but I fear it will be. Nevertheless there is still hope, hope that some will see the mistakes and that enough remain to argue the case. But, if other churches are anything to go by, without the Lord’s intervention the
outlook is bleak.

David Phillips is General Secretary of Church Society

This is interesting. Few evangelicals have made as concerted an effort to maintain unity in the body as the Anglicans. This has lead to some stunningly clear thinking and writing on the issues of morality, the authority of scripture, and (not surprisingly) the unity of the body. Now I agree with David Phillips on these issues. What surprised me, though, is the connection he made between the interpretation of scripture, the ordination of women, and homosexuality. I think that this connection would not have been made so clearly and simply if the Anglicans as a whole had not been making such a strong effort to maintain the unity of the body. In striving to be faithful in one area- light has been poured upon several other areas that might have remained dark in our time. God, again has His way with things.

The One Jesus Who Is Greater Than All

2009-12-09T20:00:00.004-09:00

When I wake up in the morning and I do not want to get out of bed... I get up because of Jesus. When the morning makes me want to scream and give up... I drink another cup of coffee and go to work for Jesus. When I can't seem to find the rhythm of the day and everything seems harder than it should be... it is because I did not commune with Jesus. When I fail and do not do what I should, or do what I should not do... I feel miserable because I know that people connect me to Jesus and I have made him look bad. When I succeed and do well or do right... I thank Jesus and I give praise to Jesus because it is His grace that has made it so. When I say harsh or vulgar words, I am ashamed because I know that Jesus has not spoken in vain and His word will stand forever and I am not a perfect man but He is a perfect God. When I am too tired to go on, I pray to Jesus who is the source of all my strength. When I have a question I ask Jesus because He is the truth and a fear of Him is the beginning of all knowledge. When I am in trouble I go to Jesus because he is my deliverer. When I am sick I go to Jesus. When I am healthy I go to Jesus. When I am perplexed I go to Jesus. When I am confident I go to Jesus. When I have money I go to Jesus. When I am poor I go to Jesus. When I see the way I give thanks to Jesus. When I am in the fog I beg for the mercy of Jesus. In all things and in all ways I can only go to Jesus. He is my savior. He is my Lord. He is my rock. He is my Judge. He is my deliverer. Jesus brought me into this world and Jesus will lay me down in the grave that He has chosen and prepared for me. His rebuke is better than all the blessings of mine enemies. His name, the name of Jesus, is greater than all names. No one is like Him. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He is the beginning and the end. He has never left me nor forsaken me- though I was a scoundrel and a shame to His holy name. Let all praise and glory and honour be unto my Lord Jesus. The war I fight, the war with myself, will be won and is being won by Jesus. Amen.

So Many Questions...

2009-12-08T23:18:00.002-09:00

Have you ever wondered why the earth was so beautiful? Have you ever looked out at a landscape and thought, "that is just extravigant." Have you ever wondered why there was so much beauty? Sometimes... it seems a bit much.

Some people look out at the earth in front of them and they think, "that is just how things turned out." Other people see something in nature and proclaim (rightly so) there must be a creator! But why is it so shockingly amazing? Why is the world so beautiful? I think this tells us something about the creator... but what exactly?

Trust and Comfort

2009-12-07T23:36:00.002-09:00

Sometimes, situations that seem scary, uncomfortable, or otherwise unpleasant can grow to be comfortable. You get used to them. You begin to understand them. You become familiar with them. Things you thought you could never do become old hat.

It's funny the places you can grow comfortable in. I wonder sometimes what kind of places and situations the Lord is molding me to be comfortable in.

Funny Things

2009-12-04T00:22:00.002-09:00

A dream is a funny thing. I have a dream. You probably have a dream. Maybe we all have more than one. Who am I to say? Only the Lord and you know that. Sometimes a dream is a source of hope and motivation... sometimes it is more like a Langston Hughes poem.

Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

-Langston Hughes

Whatever it happens to be, though, a man's dream goes strait to the heart of him. Laugh at his dream and he will never trust you (no matter how polite he is to your face). Despise his dream and he will despise you. Fail to understand that what he speaks of is his dream and you are on dangerous ground. People long for something and by the time that something gets categorized as a dream, it has woven itself around the very soul of a man and it is not safe to crush it.

I pray that God would guide and shape my dreams Himself. Let him place within me what I cannot create in myself.

Waiting for Answers

2009-12-02T08:50:00.004-09:00

Have you ever waited for answers for a really long time? Have you ever had a short wait for an answer to something seem like an eternity? Have you ever wondered whether or not you had any reason to expect an answer for some burning question on your heart and mind? Sometimes not knowing seems like the hardest thing you have ever done.

It may make you laugh a little because you are not really doing anything. None the less, waiting for an answer can fray your nerves, test your patience, and drive you to distraction. Yet everyone waits for answers. At some point you cannot search anymore. At some point things are out of your hands. It may be waiting for a doctor or test, it may be that you have to wait for a decision from a friend, or it may be that you are waiting on an answer to prayer from the Lord. Whatever it is, everyone must wait for answers at some point.

Where does knowledge come from, though? How do we obtain it? In all my waiting I am reminded of one thing:

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge;
fools despise wisdom and instruction.-Proverbs 1:7

I was not taught to fear God as a child. He was my buddy. You know, the guy with the thumbs up, pointing and smiling at you. The one who saved you, the one who is your friend. There was no fear. This explains why I know so little- and why waiting is so hard.

This Day

2009-12-01T09:22:00.004-09:00

Now I know how it has come
To this and that which has transpired
And though I wish to know still more
I have seen my heart grow tired.

And all that I have longed for here
I find to be far far away
And not within my power to reach
And I cannot quite see the way.

Quote of the Week XXXII

2009-11-30T00:48:00.001-09:00

Perhaps in part due to my respect for actual science, I find most scientists to be contemptible.

(Vox Day)

Side Note

2009-11-27T21:31:00.002-09:00

I was thinking of posting... but then I became violently ill... war is war. But I do find myself beginning to appreciate the suffering in my life. There are different kinds of suffering and they all have their way with you... Just as God does. He always gets His way. We act like He doesn't sometimes... but that just isn't true. We act like we have rights... we do not fear, and so suffering is lost on us. Let it not be lost on us.

That Really Happened

2009-11-26T19:44:00.001-09:00

When I was six months old, I felt awesome... now we know why...

Miscellanies... often worth the time.

2009-11-25T11:31:00.002-09:00

Here is a recent example of what you might find on Tony Reinke's blog "Miscellanies:"

On Decision Making

“Proverbs, and the wisdom literature in general, counter the idea that being spiritual means handing all decisions over to the leading of the Lord. The opposite is true. Proverbs reveals that God does not make all people’s decisions for them, but rather expects them to use his gift of reason to interpret the circumstances and events of life within the framework of revelation that he has given. Yet when they have exercised their responsibility in decision-making, they can look back and see that the sovereign God has guided.”

—Graeme Goldsworthy, in the New Dictionary of Biblical Theology (IVP 2000), p. 210. See also Gospel and Wisdom in the Goldsworthy Trilogy.

November 17, 2009 Posted by spurgeon | Graeme Goldsworthy, Proverbs, Wisdom literature | | 5 Comments

I am particularly interested in meditating on the line, "...expects them to use his gift of reason to interpret the circumstances and events of life within the framework of revelation that he has given."

2009-11-25T01:06:00.000-09:00

The Thing About Not Helping Is Really That You Are Not Helping

2009-11-25T00:42:00.002-09:00

Reading this article from the Boston Globe reminded me of something.

In 2005, when the number of homicides spiked to a 10-year high, 64 had been committed by Thanksgiving and 75 by the end of the year. The following year, there were 68 by the November holiday and 75 for the year. But in 2007, the number began to decline slightly with 63 homicides by Thanksgiving and 66 by year’s end.

Since then, the number of violent crimes - with the exception of rapes - has fallen steadily, a drop Davis said is in large part the result of a reinvestment in strategies that target gangs. Earlier this year, police attributed the rise in rapes to more reporting, rather than an actual increase in assaults. They also noted that the year before had seen far fewer rapes reported, which made the increase seem even more dramatic.

The government and it's employees often seem to think that government is the answer to people's (or society's) problems. And when they try something (such as passing a law, starting an "initiative," or finding other ways to spend taxpayer's money) and it does not work- they often think that more government will fix it. It doesn't, and so they cry different government (which usually just means more government) and they still seem to think that they can fix whatever ills they believe need fixing.

Rarely do they stop and think that something doesn't need fixing. Rarely do they admit that individual persons are responsible for themselves and their actions. Rarely do they admit that they do not have the power or ability to fix a problem (even though they would like to). They just keep doing what they are doing and expect different results.

In Boston, the police and the city act as though they can curb hate in a man's heart. Now I know they can't. You know they can't. And one would like to believe that they know they can't. But they fail to see that the problem which they are facing is not one of bodies- it is one of hatred in a man's heart. They would likely cry that something has to be done and they must be the ones to do it. The thing is, even if they need to do something- they need to realize that fighting the symptoms is not the way to cure a disease. It is not an issue of whether or not the police should respond to murders- of course they should! It is an issue of what works and what is appropriate for them to do in the first place. I am thankful that there have been less murders in Boston this year so far. However, the government is not likely to fix the problem- and if the problem is fixed- it will be highly unlikely that the government will have been the cure (though they will take as much credit as they possibly can, of course).

But why do I mention all this? What does this have to do with the war? What does this have to do with sanctification at all? Here is what I am thinking: what do I do (or what do you do) that does not work at all? What do I do that only gets at the symptoms and not the real cause? What things do I labour to change that I have no business changing- and that I could never change even if I wanted to? In short, how do I behave like the government? That is what I want to know. And that is what you should ask yourself.

Love...

2009-11-24T12:56:00.004-09:00